The Red Light District

Draco Malfoy woke up and wished he hadn't. The morning sun broke into the room and its redness offended his every sensibility. Green and silver or plain black were Draco. Not this bloody scarlet nonsense - which reinforced his painful situation. He was tied to the bed none too gently and was suffering from an excruciating case of morning arousal. The bed was covered in rumpled, torn, filthy red satin sheets. It looked like a rugby team had had their way with Mr. Malfoy and then left him tied spread eagle to the posts. Which is pretty much what had happened. Except eleven angry women who do not play rugby had been the culprits.

Even if Draco could have done something about his stiff little (okay, not that little) friend he wouldn't have dared.

He looked at it and said consolingly, "Well, duckie at least you're not broken."

He had been so sure that when the throng of angry women had finally finished with him and let him pass out he'd never want to touch another girl again. He'd never have sex again. This thought amused him this morning. Draco Malfoy never have sex again. Too flipping funny. Of course I don't need women to have sex.

He tried to piece the events of last evening together but all thought was impeded by the three throbbing parts into which his head had split. The evil hangover men in pointy steel shoes were kicking his frontal lobe, and some unkind soul had taken a buzz saw and cut the top of his head off so that it felt swollen and squeezed, while fire-loving chameleons had built a bonfire behind his eyes and were scampering about with glee.

We weren't just drinking Mai Tai's last night that is for damn sure. What did she give me?

Last night he'd planned to go to the Naiad to pick up a little action, a new and exotic plaything to toy with and then toss aside as he'd done with many other girls and one or two very pretty boys. The Naiad was a club hidden in Wizarding London. Wizards of a certain tax bracket and loose morals went there to ogle, fondle, and have their way with scantily clad nymphs in clinging sheer silver robes. The main bar was a series of pools filled with clear warm water and a small stream crossed through the center of the room separating the bar from the private rooms. The whole outfit was rumored to be somewhere in Switzerland. The trees and enchanted ceiling gave the illusion that the club was outside - a pastoral dream of bushes and streams and trees.

It was run by a fat old Satyr called Silenus. Draco was required to pay an outrageous sum to belong to the club and then was given a special Portkey that transported him to the Naiad's own unique location in both time and place. The added benefit, especially for married members, being that they could have their liaisons and never arouse the slightest suspicions in their wives or partners because they never appeared to have time unaccounted for. Time at the Naiad passed according to its own rules and one could spend hours there and only be gone two seconds in real time.

To Draco this had been the cherry on top - it meant he had twice as much time to screw around. He was twenty-five, wealthy, and free. His father encouraged him and his mother took Halcyon Daze^wtm which rendered her docile and happy in her little world of shimmering bubbles and pretty butterflies. She was whacked out of her gourd after years of taking the potion. (Snape made a killing on it - he'd invented it and kept the potion recipe a secret. He'd left the Red Light District to live in a cave in a remote corner of Finland.) And Narcissa...remember we were talking about her...had very little grip on reality left.

Draco had stopped at Malfoy Manor to see her yesterday before embarking on his sinful evening and that is when everything went wrong. Narcissa was reclining on a mountain of pillows and blowing up the nostrils of her fat white Persian cat. Her eyes were glassy and her giggle high pitched. Draco knew at once that she was high as a kite. She saw him and jumped up knocking the cat to the floor. It landed on its back and just lay there legs in the air and Draco realized the cat was as stoned as his mother. He wondered whether her breath alone had intoxicated the cat or if she had been slipping the potion into the cat's saucer of milk. She embraced him and in place of a maternal kiss she slipped him the tongue. Draco was torn - evil sick bastard (that we all love right down to his duckie socks) between curiosity over this alarming situation - and, well, alarm. Alarm won out and he shoved her away.

"Lucie don't you want to play?" She purred giving him a look that a son was never meant to see on a mother's face. She stuck her fingers inside his waistband and pulled him towards her. Draco wanted to shout or scream for help but he was frozen and a teeny bit curious. Dirty, bad Draco...

Narcissa took out her wand (nine inches rubber tree and dragon heart string, very, very flexible nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and whispered Viagrus at her son's crotch. Even Draco Malfoy had his limits and nailing his mum was apparently the line he would not cross.

"Mum - It's me Draco!" His voice was very high. The effect of her spell had been immediate and um, intense.

"Lucie - I don't want to play that game. Don't be Drakie-poo, wear the cowboy outfit. I want to play rodeo." She took a step towards him and waved her wand again, "Reagalius Westernus." Draco pushed her down and ran from the room both horrified and impressed at the imaginative touches that were part of his parents' sex life. Good to know they get it on still and if I don't soon I'll need to go to Hospital. Draco had never had trouble getting going so to speak. The spell Narcissa had used was powerful and meant for an older wizard who was not quite so potent. I wish I could tell you that the agony was exquisite - but it was just agony.

He ran to the end of the hall and whipped out...(don't you wish!) the Portkey for the Naiad - thinking of the cooling pools and the delightful nymphs. He could request a group service - he'd never done three before. The thought of three nymphs in their filmy wet robes astride him in a silver pool was so hot he nearly came into the nether region of Portkey transportation. Flushed and dressed in leather chaps, side shooters, cowboy boots, suede jacket and black ten-gallon hat he made his way to Silenus the host.

"Howdy Partner," the fat old satyr gave him an appraising up and down. Draco hadn't noticed that his mother had transfigured his clothing. He was so distracted by his urgent need to fuck something that he hadn't noticed the spell she'd cast - he'd been intent on getting away before he did her. He was so keyed up even a cactus seemed inviting. Just anyone he thought - well, not quite anyone, he looked at the old flabby man.

"I want three. Now." He was having a hard time standing still.

"Do you want a drink lad?" Silenus was slow and crafty.

"No, I want a girl right now," Draco squeaked.

"Would you like to browse?" The old satyr was staring at Draco's crotch, where the chaps parted, which presented the most insistent pulsating bulge he'd ever seen. It was practically glowing and giving off heat.

"No you fat old tart - I want a private room now," he gasped out.

"Certainly Draco - number twelve is free." Silenus realized that this was an emergency and that obviously someone had hexed this boy. Silenus knew what was planned for Draco this evening and he had a hard time not saying something. Draco was seldom polite to Silenus and he longed to flaunt some vague threat about "watching your step". He didn't want to piss off the Queen so he kept it shut.

He handed Draco the key which immediately transported him to a red room with a massive bed and a silver kidney shaped pool. Under any other circumstances Draco would have complained about the "ruddy Gryffindor colors." But the only thing he cared about now was getting off as many times as he could.

He ripped his shirt off and finally noticed his cowboy costume. He was trying to remove the gun holsters when eleven women clad in red robes with their hoods up had silently surrounded him. He could smell them. They smelled like sex. He nearly fainted. Good old Silenus had known - this is why I pay them two thousand Galleons a year he thought.

"Howdee Part-e-nur," cooed a French accent. The woman took a step forwards and dropped her hood revealing her long platinum hair - a purer shade than Draco's own, her veela blood was less diluted than his.

"Fleur?" Draco hadn't seen her since they'd had a fling two years earlier. Maybe she needed the money. He didn't have time to think about that now - his only thought to drag her into the pool and screw her. There was a humming in his ears. All he could think about was the hot warm slippery thing he was about to plunge into.

She took a step forwards and parted her robes. She had nothing on underneath and he almost lost it once again. She waved her rosewood wand and Draco's clothing vanished.

"Thank god." He bit her neck and she pushed him away.

"You know I am not zat esee." She walked around him in a circle. She drew a finger lazily down his back and down his backside sliding her hand through his legs, "Oh my how did you get into zuch a state?"

Draco's brain detached from its moorings and floated lazily in space. This must be what my mother feels like all the time he thought. Oh crap don't think about mum.

Fleur led him over to the bed and pushed him down. She snapped her fingers as she straddled him and a green glass appeared in her hand. She held it to his lips, "Take your medicine like a good leetle boy. And then you'll get a sue-preese."

He downed the mouthful from the small delicate flute and it tasted like cherry sorbet - down to the icy sensation it traced down his gullet. Fleur took the glass and snapped her fingers again. The glass vanished and thick black snakes wound around his ankles and wrists and then attached themselves to the bedposts.

He raised an eyebrow, "Kinky."

Fleur laughed - he'd never heard her laugh before. It made him worry that he was even less in control than he'd thought. She bent down and kissed him on his small bowed mouth. She teased him by bringing her body almost down on top of his but not getting close enough to touch him or to connect - but close enough that he could feel her heat. He was sure he was going to die. Under other circumstances he would have enjoyed this slow sensual provocation but now he could barely keep breathing. He wanted to be free to flip her over and thrust into her while digging his fingers into flesh and showering her with kisses that were more teeth than lips. Rough sex was nothing new to him - but he'd never felt like this before. He felt dangerous as if he could easily kill her if he had his arms and legs free.

She sat up and narrowed her eyes. "I know what you want." She shifted her hips down and Draco waited for her to slip down onto him. Instead she stood up and turned to the other hooded figures who were all standing very close to the bed. "Who wants to go first? Who is quickest?"

The others pushed forward a girl who slipped off her robe revealing milk white skin and slim limbs. Draco looked at her lovely body and his eyes glazed over. Her long red hair was tangled with gems and tiny white flowers - like a faerie bride. She strode over and stood above the man tied to the bed. She snapped her fingers and a riding crop appeared in her hand. Draco tried to look away but she whipped the crop into the side of his face.

"Look at me," she commanded. "Malfoy when I was seventeen years old you tried to take advantage of me. You slipped something into my butterbeer and when I woke up I was naked and tied to a bed and you were taking off your clothes. Do you remember?"

She knelt over him and leaned her face close to his and Draco looked into the root beer brown eyes of Ginny Weasley. He nodded.

"Good boy. I am now going to do to you what you tried to do to me. The funny thing is..." She paused maneuvering her hips and taking his miserable throbbing erection into herself. "You are not going to enjoy this as much as you think."

He heard her words but they didn't make much sense. He'd never felt anything so wonderful as being inside this lovely girl. They went at her pace. She didn't kiss or touch him just found a rhythm that suited her and went for it. He'd never seen a woman come that fast and he watched her face flush and her eyes close as she reached her peak. She sat still for a few moments and he could feel the pulsating contractions of her pleasure as it ebbed and spread into the rest of her body.

"Thanks," she whispered in his ear and bit his shoulder leaving teeth marks. She pulled off and he was astounded to note that he was still extremely aroused and she was climbing into the pool to sit with Fleur.

Another figure came forward and slid off her robes. She straddled him the same way both Fleur and Ginny had.

"This is for every time you called me mudblood. For every time you tried to look down my robes in potions. And for the time you cornered me seventh year in the hospital wing while both Harry and Ron were unconscious. You got a black eye that time. It'll be worse this time. Trust me." She settled her self on him just as Ginny had done and for a moment it was again exquisite. Then painful pleasure racked his body. He saw stars. Hermione moved slowly - requiring a slow steady pace to reach satisfaction. After a few minutes Draco realized he was not really a part of what was happening. His pleasure wasn't building and he still felt aching and longing as if he weren't having sex at all. But there she was long brown sugar hair and red mouth swaying and slowly grinding herself in small circles against him. It seemed to go on for hours. Draco hadn't thought he could be anymore aroused - but the need to get off grew and expanded until he thought perhaps he had gone stark raving mad. She finished with a small smile and left him without a word.

Three women he recognized as the chasers from the Gryffindor Quidditch team disrobed and slid onto the bed. Alicia Spinett offered him a drink. The girls freed one of his wrists and gave him a mai tai with a green umbrella.

"You'll probably want to take care of yourself - or at least try. We don't do dick." The three girls began to kiss and fondle each other and Draco stared at his hand. Just you and me mate at least I know I can get the job done. The girls had all come in a messy tangled heap and Draco was still slapping away at himself and getting nowhere. Each girl kissed him and he could taste the others on each of their shining mouths. He felt stuck full of needles. All rational though had fled his brain.

There were other girls that followed and other vague statements of payback. He seemed to have a nightmarish memory of an overweight Pansy Parkinson and Cho Chang light as a feather but wearing thigh high boots. He assumed that these last two had really happened because he had welts on his thighs that were obviously made by boot heels. Which just brought him back to the question of what Fleur had drugged him with. His mother had used an over potent viagrus charm and then whatever Fleur had given him probably coupled with the charm and made it impossible for his arousal to spend itself. Draco saw his future. He'd need to carry a bag or something in front of his crotch for the rest of his life to hide the perm-erection he was going to be cursed with.

In the middle of feeling sorry for him he realized he wasn't alone. "Potter?"

"Malfoy," Harry nodded without looking up. He sat at a small table filing his nails. He was dressed as a Gladiator. Malfoy couldn't stop staring at Potter's legs. Perhaps I've died and this is hell. It figures that my eternal damnation would be spent in admiring Potter's legs.

"I've been sent to fetch you. You have a busy day today and then you have to decide what to do." Potter threw a pink fuzzy thing at him and Malfoy winced thinking he was being attacked. "Put that on Malfoy. You need to see the Queen first. Then you're to have a tour of the district. Hurry up or the Queen will have you cleaning the sewers with your tongue."

Harry waved his wand just as he left the chamber and the snakes holding Draco in placed vanished. A light wind blew over his body and he realized it was a 60 second massage charm for stiff muscles. And his "problem" disappeared. Draco's mind was clear and now more than a little filled with worry.

He slipped into the pink bunny suit that Potter had thrown at him and it was very comfortable. He followed Potter outside, "Who knew I'd look so fetching in pink?"

Harry snorted, "You've never been here before - I gather?"

"To Diagon Alley Potter? How many times have I seen you there with that Red Haired excuse for a..." Malfoy just stared. He'd followed Harry outside of the Naiad and he only knew where they weren't. They were not in Diagon Alley.

"I take it you never bothered to find out where The Naiad is? Well you're going to find out today."

Harry hurried Malfoy into the street and along the boardwalk by the ocean.

There was a lighthouse at the end of a jetty and a harbor with many large Ships. They all had very strange names.

"Why call a Ship Handcuffs & Cream?" Malfoy asked Harry before he could stop himself.

Harry gave him an amused look and just kept walking. As they approached the Palace they passed the police station and an extremely pretty girl who was wearing tiny patent leather shorts and a black scrap of fabric for a top. Draco noticed her badge and started to point it out to Harry. Once again so confused he forgot to pretend he knew what was going on. Draco's smugness had deserted him.

"Hibiscus - Chief of RLD Police." Harry nodded at the girl who blew him a kiss and shouted something about someone named Shinji and a bubble bath.

Harry smirked and Draco refused to ask him what the hell was going on as they passed a library and an employment agency. "You've got a nine o'clock at the agency if all goes well. Don't forget." Draco nodded. What the hell else could he do at that point?

They were admitted to the palace and in the atrium, swimming in a large blue elliptical pool, was the Queen. Draco tried not to stare at her tiny red sequined bikini - but it was really shiny.

"Draco Malfoy," she swam to the ledge. "You have a choice to make. You've broken serious laws here in my realm. I am lenient as well as beautiful. I will give you a choice." She pulled herself from the pool and stood before Draco in her mostly string bikini.

"Harry, dear," she kissed him on the cheek and sighed. "You better hope I don't confuse you for your Dad one of these days. He is in the breakfast room and wants to see you."

"Right Queenie," Harry left Draco alone with the exceedingly pretty Queen.

"Do you know where you are?" Draco shook his head. "Well, you are to learn all about Switzerland's Red Light District today. Our tour guide will be here shortly to give you an overview. Later this afternoon you will come back to me and we will discuss why you are here and what will happen to you. You have my permission to withdraw."

There was a certain novelty in being treated like a worm and Malfoy wondered what he'd done. Of course he realized What haven't I done? Or Who?

The Queen who had been walking away turned around. "Exactly," she said and in his head he heard the rest of her words Yes, I can read your thoughts and I know you're looking at my ass. Nice isn't it?

"Oh Crikey! Not one of you bloody Malfoy's," a dark haired girl motioned for him to follow her out of the palace.

Back out in the clear morning sun Draco inhaled the clean salty smell of the ocean. "I thought Switzerland was landlocked."

"It is you ninny. We're not in that Switzerland. This is the Red Light District."

"What is the difference?" Draco had meant the question in earnest but it came out sounding surly.

"Well one is in Europe and the other is an unplottable magical realm." She spoke as though she were telling a particularly thick child that he needed to breathe if he was to stay conscious.

"Why is it called Switzerland?" He was not quite so surly this time.

"Look, I really need some coffee if I am to do a history lesson as well this tour this morning. My name is Vchan." She walked off without another word and Draco jogged after her, his pink fuzzy bunny ears flopping in his face.

They entered the Smackdown café and the lovely barrista in her tiara and feather boa made them two crackaccinos. Draco took a large mouthful and steam began to pour out his ears.

"What the bloody hell..." Vchan put her hand across his mouth before he could finish his sentence and gave him a fearful look that said shut your gob!

She dragged him outside. "Rule number one here is that if you want coffee you must behave in the Café. Lisanne is an angel but if you piss her off or go too long without complimenting her tiara you'll never get coffee again. Why do you think Snape lives in a cave in Finland? Bloody git just couldn't stop whining about tea."

"Sna...wha....." Draco shook his head to clear the cobwebs. "I've gone mad haven't I?" His pupils dilated in horror.

"No - not yet anyway," Vchan gave him an impish grin.

They sat on the edge of the wharf watching the Ship traffic and sipping their coffee which Vchan explained was the only drink Lisanne made - crackaccino: four shots of espresso in a big cup of coffee. Milk, sugar, and sedatives could be added to temper it but that was each witch or wizard's own look out.

"The coffee is strong enough to keep everyone going. There isn't much time for sleeping in the RLD. And Lisanne only wants to deal with each of us once a day. We don't complain, as we're bloody lucky to have her. She doesn't have to make us coffee you know.

So Switzerland founded in 1515 by a ménage a trois who was sick of hearing about the expected man/woman relationship and how all else was deviant behavior. They were an odd group a man, a python, and a veela. Anyway they envisioned a place where anything based on respect, love and that was pleasurable between willing adults was just fine and dandy. Voila - Switzerland - neutral since 1515.

You with me so far? Good. You've been to Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley right? What about Fiction Alley?" Draco shook his head dumbly. No he'd never been there or even heard of it.

"Well Fiction Alley was created and the Swiss Red Light District came into existence as a kind of by-product. The spells are very old and complicated and even if I understood half of them it would take years to teach you. So skipping that part - Fiction Alley is a set of records tracking all the possible scenarios that could exist for each of us. Each scenario is presented as a fiction. But each fiction brings into being a set of circumstances, places, and people. Because of the way this place was set up - each of those people exists here in Switzerland.

You still with me? Okay - but it is way too confusing to have three hundred- something Draco Malfoys wandering around at a time. So the Ship's were made and they sail the enchanted ocean and are scheduled to come into port for supplies and shore leave so that we can limit the number of anyone person here at a time."

"Do you mean that there are other mes?" Draco whispered.

"See that Ship? The SS Handcuffs & Cream?" Vchan pointed at the largest Ship in the harbor.

"That is a boatload of Dracos," Vchan waved her hand conjured up a pair of Omnioculars and handed them to Draco.

"How does everyone do wandless magic here?" Draco took the Omnioculars.

"Can't tell you - the Queen may tell you later."

Draco looked at the Ship and felt queasy when he saw hundreds of carbon copies of himself milling about the boat deck. Upon closer inspection they proved to be not entirely identical to him or each other. As he scoped them out he noticed one was smoking a cigar and had an eye patch - Monte Carlo!Draco, another sported a mullet and a jug of hooch - Trailer Trash!Draco. Many of them had leather pants on and one of them wore nothing but a pair of duckie socks.

"I think I am going to be ill," Draco handed the Omnioculars back.

"Yeah, well now you know how we feel when the Handcuffs & Cream pulls into port. So c'mon you got lots to see. This is the RLD Lighthouse run by Elf and Legolas. She's resting now as she is up at night when the light is needed. Elves never sleep of course but you'll meet them later."

"Legolas? But he's a character in a book." Draco looked at the lighthouse and was about to announce that he'd had it and was leaving for Diagon Alley.

"In some worlds Legolas is a character from a book. You are as well. But here you exist in three dimensional space with a will that you at least perceive as your own." Vchan stepped closer to Draco, "You can try to leave - but without the Queen's permission you'd never find the way out."

Draco stepped back and looked around wildly at the Shops and the seaside. It was a bright morning and no one was about. Nothing looked threatening - but he knew he was in big trouble. He looked at Vchan and thought You can read my thoughts?

She nodded and he decided to make the best of it. He knew enough about Alternate Realities to know when not to kick up a fuss and make things really bad.

"How are the Ship's passengers decided? Is there a whole Ship of Potter's somewhere?" Draco spat and then paled at the thought.

"Yes, there is a Ship of Potters but it hardly ever comes into port - and when it does we have a blast with all the Harrys." Draco ignored the glee in Vchan's eyes and refused to compare it with her disdain for the boatload of Dracos. She continued, "Of course there are only two Ships like that - one for you and one for Harry. No other characters are as written about as you two are. There is quite a surplus of both of you and the ones that couldn't be romantically or platonically paired are hoarded en masse onto a Ship."

"What's his Ship called then?"

"The SS Emerald Lightening," She smiled at him and thought at him You're jealous.

"How can you all do that? Stop doing that!" He put his hands over his ears and heard her laughter in his mind - because covering your ears does little to block telepathy.

"So, do you want to know about the other Ships? They are divided mainly by relationships. Over there, that bright green Ship - the SS Pumpkin Pie & Mai Tai's - is a Ship based on Harry with Hermione and you with Ginny Weasley..."

"What - me marry a Weasley?!" Draco looked like he could bite the head off of a weasel and luckily for both the weasel and Draco there are none living in the RLD.

"Oh, please we all saw the look you gave her last night," Vchan realized immediately that it was the wrong thing to say. "Damn. I wasn't supposed to say that. Anyway - let's get going - the small pink Ship there is the SS Chemical Explosions. That's Snape and Fred Weasley." Vchan bit her lips to keep from laughing at the look on Malfoy's face. He was the color of old gruel.

"The small blue building is the Harbor Master's quarters. Flourish keeps track of all the Ship's and organizes the timetables for each Ship to travel here and is responsible for rescue operations if there are any emergencies. She is also the Captain of the SS Switzerland - which is the Rescue Ship, which incidentally makes trips to the Switzerland in Europe. That is where the wizards go to be hermits and repair watches. Everyone knows there are no lovers in that Switzerland.

The Green building there is the RLD School. Teaches all sorts of things - but that you'll learn about later. The Head Mistress is Werechick and Ker is the Deputy Headmistress - but they are on vacation with Percy and Oliver's family. Ker is one of their many children."

"I don't even want to know." Draco looked at the pink Ship wondering how Snape could have ever sunk so low as to take up with Fred Weasley.

"Next to the School is the Glowstick Emporium - run by Paravti Patil and Lavender Brown." Draco interrupted her here.

"Wait - how come they are here? Why aren't they off on a Ship?" He looked perplexed.

"Well, there are quite a few Lavenders and Parvatis on different Ships but there are also RLD versions of both that live here. There is no Draco that lives here though." She looked at him pointedly.

"RLD? Oh, Red Light District - right, how can there be RLD versions of them then?" Draco's head was zipping along on all the coffee.

"Well, it is really simple actually - someone is writing this story right now - and as RLD characters are set down in the story they become a permanent fixture here. Of course they have to be formally approved by the Queen."

Draco thought about this for several minutes and then sipped some more coffee. "I think this is growing on me - it doesn't taste like poison anymore." He held up his coffee.

So, What you are telling me is that I am a character in a story that is being written as we speak and that before the story was written none of this was here? None of you existed? Even though I have 25 years worth of memories and experiences none of it exited before - say - the beginning of July?" Draco unzipped the hood of his bunny suit which was detachable. It was getting sunny and warm, too warm for bunny ears.

"Yes, exactly. I new you'd catch on quickly. Every word I am now speaking is being typed at a kitchen table in the North Eastern United States. Right now the author has an itch and is scratching her ear." **thwap** "Ouch! Okay, she doesn't want me to do that anymore. Sorry." Vchan rubbed her cheek and Malfoy looked rather stupid with his mouth hanging open.

"Close your mouth before you catch a fly." Vchan tapped his chin. "So next to Lavender and Parvati's there is that little white building. No one knows what's in there - bit of a mystery actually. The RLD Laundry is next - it is run by Koji whom Ashriel imported from Mexico. Oh! Look there he is!" Vchan squealed and pointed at a tall beautiful Japanese man who was scrubbing furiously at the stains on a polka dotted bunny suit.

"He looks Japanese - are you sure he comes from Mexico?"

"Quite sure - surely you've heard of the large Japanese settlement in Oaxaca?" She gave him the Come on boy prove your stupidity look again.

"Um, sure. So what is that bright red shop? And why aren't there any bloody signs?"

"That is Salazar's Pornographic Shirt and Tie Shop. The signs are magical and they only appear when the store is open. We keep odd hours here - mostly night owls as you might imagine.

"How exactly are shirts and ties pornographic?" Draco waited for an explanation but none was forthcoming.

"Across the way that big yellow store is run by Millicent and Cedric Diggory..."

"I thought Diggory was dead. He died in my fourth year..."

"Malfoy," Vchan shook her head. "I thought you understood - anything is possible here. There are hundreds of Alternate Universes and if it has been set down in a story then it exists here. Millicent and Cedric are really very sweet together. Look they are opening the store now."

Vchan walked over and Draco followed, "Morning Ced." Vchan embraced him and asked after Millicent.

"Ah, she ran for coffee but she is fine thanks. Malfoy," Cedric nodded at him. "Wasn't expecting to see you here but if the Queen wants you then I'm sure we'll all understand in time."

Draco shook Cedric's proffered hand. A tall witch with dark hair and eyes came skidding around the corner with two cups of coffee. "Malfoy? Good God! Vchan, love what is going on?"

"Millie" The women embraced. "Not sure, the Queen will explain it to us later.

Draco was staring. He could not see any trace of Millicent Bullstrode in this lovely woman. She was tall and strong looking - delicate was not a word you'd use for her. But her Amazonian stature was not unfeminine. And Cedric was quite strapping so they were well matched.

"Millicent, it is nice to see you." Draco said in a formal Percy Weasley voice.

She laughed and hugged him, "Malfoy don't be a prat. I hope you get to stay. It would do you good."

"I don't really understand what is happening yet. I feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland - except I am an adult and this is Smutland. So what kind of store do you run?"

"The store is called All Things Dangly, and a sign appeared over the door as Cedric spoke the words.

Malfoy nodded but the fact that he was puzzled was plain. They wished the Diggories a good day and moved on.

"We forgot the Cloak and Codpiece - the local pub - it is that purple building back there by Lavender and Parvati's Glowstick Emporium. Before you ask - we have a glowstick shop because we have a lot of raves. And what is a rave without glowsticks?

The funny orange and lilac colored building is Euclid's Geometry Hut. Don't ask. Across the street is Ashriel's Asian Delights and Erotica. She imports Japanese Sex Slaves. Of course they are more than willing so they really aren't slaves. Koji is Ashriel's boy though.

There is the RLD Police Station, run by Hibiscus. Shinji, Koji's brother, works under Hibiscus. He has a beautiful stomach. Ashey charmed all his shirts so that they disappear when he puts them on but that is fine with him. Good God! I am gossiping.

The long orange building is The Naiad and Dryad and Ginny's Brothel. Sirius Black and Buckbeak own all the RLD brothels."

Malfoy blanched, "Bu-Bu-Buckbeak?"

"I thought Malfoys didn't stutter. Isn't it in the Malfoy Code of Conduct? Don't look so shocked everyone here knows everything about you. It is all written down. It's your own fault he scratched you - won't make the mistake of insulting him again will you? If you're lucky you'll begin your training soon and then you'll read all the fics for yourself.

So the last thing is the nudie beach - Dean Thomas sells ice cream down there and rumor lately is that he is carrying on a torrid affair in the RLD library with Bill Weasley. We keep finding Weasley's bitch boots outside. We've been trying to think up a name for their Ship - just in case. I really like the SS Sketch and Screw. But the Queen didn't take to it.

Oh - that pink triangle is the Royal Jell-O Wrestling Pit. The gate there is the entrance to the Queen's Private Beach. You are not to go onto her beach alone or without permission. The punishment is truly gruesome." Vchan checked her watch, "Blast, I've got to fly. You have an appointment with Ari in there." She pointed at a small yellow shop and then disappeared.

Malfoy walked in and opened the door and found a short witch with long red curly hair trying to revive a rat. "Blast you Malfoy! Maya is going to hex me into a two dimensional realm!"

"What did I do?" Draco had no way of knowing that the white rat was also him.

"You're a bit early. Are you any good with medical charms? See if you can revive him!" The woman was frantic.

Draco waved his wand at the rat and muttered, "Enervate."

The revived rat took one look at Draco and crawled into his bunny suit pocket.

"Okay - I've no idea what just happened. I think this might be an extended hallucination - so I am not going to ask. Might as well think out loud since you can probably read my thoughts anyway.

"Yes, sit down." The woman was rifling through papers and she then took out a crossword puzzle and began to complete it. Draco sat quietly feeling that this was some sort of test. After perhaps twenty minutes she looked up and jumped "I forgot you were here! Why didn't you say something?" Without waiting for a response she then asked him if he knew a seven-letter word for orgasmic pleasure. He shook his head.

"Of course it's onanism. Right then," She stuck her quill back in an inkstand and looked at him.

"Are you always this absent minded?" Malfoy tried to snatch the words back too late.

"Yes, are you always slow as molasses in January?"

He didn't answer. "What Draco Malfoy without a witty response? How very disappointing."

"Well, let's get on with it then." The witch stood up and pulled her red robes off over her head half pulling off her shirt by accident. "I heard that Malfoy. And incidentally thanks."

She was wearing normal muggle clothes underneath, ratty jeans and an old punk rock t-shirt that read "Kill Rock Stars."

"I am going to show you the last few shops that Vchan didn't and then you need to answer a few questions for me. Then its back to the Queen."

Ari showed him Edge's Animal Suit Shop, he'd seen the Smackdown Café earlier, which left the Library and Nebula's Web Comic Pimp Playhouse. She told him there were things he was not going to see today like Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Adult Products, Snape's Naughty Nibblies, and Dumbledore's Vibrating Earmuff Shop.

They went back into Ari's shop and sat down to lunch of orange juice and chocolate cake.

"We need to find you a job. Every one here works even the Queen runs the local bathhouse. But where can you work?"

"Can I work here?" Draco asked. Ari seemed so absent minded she probably wouldn't make him do much.

"Nice try, we all work and don't be too sure of me and my little act." She gave him a piercing glare and he shifted in his seat.

"I think you should work with Salazar in the Shirt and Tie shop." I'll take you over after you've seen the Queen.

"Do you have any other questions?" Ari was eyeing Draco's practically untouched cake.

"On my Ship - there were other me's?" Ari nodded and Draco proceeded. " So which Draco am I?" Ari started to repeat the nine times tables and he stood up and ruffled his hair. "What? Which one?"

"Nine times eight is seventy-two...the Queen better tell you." She put her red robes back on and held a fork out to Malfoy.

"No thanks," he decided she was quite mad.

"You dolt. It's a Portkey." Malfoy blushed and grabbed the end.

They were transported to the Queen's Chambers in the Palace. She was being fitted for a new dress by the Royal Seamstress.

"That's Squicky Snape - daughter of Snape and Scary Spice." Ari whispered at Draco. Draco pretended to be a potted palm. If he had only been cellulose and chlorophyll none of this would be happeneing.

"Darling, how are you? Been keeping away from the bunny suits? Good Girl." The Queen stepped down off her pedestal and kissed Ari on both cheeks. "Sit down dear and finish your cross word while I chat with this one."

"Draco do you know who the women were last night?" The Queen didn't wait for a response. "The Throng of Angry Damsels (T.O.A.D.) are operatives of mine. A special task force I designed and trained all by myself. Harry is in charge of them and they are also known as the Dirty Dozen.

You are guilty of crimes against smut. In fact you've been giving smut a bad name.

Many people fail to see that there are different kinds of smut and not all of it is bad. Here in the RLD we seek to educate people on the positive and healthy side of smut. But you run around anything everything that moves. And you do it without any joy, or thought of any pleasure other than your own. You've harassed many of my loyal subjects. We've given you opportunities to change and to learn but you've been too greedy.

This is your last chance. You have two weeks to learn to mend your ways. If you do not you will not be allowed to return to the RLD. If you do succeed, well, we'll see. Oh, and I have to put a chastity charm on you." She waved her wand at him and he felt his whole body tingle for a second and then go numb.

"Damn, overdid it. But it is safer to do that charm with a wand. At least I didn't let Ari near you - you'd be a eunuch now. Don't worry Drakie the charm will wear off except for where it counts." This sent the Queen into fits of laughter. Ari on the other hand looked annoyed by the slur against her magical ability.

"Look, I was only one word off the proper cleaning spell on those suits!" Ari stomped like an angry three year-old.

"Of course you were dear. But I wonder how we ended up with thousands of mutant bunnies instead of thirty bunnysuits? Hmmmmm?"

"Shall I deliver him to Salazar's then?" Ari had the sense to look humiliated

"No, dear come chat with me while I sun bathe." The Queen snapped her

fingers changing Ari's robes into a green bathing suit that made her look paler than she actually was. "Dear, dear you really need more sun."

The two women disappeared and Malfoy turned around to find Potter motioning to him from the end of the hall. He followed Potter to the Pornographic Shirt and Tie Shop to begin his first job.