Forsaken

Fourteen
In which some indulge and some do not.

Sirius flashed us a grin and proceeded to hug us each individually and I tried not to melt in his arms as the briefly held me.

'Merlin but it's good to see you lot!'

'Wish I could say the same, Sear,' James replied, 'but you know how I feel about lying.'

Sirius stuck his tongue out immaturely and settled down next to me, he snuggled up and closed his eyes. ''up last night doing homework, 'taking a nap.'

'You had all summer,' I told him, suppressing myself as I felt him lean against me, 'you have no reason to be complaining.'

'Bugger off, Moony, I need the beauty sleep for my admirers.'

'Beauty sleep?' Peter choked.

'Admirers?' James scoffed.

'I think,' I whispered, 'our Sirius is getting too high of an opinion of himself.'

'It must come from spending all summer with purebloods,' Peter replied insightfully.

'Yes, it must.'

'Hey! I resent that!' James protested.

'Point made,' Peter and I said in concert. No matter what, that was one thing we held over them; they were purebloods and we were not. Peter was a confused Muggle-born and I was a half-blood werewolf pup.

''Don't wanna be a Black,' Sirius mumbled sleepily using my shoulder as a pillow and grabbing fistfuls of my robes. 'Comfy.'

I looked helplessly at James and Peter and they looked back sympathetically. I felt Sirius' warmth radiating through our clothes and I couldn't help but put an arm around him (to steady him as the train started moving…). The wolf stirred, but I silenced him, telling him to be content with what he had. I just basked in the essence that was Sirius. I told myself firmly that that was as close as I would ever get to him.

The wolf kept lashing out at me, crying—howling—to get his wish. I denied him. I always do. Of course, I knew I would pay for it come the next moon, but I had gotten used to that. Merlin, he was going to be so difficult to manage. Well, all bets are off during the moon anyway. At least I had the Shrieking Shack.

We filed into our lives as if we were never gone. In essence, we weren't. It was home for us. We went to our own locations during the hols, but at Hogwarts we were the Marauders. We belonged there, and no one could take that away from us.

Fourth Years are just like Fifth Years without the OWLs. Kind of. Well, there was the Yule Ball that we could look forward to, in my case dread, and studying and more challenging classes and… well, prefects were named Fifth Year, so we didn't have that hanging over our heads either.

Of course, take thirty-odd fifteen year olds and you're just asking for trouble. I hate hormones. I've read Muggle books and I know how teenagers are supposed to act in their Secondary Schools and what have you, but imagine this: four-sevenths of Hogwarts students are between fourteen and eighteen, that's roughly one hundred twenty students. And they're all locked in the same castle, day in and day out. It's hard for the average teenager to survive with hormones and the lot.

Just remember: I'm a gay werewolf that was in love with my best friend.

Sirius, obviously, knew he was absolutely, bloody beautiful and he flaunted it like nothing else. He had everyone drooling. He started rather slowly, as he got the hang of it. He saw a different girl every couple of weeks, it was nothing really serious. He then began to add in the anxious boys. Sirius was never one to discriminate. They were pawing after him and I suspected that some of them had created a fan club for him (a fact that Lily Evans later confirmed for me). It was ridiculous. James was too stunned to comment on Sirius' behaviour, claiming that he should pick on and go after her (or him), Sirius' response was something along the lines of, 'at least I'm not fawning over one girl and am too afraid to tell her. My fans want me, and until I find the one I feel no shame in indulging myself.' James went tomato red at the mention of his crush (also referred to as a 'rather large obsession'). Peter took it in stride, but he tended to do so. I mean, he was busy observing all of us.

But I got something Sirius' fan club did not; his first kiss.

'Moony,' Peter closed his book after I had finished tutoring him, 'I don't suppose you know any hormone-suppressing potions?' he looked at me hopefully.

Sighing I replied, 'I wish I did.' I gathered my own books. 'James can complain all he wants about Sirius, but he's just as bad.'

'Worse,' Peter groaned. 'Lily,' he said in falsetto, 'oh! how she doth teach the candles to burn bright!'

'What happened to them, were they really this bad before the summer hols?'

'I don't think so,' he paused, 'well, you know I like Donna Kent, right,' I nodded, he had told me this the year before upon my promise that I would tell neither Sirius nor James, 'well, I'm not as bad as they are, am I?'

'They're in another league altogether,' I laughed.

'Good.' He, too, laughed. 'Remus,' his voice got quiet, 'who do you like?'

Okay, I should have known that was coming. But I didn't. Or at least, I didn't know the response to it. 'Being what I am,' a werewolf, 'makes it hard for me be with anyone, for a number of reasons.' He blinked. 'Most people are prejudiced… and there are laws and, besides, werewolves mate for life. So, even if I did like someone, it'd be selfish of me to tie them down, you know?' I smiled at the end of it, as I finished explaining, but, inside, my heart tore.

He patted my shoulder sympathetically, he never was sure how to act when we talked about my condition.

Peter, for whatever reason, had chosen to take the same classes as James, Sirius and myself, and some were higher level than he would usually understand. So we spent a fair amount of time tutoring him. Not like that was a big change from normal or anything. But it also meant that I was spending huge a huge amount of time with Sirius. That shouldn't have been different from normal, but it was. And all because of my stupid confession, which wasn't even to him.

I wrote Quin and Rian about it, and they replied to my sympathetically telling me that, if I wasn't going to tell Sirius, I just needed to try to act 'natural', lest Sirius figure out something was different. They also sent me chocolate. Mm, chocolate.

Over the years, Sirius and I had grown closer as friends. I mean, James was still his best mate, but we were close. I know I've said this before, just hang on a second. He felt comfortable with me. If he was having a bad day, he would talk to me. If he got yelled at by his mum, he would come to me for a hug. He would randomly, casually touch me. In a very friendly matter. Well, when we went into Fourth Year, I tried to let him, as I was, as you know, eager for the contact, but I ended up shying away a little. Sirius, if he noticed, probably thought it was because of all of his other relationships or because I was ashamed of him. Or something. Who knows what went on through his mind. James noticed though:

'I have a question,' James plopped down unceremoniously next to me as I was reading up on the map-charm from the previous year.

'And I have an answer,' I assured him, 'though I can't promise you that it's the answer you need.'

He took a deep breath, pausing for a moment; 'what's going on with you and Sirius?'

'How do you mean?'

'I mean, what… blast it, Moony, do you like him?'

'Of course I like him,' I blinked.

'No I mean,' he sighed, 'do you like him, Moony?'

'I…' I closed my book and let my head fall forward. 'Am I that obvious?'

'No, I'm just really perceptive,' he replied. 'Sirius, however, is a dimwit.'

'Well…'

'Don't defend him, Moony, he is,' he took my book from me and sat closer. 'I don't like seeing him dating around like this, it hurts me. Tell him that you like him and,' he shrugged, 'hey, if I liked guys, you'd be my ideal man.'

'Sirius said he would never hit on another Marauder,' I retorted, ignoring his other statement.

'He won't be breaking any promises if you go to him,' James countered.

'Look, I can't.'

'Why not?'

'You know what I am, James.'

'Sear may be stupid, but he accepts your lycanthropy and it's not like you can have children with him anyway.'

I whimpered, 'forget about it.'

'Moony?' I explained the mating-for-life thing to him and he blinked in confusion for a moment before it clicked. 'Blimey. Just, blimey.'

'I love him, James,' I confessed, 'but I can't do that. Not to him. Cor, he's fifteen.'

'Maybe I can—'

I cut him off with a sharp glare, 'just leave it be, James. Let me suffer. Don't. Tell. Sirius.' I enunciated, 'Not. Ever.'

He backed off, 'alright! Alright! Just, remember it's Sirius. And… Well, I'll always be around if you need me, right, Moony?'

'James, never!'

'Marauder's Promise,' he held his hand out to me, I took it and the subject was closed.