Best in Show

"Remus, I have a brilliant idea!" Sirius exclaimed, jumping up from the kitchen table.

Oh lord, another one? Remus thought. "Oh lord, another one?" he asked aloud, rolling his eyes. "What now, Padfoot? I'm not James, you know. You can't expect me to keep pulling crazy stunts all the time." He poured himself another cup of coffee from the kettle.

Sirius walked over to him. He was holding a copy of The Times and grinning like an idiot. "You haven't heard the idea yet, silly."

"Well, I know, but..." Remus glanced down at the paper. "Where the hell did you get a copy of a muggle newspaper?"

Sirius shrugged. "At work. Doesn't matter. What matters is this," he said, thrusting the newspaper towards Remus, his finger on a news brief. "Read it."

Remus sighed. "Fine. Whatever. Jeez, you're so weird." He took the paper.

The annual London UKC Championship Show will be held from July 1 through July 3 at the Swathmore Exhibition Centre. Many purebreed dogs of all groups will be represented, with prizes for each breed and class and a Best in Show winner. Exhibitors will also be on hand to showcase. Admission is £10 for adults and £5 for children under 12. Children under the age of 5 will be admitted for free.

Remus spat out his coffee and looked at Sirius, who was dancing from one foot to the other, giggling. "You aren't planning to... Sirius, no. You can't do that. Don't be an ass." He wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"Oh come on! It will be fun!"

"Sirius, you're not..." He stopped.

"What? I'm not good enough? I'm not a real dog? What?"

Remus sighed. "Well for one thing, you don't have papers!"

Sirius grinned again. "Actually, yes I do."

Remus's mouth dropped open. "But how? How the hell can you have papers, Sirius?"

Sirius avoided his lover's gaze. "Don't ask so many questions."

"Don't tell me you've falsified documentation. Please don't tell me that." He stopped. "Wait a second. This was only just published. How did you get them so fast? You haven't left my sight in the last few minutes."

"I already had them," Sirius said, waving his hand dismissively.

"I don't want to know," said Remus.

Sirius hurried off into another room and returned with a Kennel Club registration certificate.

Remus looked it over. "You're a Newfoundland? And 'Hogwarts Best Hope'?" he asked. "What the hell does that mean?"

Sirius shrugged. "They give purebred dogs these bizarre names, don't ask me. I have to fit in, don't I?"

***

The next day, the two men submitted their registration form. They then spent the next several hours training, a task that was made easier by Sirius's sentience but harder by his obstinance.

"Damnit, heel!" cried Remus. "I don't want to do this, you know. Every fiber in my being is telling me to stop, that this is wrong. I honestly don't know why I'm helping you. But if you won't fucking heel like a good dog, then I'm going to quit."

Sirius barked.

"Would you shut up? We're not allowed to have dogs in this building!" Remus hissed.

Sirius transformed into his human self. "Sorry," he said. "It's hard to walk behind you like that, despite the nice view I get of your ass. It's hard to be ordered around and have to do tricks."

"This was your fucking idea. If you don't want to do this, then let's stop."

Sirius smiled. "Nope. I'll swallow my pride. Nothing will make me happier than competing against all those real dogs and winning that prize money." He laughed. "Oh lord, this is going to be so funny!"

Remus sat down on the sofa, tired. "It's so wrong," he said.

"Oh come on, surely you can see the humor in this? Come on, have a little fun. It's not going to kill you."

Remus smiled. "Well, I admit it's kind of an amusing idea. And I like telling you what to do, although it would be more fun if you obeyed."

Sirius flung himself onto the sofa next to Remus and snuggled up to him. "Ooooh, submission! I never thought of it that way. Maybe because I'm not tied up and naked."

His friend chuckled. "Maybe doggie treats aren't the way to get you to perform at your best. Maybe we should play to your strengths here. Maybe your doggie treat should be something quite different indeed."

"You?" Sirius asked, hopeful.

"Me," said Remus, smirking. "If you don't do what I say, there will be no shag tonight."

Sirius frowned; he understood the gravity of the situation. "Good lord... no sex. OK, I'll be good." He kissed Remus on the cheek. "Let's get back to it, then."

He morphed back into his Padfoot form and sat on the floor in front of his master, patiently awaiting instructions.

***

The grooming was the hardest part for Sirius--having to stand on a metal table while some strange woman lathered him up with foul-smelling dog shampoos and clipped his fur with sharp little scissors, chatting with his "owner" about him and calling him a "good dog" frequently.

Oh, shut up, you silly bitch, and finish already, Sirius thought.

When the process was complete, Sirius's fur was trimmed and shiny, his nails trimmed, his teeth gleaming white.

"You did well," said Remus as they walked to the muggle train station, Sirius on a leash. "Of course, you know you're going to need some more of that. People at these shows go through extraordinary measures to beautify their dogs. The day of the show is a frenzy of brushing and combing and hair products."

Sirius rolled his dog eyes.

"I know. But need I remind you that all this was your idea?"

Padfoot's attention was temporarily distracted, however, by a young English terrier bitch passing by on her way to the grooming shop with her owner. The girl dog glanced at him and sniffed the air, then began to tug at her leash in an effort to reach him.

"Merlin's beard, she's in love with you!" Remus said. He burst into hysterical laughter, laughter that lasted for several minutes and left him so weakened he was forced to sit on a nearby bench to collect himself again. Sirius sat at his feet, pouting. "Oh, if only she knew! You're not only a human dog, you're a gay dog!" He laughed again, tears streaming down his face. "You'd have these horrible little mutt animagus puppies!" Sirius swatted Remus's legs with his paw and turned away.

***

The day of the dog show came much too quickly for both men. They traveled by cab with a large cage and a womanly amount of grooming products.

"Too bad you don't have any prior wins on record. That's going to make us look like complete fools around the other breeders, you know. These people have dedicated their lives to breeding and winning."

"To hell with them," said Sirius.

"You two going to the dog show, huh? Where's your dog?" asked the cab driver, raising an eyebrow.

"Um, my wife's taking him in her car," said Remus.

The cab driver just grunted in response, having already seen the two men kiss each other lovingly before getting into his cab. Weirdos, he thought.

The show was not supposed to begin for a few hours, but already most of the exhibitors and breeders had arrived to set up. Both men checked into their hotel nearby, where Sirius transformed, and hurried over to the exhibition center. Remus got their ID badges from the front desk, and they made their way back to their appointed spot among the other breeders in the working dogs group.

Remus spent a long time working over Sirius's fur and paws and decorating the cage with bows, trying to avoid the judgmental gaze of the other breeders and the sight of their many winning ribbons. "Don't let it faze you, Remus," he said to himself. "It's only this show that counts." He motioned to Sirius to get in the cage when he had finished. Sirius reluctantly obliged.

A short while later, visitors began to file into the exhibition center, heading straight for the cages. "That's a fine dog you've got there," said one man, looking Padfoot over. "He looks so intelligent."

"Oh, he is. You'd be surprised at what he can do," Remus replied with a smirk.

As time went by, Sirius looked more and more miserable, resenting the way people spoke about him.

"Oh, cheer up. Remember, you'd better look a lot happier when it's time for judging. If you screw this up, I just know I'll be hearing you whine for months, and somehow you'll find a way to blame me," said Remus. "Just remember, I objected to this from the beginning. This was your crazy idea."

Sirius sat up and panted.

"Oh, I wish you could talk," said Remus.

"Ah, but they do, in their own little way, don't they?" said a passing woman, winking. "Look, I think he's saying he loves you!" Sirius was reaching a paw towards Remus.

Remus smiled. "I'm sure he is. At least, he'd better love me, after all I do for him."

"That's the spirit," the woman replied. "Dogs always love their masters. They're so loyal. I wish people were more like dogs."

"Some of them are," said Remus, stroking Sirius's paw. The woman smiled and walked away.

***

Remus jumped when the breed judging was announced. Already? Oh god. Sirius was panting happily in his cage.

One by one, each Newfoundland was brought out to be examined by the judges. When Padfoot's turn came, he slipped out of his cage and heeled behind his master as they approached the table.

"Ah, a fine specimen," said a judge, peering at Sirius through her glasses. "Lovely coat. And so intelligent!" She looked him over, commenting on his build, his form, the gleam in his eyes. "He's never won an award before?" she asked, as she made her final notes.

"Nope," said Remus. "We've never even competed."

"Really?" the woman exclaimed. "A dog like that? With that kind of pedigree?"

Remus shrugged. "Um... Well, I'm not a breeder. I don't show dogs normally. I paid good money for him because I love the breed, you know, but he works. He's a good pet. Then someone suggested it wouldn't hurt to at least try and show him a little, and..." He faltered. I sound like an idiot.

"Well, I'm glad you brought him," said the judge. Sirius jumped down from the table, and the two of them returned to their place to await the working dog showing.

Padfoot paced inside his giant cage, anxious to get the show over with and return to human form, anxious to finally say aloud all the things he had been thinking. Remus sat on a folding chair and tried his best to ignore him.

"I can't believe you're a purebred dog," he muttered. "How pureblooded can you get? Good lord."

Some time later, the call came for the working dogs to be shown on the main floor. Remus's stomach flipped. They had practiced their run dozens of times, but he was still not sure that they were ready, that they were good enough. Sirius nuzzled his hand with his wet nose comfortingly.

Remus opened the cage door, and they headed towards the floor.

The bright lights shocked Remus's senses. They were standing on astroturf, and thousands of people were gathered in the stands to watch, some with binoculars. A huge video screen was showing the people and their dogs lined up below, Remus and Padfoot included, and Remus felt his hands growing clammy. Oh, I don't like this at all, he thought.

One of the judges launched into a short speech about working dogs and their history serving mankind. Remus gulped. He was clutching Sirius's leash so tightly it was cutting off his circulation. Padfoot, meanwhile, seemed to be enjoying the spectacle, far more comfortable with performing than his old lover.

All to soon, the time had come: the two of them broke into a run behind the others, Remus's suit jacket flouncing around him in an undignified manner, the dog's head and tail held high and proud. They ran the short circuit and returned to where they had been standing to await the other owners and their dogs.

"Whew, well, that wasn't too bad," whispered Remus, straightening himself out.

Once all the owners and their dogs were back into position in a neat line, a team of judges descended upon them; these people were experts and wasted no time. One by one, they passed Remus and Sirius, running their cold hands along the dog's body, making comments, looking in his mouth. So this is what it's like to be molested, Padfoot thought.

It seemed to over before it had begun. The judges consulted for several minutes, and the MC turned to face the crowd. "The judges have selected the top three dogs of each breed. They will now give the ribbons," he said simply.

Oh please oh please oh please oh please, Remus thought as the judges began to move among the dogs, inching closer and closer.

Oh please oh please oh please oh please, Padfoot thought.

A fussy-looking old woman with her gray hair piled up in a severe bun was giving out the third and second place ribbons to proud owners. Remus and Sirius watched her and then turned to watch the owners pat their dogs on the head, also noticing the disgruntled stares the winners received from those around them who would be going home without a prize.

"And first place goes to Hogwarts Best Hope," said the woman.

Remus's head jerked up. The woman was standing in front of them, beaming, holding out a large blue ribbon, which she proceeded to attach to Padfoot's collar. She shook hands with Remus and patted his dog affectionally. "You have a beautiful Newfoundland there, sir. I'm glad you brought him."

Remus nodded, not blinking, still in shock. We... won? He glanced down at Sirius, who seemed just as surprised as he did. Padfoot was trying to look at his ribbon, straining his head, but found that it was placed too closely under his chin for him to see.

"We won?" Remus said aloud. "Best in breed?" Sirius licked his hand.

When they had spoken of the contest at home, Sirius had found it hilarious, and even Remus had thought it would be comical if they were to win or even place. He had suspected that they would be turned away, that someone would have discovered that his lover's papers were faked. Now they stood here with a blue ribbon. Remus mind whirled.

***

Remus and Sirius spent the night in their hotel room to await the events of the final day. Sirius was stretched out on the bed, glad to be human again, and drinking an inordinate amount of scotch in celebration.

"We won," Remus said again.

"Yes, sweetie, I know. You don't have to keep repeating it," Sirius replied, kissing his cheek. "But it's absolutely unbelievable, isn't it? A human in dog form, with fake papers, winning best in breed!" He chuckled and took another long drink of scotch. "That stupid woman, pinning that ribbon on and saying 'Good dog.' Oh, I wanted to transform right then and there just to see her face!"

Remus laughed. "The shock would have killed her. Lord knows, I almost had a heart attack when she said you won."

"So I was a good dog, then?" Sirius asked, snuggling up to Remus.

"Oh, a very good dog," Remus replied. "You know, I expected to be amused if you won, or maybe horrified, but when it happened, I was just... proud." He smiled. "I think your win should be rewarded."

"Oooh! I like the sound of that," Sirius said.

"Come here, you," Remus replied, leaping on top of him.

***

The next day, the two men awakened groggily and realized that they had very little time to get to the show before it began. "Hurry, hurry," said Remus. "Don't shower, you silly fool. I'll fix you up once we're there!"

They raced out of their hotel and to the exhibition center a short walk away. The toy group was being judged that day, so Remus and Sirius did not have much to do in the show itself, but Padfoot's win of the previous day meant that they could not get even five minutes alone.

Breeders and members of the general public flocked around them, some of them wanting to know, to both men's horror, whether Sirius was available for stud.

Remus attempted to deflect people as politely and quickly as possible. The photographers, however, were another story; Padfoot felt distinct pleasure at having his photo taken and planned to send copies to all of their friends.

"So boy," said Remus, grinning, after the crowd had thinned some, "Would you like to be put up for stud?" Sirius just sulked in the corner of his cage. "Too bad you prefer boy dogs to girl dogs." Remus laughed. "My dog is gay. Oh, that's too cute."

Remus spent the next several hours perusing the vendors and exhibitioners' displays and purchased numerous toys and leashes and doggie beds for his lover--much to his lover's horror. "Only the best for my little champion," Remus cooed, opening the cage to give Padfoot a chew toy.

But their relaxed amusement was short-lived. All of the ribbon-winning dogs and their owners were called back out onto the floor just then for the awarding of Best in Show. Remus and Sirius walked back onto the floor and took their place in line with the others.

"We've seen many fine dogs here during the show," said the MC. "And it has made our decision that much harder, but we were finally able to narrow it down to one winner, a dog that we feel stands out above all the rest, a dog that seems to have almost human intelligence." Remus's heart and stomach switched places; he thought he might faint. "Our Best in Show winner for this year is none other than Hogwarts Best Hope!"

The spectators burst into applause as the judges carried a large trophy cup over to Remus and shook his hand.

The MC spoke again over the noise of the crowd. "If you can believe it, this dog has never been shown before! He's a working dog and a family pet! It's the first time in our history for such a thing to happen!" The crowd cheered even louder.

Remus gave Padfoot a big hug. "Good boy," he said, chuckling. Then he whispered, "I think my champion will finally have that chance to be put up for stud after all. Tonight. In my bed."