Forsaken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fifteen In which there is plotting. I can resist anything but temptation. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it and you soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself. Oscar Wilde. It was the Christmas hols. The room was silent, save Sirius' breathing; the soft, gentile sound of Sirius' breathing. It was soothing and relaxing. Whenever I could, I sat and watched him sleep, but he had his curtains drawn about his bed to trap the heat in. Even in a magickal castle, it got cold in the Scottish winter. Not like that was surprising. He wouldn't notice if I slipped the curtains open for a moment, just to see him. it wouldn't get cold that fast. He looked so peaceful when he slept. Almost like a Christian angel. His black eyelashes kissed his cheek and his chest moved softly with his breathing. All but his head was covered in the creamy duvet, his head and the tips of his fingers on one of his hands. His hair was sprawled out, messily covering part of his face and his pillow. James had urged him to get it cut, well until I glared at him, silently telling him that I rather liked it long. I wanted to run my hands through his hair. It looked so silky and soft. I wanted to make sure that it was. He resembled perfection itself. Of course he did. That's why so many of my classmates were ogling him. He obliged them, too. Quickly I shook that thought from my mind. Now he was mine. The others had him during the day. But I was the only one that saw him like that. Helpless. Helpless and so utterly beautiful. They saw Sirius as he wanted them to see him. I saw Sirius as he was. I knew him better. I didn't deserve him. No. How could I have deserved him? I did want him more, though. How could they have wanted someone they didn't know? Couldn't know? A kiss can ruin a human life. Don't I know that! I focused again on his face, and again on his lips. They were slightly parted. I wanted him so much. The wolf did, too. Once more couldn't hurt. I pressed my lips to his, relishing the feel, the pure bliss. It was a wonder and the greatest thing on earth. And it was something that I could never have. A cause du loup. I left then, not wanting to lose control to my other half. I slipped my robes on and then left Gryffindor Tower quietly. I shivered as the chill in the hall touched me. I wandered the hallways aimlessly. So, naturally, I ran into a group of Slytherins. I identified Malfoy by his hair, his back was to me. He was standing up, talking to the others, who were sitting. Snape was among them, and Rosier. Crabbe and Goyle. The two Lestrange boys. Rockwook and Bole. Parkinson and Zabini. Bletchley and... Oh yes. The three Blacks; Regulus, Bellatrix and Narcissa. The audience noticed me, and Lucius felt the attention leave him, he turned to face me. I had run into, though I didn't know it at the time, one of the very first Death Eater meetings that went on in my Hogwarts years. I'm sure there was a lot of development done, but I know that it was a Death Eater meeting none-the-less. 'Well, well, looks like we got a lion caught in a snake-pit,' Lucius grinned. I feared the thoughts going on in his twisted brain. 'Now what would your parents say if they knew their sweet, little, Gryffindor, had crossed into the dungeon?' 'I haven't got any parents,' I replied, cautiously. Where was this going? 'To lose one parent, Lupin, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness,' he sneered. I just glared in response and backed off a step. 'Not much good without your little friends, eh? Or is it that you're just no match for a handful of Slytherins? And here I thought lions were supposed to be smart.' I rolled my eyes, not trusting myself to say anything. He turned to the other Slytherins, 'what shall we do to him, hm?' 'I can think of a few ideas,' that was Rosier. 'Pay back's hell,' and that was Snape. I whimpered, despite myself and began running. I could hear their laughing, their taunting. Maybe I was a coward. But I knew that I was no match against that many. I ran to the top of the Astronomy Tower. It was even colder outside, if that was possible. There was snow littering the floor and ice forming everywhere. I curled up into a ball on the far side of the tower. I let the snow fall on me, and my tears froze. I didn't care. I sat there for a few hours, until the sun had fully risen. I stood, and brushed myself off before making my way slowly down the Hall for breakfast. And some tea. Yes, something to warm me. At least temporarily. The girls, Donna Kent, Kay Jemmying and Lilly Evans, were already there. None of them had gone home, I noticed. I sat quietly next to Jemmying and helped myself to some tea, and eggs-on-toast. They paused their conversation and turned their heads in my direction. I sneezed. 'You look a little out of it,' Evans noted. 'Feeling ill?' 'Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast,' I cupped my mug in my hands and absorbed the warmth. 'S'not the 'flu, I promise.' They looked doubtfully at each other. 'We were just talking about the Yule Ball,' Jemmying explained. 'And Lily just want to go!' 'You say that like it's a bad thing!' Lily protested. 'You have to go!' Kent exclaimed. 'Think about it, Lily, our first Yule Ball!' 'You just want to go see Sirius dressed up,' Evans retorted. 'I think that's why most people are going,' I sighed. 'He really is getting rather full of his self. It's not good for my sanity to hear him go off like he does.' 'Oh, but, Lupin, it's Sirius Black! He's sex-on-legs!' Oh and don't I know it. 'Boys!' Evans sighed. 'He's not long term relationship material,' Kent clarified, 'but wouldn't you give anything for a chance with him.' In a heartbeat. 'I mean, for serious dating I would consider someone like Lupin here, but, Merlin, Sirius!' I blinked at her statement. 'They're all the same,' Evans enunciated. 'They're clouded by hormones and they want only one thing; sex.' She blushed. 'Current company excluded. Sorry, Lupin.' 'At least I know that I'm not clumped in with the rest of them.' 'That's a good thing, I promise.' I nodded in agreement. 'Now, about the Ball,' Kent grinned. 'You're going Lily.' 'No. No, I'm not,' she grit her teeth. 'If you're worried about a date, I'm sure Lupin won't mind taking you -- as a friend, mind,' Jemmying added slyly. 'Hold it,' I protested. 'Well we can't have her go stag to her first Ball,' Kent said. 'Who said I was going?' 'Well, I did of course,' Jemmying reminded me. Evans leaned across the table to whisper to me, 'just let them think what they want. They'll forget. 'Though, if I have to go, you're the best choice.' 'Thanks, I think.' James was going to kill me. He would be coming back for the Ball, as would Peter, in the next day or so. And Sirius was going. Alone, so that he could dance with whomever he wanted. I was going to try to ditch; unsurprisingly I was not at all interested in watching Sirius dance with others. I returned to my room then, thankfully Sirius wasn't there, to write Quin and Rian a letter. They wouldn't be able to help me. However, they would listen and sympathise and send me chocolate. I could talk to James, theoretically. But there were two problems with him. First, he wasn't at Hogwarts at the time. Second, he might get annoyed and take it upon himself to tell Sirius. Which would be bad. I re-dipped my quill and debated telling them about the Slytherins' meeting. At the very least they could tell me away to hex the lot of them. I did so, with resignation. And sent it away before burrowing myself in my bed to hide from all my troubles.