Forsaken

Sixteen

In which there are social norms.

'Moony!' James whined. 'How could you do that?'

'Were you honestly going to ask her?'

'Yes... I... No... Well,' he stuttered, 'that's not the point!'

'Besides, it's not like I asked her,' I protested, 'the girls plotted against me!'

'Moony, you did this on purpose!' he fumed.

'James,' I whispered, 'you know with whom I wanted to go, and that I don't want to go at all.'

'But...'

'Lily doesn't want to go either.'

'LILY?' Okay, bad move. But she had asked me to call her by her given name.

'But she doesn't...' I sighed. 'James, I want Sirius. But I can't have him.' I forced back tears, 'and Jemmying and Kent decided that Lily and I were going to go to the Ball together. I didn't want to contradict it too much lest they know about your crush.'

'Moony, that's not fair!' James reiterated. 'You're being selfish! Just because you won't tell Sirius doesn't mean you can take Lily!'

'Selfishness, James, is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live,' I quoted, 'that's Wilde by the way.' I shook my head and grabbed my scarf. 'You know why I can't tell him, James, and you know how much it hurts me.' I wrapped the knit garment around my neck before heading out of the hall and into the courtyard. I crunched in the snow as I crossed from one side of the school to another, back to my room.

At least James knew enough to not have that conversation in front of Sirius and Peter. James knew about my obsession. At least he intended to keep it secret. For the time being.

We were Forth Years, and there were three and a half years left of Hogwarts, seven terms. We were halfway through, yet only just begun. So much had happened since I walked in the doors of Hogwarts. My life had changed, for the better. I barely resembled the poor, lost boy I was at eleven, and I remembered him less. But then, no British wizard lives until he goes to Hogwarts. The first eleven years mean nothing, the next seven mean everything. I didn't know why I was chosen for Gryffindor, I wasn't, as Malfoy had pointed out, brave or courageous, but I was glad that I did. I mean, I felt I should have been in Ravnclaw, but the Hat didn't, and the Hat was never wrong. Of course, if I were a Ravenclaw, I wouldn't be a Marauder. And being a Marauder gave me a reason for living. Merlin, that makes no sense!

I was not at all surprised to see Sirius sitting down running a brush through his hair. He was dressed in emerald green robes that matched his eyes perfectly. I stopped at the doorway and just watched him for a moment, he didn't notice; he was too busy looking at himself (and talking to Peter). I felt a hand on my shoulder and spared its owner a glance. James. He smiled at me, a small smile filled with pity.

'Sorry, mate,' he leaned down to whisper in my ear, 'I didn't mean that, I was just upset. I know you don't like her. We'll make him come around, I promise.'

'James, you said you wouldn't tell,' I hiss, my gaze once again locked on Sirius.

'Marauder's Promise,' James agreed. 'But you two were made for each other. It will work out. I know it will.' He squeezed my shoulder before brushing past me. 'Still getting dressed, Sear?'

'Of course, Jim,' he glared, 'and I see you've not even begun.'

'And you should with that hair of yours,' Peter chimed.

I relaxed, 'there's not a charm invented that can tame the Potter Hair of Doom, it has a life of its own.

'And then some,' James smiled, 'besides, only girls and the peacock here need three hours to get ready.'

'Just because I want to look good for the dance...' Sirius started.

'Sirius, they want to see you with as little clothing as possible,' I told him sadly, hoping he didn't notice my tone, 'there may be a line of them waiting to dance with you at the Ball.' James spared me a glance. I ignored him and went to my trunk to dig up my own robes. Quin and Rian insisted that I get some, even though I wasn't planning, even then, to go to the Ball. They were fairly simple, inexpensive, and black. I pulled them on quickly, without really caring. I went over to the mirror and ran a brush through my hair. The tawny mass had grown a little longer than I usually wore it, but I liked it. I wouldn't let it get as long as Sirius' but I did like it. My amber eyes stared back at me, yet another reminder of my lycanthropy. My reflection whistled and it gave me some flirtatious remarks about my appearance. The other three boys looked up at me.

'Looking good, Moony,' Sirius chided, 'I may have a new rival.' He rested his hand on my shoulder and I looked at the reflection of this in the mirror before stepping aside. Damn him anyway.

The Hall was done up in frills and the like, all of the Forth Years entered cautiously, knowing we belonged there but feeling like we didn't. Lily and I danced, a little bit. Not enough to make anyone think we were a couple but enough to tell everyone else that we weren't interested in them. For the most part we stood off to the side and watched everyone else. We had fun poking fun at the frivolous outfits some of the other students were wearing.

Lily herself was in a simple white blouse with a delicate, dark green skirt that stopped just short of her knees. She told me that it was dressy-casual by Muggle standards. At Muggle balls, she told me, one dresses more ridiculously than some of the bizarre robes we saw that night, and she wasn't about to do that. I thought her outfit was cute, and I told her so. She wasn't the only one wearing Muggle clothing, but there weren't really that many. And she definitely got the attention of one James Potter.

'The look on the girls' faces when he chooses a boy is priceless,' Lily laughed.

'Almost as priceless as the one on the boys' faces when he chooses a girl,' I added. Sirius had been alternating through the night, never staying with one for more than a single dance, and never stopping for more than a minute to cool down. James had been spending most of the night with a Fifth Year by the name of Ellie Yilks, and Peter was dancing with Kent (good for him).

'And I thought Saint Valentine's was bad.'

'Just wait, Lily, Sirius didn't have as many followers last year. I really don't want to see him come Saint Valentine's Day,' I groaned.

'Jealous?' I cocked my head and gave her a confused look. 'Remus, are you jealous of him?'

'No.'

'But you're jealous of her,' she pointed at the girl Sirius that was currently dancing with him.

'No.'

'You like him.'

'I love him.'

'Then you are jealous.'

'No.'

She raised her eyebrows.

I sighed in defeat. I knew the redhead enough to know that she wasn't going to relent. 'I don't want that. I don't want just one dance, just one date. I want forever, Lily. I want to have him forever. I want Sirius to be mine alone. But he wants that,' I gestured to him dancing; 'he likes the attention, the coddling.' I shook my head. 'I love him, Lily, but I can't share him.'

'When he's done with this...' she began, 'if he realises your feelings?'

'I'll wait as long as it takes, Lily.'

She wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug. We stood there for a moment, 'it'll work out, Remus. If only because you deserve it too.'

No. I don't deserve it. À cause du loup.

The two of us left the dance a bit early, walking slowly back to Gryffindor Tower. We figured that we were forced to go to the Ball, so we took it upon ourselves to leave early.

'I take it that you won't send him a Saint Valentine's Day card?' I stopped then and looked down at my shoes. 'Okay, maybe not. Well, he is a boy, I, er, well a normal boy, maybe you should just tell him outright?'

'But I don't want him to know,' I reminded her. 'I can wait. And I'll wait until he's ready. If he's ever ready.'

She smiled, 'that's sweet. One day he'll notice. Hopefully when he's done being a hormonal ball of testosterone,' she shrugged, 'but I doubt that will ever happen.'

'Probably not, but that's part of his charm, only a small part, mind.'

We laughed as we let ourselves in. The common room was empty and we sat by the fire, continuing to talk, continuing to bond. Unlike with the Marauders, I could talk to her about more in-depth things. Sirius and James, especially of late, had been more and more out-of-whack. And Lily was good company. I don't actually remember treading up the stairs to my room, but I did. And the night was over and it was time to watch my roommates finish their hol-homework and time for a new term to start. It was time for life to continue.

Seventeen

In which uncertainty reigns.

I was always amazed at how easily Sirius and James did things. I mean, everyone considered me to be the smart, studious Gryffindor. And I was. I spent as much time as I could just studying. I loved supplementary texts and irrelevant texts and Muggle novels, basically whatever I could get my hands on. I absorbed everything like a sponge. But James and Sirius never studied and never paid attention in class. They copied notes and did their homework at the last minute. Yet they were still at the top of the class. It was rare that three Gryffindors were ahead of the Ravenclaws of their year. They either knew everything or were amazingly good at cheating.

'I'll be glad to get rid of Potions,' Peter whined.

'Me, too,' I smiled. 'But there's all of Fifth Year to go yet, as well as the OWLs.'

'You just have to keep reminding me,' he groaned.

'Lucky prats, I've got Potions until I die,' Sirius replied.

'Or until Seventh Year.'

'That's your own fault for wanting to be Aurors,' I reminded them.

'Gee, thanks, Moony.'

'Well, one more term until we're Fifth Years,' Sirius grinned. The comment seemed to come from nowhere and the three of us whipped our heads to him. 'Well, one of us will be a prefect.' He replied, as if it made sense. 'See, our marauding has been, well, lacking.'

'That's your fault, Sear.'

'How so?'

'Sear, you've been dating.'

'I was actually going to blame our friend Filtch.'

'The solution to whom I'm working on,' I piped. I told them about a map I had been working on, here and there. It was modified from the one that Sirius and I nicked the year before. 'It won't be ready for a while. But when it is... It'll tell us who's where when and why.' I shrugged. 'But I haven't quite gotten the Charm down... and I the map itself isn't quite complete.'

'How do you mean?'

'I don't know... it just kind of stops at places. I'll keep working at it, though.'

'Ah, the joy of extracurricular projects,' Sirius laughed. James and Peter joined in and I did, too, though weakly. They shared a glance, one that I missed the significance of and the moment was over.

Lily was right, I found. It was 14 February. Sirius was smiling wolfishly. Well, er, you know what I mean. We were in the Great Hall during our study period, mail came in. And there was a whole flock of owls flying around Sirius' head. He had a few boxes of candy open and was eating from them alternatively. He picked through the letters, notes and confessions and read aloud the poetry. He was on, as Muggles say, Cloud Nine. I sat, watching, taking the whole scene in. James and Peter, at one point, started going through his letters and helping themselves to some Every Flavour Beans.

'Moony?' Sirius poked my side, 'have some chocolate; I won't be able to eat it all.' He held to me an unopened, heart-shaped box of chocolates.

'Thanks, but no,' I shook my head, gathered my books and left the room. I felt his eyes on me as I left but I didn't think anything about it.

Ah, young love

It makes me puke.

Well, it made the wolf puke at any rate. I think it has to do with what Quin told me, about werewolves' mating behaviours. Wolves mate for life. There is no screwing around. There is courting and there is mating. Sirius wasn't courting. He was no alpha fending off all the potential mates; he was a silly pup playing with the other pups' emotions. He was a silly pup that had been all but claimed by me. He swelled up and he growled. Why did people hate werewolves when the wolf inside made everything so much more simple? Wolves were protective of their family, their pack and their mate. They were social. Wolves all knew their place. Werewolves just didn't eat humans. Something that smells that bad can't be tasty! Eck! Probably all stringy and tasteless. I had no family. And, while I loved my pack, Quin and Rian, they couldn't help me from England. And my chosen mate was playing stupid, meaningless human games.

If there was one day that I hated more than Saint Valentine's Day it was the following day, Lupercalia, 15 February. Lupercalia. The celebration of Romulus and Remus by the Romans. It was not associated with any specific god. The Romans believed, due to the story of the founders, Romulus and Remus, that Lupercalia was the day that wolves choose their mates. And they were just about spot on. Natural wolves may choose their mates on Lupercalia, and I know (though I wasn't sure then) that werewolves don't have to mate on that day, either. Nonetheless, I always feel fuzzy and well, randy, on that day. Of course, I have the extreme misfortune to see that day fall, more often than not, on a school day. One that I spent very close to Sirius. I couldn't spend the day in the infirmary, either. Although I should have been counting my blessings for that. Lupercalia was, that year, in the middle of the moon-cycle which meant that the wolf's hold over me was not particularly strong and I would probably be able to fight him. Blast it all anyway!

I was sitting on the bench by the window, my Wilde collection sitting open on my lap.

The falling dew is cold and chill,
And no bird sings in Arcady,
The little fauns have left the hill,
Even the tired daffodil
Has closed its gilded doors, and still
My lover comes not back to me.
False moon! False moon! O waning moon!
Where is my own true lover gone,
Where are the lips vermilion,
The shepherd's crook, the purple shoon?
Why spread that silver pavilion,
Why wear that veil of drifting mist?
Ah! thou hast young Endymion
Thou hast the lips that should be kissed!

'Damn you anyway.' I closed the book and leaned by head against the window pane.

'Damn who?' my book was lifted up and put aside, Sirius sat down on the bench by me, leaning against my folded legs. 'Moony,' he said, softly, and I raised my head to meet his eyes. 'Are you mad at me?' I shook my head. 'Are you sure? It's just, you left and...'

'It's just what I am.'

'A genius?' I shook my head. 'A werewolf?' he sighed, 'how does being a werewolf have anything to do with it?'

'Just never mind, Siri, I'm not mad at you.'

'Moony...' he whined.

'You can't make it better.'

'I can try?'

I shook my head, 'you don't want to,' I half-whispered.

'Still friends?' he rested his head against my knees.

'Yeah, still friends.' Always. If only it could be more.

We sat there, for a while, not saying much of anything. We didn't really need to. Words weren't always needed between close friends. James and Sirius talked all that they could, but Sirius and I never needed that. After a time I heard his breathing slow, deepen. He fell asleep. I snaked up a hand to rest it in his hair. It was as soft as I thought. I felt my tears escape, cascading down my cheek in streams.

I went through the rest of the year in a daze. And I'm not just saying that to skip time. This is a memoir and man's memory works in the strangest ways. I love Sirius. I hate Sirius. I want to see him and forgive him. I want him to be locked away forever. He is evil. He is wonderful. I miss him.

I found myself becoming quite the Quidditch fan. James was an amazing Seeker, and Sirius was one of the best Chasers in Gryffindor history. We won the Cup that year. We also won the House Cup, the professors just couldn't seem to catch us, but they managed to catch the Slytherins. And the poor Hufflepuffs! They were part of a disaster involving the Greenhouse and Wonder Grow. It cost them a tonne of points.

Peter's parents were taking him to Paris for a few weeks over the hols, and I asked him, timidly, if he wouldn't mind picking me up some French philosophy. (Quin had recommended reading some French books to keep my French fresh.) James was to spend some time with his father, learning about the Ministry - even though Harold Potter knew that James wanted to be an Auror, he felt that James ought to learn how the Ministry worked. That made perfect sense to me. That left Sirius at home with his dreadful family. I made a mental note to ask Quin and Rian if he could come visit for a week-or-so. I knew that was just asking for trouble, but I couldn't just leave him with the Blacks for that long time. I heard Peter whisper something about spending time at James', but it wasn't directed to me. Were the three of them meeting without me? Forlorn, I pushed the though aside.

And so came the train, the infamous Hogwarts Express. We were quiet on the trip. None of us ever thought about it as 'going home'. After his culture shock, Peter admitted that he liked the wizarding world well enough, and he didn't get along well with any of the other kids in his neighbourhood anyway (that and his parents were absorbed in their work, I think they were solicitors). Sirius preferred Hogwarts for obvious reasons. James and I were the only ones with real homes to return to. But James had to amuse himself, as his father was big in the Ministry. And so the train was a melancholy trip for us.

Quin was there when we got off the train, and we went home. Rian made dinner. It was then that I broached the subject of Sirius coming over to visit.

Rian shared a cautious glance with Quin, 'I don't think that would be a problem... at least not for us.'

'But what will you do?'

'Keep him away from the Blacks?'

'No,' Quin clarified, 'I meant, how are you going to take it? Or, more specifically, the wolf?'

I shrugged. 'That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.'

'Nietzsche?' Quin raised an eyebrow. 'But, to quote Voltaire, "a witty saying proves nothing".'

'Maybe you should lay off the philosophy for a while?'

'I've actually been reading up on some histories, Rian.'

'Funny, Remus, real funny.'

'If you can persuade the Blacks to let him come over, he can stay for a week or two. Not during the moon, though. I don't care how he acts during school; I don't want to deal with the wolf and his chosen.'

I nodded happily and wrote Sirius a letter after dinner. The letter I sent via James, since James' owl didn't get stopped, the Blacks really had no desire to start a feud with the Potters.

Moony,

Blimey! Did you have to write that letter like it'd be sheer torture for me to come and visit you? Of course I will! I mean... I have to win over mum and dad, but that shouldn't be too hard. They're convinced your guardian is a blood-sucking vampyre. I said the name 'Quinton Holloway' and they wilted on the spot. Of course, they hope that he'll drain me out, me being the horrible influence to the Black name and all. How do the first two weeks of August sound? That should be right after the moon. I... thank you, Moony, you really are the best mate a bloke could ask for, you know that, right? Well, not that I've been the best friend of late. I blame puberty.

In your debt always,

Sirius

I relayed the contents of the letter to my guardians with mixed feelings.

'A "blood-sucking vampyre" am I?' Quin grinned, 'I think that's a step up from what they used to call me. Of course, my reputation precedes me,' he added in a semblance of woe, 'they still haven't forgiven me for disgracing the French, pure-blooded Lupins. How dare I?'

I smiled, overflowing with happiness. Quin, Rian and I made arrangements from the over-stuffed chair. I had grown a little since the previous summer, but not enough to make it uncomfortable for us. It was cosy. Cosy and reassuring.

'Maybe inviting him wasn't such a good idea,' I considered when we were almost finished.

Rian shook his head, 'it will be as good for you as it will be for him, lad. And you never know what may come of it all.'

'Besides, the only thing that's certain in life, Remus, is uncertainty,' Quin paused, 'and even that's not always certain.'

Unable to think of anything to say, I just cuddled into their collective arms and fell asleep, pretending that the inviting warmth was Sirius'.