Unreasonably Inadequate

I try not to think about you too often because when I do I have to admit I haven't dealt with everything that happened. I'm not avoiding it; I'm just not dealing with it. It's easier this way because when I think about it I start to wonder why we are still friends. Although, the term friends ought to be used loosely. We only see each other when there is a group. We never spent time together, just the two of us, like we did before. Before.

Before we shared our first kiss. Before we held each other throughout the night and well into the day. Before we had sex. Before we shared all of our secrets. Before we said 'I love you'. Before, when we were just friends. Before.

We hadn't always been friends. For years we were nothing more than year mates and housemates who shared a conversation from time to time. You had always been part of an inseparable trio the rest of us envied. Then Seventh year changed everything. Between your confession of being homosexual, Hermione's engagement to Seamus, and Ron's courtship with Lavender the three of you grew apart. As your partner for the final Herbology project I became your closest friend.

Then the year was over and we all went our separate ways. I headed to university to work on a degree in Herbology and you began training as an Unspeakable. Three years later I stumbled back into your life. Flourish and Blott's was the last place I thought I would run into you at. I had just moved back to London. We caught up that night and were close friends again, until we broke up.

It was an easy transition between friend and lover. So easy I didn't realize what was going on until we kissed for the first time. I had a crush on you but it was not obvious. I played my role, the best friend, without letting on any of my feelings. I stood by while Keagan broke your heart. I even picked up the pieces. I spent all of my free time with you until I knew you were going to be alright. Looking back I know it was during those months that I fell in love with you. Then out of the blue you called me to tell me you had a date. And it wasn't me. I brooded in my flat while you were at the club.

It ended up being a rebound relationship. Rationally I knew it would but emotions often overrule rational thought. Letting my emotions rule my actions is, I'm told, one of my flaws. At any rate after one date life was back to normal. You and I were always together often alone but sometimes with the group.

That fall the Weird Sisters had a reunion tour and the lot of us went. You looked delectable. Dressed in leather pants and a tight shirt the exact shade of your dark green eyes you wore the right amount of eyeliner to look both sexy and dangerous yet approachable. I took one look in your direction and make two goals for the night. In an effort to forget my feelings I planned to get drunk and have a one-night stand. The next morning I woke up with one hell of a hangover and a lot of guilt.

I tried to avoid you after that but like the faithful best friend you were you wouldn't let me. No matter how much I tried to lay low you still showed up and still made me hang out. Instead of fighting it I let things fall back into our normal pattern of inseparability. Honestly it was the way I preferred things.

Christmas changed everything. Sirius insisted we spend the holiday with him. We took a walk around the lake to avoid the party in the parlor of his family Manor. In a rare moment of emotional honesty you were speaking of Keagan and wondering where things went wrong. I told you it didn't matter. That things had gone wrong and there was nothing you could do about it. I told you obviously things weren't meant to work out. Then you looked at me with understanding in your eyes. Twelve minutes later as evening turn into morning you whispered to me 'Happy Christmas' before your lips crashed upon mine.

Our lips touched for the briefest of earth shattering moments before you pulled away and looked me in the eyes. I'm not sure what you were looking for but you must have found it because before I could say anything your arms were around my waist and your lips met mine in passion, desire. It may have been seconds or minutes before that second kiss ended, to this day I cannot remember. I just know that night for the first time in awhile I did not fall asleep alone.

The next morning when we walked out of your room at Sirius's I expected to be bombarded with questions. We had already agreed that until we figured things out for ourselves we would avoid everyone's questions. Surprisingly, other than the curious glances, the only question asked was, 'are you hungry?'. That Christmas was the best one I have ever celebrated.

Two days later our status as a couple was official. I've never understood how you could have fallen for me. I've always been the clumsy overweight kid with horrible short-term memory who is often overlooked. But somehow you saw me. And you let down you're your defenses and allowed me to see the real you.

I remember the first time I saw you cry. It was a rare moment when you were alone in our dorm. You thought you would be alone for a while and had decided to finally let go. It was Halloween during Seventh year. You must have been mourning for the parents you never knew as well as everything else. I didn't force you to talk. I just awkwardly put an arm around you and we sat in silence. Eventually you spoke, you told me of wishing you had just one other memory of your parents other than their deaths. That was the first time I realized that we have being parentless in common. That was the first time in my life I spoke to anyone of my parents.

Two weeks after we were a couple I moved out of my flat and into your house. Everyone told us we were moving too fast but we didn't think so. After a long conversation we both confessed that we had been trying to ignore our feelings toward each other for far too long. It seemed to take no time for both of us to know it was love. Although the world in general didn't seem to approve, everyone who mattered to us not only approved of us but were happy for us too.

We spent four blissful years together before we came to an emotional end on a cold January day. You accused me of being distant which I suppose was true. I accused you fooling around behind my back which we both know didn't happen. Truthfully I knew you loved me but I never understood how you could. How could somebody like you love somebody as boring and plain as me? I was always out of your league. But you loved me despite this.

You asked me not to leave. But I did anyway. I found a new flat as far away as I could without being too far. You tried to make me see that things could work out but I wouldn't let them. I never told you why, but honestly I didn't feel worthy of your affection. We both know I've always had low self-esteem. In the end I let it win.

I would not have survived the break up without Hermione and Seamus. Just as you would not have survived without Sirius and Remus. It's been three years and you're getting married tomorrow. Although I was invited to the wedding I will not be going. Our world is rejoicing, their savoir has finally stopped gallivanting and found a nice witch to settle down with. I know you too well, Harry. I know you're doing this out the sense of duty you feel toward our world. I know you don't love her. I know ultimately this is the last thing you want to do. Therefore I cannot watch you do something I know you are going to regret. And as cruel as it may be I would rather purposely hurt your feelings by not attending then watch you deny who you really are.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You're not going, are you?" Sirius Black asked me from outside the church where I stood.

"I can't"

"I understand, and if it's helps I tried to talk him out of it."

"Why?"

"We both know why," he said with a poignant look.

"Oh."

"Between you and me, he's never going to love anyone the way he loves you. I know it may not seem like it but I know he still loves you, Neville."