Only Myself

Only Myself

by: Azkaban Riddle

//*\

Why? Why keep on living? You answer those questions for me because I really cannot. Yes, you.

Why should I keep on fighting for something that seems so damn blurry? Why am I still fighting a war that is no longer mine? Maybe in other people's minds it may seem like mine, but in my heart and soul I know this is not the truth.

Both sides seem so alike now. So indifferent as to separate and compare them. So worthless to sharpen and define them into real images.

No, no one person is making me feel this way, nor making me talk as so. What I am saying is the realistic truth. No mirage, no trickery, no brain wash, no aftermath of a curse.

This is the only truth--my only truth--and others do not see it, much less make it retreat.

They are blind--blind with a slight blaze of glory from me. They do not understand, nor will they ever comprehend.

I'm me, and no one person can know what I am feeling. I am not that small and innocent boy I was once. I do not believe in fairy tale endings anymore, nor do I believe in second chances. Friends, acquaintances, and school are not my main concern. Yes, it is true that they are all factors in my priorities, but they aren't my main concern.

All my dear "friends" have betrayed me.

Maybe not physically, but mentally.

I have noticed their looks, their stares toward me--the frowns--the mocking smiles and laughs.... Some might be scared or afraid of me, but worst of all, they don't like me. Despise me, even sometimes. All of the best influences in my life are turning into only aquaintances. The friendships--my friendships--are frindships below scratch: never was, never will be. They are faked at times. Some are only just traditions: followed because it is required.

Friends and family are starting to realize what I have become, what I turned into so not many years previously, and they do not like it. They do not like me, who I am now.

But they still keep on fighting, for themselves and their dignity--maybe even for mine as well--but what would I know? I thought once before that I knew the answers to everything; I believed myself smart....

I wasn't. I believed wrong. That wasn't me being intelligent, but ignorant.

I was unbelievably ignorant and foolish to believe such things. I do not know the answers to absolutely everything, nor will I know anytime soon.

Only with living can there be understanding and reasoning; only with living can lessons be learnt and taught as well--only with comprehended lessons can there be real true life and living, and healing.

That is, thank god, one thing I do know. You have to go through all to know what life is really like--not only do you feel happiness and content, but pain and sorrow also for yourself and others to know what it is. To take it, but never forget it.

Never forget where you come from, but always remember where you're headed.

To keep your head and self-esteem up always and forever, no matter what. That, in life itself, is another comprehended lesson. I, unfortunately, skipped that lesson crucially, and realized it a while too late. Do not follow my footsteps, though.

I am trying, if you can believe me. Trying very hard to understand and learn all of life's lessons I have missed and overlooked.

All this is a shadow of gray. I am a shadow of gray.

I do believe, however, that people can help me. Just help me and give my persona support, trust, care, and love when it is needed the most. When I need it the most.

Yes, people can help me, but no one can save me, only myself.