Forsaken

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Thirteen
In which things that seem easy are not.

I grinned then, feeling genuinely and truly happy for him. 'That's brilliant, Quin, he seems like a really nice bloke. And now I won't have to feel quite so guilty about leaving you alone.'

'I, thanks Remus,' he came over and embraced me. 'I was worried you would be, you know, upset about it.'

'Why?'

'Prejudices and, whatever,' he shrugged. 'Pretty silly, eh?'

'I'm a werewolf, Quin,' I reminded him. 'Besides, if you're right the wolf has chosen Sirius,' I sighed. Hating myself for bringing up a topic I wanted to forget.

'Have you?'

'Have I what?'

'Chosen Sirius.'

'Quin!' I protested. 'Sirius is my friend. We are very close, but the fact remains, he is my friend.'

He nodded, understanding. His eyes, however, told me that neither the conversation nor the topic was finished yet. I finished my chocolate and went up to bed. My thoughts raced all over the place as sleep went further and further away.

Moony,

Did you survive the moon okay? I know that we don't really help with anything, but I do worry about you. Although, your guardian (Quin, is it?) probably takes good care of you. I do feel guilty that you've had so many transformations without anyone there for you and I wish that we could be there for you to help out during the moon itself. No, I wish that you didn't have to feel the pain at all, that I can just take it all away from you. It isn't fair that you have to transform as you do.

I knew that my life would be Hell, why can't we Maraud around Regulus and teach him a bloody lesson? Oh, right, because I pay for it during the summer. It's well after midnight and I managed to sneak out to owl this (James sent his owl to me, and that's why that's James' owl). If you want to owl me, send them through him, hopefully they'll get to me. I'm locked away during the day, that is when they're not lecturing me. It's my fault that I was chosen for Gryffindor (even though I would have killed myself if I were a Slytherin). And shame on me that I target the poor Slytherins in my deviance. I think I might throw up.

Moony! How I miss you! I think you're the one that keeps me sane. No, I'm certain of it. James is nice enough as is Peter, but you're the smartest one and the most down to earth. And it's hard

I can't wait for class. 'Bet you never thought you'd hear me say that, eh, Moony? But I need to be back at Hogwarts. Back with you. Sod it all! If I could Time Turn, I would. If I were old enough to Apparate I would. Enough lamenting, though. you get the point and I don't want to moon on it (no pun intended).

Don't let your ego deflate, Moony. You're great, you don't need us to tell you that.

Sirius

I read Sirius' letter and felt sorry for him. He tried not to complain too much around me ever since he learned about my parents and my uncle. I didn't hold it against him, I knew the Blacks were horrible, I wasn't about to doubt it. We had horrible lives. Mine was improving and his was not. I had Quin and he had scores of pureblooded relatives hanging around him. Past life notwithstanding I'd say he had it pretty bad, and I don't think any would argue with me.

I've already said that Quin treated me like a father should, right? Well, Rian was his compliment in so many ways. I guess that would make him the motherly figure though that follows stereotypes that they don't fit into. Rian looked after my diet. He fed me immense amounts of rare meat more instantly than Quin did and, for all that he was well over six feet tall, he was very cuddly. He took to me immediately and adopted me as Quin had.

It was still to Quin that I brought my problems and it was still Quin that could sense them. He kept looking at me, watching me, waiting for me to come to him to finish our discussion. We would talk about whatever during our private, before bed drink, but he never brought it up. Rian, Quin and I kept ourselves busy during that time, we played games and went out. They showed me parts of the Muggle world that I had never seen before.

And I fought with myself.

Okay, I know it's around that age (early teens) that kids, you know, start wondering (or in some cases) start doing. What did I feel for Sirius? I mean, I liked him, I knew that, but other than that? He was someone special to me, we treated each other differently than we did James or Peter… But that was because we were us, wasn't it?

I knew where the wolf stood on the issue: he wanted to claim Sirius for his own more than he had ever wanted anything ever before. But me? I liked being with Sirius. No, I loved it. I relished every minute I spent with him. I felt like I could see him like no one else could. And I loved just to be close to him. To…

Blimely! I realised, in a single moment, I was in love with my best friend. Bloody hells! I was in love with Sirius Black.

As my nickname suggested, I mooned around for a while, sitting often in my favourite chair with a cup of hot chocolate grasped between my hands. I became quite familiar with the flowered print on the walls and the little specs on the ceiling.

'Okay, Remus, enough of this,' Quin came to me one day in mid-August, 'tell me what's bothering you.'

'You were right,' I told him weakly.

'I often am,' he grinned. When I didn't respond, he took a more serious tone, 'about what?'

'About Sirius.'

'Oh,' he responded, 'oh.'

'I think I am in love with him,' I moaned, 'I want him as much as the wolf does.' I looked into my half-empty mug, swirling the liquid around with a few half-minded twists. 'Why me?' I dry-sobbed, 'Quin, why always me?'

'Boys have been asking that for centuries, Remus, and there is yet to be an answer,' he took the mug from me and scooted me over to sit next to me, the two of us fitting comfortably on the oversized chair. 'I suppose telling him would be out of the question.'

'He's already started dating his way though the school.'

'So you said,' he nodded.

'I can suppress the wolf's desires,' I told him.

He ran a long fingered hand through my hair, 'I know you can, but what about your emotions?'

I shook my head, 'being close to him is enough for me.'

'You can't be serious,' he mumbled against my hair. You need to be fair to yourself, Remus.'

'I could loose Sirius entirely,' I retorted. 'It's better to have him near me than to have him hate me.'

'Is he so bad a person that he would hate you for your confession?'

'It's not that, just… If he doesn't feel it, then it'll be awkward… our friendship could…'

'And you're not like the other teens,' Rian added, joining us on the chair for a more tight, but still comfortable, fit. 'I don't envy you at all, lad.' He circled an arm behind me to rest on Quin's shoulder and the other lay on my knee. 'You may have to wait and see what Sirius does because you always have to consider what your other half will do.'

I just sighed and enjoyed their warmth and comfort. Maybe it was an abandoned child thing or maybe it was a wolf thing, but I did like this semblance of family. My home pack.

I told myself that I could see Sirius and it would be fine, I could contain myself and just spend time with him. It would be easy, I thought. Even with my confession, I would pretend everything was just as it was, because nothing had changed but my feelings.

Then I saw Sirius.

As usual, I was there first, in the cabin, and James and Peter got there next. The train was due to leave when Sirius popped in. If he was gorgeous the last year then he was beyond description that year. He had let his hair grow more and it was gathered in a loose ponytail at his neck. Strands fell and framed his perfect face and his blue eyes glowed brilliantly. His voice, even saying a simple greeting, was like music, flowing magickally and without means.