The Long and Winding Road

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

-Ayn Rand

With her eyes wide, Carrie Dashwood stared, unable to believe what she was seeing. She nearly dropped what she was holding, and took a deep steadying breath in. She could hear the faint humming of her Muggle refrigerator, but it stopped suddenly, leaving only a conspicuous hush. The silence was deafening. The excruciating emptiness of it consumed her, making her long to scream, to make any noise that would fill the abysmal void. But she could not cry out. Her voice seemed to have escaped her from sheer shock. She wished there was some other noise, something to distract her. Looking around desperately, she picked up a piece of scrap parchment and began to write hurriedly. She folded up the note when she had finished, and attached it to an owl, a practice that must have seemed odd to her neighbors. Just as she sent her owl off, another arrived, a plain, brown barn owl, carrying a small piece of yellowing parchment. She snatched it off the bird, and the owl flew away almost immediately. She hastily unfolded it; it read:

Carrie-

I'm sorry I didn't come last night- something came up at work, and I didn't have a chance to owl you then. I have something important to tell you. I'll stop by around seven and we can go to dinner at Chez D'Arcie. See you then.

The writing was so familiar she knew who it was from even though it wasn't signed. Shaking slightly, she sat down and read the letter again. He had "something important" to tell her? Knowing him, that could mean just about anything. They had been dating for years now... perhaps.... Aware that she shouldn't get her hopes up, she still could not get rid of the thought that he might ask her to marry him, after all they had been through. And now... perhaps she had nothing to worry about. Thinking of all the anxiety she had just felt, she laughed. They could have a happy family. They would get married, and raise the baby together. And she could tell him that night; she was sure he would understand and insist on marrying her right away. Most importantly, he would love her, and they would be happy together for the rest of their lives. It was not as bad as it had seemed when she first found out. Smiling, she went off to dress. Chez D'Arcie was très expensive, and she wanted to look her best.

She emerged from her bedroom at quarter to seven, looking as radiant as could be expected of her. Her dark hair was swept up in a becoming manner, and her green eyes were sparkling, but she could never hope to be beautiful. She threw a backwards glance at herself in the mirror and cringed slightly. She had wanted to look better for such a special occasion, but it was really the best she could do. Sighing, she sat on her tattered and stained couch, and waited. She gazed around the tiny apartment, and looked at the clock. It was already past seven. She waited.

And waited. It seemed as if she had been sitting there forever. As the clock struck eight, Carrie had given up hope that he would show up. It wouldn't be the first time he had stood her up. She got up and paced her apartment, trying to decide on how much longer she would wait. She would give him another half an hour.

Finally, at quarter after eight, he showed up. He looked as handsome as ever in a navy blue suit and a white shirt with a few buttons undone. She folded her arms, ready to ask him to explain where he had been.

"Sorry I'm late, Carrie dear," he said, smiling seductively. "I was running late at work again- so many important projects- I just lost track of time. Forgive me."

His smile melted her icy demeanor and every angry thought she had had while she was waiting. "No problem at all. I understand that you're busy," she lied, kissing him on the cheek.

"I changed the reservations", he said, looking at his watch. "Shall we go now?" He offered her his arm, which she accepted, and they left together in silence. They remained quiet in the taxi going to the restaurant, and even after they were seated neither spoke. Both had much on their minds, so much in fact that neither noticed the marked silence.

He spoke first. "Carrie, there's something very important I need to say to you."

"Obviously," she said. "You already said so in your letter. I'm sure whatever it is cannot be that bad." Looking at him evenly, she took a sip of her champagne.

He got down on one knee, very close to her chair. This is it, she thought excitedly. Weakly, he said, "I know we have been dating for a long time. But something just doesn't feel... right." He paused to gauge her reaction. She simply looked confused. "Surely you must have noticed it too. A few months ago, I met Evelyn, and she's so amazing. There's a connection between us that I never felt with you. So, I think that it would be best if we broke up...." He continued speaking, explaining, but Carrie did not hear any of it. He had been dating someone else for a few months. And she had been too dense to realize it. All of the late nights, all of the times he had stood her up, he had probably been with Elinor, Emma, whatever her name was. Carrie felt like crying, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing how upset she was, of seeing how much their relationship had meant to her when it clearly had meant so little to him. She could hear him asking, "You understand, don't you?"

She nodded mutely, still too stunned to find any coherent words.

"Good," he said, picking up his champagne and taking a long drink, all his nervousness gone. "I was afraid you would make a scene."

She shook her head, again at a loss for words. She could hear her friends, what they would say: Tell him off! Don't let him get away with this! Tell the bloody dolt exactly what you think of him! However, she could think of nothing. And the sad part was that she didn't hate him. She didn't want to tell him off, or make a scene. She was undeniably angry, and what he had done was inexcusable, but apparently he didn't love her anymore. If that was the way he felt, then she agreed that they should break up.

He looked at his watch again. "Well, I'm supposed to meet Evelyn at nine." Taking out his wallet, he smiled at her. "I didn't think you would take it this well. I hope we can still be friends." He left money on the table. "You can take a taxi home, right?"

She nodded again, feeling words were not necessary.

"I'll see you later," he said. He stood from the table, leaving without another word or glance at her. She sat there, alone and embarrassed, feeling eyes upon her. There were so many happy couples around her, eating expensive meals and laughing vacuously. She hated them all, envied the fact that they seemed to be happy while she was so miserable. Throwing her napkin down on the table, she got up and set off for her apartment.

When she arrived there, she noticed that the lights were on. And two people sat on the couch, looking at her anxiously. They were her two closest friends, Grace and Lily, who both immediately got up when they saw Carrie enter. They took her by her arms and dragged her to the sofa.

"Mary came over and told us you sent her a frantic letter," Grace said. "She went out to find you, so she'll be back soon. What's going on?"

"My sister was here?" Carrie asked blankly. "Why did she come all the way to England...? I did not send her a frantic letter- I sent a letter but it was not frantic!"

There was a sudden popping noise, and a tall, very pretty young woman stood in the room in front of them. It was Mary, Carrie's younger sister, who usually took it upon herself to interfere wherever possible. "Well, you finally came back!" she said, angrily. "I searched all over the city for you. Now, explain what's going on."

"Nothing is going on," Carrie said. "All I said in my letter was, "How are you? Stop by anytime you're not busy.' Nothing in that letter was at all frantic."

"I know you too well," Mary said. "When you mention stopping by, it means that something is wrong and you need to talk. You have never been able to let your feelings out directly, a quality which has always seemed atrocious to me. Now, you will not keep it from me. Tell us all what happened."

"You scare me sometimes, Mary," Carrie said. "How in the world could you know something is wrong with me from one sentence in a letter?"

"So, something is wrong," Mary responded. "Explain!"

"Fine," Carrie said, reluctantly. Pausing occasionally at points where it was most painful, she told all of what had happened that night. When she started telling about her reaction to what he said, she was interrupted.

"You didn't say anything?" Mary asked, livid with anger. "He had been seeing another woman for months, and you simply sit there, nodding and agreeing with him? I really don't believe you!"

"You didn't give her a chance to finish," Lily exclaimed. "Continue, Carrie."

"Well, that was about it," Carrie said, sheepishly. "I got into the cab after that, and came home."

"I never liked him," Mary shrieked. "I knew he was never good enough for you. Better off breaking up with him now than when things became more serious. At least you didn't marry the prat."

"There is one thing I didn't mention...." Carrie really did not want to say this now, but she would have to tell them sooner or later. "Earlier today, I... I found out that I'm... well, pregnant." She finished the sentence in a barely audible whisper.

There was a shocked silence. The three other women in the room simply looked at each other for a few minutes, while Carrie hung her head, clearly uncomfortable. Finally, Grace exclaimed, "You're pregnant?" Carrie nodded. "And it's his child?"

"Of course it's his child, you twit!" Carrie responded, indignantly. "I'm not a bloody prostitute, you know."

"So, you didn't tell him," Lily said quietly. "You really should."

"I couldn't," Carrie said, hurriedly. "He seems so happy with this other girl, and you know him.... If I told him, he would want to marry me. He would insist upon it, and soon I would be walking down the aisle to a man who no longer cares for me. I don't want to marry him if he doesn't love me anymore. I deserve better than a loveless marriage." There was a stunned silence. Carrie seemed so resolved upon this that no one dared argue with her. Since no one else spoke, Carrie continued, "I've been thinking about my future today, well mine and my child's, and I thought it might be best if we moved. Gringotts offered me a job in Egypt a few weeks ago. Since you live there, Mary, perhaps you could help me raise the child. With Voldemort trying to take over the British wizarding world and killing so many people, my child will be safer if we leave England anyway. A change of scenery will be best, I think."

"Well, of course I would be more than happy for you to come to live with me in Egypt," Mary said. "But you should really consider telling him. You cannot run away forever."

"But I can do my best to try, " Carrie muttered.

"And you will leave us," Grace said. "You must promise to visit."

"Of course I will visit!" Carrie said. "It wouldn't be the same if you and Lily weren't around. And you must visit me too." Carrie could feel herself beginning to cry. She wanted to leave, but she would miss her friends.

"We should all promise," Lily whispered, tears in her eyes, "that we will never lose touch. Whether we get married, have children, no matter what happens, we have to swear to always be friends and to visit one another."

Each gave her word that she would never lose touch with her friends. The next week, Carrie packed all of her things and left for Egypt, to share the too small apartment with her sister. It was an emotional farewell, but one very necessary for Carrie. She took the job with Gringotts, doing paperwork and other menial tasks. Almost nine months later, Carrie had her baby, a beautiful girl, whom she named Madeline. She and Lily and Grace continued to visit each other regularly for a time, but then the other two got married and had families of their own. They owled each other frequently, visited occasionally, but they were all excessively busy with other things. Life had simply gotten in the way.

However, even the owls stopped when Voldemort became more powerful. Sending letters was no longer safe as they could be intercepted and get into the wrong hands. Soon, Carrie was completely shut off from her past in England, from her friends and any painful reminders of what had happened. But she was so busy with work and with Maddie, as she called her daughter, that she did not miss the company of her friends as much as she might have expected. It was becoming more and more dangerous in England everyday, as became increasingly apparent through the articles in the Daily Prophet. Every piece reported of Muggles, witches, wizards, even the most competent of Aurors, dying by the dozens everyday. And it seemed that the Ministry could do nothing to stop it. Eventually, Carrie stopped reading the news, not wanting to hear of the death and destruction her friends were fighting against.

Then, one eventful morning, Carrie went into work only to find all of her co-workers celebrating. They all stood about, singing and laughing, none of them doing any actual work.

"What's going on?" Carrie asked, looking around at them as if they were insane.

"Surely you have heard," said Scott, her boss. "Not even you could have missed the wonderful news!" He threw a copy of the Daily Prophet at her. "Read the headline," he laughed, dancing around the room very awkwardly, for he was not a small man. He could not avoid bumping into tables and knocking over various objects around the room.

Carrie looked at the newspaper given to her, and glanced at the headline. It read: "You-Know-Who defeated." She put down the newspaper slowly and began to laugh too. All was better now. Voldemort was gone, and she was now safe to go back to England to visit her friends. Not bothering to read the article, Carrie joined her co-workers in their celebration.

Arriving home that night, she found Mary sitting on the sofa looking grave.

"Why do you look so upset?" Carrie asked. "Voldemort has been defeated! Come on! Be happy and join all of the celebrations. I think I will go to England to see Grace and Lily now that it's safe."

"Wait!" Mary said, suddenly, looking alarmed at what Carrie had said. "You cannot go visit them. Don't you ever bother to read anything?" Mary took out a copy of the Daily Prophet, the same one Carrie had seen earlier in the day.

"I know- Voldemort has been defeated. What's so horrible about that?"

"Just read it!" Mary commanded, forcing the paper into her hands.

She looked at the article again and read the area below the headline. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named disappears after trying to kill a child... could not kill young Harry Potter... succeeded in first killing his parents, James and Lily... no one knows how Harry survived... great mystery... celebrations continue around the country...." Carrie skimmed the article, looking more and more stunned as she read it. "'James and Lily'? But that couldn't be...."

"I'm afraid it is," Mary said with much emotion, obviously near tears but not wanting to cry. "I'm so sorry, Carrie."

"But, Lily can't be...." She stopped short of actually finishing the sentence. Sitting down, she put her head in her hands, feeling warm tears slowly trickling down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away, and, clearly angry, said, "But why didn't anyone contact me? I didn't get an owl from Grace or anyone else back in England. Why did no one think it important to tell me?"

"Why don't you go to England now?" Mary said, as if trying to reason with her. "You could talk to them in person instead of speculating and thinking no one cares about you anymore."

"I can't go find them.... They all went into hiding and I wouldn't be able to locate anyone if I wanted to." She kicked a table in frustration. "But Grace at least knows where I am. She should have had to decency to travel to Egypt to notify me, so that I wouldn't have to learn about Lily's death in a newspaper!"

Suddenly, she heard the patter of little feet entering the room, and there was Maddie, running up with a book in her hands. She held it up, showing it to her mother, as if to say that she wanted it read to her.

"I'll read it to you, Maddie," Mary said, quietly.

"No," Carrie said, abruptly. "I'll do it. What book have you got there, dearest." The child handed her a tattered book of fairy tales, her favorite being Cinderella. She insisted on hearing it almost every night.

"Why don't I tell you another story tonight? It's about a little boy, even younger than you, who defeated the most evil wizard of all time...."

Maddie's face lit up, and Carrie carried her to her room to tell her the story. It was instantly Maddie's new favorite.

Time passed, almost as if in the blink of an eye. Soon, Maddie was off to a wizarding school in Egypt. Carrie had gotten a position with Gringotts as a Curse-Breaker, spending more time away from home, but earning considerably more money. Mary had moved back to England, claiming that she had gotten a new, much more interesting career there, but she gave no other details about it. Even though Mary had not said it, Carrie highly suspected that she had moved back for some new love interest. Things changed so rapidly that Carrie hardly seemed to notice that nearly fourteen years had passed....