Forsaken

Chapter Twenty

In which hearts are broken.

We were in the tunnel under Honeydukes, the four of us. I had missed the last Hogsmede day because of the moon and they decided to 'treat' me to some candy. Not like I protested too much. Being a prefect had its benefits, and we walked, unnoticed though the halls. We were in good spirits, closer than before. Sirius and James more than made up for my 'lack of interest' in pranks. Peter, too, had declined participation in his share. He and I spent a good deal of time studying for our OWLs. Sirius and James had turned, almost exclusively, to taunting Snape. For some reason, they wanted to go for the easy prey. I hadn't taken part in any of the Snape-pranking. Anytime we hit on any other Slytherin, I was usually there. I had had enough of Snape though. It wasn't fair, I realised. Malfoy had graduated and Snape had no one. I wasn't about to take advantage of that. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right.

'Jemmying said yes,' Peter grinned as we piled the candies on his bed. 'She said she had been waiting for me to ask. She had been waiting!'

'Good for you, Wormtail,' I smiled. Well, one of the four of us going with the one we wanted was decent.

'I want to ask Evans.'

'She already has a date,' Peter told him, proud to share information that James didn't already know.

'Wait! She! I'll kill him... I'll...'

'It's me, James,' I whispered. 'She asked me if I would go with her - as a friend, mind.'

'MOONY!' he groaned and I shied away, falling backwards on Sirius' bed. 'How could you?'

'Sorry?'

'Sirius!' James called, 'Sirius, you take Remus and then I can go ask Evans.'

Sirius looked at me and I shot James a warning glare. 'I'd love to Prongsy, especially since I've seen the outfit he'll be wearing, but I don't know what my fans will think.'

'Sod your fans,' he nearly shouted. 'Take Moony, dance with him... whatever. You two can make a statement and be the most stunning blokes there. And I'll finally get Evans.'

'And I suppose you've talked to all the parties involved in this, James?' I asked sarcastically.

'What?'

'Have you asked Lily? Have you asked me?'

James shrugged. 'I don't see any problem.'

'Just leave it be, Prongs, you can ask her to dance. If she wants to, she will.'

He groaned and scowled and I grabbed some chocolates and retreated to my bed to read some before going to bed. I felt Sirius' eyes on me and I sullenly pulled my curtains closed before I closed my eyes. Damn James for putting ideas into Sirius' head.

To skip ahead a bit, I've covered enough nondescript Christmas hols, we got ready for the Yule Ball. Sirius was dressed in his tighter-than-sin pants and spandex blue top. His hair was down, but he spelled it so it gleamed. His boots had a collection of buckles on them. As I slipped into my outfit, Sirius held out a piece of jewellery - it was like my navel ring that the piercer had given me, only it had three chains dangling from the bottom jewel, each with their own, little gem. Everyone else had on dressrobes, save Lily who was dressed in a skirt-and-blouse ensemble similar to the previous year.

We stood, like the year before, in front of the punch-table mocking our peers. Well, we danced a few dances, but we were neither of us real fans of dancing. Lily cooed at me, watching me watch Sirius. Merlin. Sirius Sex-on-legs Black. As promised James appeared and asked for a dance. There were several girls trailing behind him (James being a Quidditch star and all) and they pouted when he asked. She said 'no'. A few minutes later, he asked again, with the same response. Lily rolled her eyes. The third time she must have felt sorry for him because she accepted.

'Moony,' Sirius whispered in my ear, 'I see your date's left you for Prongs.' I nodded. 'Dance with me?'

I turned to face him. 'I'm fine, thank you.'

'Sorry, wrong answer.' He pulled me onto the dance floor and wrapped his arms around my waist, mine went around his neck--loosely. Apparently it was too loose, he pulled me closer, and I was forced to do the same. He was too close for my personal comfort. Damn my tight pants! One of his hands trailed up to my hair and he tentatively brushed a hand through my hair. 'I knew you'd look great, Moony. So bloody gorgeous.' I rolled my eyes. 'You know, I would have come with you, just you, if you had wanted.' His hand steadied. 'You're the best looking bloke here - and the best kisser.'

'You're just horny,' I told him.

'Your fault,' he shrugged. The song ended and I tried to pull away. 'Another dance, Moony?'

'Sirius,' I looked him in the eyes, 'I am not one of your conquests and I would appreciate it if you didn't treat me as thus.'

'Moony... I...' he pulled me towards him again and pressed his lips against mine. His tongue slipped in my mouth and I pushed him away.

'Don't do this to me, Sirius. You can't do this to me,' I ran out of the Hall, brushing back tears with my long sleeves as I went. I ran to the one place that Sirius couldn't follow me; the prefects' bathroom. I'm a coward, I know. Lily followed me in, a few minutes later. She knew about my tendency to hide myself and I knew that she had been watching the whole thing.

'So, want to tell me what happened there?' Straight to the point. Excellent. I shook my head in the negative. 'Remus. He was there, holding you and kissing you.'

'Because I was there, Lily,' I sobbed. 'He doesn't want me. I'm... I'm just another notch on the bedpost for him!

'Are you so sure?' I nodded. 'Potter was watching pretty intensively, too. Maybe he knows something?'

'I want him to be mine. Mine alone.'

'You and half the school,' Lily agreed. 'I'm on your side, though,' she paused, 'I was surprised when you pushed him away.'

'It was hard... but I didn't want to get too confused in the midst of things.'

Lily left me to my sorrows and I stayed there for a time. Upon returning to the room, I found it empty, untouched. I didn't bother to think about where my roommates were, I went to bed and though about Sirius. I thought about the feel of his arms pulling me to him, I thought about his hand in my hair, his warm body against mine (and my reaction to it). I thought about his lips and his tongue. I went to sleep thinking of him, not like that was any change from normal.

So the year passed. The second term was mostly cram-studying for OWLs and then... the OWLs kind of crept up on us. We did them, as willing as we could, and then there were two left: Defence Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration.

The Defence OWL was, well, easy. I mean, I didn't have any problems with it and I had been afraid that I hadn't studied nearly enough. And no matter what I got wrong, I knew that the werewolf one was right. For obvious reasons. A glance proved that Sirius and James had both finished. Sirius was running a hand through his nails and looking properly bored. James was doodling, about Lily no doubt. Flitwick called in the parchments and the test was over.

James, Sirius, Peter and I reunited at the door to push our way through the crowd that had gathered to see Sirius and James, their favourite Quidditch stars.

'Did you like question ten, Moony?' Sirius asked nonchalantly.

'Loved it,' I replied. '"Give five signs that identify the werewolf." Excellent question.'

'Do you think you managed to get all the signs?' James asked facetiously as we exited the castle.

'I think I did,' I said with mock resign. 'One: he's sitting in my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin,' I laughed.

Peter fidgeted, unlaughing. 'I got the snot shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail, but I couldn't think what else - '

'How thick are you Wormtail?' James asked. I flinched at his tone: Peter needed ego boosting, not deflating.

'Keep your voice down, Prongs!' I whispered.

'Well I thought the paper was a piece of cake. I'd be surprised if I don't get an "Outstanding" on it at least,' Sirius boasted.

'Me too,' James agreed pulling a Snitch out of his pocket.

'Where'd you get that?' Sirius' eyes widened.

'Nicked it.' He played with it idly and Peter watched in awe.

I hate hormones.

We sat in the shade and I promptly pulled out a book and began reading. It was my Transfiguration text, I wanted to finish rereading it before the OWL. Not the most exciting reading, mind you. It was more interesting that Wormtail's hero-worship and James' attempt to get random girls' attention.

'Put that away, will you?' Sirius said finally, 'before Wormtail wets himself with excitement.'

'If it bothers you,' James shrugged and put it back in his pocket.

'I'm bored,' Sirius said after a bit, 'wish it was full moon.'

'You might,' I mumbled without looking up. 'We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here...' I held out my book.

'I don't need this rubbish. I know it all.' I rolled my eyes in a Lily-like way.

'This'll liven you up, Padfoot,' James smiled, 'look who it is...'

'Excellent,' he said softly, 'Snivellus.'

James and Peter stood. Peter watched them and I went back to the book.

'All right, Snivellus?' James asked. He pushed Snape back with Expelliatmus and Sirius laughed. 'How'd the exam go, Snivelly?'

'I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,' Sirius replied. 'There'll be great grease marks all over it, they wont be able to read a work.'

'You - wait. You - wait!' Snape promised.

'Wait for what, Snivelly? What are you going to do, wipe your nose on us?'

Snape cursed, James hexed his mouth clean, Sirius laughed, Peter awed and I sighed.

'Leave him ALONE!' Lily screamed.

'All right, Evans?' he asked in his gentleman voice.

'Leave him alone,' she reiterated in her boys are stupid voice. 'What's he done to you.' I love you, Lily.

'Well,' he said rationally, 'it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean...' Many students laughed. Lily didn't. I didn't either.

'You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.'

'I will if you go out with me, Evans,' James asked quickly. Trust James to find a way to make everything go his way. 'Go out with me and... I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.'

'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and a giant squid.'

'Bad luck, Prongs,' Sirius commented.

I tuned out at that point. I think Snape called Lily... well, a bad name for a Muggle-born. James told her that he would never call her that. Lily told him that he was just as bad - and insulted his clothing. There was hexing and whatever. At one point I just got up and left, seeking out my aforementioned, newfound sanctuary.

I opened the door, glad to see that I was empty, dropped my outer robe on the marble floor and sat on the floor, with my back against the wall. A few minutes later, the door opened and closed and I heard the ruffle of clothing.

'Your robes will get wrinkles if you lay them on the floor,' Lily told me. She hung mine on a peg and hers next to mine.

'I can get them out easily enough.'

'Sure you can,' Lily agreed. She came over and sat next to me on the floor. 'Sorry for yelling at your friends like that, but they were being horrid.'

'I just wish that I could have done that,' I told her. 'The two of them are just getting worse.' I moaned; 'and I thought last year was bad!'

'Hopefully it's hit its height.'

'Hopefully. At any rate, this should be a wake-up call for them. Maybe they'll change their ways?'

'Because I yelled at them? Not likely.'

'James probably will, he doesn't like being embarrassed. Sirius, though,' I shrugged. 'I should probably go see how they're taking it.' I rose and put my robes back on. 'Although, I would much rather throw them into a pile of mud at this point.' She laughed as left. I quickly made my way to the Tower and up to my room. Sirius was there alone. He turned to me as I came in, 'Did you ask Baxley?'

'She said "no", Paddy. Again. She's not interested in you.'

'Of course she's interested in me. Everyone's interested in me. I mean, honestly!'

'Maybe, just maybe, she's not interested in becoming another scratch on your bedpost; another conquest for the Gryffinwhore!' I tried hard to contain my own feelings, to not hurt him. 'Not everyone wants to have sex with you! Maybe she's better than that!'

'At least I know how you feel, Moony,' he got up and stalked away.

Somehow I knew the conversation hadn't been about Perri Baxley. It was about him and it was about me. And yet, I felt horrible for saying what I said, for hurting him. Through all his conquests, I'd always been the one who shrugged it off, who was still his friend. I'd always been the one to be his friend, to stand up for him when he was called the Gryffinwhore.

I went to apologise to him. I took the Map and found him, it was easy enough, he was in the hallways just outside of the Transfiguration room. I was going to tell him how I felt about him, how I was mad that it wasn't me, how I wanted it to be me. I was going to tell him.

I was.

Only, I found him in the arms of Cadman Bircriu, a Ravenclaw, and they were snogging. Snogging in the middle of the hall without a care for anyone or anything. I ran back to my bed, pulled the curtains and just cried.

Chapter Twenty-One

In which letters are exchanged.

I became silent and withdrawn. Everyone viewed it as being depressed. Maybe it was. I was hurting. Moony was hurting. Seeing is believing. It was one thing when I knew Sirius was fooling around, it was quite another to see him. Especially only months after the... dare I say disaster at the Ball. After I saw Bircriu in Sirius' arms in the hall, that's all I could think about. I saw Sirius holding him, kissing and... and... then it progressed to more. It sickened me. But what was worse was Sirius' continued association with Bircriu. There was about three weeks between the Event and the end of the year, and Sirius was with him often. Okay, granted, I had stopped talking to Sirius... almost pretending that he didn't exist. To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's life. It is no less than a denial of the soul. Oscar Wilde. But they stayed together whenever they could; there was little to do after taking the OWLs.

I was eager for the train to come. When it did, I went to the prefects' carriage, ignoring James, Peter... and Sirius. James had been being incredibly nice to me. Peter, too. Being snotty to an angry/depressed werewolf is not a good idea. James knew what was going on, of course, and I think that Peter suspected. Lily, too, was treading carefully around me. She didn't bother talking about Sirius around me any longer. On the train Lily was sitting next to me, cuddling up against me. I liked the contact and so did she. She was chatting on about people and the summer and whatever. James changed, as I said he would. And Lily liked the change - she told me that I was not, under any circumstance to tell him that. The other prefects were talking about whatever and it didn't matter to me.

Quin and Rian noticed my melancholy mood upon seeing me and offered me some chocolate-caramel cake. It didn't work. I went to my room and didn't come back down.

There was a knock at my door, I didn't answer. 'Remus, I'm coming in.' Quin entered my room, a cup of tea in one hand and a slice of cake in the other. I didn't move as he sat on my bed. 'So, what's up?'

'Nothing,' I mumbled.

'You haven't been sending letters recently and you're practically dead now. What's wrong, Remy?' I sighed and summarized the cause of my problems. He hugged me. 'Just hang in there, that's all I can say. Oh, and eat some cake.' We're here for you, and we'll do whatever we can.' He squeezed my shoulder. 'I'll leave you now, eat the cake and drink the tea, and think happy thoughts.' He left. I did what he said to humour him and then cried myself to sleep.

About a week later a letter arrived from James. I was still holed up in my room. Rian brought it up to me;

Moony,

Padfoot is here. He ran away from home. Well, it was a little less dramatic than that. He took a load of Galleons from his father's purse and then packed his things up and flooed over here last night. He said he's not going back. Dad said that he was okay with housing Padfoot for as long as he needed, seeing as he's only here during the summer. You've upset him, you know. He's afraid he's morally offended you and that hurts him. I've very nearly told him the truth, just to shut him up -- don't worry, I won't. I think, though, that there was something deeper behind his actions at the Ball. That hurt him, too. Not just the rejection of someone he wanted at that moment, I've seen that, remember Baxley? No, I've a notion that he might actually like you. He certainly cares for you enough. You don't have to listen to me, but at least hear him out. Talk to him, Moony. Write him a letter. Something. Anything. Please? He needs it. It's bad enough that his family hates him. He knows what I think about his... activities. You mean something more, though. Somehow, I think, you two are closer than we ever were. Best mates, Moony. I want the best for you and I want the best for him. Of course, you know that I'll never let him hurt you. I don't need to threaten to hurt you if you hurt him. But I will threaten him. Moony, hang in there. Write back, I need to know you're okay. And write to Sirius, too.

Prongs

I couldn't do it. Writing him a letter... I would fail. Sirius didn't give me that chance. I got a letter from him later that evening, it was sealed and heavy. There was a chain inside, a heavy, white gold, braided chain with a crescent moon charm on it. Attached was a note:

Moony, I'm sorry for hurting you.

I scribbled a short reply:

Padfoot, what are you playing at?

And the exchange started thus:

I found something that was almost as beautiful as you are. You may hate the moon, but every time I see it, I think of you.

Padfoot, stop it.

Stop what?

I won't become another conquest of the Gryffinwhore. Go to Bircriu, he's willing enough. Or someone else that wants you.

Sorry you feel that way, Moony.

You don't know what you want, Padfoot. Don't pretend that you do.

I wiped my tears away. The letters stopped then. I put the chain on, despite my mind telling me not to. It was from Sirius. I cherished it. Rian and Quin understood me. They wondered, like Lily, why I wasn't even giving him a chance, but they knew my motivations. À cause du loup. I couldn't 'play around' with him. It was all or nothing. And I couldn't do that to him, not as an experiment. And Sirius obviously didn't understand commitment.

I made prefect again, so I slipped into the carriage without seeing Sirius. It gave me a few more hours to contemplate my reaction. Bellatrix spent the trip gossiping about Sirius' removal from the family tree. Lily, Perri and Conner tried to comfort me. Moody, moony, loony Lupin.

I got to school and the real problems began.