Love and Understanding

Dear Hermione,

Illicit affairs with Draco Malfoy? You've got a strange sense of humour, young lady. I bet your two best friends don't know anything about this, either.

As I write, I am sitting on the roof of my block of flats, waiting for the fumigators to finish up downstairs. One of my neighbours had rats, or something. I hate rats. They scare the living daylights out of me. Nasty, evil eyes...

But obviously I am scared in a strong, manly way. Grrr.

Arithmancy, eh? I took that. Nearly did my brain in. I'm surprised I passed at all, let alone got an E at OWL. I was so sure the Prof. Was going to throw me out of the window that year, all those questions I got wrong.

Write back soon, I'm bored.

Oliver

Dear Oliver,

Arithmancy is the best subject in the world! And Professor Vector is the most level-headed person I know. The worst she ever did was throw a couple of dice at Terry Boot when he threw Blaise Zabini's charts on the floor.

I find a good deterrent to rats is to have a cat. We used to have rats in Gryffindor Tower before Crookshanks, but he's a regular rat policecat now, so we don't have to worry any more.

He's sitting in my lap as I write this, swiping at my pen, and shedding hairs all over the parchment. Silly Crookshanks. You don't see me shedding my hair all over the parchment, do you?

No.

Write soon,

Hermione

P.S. Why are you bored? Surely you've got some Wonky Faints to practise, or something.

Dear Oliver,

I realise that, what with Quidditch being so important to you and everything, it might be annoying if I get names of manoeuvres wrong, but that is no reason to owl me a huge wall chart to explain it.

It arrived in Charms.

I was mortified.

Yours suicidally,

Hermione

Dear Hermione,

Sorry. I know it was a bit drastic. I'm just used to being around people who know everything there is to know about Quidditch. And anyway, now you can memorise it (I know you love to do that) and amaze Harry and Ron next time they quiz you.

I remember Crookshanks. He's the one that Ron accused of murdering Scabbers, right? Was Scabbers the rat you were referring to? What did happen to him, anyway?

Tell Crookshanks thanks for the cat hairs.

Always,

Oliver

Dear Oliver,

Scabbers is in hell, where he belongs.

I'll explain it to you someday, I promise.

Why did I ever take Potions for the NEWTs? Snape's making us invent our own potion, and it has to work within certain limits. There's no way I can do this.

It's really annoying, too, because Harry's being super-smug about having some really good idea.

Is it wrong to want it to blow up in his face?

Always,

Hermione

Dear Hermione,

No. You are a normal person for wanting it to blow up in his face, odd as it may seem.

Besides, I'm sure you'll come up with something much better. You're Hermione Granger, remember? Top student five years running, soon to be six, future head girl, etc. Maybe you could invent something to shut Snape up. Or something to make people show their true colours? That'd get Snape fired for sure, once people found out that he was a Death Eater.

Let me know how it goes.

Yours always,

Oliver

P.S. I am getting a cat, I think. I went to the rescue centre last week, but you'll have to wait until next week to hear about it.

Dear Oliver,

Tell me it's a girl! Crookshanks isn't neutered, you know, and it would be so great if they had kittens.

By the way, you are a bloody genius - I am doing a variation on your true colours potion. It's sort of a mixed-up, warped version of true colours - basically, everyone swaps their feelings for someone else's. It's up to them to work out who they swapped with. You fantastic man! I owe you one.

Now spill about the cat, or I will spill your guts, ha ha!

Yours always,

Hermione

Dear Hermione,

You are a surprisingly bloodthirsty girl, you know that? And you can keep Crookshanks away from my Nimbus.

That's what she's called. She's a seven month old kitten, and she's all black except for her feet, which are white. So he's far too old for her, and anyway, what are you doing, keeping an un-neutered cat? Surely he goes wild every time it's mating season?

Can't wait to hear how that potion turns out.

Better go - my brothers are coming over in an hour, and I have to make the place look messy; if I don't they tend to get a bit resentful and I hate that. It's bad enough that they think I'm conceited just because I play for England.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never allowed to be myself when they're around, even in my own home.

Write soon, please?

Oliver

P.S. Sorry for the mood-killer. Just needed to vent.

Oliver,

You can always vent on me if you need to. I do enough venting of my own on you, surely? What is it that your brothers do, exactly? I suppose it's useless suggesting that they're jealous of you, since you either already know that, or you're too modest to accept it.

You're very successful, you know. I hear loads of boys say that they'd love to be like you. In fact, they seem to be under the impression that you have your own personal harem of scantily-clad women - is this true? Don't make me revise my opinion of you, now, Wood.

Anyway, the point is, you should be happy with your life. You've done well for yourself, and you're not falling into the whole drugs-alcohol-and-prostitutes trap that so many other Quidditch players do.

Love from,

Hermione

P.S. Crookshanks is the model of gentleman-like behaviour and propriety during mating season.

P.P.S. But I am getting him neutered soon, because people are complaining about all the broken stuff they keep finding.

Dear Hermione,

You always know how to make me feel better. My brothers - Jack and mcgdo - are both involved in Quidditch, but Jack is a coach, not a player, and mcgdo buys teams and sells them for an exorbitant profit. Mum always says they're jealous because I had the guts to take a chance on playing professionally and they didn't, but I don't know.

This drugs-alcohol-and-prostitutes trap you referred to - are you speaking from experience (i.e. Krum)?

Sorry if it seems like I'm prying. I was just wondering.

Love from,

Oliver

P.S. Nimbus keeps scratching the furniture ad pulling the stuffing out of my cushions. How do I stop her from doing this?

P.P.S. Harem of scantily-clad women?! Changing room of sweaty, hairy men, more like. Tell them their source is, unfortunately, wrong.

Dear Oliver,

Buy Nimbus some catnip-impregnated toys, including a scratching post. If she still will not stop, get a little water bottle with a spray pump attached and squirt her with water a little bit each time she does it. If that doesn't work, you will either have to go to an animal behaviourist (very expensive), or resign yourself to ruined furniture.

'Krum', as you call him, writes a lot in his letters, but never mentions drugs, alcohol or prostitutes. I have adopted a 'don't ask' policy on this, because last time I brought it up, he went berserk and said it was none of my business.

I check the news every so often, in case he's in it, but apart from that...

Crookshanks is still interested in kittens, and he says he is sure Nimbus will love him so age does not matter, and I happen to agree.

Love from,

Hermione

P.S. Potion worked. Snape is in a foul mood because he had to give me full marks - he wanted to give me zero. This is because he swapped feelings with Parvati and actually giggled when he saw a sort-of nudie picture in her magazine.

Dear Hermione,

Well done on the potion, but if you are suggesting that Crookshanks can talk, I am going to have you sectioned. It's too late anyway, because I am having Nimbus neutered on Thursday. Might I suggest you do the same with the eternally horny Crookshanks? If we get them neutered at the same time, we each get a free coffee.

Nimbus is very happy with the scratching post, by the way. My furniture is on the mend at last.

Love from,

Oliver

P.S. You deserve better than Krum.