Lord Thingy And The Ring

Frodo and Sam were running for their lives, the Black Riders in close pursuit. The Riders could sense the presence of the Ring, and were gaining on the hobbits. Gasping, Sam paused.

"Mr. Frodo," said Sam, panting, "I think it is time to use the hourglass that the Lady Galadriel gave me. She had said that when there was no hope, it would help us escape."

"You are right, Sam," said Frodo. "Time is of the essence. Let us use it while we can."

Sam hurriedly took out the hourglass attached to a silver chain, put it around both of their necks, and gave the hourglass a mighty twirl. Frodo just caught a glimpse of the hourglass, which was engraved with the words 'Galadriel Time-Turners Ltd.,' before their surroundings dissolved, and he had the sensation that he was flying forwards very fast. A blur of colours and shapes rushed past him. As abruptly as it had started, the flying sensation ceased, and everything came into focus again. Frodo and Sam found themselves on solid ground once more.

"What is this place, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam, looking around them. Everything looked different. They seemed to be in some kind of village. A sign above a shop doorway indicated that it was Zonko's Joke Shop. Another shop had Dervish and Banges painted artistically on its window. Boys and girls in black robes roamed everywhere.

"I'm blessed if I know, Sam," said Frodo, looking around, confused. "We must find out. Let us walk around and see if we can find anything to help us understand where we are. We must try to blend in. And do not mention the Ring to anyone."

"Yes, sir," said Sam, as they walked towards a tiny inn, which had the sign The Three Broomsticks atop it.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" a cold voice drawled. "Aren't you two a little young to be out by yourselves?"

Draco Malfoy had stopped in front of the hobbits. Behind him, Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering loudly.

"We are not so young, sir," Frodo said to Draco. "I myself am fifty-two years of age. We are hobbits from the Shire. Are you Men?"

Draco looked suspiciously at Frodo and Sam. They looked like young boys, though they were strangely dressed. They were obviously up to something.

"Yes, I suppose you could say we're young men. Not little boys like you. Hobbits? What the hell are hobbits, and where the hell is the Shire?" Draco asked Frodo.

"It is not Hell," said Sam indignantly. "The Shire is a beautiful place with fields and trees. We are simple folk, but we are happy there."

"Simple folk, huh?" said Draco. "What's this?" he asked, fingering the chain with the Ring on Frodo's neck.

Frodo stepped back hurriedly. "It's just a ring," he said. "Would you be so kind as to tell us what this place is, sir?"

Draco smirked. He decided to have a little fun with the kids. "Lost, are we? How about I have another look at your ring?"

He tried to snatch the ring and the chain away from Frodo's neck, but Sam jumped up and pushed his hand away.

"You cannot have the One Ring," he shouted, before Frodo could stop him. Crabbe and Goyle promptly stepped up and threw Sam away, kicking and fighting.

"Stop that right now," said a furious voice. Hermione had walked into The Three Broomsticks with Ron and Harry. "Leave them alone, Malfoy! They're just kids."

Draco smirked and backed off. "We'll meet again, hobbits," he said to Frodo. "And you had better watch out too, Weasel, Mudblood and Potter!

Hermione hurried over to Sam. "Are you okay?" she asked, helping him up. "And why did Malfoy call you hobbits? Aren't hobbits people of the past who lived in the Shire? I remember reading about them in The Shire, a History."

"We are indeed the same hobbits, my Lady," said Sam, accepting Hermione's hand and getting up. "But why do you say 'of the past'?"

"You're really hobbits? Where did you come from? I can't believe there are actually hobbits in Hogsmeade in 1995," Hermione gushed.

"1995!" shouted Frodo and Sam together. "What dark magic is this?" continued Sam.

Hermione suddenly leaned over and looked at the hourglass on the chain around Sam's neck. "But that's a...that's a Time-Turner," she exclaimed. "How did you get it? Have you travelled from the past?"

"It does seem that way, fair Lady," said Sam, blushing as Hermione's fingers brushed against his neck. Ron immediately shot him a jealous glare.

"Wow - that's amazing!" said Hermione. "Why don't you let us buy you a couple of Butterbeers and let's talk for a while."

Sam looked questioningly at Frodo, who nodded. They followed the trio and sat at a table nearby.

Ron and Harry went to get the Butterbeers and returned with five frothing mugs. Hermione was busy asking the hobbits questions. Frodo only gave her short cryptic answers.

"I'm Hermione, by the way," she told them, "and this is Ron, and Harry. What are your names?"

Sam immediately piped up, "I'm Sam Gamgee, Lady Hermione, and this here is Frodo Baggins. We are trying to get to the Cracks of Doom in the Fire-Mountain to destroy the One Ring."

"Sam!" Frodo chided. "This information is not to be shared lightly, as I have told you before."

Sam immediately looked guilty. "I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo. It just spilled out."

Meanwhile Hermione's eyes had widened. "You have the Ring of Sauron, the One Ring? I've read all about it in The Life and Times of Sauron. How did you get to Hogsmeade? Did the Time-Turner get you here?"

"Well, the Nazgul were pursuing us, Lady Hermione," Sam began, "and we used the hourglass that the fair Lady Galadriel had given us, and here we are. We have to get back, though. We need to destroy the Ring before Sauron finds us. He will surely kill us if he does find us."

Harry sighed. "Welcome to the club!" he said, dramatically. "It's kind of reassuring, in a twisted way, to hear that there are other Dark Lords waiting to kill other young boys out there. I always think 'Why me?' Do you do that a lot too? Do you question why you have to be the one to destroy the Ring? Is there a prophecy about it? I hate prophecies. I hate Dark Lords!"

"I do, all the time," replied Frodo. "I question why it should be my task to bear, when I am so unworthy. I hate Dark Lords too - they are very wicked. Of course, I have only known one Dark Lord in my lifetime, so that may make my experience rather limited."

"Dark Lords are indeed evil. They send vile beasts to hunt you down - Orcs and giant spiders and worse," said Sam, nodding meaningfully.

"Urgh! Spiders?" asked Ron, shivering. "And worse?"

They all sipped their Butterbeers in silence. After waiting politely for a few minutes, Hermione could not contain herself any longer.

"This is so exciting," said Hermione. "We'll help you, of course. Why don't you come back with us to our school for now, and we can talk more."

"Thank you, Lady Hermione," said Sam. "This is comfortable, and reminds me of the Shire. Do you have any leaf that we can smoke?"

Ron and Harry promptly looked very guilty. "Why would you ask us that?" blurted Ron. "We don't smoke...umm...leaf or anything." He looked at Harry nervously. Harry patted his robe pocket, checking for something, and smiled conspiringly at Ron. Hermione's eyes narrowed.

"Oh. Never mind," said Sam, looking disappointed.

They continued talking as Draco and his cohorts looked on from another table. Harry and Draco had a staring match from across the room, and both of them looked away at the same time, their eyes brimming with tears from staying open that long.

"I never win!" grumbled Harry.

"What are you talking about, Harry?" Ron exclaimed. "You always beat the ferret. Do you want me to go over and smash his face? Charlie showed me some new spells that he uses to stun dragons."

"No, it's fine, I'll just embarrass him by defeating him thoroughly at Quidditch," said Harry, and Ron was appeased.

Back at Hogwarts, Hermione had led the little group to the library, and they began exchanging information with each other. Frodo picked up a couple of books and tried to read through them, but couldn't get past the first few pages because Hermione kept interrupting him with questions - "Have you seen Sauron? Do you know Gandalf? Tell me about Lady Galadriel."

They finally followed Harry and Ron to the boys' dorms, and Frodo seemed relieved when Hermione left them to go to her own dorm. Ron slept in Harry's bed, and Sam and Frodo squeezed into Ron's bed. Sam was the only one who looked pleased with this arrangement.

~~~~~~~

The next morning, the five met near the lake, and were talking again. Suddenly there was a flash, and Legolas appeared near them.

"Legolas!" cried out Frodo. "How and why have you come here?"

Legolas looked relieved to see them. "I used this hourglass given to me by the Lady Galadriel," he said, smiling. "I came here to find you and help you. Where are we?"

Frodo and Sam quickly brought Legolas up to speed, while Hermione kept sneaking looks at Legolas, at his long, blond hair falling softly around his face. The three students were surprised to find out that Legolas was an elf.

"Aren't elves tiny, and don't they do menial work?" asked Ron, looking confused.

"You're thinking of house-elves," Hermione corrected him. "Elves of old are among the magical people of their time. They were very highly respected. And hot!" she continued, smiling flirtatiously at Legolas. Ron promptly shot him a jealous look.

Hermione looked at Legolas as an idea suddenly struck her. "In fact, Legolas," she said, digging out an S.P.E.W. badge and handing it over to him, "you might want to get involved with the S.P.E.W. movement. House-elves today are exploited a lot. I have been trying to free some of them, but they do not want to be free."

"Elves work for Men?" asked Legolas, shocked. "They are not free? The future is bleak indeed."

This got Hermione started on a long tirade against house-elf exploitation, and Ron and Harry started tuning her out.

~~~~~~~~

That night, a number of people wearing cloaks with black hoods met at a desolate graveyard. Draco had accompanied his father, wearing a little hooded cloak.

"Be respectful in front of the Dark Lord, Son," Lucius reminded Draco.

Voldemort appeared in a flash of light, and the meeting began. There were animated discussions of Muggle torture, killings, and other dark deeds. In the midst of the commotion, there was a huge blaze, and Sauron stepped out of it.

"Who are you and how did you get here?" Voldie asked him, looking none too happy about the latest arrival.

"I am the Dark Lord," said Sauron, majestically. "I used a Time-Turner to get here, of course. I have come many years into the future, looking for the Ring."

"What do you mean, you're the Dark Lord?" asked Voldie, angrily. "I am the Dark Lord. There can be only one Dark Lord."

"You speak the truth, mortal, there can be only one Dark Lord, and that is me," replied Sauron.

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

Voldie lifted his wand. "Avada -" he began, before Sauron raised his hand, and Voldie went flying.

"All right, all right, so you're a Dark Lord too," Voldie acknowledged, as a few Death Eaters rushed to pick him up. "And you can do wandless magic, big deal," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"What is your name, mortal?" Sauron asked Voldie.

"I am He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Voldie declared.

"Come again?"

"I'm You-Know-Who," Voldie tried again.

"Who?"

"That's my name. 'You-Know-Who' is what people call me."

"Why?"

"You know the whole 'fear of a name increases fear' theory," said Voldie, gesturing with his hands.

"Ah, I never thought of that. Seems like a good idea. Something like Prince becoming that symbol, I suppose?"

Voldie just looked confused.

"So what is your actual name?" asked Sauron.

Voldie gave up. "It's Lord Voldemort, and if you really must know, the name I was born with is Tom Riddle."

"Tom Riddle," said Sauron. "Was your mother Bethelda Pukeface?"

"Yes," said Voldie, giving Sauron a suspicious look. "Did you know her?"

"Tom, I am your father," Sauron replied, rather dramatically. "I see you've inherited my red eyes and snake-like face," he added proudly.

"What?" asked Voldie, shocked. "I thought you said you had come from the Past?"

"Yes," explained Sauron, a smile on his face. "In my younger days, I was rather adventurous. I frequently visited both Future and Past, using the Time-Turner. I sowed my dark seed in various places."

He suddenly got a nostalgic look on his face, and began singing.

"When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way..."

He stopped singing abruptly. "Except for the time turner, of course. I needed its help a lot," he said. The Death Eaters just raised their eyebrows and looked at each other, but since they were all hooded, nobody really noticed the eyebrow-raising.

"You're really my father?" asked Voldie, suspiciously.

"Yes, my son. Join me, and we will rule the world together. Once I recover the Ring, the Dark Power shall rule," said Sauron.

"Hmmm...I have to say, I like the sound of Dark Power and ruling the world and all that," acknowledged Voldie. "Er...Father? Where is this Ring you speak of?"

"It is with two hobbits, my son," replied Sauron. "They seek to destroy it. We must find it before they do so."

Suddenly Draco, who had been taking all this in with great interest, shouted, "Hobbits? I saw them at Hogsmeade yesterday."

Sauron shot him a quick look. "Who are you, mortal?"

"I'm Draco Malfoy, er...Father of the Dark Lord," he said respectfully.

"Malfoy? Are you the son of Narcissa Black?" Sauron asked Draco.

"Er...yes," said Draco, wondering about the significance of this.

"Why, I am your father as well," Sauron announced. "In fact, you are the one that was conceived on my first trip to the future. Which, I guess, makes you my heir. Ah, Narcissa! She was lovely."

Lucius pulled off his hood and yelled, "Don't talk about my wife that way, you bas-"

"Avada Kedavra," said Voldie, with a bored look on his face, and Lucius fell to the ground.

Draco looked shocked, but Sauron seemed pleased. "Nice work, my son," he said to Voldie. "You are fit to be at my side when I rule the world. Along with my heir, of course."

"Now come here, my son and heir," he said to Draco. "Join me and my other son in ruling the world."

Draco was still a bit put out by the whole killing his father deal, but went over to Sauron anyway. He kind of liked the ruling the world idea.

"Now," Sauron continued, "Tell me all about the hobbits."

~~~~~~~

The next day, after consulting various maps and books, Frodo and Sam had finally found a place that would have been near the Cracks of Doom in the Past. They decided that they would go there, and then turn the Time-Turner back. That way, when they got back to the Past, they would be close enough to destroy the Ring. They, along with Legolas and the Trio, set off for that location, which happened to be near Malfoy Manor.

As they reached the exact spot, Frodo, Sam and Legolas began to say their goodbyes to their new friends, when suddenly a mob of Death Eaters Apparated near them. Voldie and Sauron appeared as well.

"Well, well, well, Harry Potter, I should have known you would be involved in this," said Voldie to Harry, with an evil grin.

"Come, my sons, let us take the Ring and rule the world," Sauron said, beckoning to Voldie and Draco.

Harry and his friends looked at Draco in shock.

"Sauron is your father?" Harry asked Draco, incredulously.

"Yeah," smirked Draco. "You really are dead now, Potter. He's even more powerful than my half-brother here," he said, pointing at Voldie. Voldie gave him a glare.

Harry looked somewhat impressed at this. "You know, all those times, I called you the spawn of evil, Malfoy? I didn't know just how right I was. From what Hermione's told me, Sauron's definitely more evil than your...you know...than your other father."

Draco continued smirking. "You got that right, Potter. I'm also his heir, by the way. Take that, Heir of Gryffindor!" Draco made a rude gesture at Harry, who scowled.

"You've been reading too much fan fiction, Malfoy. Or maybe someone else has," said Hermione, shooting a stern look at the author, through the screen. "After a while, the lines dividing canon and fanon seem to blur. I've read about this in A Beginner's Guide to Writing Fan Fiction."

Everyone but the author looked confused at this comment at first, then shrugged and continued what they were doing.

"Enough of this small talk. Give me the Ring," Sauron shouted at Frodo.

Frodo was suddenly pulled forward by the Ring's power.

Voldie shouted, "Accio Ring!" and the Ring flew from Frodo's fingers into Voldie's hands.

Sauron looked pleased. "Very well done, son. Now give me the Ring, and we can start taking over the world," he said to Voldie.

Voldie looked at the Ring with greedy eyes. "I'm sorry, Daddy-O, I've decided to keep this little trinket, after all."

He pointed his wand at Sauron. "Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, at the same time as Sauron raised his hand towards him. Green light flashed out in both directions, and they both lay dead on the ground.

"Hmm, that was easy," said Ron. "These super villain types are so predictable, aren't they?"

In the meantime, Draco had run over and snatched the Ring from Voldie's cold, lifeless hands.

"Oh no, you don't!" shouted Harry, noticing Draco picking up the Ring.

Harry and Draco pulled out their wands and began duelling. In a few minutes, they had rid each other of their wands, and were wrestling on the ground. Ron and Hermione were cheering for Harry, and he shot them annoyed looks every now and then. The Death Eaters just looked around at each other, wondering whom they would blindly follow now that Voldie was dead. Eventually, most of them just Disapparated sadly.

After a while, bloody and bruised, Harry and Draco stopped fighting.

"Okay, okay, I give up. Those two hobbit people can have the Ring," Draco said, dejectedly.

They helped each other up, and dusted off their clothes. Hermione was very impressed, and ran over and hugged Draco.

"I'm so glad you made the right decision, Draco," said Hermione. Ron shot Draco a jealous look.

Introductions followed, and Draco stared for a while at Legolas' hair blowing in the wind.

"What do you use on your hair? It looks gorgeous," Draco said to Legolas, running his hands through Legolas' long golden strands. "I wish I could get my hair to do this. What shade do you use to dye it? It's slightly darker than mine is. I use the Platinum Sheen shade myself." This prompted a long discussion on hair care between the two blonds.

Harry looked at them and shot a jealous look at Legolas.

A short while later, Frodo, Sam, and Legolas were ready to return to their own time, with the Ring.

"Goodbye, Hobbits and Legolas," Hermione said, hugging all three of them. Ron shot all of them jealous looks. Draco was smirking again.

Frodo put the chain around himself, Sam, and Legolas, and gave the hourglass a twirl. In a flash, they disappeared.

"Well, that's that!" said Ron. Let's get back to school, shall we? I'm hungry."

** The End **