Forsaken

Twenty-Two

In which a chance is offered.

I fingered the heavy chain with its charm before I slipped it back under my uniform. Sirius had given it to me. I didn't care what his intentions were, he had given it to me and that was all that mattered. As a Sixth Year prefect, I had some duties to perform before and after dinner. During dinner I sat in-between Lily and James. James was next to Peter, and Sirius across from me. I didn't pay the other Marauders any attention, just chatted lightly with Lily the entire time. After dinner we helped see the First Years to the dorm and let all the Gryffindors know the password ('placebo') before we went to a prefect meeting. The Head Boy and Girl were both Ravenclaws that year, but they usually were, and they sat next to each other as the meeting commenced. I didn't pay much attention, but I was sure that Lily and/or Perri would fill me in later if I asked.

I walked back to my room behind the other Gryffindor prefects, as I wanted to wait as long as I could before I confronted the others. Peter and James were sitting on the former's bed talking quietly as I entered the room. Sirius was scribbling something on some scrap parchment. He looked up at me, his expression unreadable. His eyes were wide. I swore I saw a faint red tint to his cheeks before he ducked his head back down to what he was doing before. I had become an alien in my own group. Lovely. I readied for bed and pulled my curtains. Sleep was far from my thoughts. Soon I heard James' snoring and then I heard Peter's. I could see a faint light, Sirius'. It was far into the night, probably somewhere around midnight, when I saw my curtains open, I quickly shut my eyes.

'Moony,' he whispered, 'are you awake? We need to talk.' I said nothing. After a few minutes of watching my 'sleeping' form, he left, presumably to return to his own bed. I needed more time before I told him off again. It was thing to do it in a letter, it was quite another to do it to his face.

We didn't have class together on the first day, Thursday. James and Sirius were in all the same classes, and I was into heavy Defence and History classes. Peter was... well, he had everything in moderation. I had breakfast like I always did, with the girls, and then I had lunch a Gryffindor-prefect meeting with McGonagall during lunch. After my classes I went to the library. Theoretically I was studying, but I just stared at my books.

'Moony.' I looked up and met Sirius' eyes. He sat slowly, deliberately next to me. 'Moony,' he repeated. 'We need to talk.' I dropped my gaze. He put a hand on mine and reached the other one up to cup my face. 'Moony, what's wrong?' I said nothing. 'I don't want you to be just another boyfriend. Moony, I, I love you too much for that. Please listen!'

I shook his hand off. 'Sirius. Stop toying with me. You know what I am. Werewolves mate for life. For life, Sirius. You can hardly stay with someone for a month. Why would I let you use me and then toss me aside? I love you, Sirius, but you don't know what love is. Don't pretend you do!' I ran out of the library then, leaving my things on the table. Looking back would be my undoing. It was for the best.

I ran out of the castle into the pouring rain. It was September, gone was whatever had existed of the August 'heat'. It wasn't an English rain, it was a Scottish one. It was hard and windy. And cold. It didn't usually get that bad until October or November. I ignored it as I pressed against the wind in the rain. I didn't know where I was going, I didn't care. How could I have been a Gryffindor? I was a weakling and a coward. I was avoiding confrontation and I knew it. Sirius said he wanted to be with me, but I kept thinking of his past infatuations. A blond girl one week and a brunette boy the next. Cadman Bicriu. I ran until I was out of breath, and found myself at the Whomping Willow. I hit the knot and staggered through to the Shack. I hated the Shack. I usually waited out the moon, well before my friends became Animagi, in the base floor of the Shack, and the claw marks were there to prove it. There was a ladder that led up to a loft, and I climbed it. The loft was probably once a bedroom; there was a table, a lantern and a cot on the floor. The small window bore signs of the curtains that had once been there. I dropped my sodden robes on the floor, followed by my muddy shoes and socks. After a minute of consideration, my trousers followed. I crawled under the blanket on the cot and curled in a fatal position. Moony roared in my head; but I ignored him.

The rain hit against the window and I felt the occasional drop against my face, testament to the shabbiness of the shanty. The lantern I left unlit, it wouldn't do to have some adventuresome wizards come see what was amidst in the 'haunted' Shack that night. No, the howling was reserved to the full moon.

I heard the creaking of the floorboards and attributed it to the making of my sanctuary. Then the ladder creaked. Okay, maybe not my imagination. 'Moony?' a light question floated in the air. He had followed me. Who did he think he was?

'Moony...' he climbed into the room and made his way to me. He, too, was sopping wet. He dropped his robes and leaned down to me. In the meagre light the moon gave off, I could see his hair plastered to his face; his eyeliner and mascara formed a black line down his cheeks. His brilliant blue eyes glowed. He steered my face to his so that I had no choice but to look at him.

'Moony, will you listen to me?' he begged. 'All of the others, I don't want them. I never did. I had them to keep me company because the one that I did want didn't pay any attention to me. Not the way that I wanted him to. I could only take it for so long. Soon... every kiss, every caress... it wasn't fair to the one I was with that I was always thinking of someone else. You, Remy. It was always you, and it always will be you. I don't want to fool around, I want to be with you, I want to see you smile and know that it was me that caused it. I want forever, Remus.'

'You don't love me,' I told him, teary eyed, 'You don't love me and you can't love me. I'm not one of your toys and I will not kiss the ground you walk on. You don't know what you're talking about, Padfoot, you're confusing "love" and "lust". That works for others perhaps, but not for me.' He started to protest and I cut him off with a sharp look, 'no-one can love me. No-one can love a dark creature. No-one can one to spend their entire life mated to a dark creature. Please don't say something you don't mean, Pad----'

His lips descended on mine, his hands holding my head still. I jerked away and started to protest, but he pulled me back and continued. 'Moony,' he finished the kiss and ran a hand through my hair, caressing it like it was silk. 'Moony... Moony... I don't understand....' he shook his head, 'no, I don't. How can someone as perfect as you are be so pessimistic and cynical?'

'Experience?'

'I'm not toying with you, Moony,' he sighed, 'I could never do that. I tried everything else I could think of to get you to love me, but all they did was distance you from me. And the most direct route makes you hate me. What can I do, Moony? How the hells can I get your attention?'

'Try awakening the wolf with a kiss... Try Third Year,' I mumbled sadly trying to move my head and failing.

'Third... Blimey! You're... Look, Moony. Give me a chance, then. I know I don't deserve you, but that doesn't mean I don't want you any less.'

I shivered. 'Sirius... just go. Leave, it's the best for... for the both of us.'

'No,' he said. He pressed his lips against mine, briefly. 'Not an option. Give me a chance. Deny not thyself. Prongs... he told me you were... mooning over me. Deny not thyself. Deny not the wolf. Remus, I can prove it to you.' He looked into my eyes, the sapphire orbs bearing into my soul. The eyes are the window to the soul. 'Just give me a chance and I'll prove myself to you. Once chance, Moony. That's all I ask. Please.'

Yes! Yes! The wolf screamed. Remus wasn't quite so sure. It took a moment, and I don't know why. I found myself wrapping my arms around him, burying my head in the crevice of his neck and shoulder. 'Yes, Sirius, yes.'

Twenty-Three

In which fluffiness commences.

I sat in Sirius' arms for hours. Neither of us said anything yet I think we both knew that we had reached an understanding. Was he sincere? I hoped so. I didn't know. He sounded sincere. Was it the wolf that urged me to accept his... proposal? Was it me? No. I don't think so. It was, I think, a subconscious effort that wasn't controlled by the wolf or by me.

I felt right in his arms, but I knew that already from his visit the previous summer. It was the same and it was different. I held him and memorised his scent. His nose was buried in my hair and I felt his own wet hair against my neck. We held each other, not wanting to let the other go. In the battle between Moony and Remus, it was the third party that was still winning.

I felt his hand moving in soothing circles on my back, calming me. I found I had been crying and I didn't quite know when or wherefore I started. After a time it was Sirius that first broke the silence; 'are you done thinking those horrid thoughts?'

'A... about what?'

'The rubbish about who you are meaning that you don't deserve to be happy,' he prompted. I opened my mouth to protest and he glared at me. 'I pay enough attention in Defence to know that you're no dark creature, Moony. You're the smartest, most intelligent, kindest, damnit Moony, you deserve so much more than what you've got. Don't argue with me, you've been crapped on.'

'No, I...'

'Forget the text books and the Werewolf Codes, Remy. Forget it. Listen to me.' He raised my head and initiated another kiss. The first one since the Understanding. 'Merlin,' he sighed, 'perfect. Don't contradict me, Remy. We really need to work on that low ego of yours,' he smiled fondly. 'Ready to fight the rain?' I blinked, confused. 'We do have to make it back to our room eventually. Prongs won't miss us but Wormy might break a vein or something.'

We could have Charmed our robes dry, but it was pointless to do so, as they would only get wet again. As we neared the Tree, we started sprinting, so that we could avoid the violent limbs. Hand-in-hand we ran to the castle, and, upon arriving, we Dried ourselves and rearranged our robes a bit. The latter was in case we were spotted by a professor. I was a prefect, so they didn't mind if I was out and about, but they would have questioned our disarrangement. Mind you, I wouldn't have objected to visiting the prefects' bathroom. Only...

We made our way back. Peter and James were playing Wizarding Chess on the floor. James was decent (Sirius and I could both beat him) and Peter was mediocre at best. Of course, Peter jumped at the chance to do anything with James. He was bordering on obsession. Sirius and I nonchalantly waltzed in and went to our trunks to find our sleeping clothes. We changed quickly. I slipped into my bed, quietly, and Sirius headed to the mirror to pull his brush through his hair -- always the pretty, perfect boy. His hair glistened and he flipped it experimentally over a shoulder before whacking James one. James glared and chucked one of Peter's pawns at him. Sirius stuck his tongue out.

I needed some sleep; I had double Runes in the morning and then Advanced Astronomy was from eight until midnight. I pulled my curtains closed and snuggled in. A few minutes later the noise in the room stopped and my curtains opened. A much-welcomed warm weight settled in and pressed against my back.

'Moony, you didn't wait up for me.'

'I didn't expect you to join me.'

'Silly Moony,' his arm draped around me, reminisce of two summers past. He held me closer than before, though. 'That summer,' Sirius mumbled against my hair, echoing my own thoughts, 'that summer I wanted you. So irresistible. It was torture to only hold you.' His hand dipped down and pulled gently at my navel barbell.

'Padfoot.'

'Hmm?'

'What... what do we do tomorrow?'

'Go to class, I suppose.'

'No I mean... what about Prongs? Wormtail? Your groupies?'

'What about them?'

'Are you going to tell them... about us? There is an "us", right?'

'Of course there's an "us", Moony,' he paused. 'You don't need to worry, I don't want any of them. And I'll tell everyone, if you want me to. There's no hiding and I'm done dating around.'

'Promise?'

He pushed me over, so he was hovering above me and he made eye contact. 'Always, Moony.' And he kissed me. He stroked my hair lightly before settling back down, half on top of me, using my shoulder as a pillow. One of his hands rested on my chest, rising and falling with my breaths. I slowly moved my own hand to rest in his long hair, revelling again in the silkiness.

I woke amazed, to a degree, to see Sirius there. I pushed him off of me and made way to gather my uniform before I showered. My routine was as normal, I met the girls and then went to class. Sirius slept in, as he always did, and I only waved to him as he and James ran to their Transfiguration class. I sat through my double Runes with Lily and several Ravenclaws. From Runes I went to lunch, arriving after the others. Sirius was glancing at the door, eagerly waiting for me to join him. Lily grinned (I told her about what had happened during Runes) and pushed me forward. She, in turn, sat at the other end of the table. Ever since James decided to prove himself to her the year before, she had been avoiding him like the plague. Sirius took my hand in his under the table and squeezed it;

'Missed you.'

'It's only been a few hours, Paddy.'

He shrugged. 'S'not that same having classes without you.'

'You're the one who wants to be an Auror, remember?'

'Little did we know we'd have Potions with Old Snivellus and Herbology with Rosier,' James groaned.

'You did ask for it,' I reminded them.

Peter groaned. 'Of course, now there's no one to help me with my homework...'

The three of us looked at him, 'don't worry Wormy,' Sirius grinned, 'between the three of us we ought to be able to work out something.'

'Of course, with you and Moony together, we might have a hard time actually getting time to talk to you,' James laughed, a slight blush decorating his face.

I looked over at Sirius. 'I went ahead and told them this morning,' he explained, whispering into my ear, 'I hope you don't mind.' I shook my head. ''Wanted to keep my promise to you, Remy.' I smiled and kissed Sirius' cheek.

'Soooo,' James broke in, 'what's the plan for this afternoon?'

'Up for some marauding?' Sirius asked.

'...not Snivellus,' James said with resign, 'Evans didn't like it when we picked on him, so... maybe we should lay off him a little.'

'I was thinking of devising some plans to do a bit of... Black Washing? I've a few new ideas to add on to our "brainstorming" from the summer.'

'It's Friday... I've Advanced Astronomy from eight to midnight.'

'Blimey! That's like...!' James choked. 'Is that even legal?'

'Probably,' I nodded pensively. 'I'm going to go nap in-between then and now. And I don't have much Runes homework, just a little translation.'

'But then...' Sirius protested, 'you'll be out all night!'

'Astronomy's only on Tuesdays and Fridays... and I can skip the days where... I'm otherwise occupied. Tuesday's class is shorter, one to three.'

'In the morning?'

'Well I'm not bloody likely to see stars in the daytime, am I?' Peter giggled. 'Besides, one can see different stars at different times of night. And, it's the perfect time for seeing Sirius.'

'And you have to go out at night to see me?' he raised an eyebrow.

'Must be an ugly star,' James said offhandedly.

'Actually,' I retorted, 'it's the brightest star in the sky, and absolutely beautiful...'

'I remember looking at pictures in Astronomy a few years back,' Peter said helpfully.

'The Blacks obviously don't have any creativity with their baby names,' James commented, 'Sirius, Regulus, Bellatrix, Aldebaran, Antares, Spica, Pollux...'

'Yeah well, there's as many Blacks as there are stars. But I'll always be the best and the brightest.'

I leaned forward, to mock-whisper at James and Peter. 'Let's let him think that, shall we?' Sirius stopped me from making any more snide comments by kissing me quickly.

I finished up lunch and then Sirius and I walked back to the Tower. Sirius said that he wanted to get his textbook, but I knew that that was bullocks.

'I won't get to spend that much time with you,' Sirius complained, 'we have none of the same classes and you have this horrid Astronomy class!'

'You'll be asleep most of that time anyway, you'll hardly notice I'm gone.'

I sat down on my bed, walked towards me and kissed me, softly. 'I've got class...' he walked away. '... I'll be waiting for you when you come back.'

And he walked away and I napped through dinner, and I woke to find Sirius cuddled with me. He was reading his textbook and leaning up against me at the same time. It was heart warming. We cuddled and kissed a little before I went up to the Astronomy Tower.

Once there, Professor Moonstruck ushered us to sit down in a circle around the rim of the tower; there were eight of us total. 'I've paired you up to do a bit of a memory-refreshing assignment that will go throughout the entirety of unit one. You will be assigned a partner and a group of constellations. They are as follows:' she read off names and constellations, I tuned out until I heard my name: 'Lupin and Snape, you have Orion, Canis Major, Canis Minor and Taurus.' An ongoing project with Snape. Not spending time with Sirius because of Snape? This was not going to be good. At all.