The Red Light District

Chapter Two-ish: about Draco's Bottom

Draco was not cut out to work in retail. His one and only day in the employment of the RLD's haberdashery had been long and sour. To shop there he was excellently equipped with a neat figure and a bottomless bank account, but his ability to retain employment there was not a bet anyone would place except Hello Voldie. (And if Voldie makes so much money betting why is he giving pedicures down by the wharf?) Mr. Stewart, owner of the Pornographic Shirt and Tie Shop: Red Light District, Newark, Helsinki, & Amsterdam, fired Draco at the end of his first day. "Fired" being the euphemism for tossed out a window, as you might suspect.

I'll let Mr. Stewart tell you the details if and when he feels so inclined. All I know is that when Draco was tossed out, Mr. Stewart threw a box of buttons at his head and yelled, "If I see yer skanky arse in here agin' Malfoy, I'll grind it into a paste and spread it on toast fer tea!"

Draco lay blinking into the daylight after having spent the whole day in the dark storeroom of the shop sorting ties into het, slash, and femmeslash piles. There were wizarding pictures on the ties, which means that they move...

Draco had not really been interested in the mini-porn films on each tie. The Queen's Chastity charm was quite effective at damping his libido. The shop assistants had been pinching his bottom all day and making suggestive comments. He felt like a disinterested virgin at an orgy, and his bottom was sore from the pinching and having landed on it when he was defenestrated.

"What did you do Malfoy?" Draco looked up from his recumbent position and there was Harry - turns out the Guards do not wear underclothing.

Draco made a mental note: do not to look up their little skirty uniforms unless one is after a show. "Potter I'm disappointed. I expected more of you."

Harry gave Draco a look that clearly said he was waiting for an explanation as to why he had been forcibly ejected by his former employer.

"I called Stewart a ruddy fan girl."

"Malfoy, I knew you were in that bunny suit somewhere. But pissing Sallie off is not a good way to fit in around here. He knows people - important people." Potter extended a hand and helped him to his feet. He began to brush some dirt off the back of Malfoy's pink bunny suit - and Malfoy jumped away looking, if you'll believe it, like a scared rabbit.

"Your bottom is dusty Malfoy." Harry continued to brush the dirt off even though Malfoys bottom didn't look dusty anymore.

"Let's all just keep our hands to ourselves." Malfoy pushed Harry's hands away.

"Oh, someone is cranky. Do you need a hug Drakie-poo?"

"Yes, Potter you are so funny I am going to throw up." Malfoy backed away from Potter's outstretched arms not entirely certain if was really threatening to hug him or if it was a joke.

"We're taking you to school." Potter patted his bum again.

Malfoy looked at the six strapping guards and felt they could see through his fuzzy pink bunny suit and he didn't like it one bit. "There is a hands off policy on my bum." Harry shrugged and the group moved towards the school.

Draco was feeling wildly protective of his bottom and walked with his hands clamped to it. He'd always been proud of his bum in the past and remembered taunting Goyle with it through all seven years of Hogwarts. Draco knew Goyle had the hots for him and flashed body parts at the poor boy left and right. Everyone doubted Goyle's mental acuity when really he was just in a Malfoy induced horny kind of stupor.

But Harry's hand on his bottom had been disconcerting. It made him feel soiled and nervous - but not turned on. Goyle had encouraged the flaunting. He enjoyed it. Malfoy decided this was different; he wasn't enjoying this stint as a sex object. And a small voice in his conscience mumbled, This is what it feels like to be used selfishly and without affection. This IS how Goyle felt even if it was pleasurable too. It wasn't right. This is how every lover of yours has felt.

Draco was delivered, unmolested but with a heavy heart, to the Red Light District School and under the disconcerting stare of the Headmistress, he was seated and told to read Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone. "Mr. Malfoy you will read all the Harry Potter Canon and if you pass the exam you may then continue your education with readings from Fanon." She pushed thirteen books, each volume larger than the one before. (The seventh and last book "Scar Head" actually came in six smaller volumes being five thousand three hundred and forty-two pages long.)

The school was one room - or at least Draco had only seen one room. It was a comfortable library of the sort one might find in an elegant country house. There were large port-wine colored leather chairs and ottomans and a chaise lounge in case anyone had the vapors or was wearing his or her corset too tight. There was even an ice blue bottle of smelling salts to revive fainters. The Headmistress, Madame Werechick, expected sass from Mr. Malfoy. He looked sassy in her opinion. She kept her sparkly, pink, Imitation Orwellian Mod^wtm thwapping stick close at hand. The first morning was a trial for both of them. Draco was cold. Draco was hungry. The light was too dim. He was too old to be reading children's stories. The author was obviously a Potter lover...ad nauseum. Werechick threatened to thwap him. Draco, as we've already seen tends to be dismissive against threats to his person , and could not shut up about Harry being in the closet. Werechick was left without other options and she thwapped the crap out of him. She chased him about the schoolroom until she grew tired and then she just sent the pink thwapping stick after him with a nifty little homing charm that Sirius Black had taught her. Eventually a bruised Draco surrendered and resigned himself to reading a story in which he appeared not frequently enough for his tastes and not at all in a manner he thought true to life. The author failed to capture his joie de vivre, his personal beauty, and his melodious singing voice. Draco began to daydream the novel that might be written about him. He envisioned a bastard hybrid of The Pirates of Penzance and Les Miserables with Draco somehow playing both the part of the Major General and that of Jean Valjean. He turned back to the assigned reading when it dawned on him that his version of things might not be so true to life either. When had he ever sung, "I am the very model of a Modern Major General" to a group of Parisian orphans? Furthermore he knew he tended to get seasick even on a punt. He returned to Harry's adventures and the head mistress noticed that Draco had grown quiet and was wholly absorbed in the book.

When she rang for afternoon tea she had to accidentally scald him to get his attention. A small table appeared at his side and Draco accepted the tea and crammed crumpets unbuttered into his mouth. Werechick looked up from an essay she was correcting, "The Sexual Identity of Blaise Zabini," and caught Draco happily eating a napkin but decided that a little roughage is good for the digestive system, and she let him have at it

Draco ate a candle at dinner and poured gravy on his treacle tart while he continued to read. He ate the gibbleted tart with relish - really, with pickle relish.

Werechick, queasy from watching him eat the green and brown mess, asked him "How are you finding your dinner?"

He replied without looking up, "Yes, that Coquilles St. Jacques was excellent, thanks." She had to run from the room suddenly - and whether to keep from exploding with nausea or laughter is anyone's guess.

Draco read on into the night and when he could no longer keep his eyes open he passed out in the chair he'd been in all day. As he slept a feline figure entered the room and moved through the shadows towards Draco's vulnerable sleeping form. The creature was tall and skeletally thin with an enormous white kitty head and snaky red eyes. In fact its head was so out of proportion to its body that it looked like an egg sideways on a stick. The egg shaped head was garnished with an enormous red satin bow and it wore cute blue overalls. It brushed the hair out of Draco's eyes with a white fingerless paw and put a blanket on him. It was Hello Voldie - not cute - not evil - gives an excruciating pedicure. He took the book from Draco marked the page he was on and transfigured the chair into a day bed. When he was assured of Draco's comfort Voldie pulled a jeweled stiletto from the loop of his overalls (why yes, they were painter's overalls) and sliced off a few strands of the platinum hair - pale as beaten gold and dropped them into a vial marked Draco Cloning Experiment. It is hard to hold a stiletto with paws and he nearly etched a mark into Draco's forehead. Voldie managed to steady the knife with his teeth and Draco narrowly escaped having a fluffy bunny marked onto him.

****

It was neither dark nor stormy - but it was night. Bulwer-Lytton was dead and he doesn't care if we snub him. The tall skeletal creature with red eyes and a snaky little nose stood in the dark over a bowl of water whistling "Au Pres du ma Blonde." He added the pale green powder, a single golden hair, and spoke the magical incantation, "Inagadadavida." Purple sparks shot up his little kitty nose evoking delicate little kitty sneezes.

Nothing else happened. He clapped and the wall torches relit. Hello Voldie was non-plussed but once again blessed the gods for inventing The Wizard Clapper: For the older Wizard who oft misplaces his wand. He scratched his baldhead just behind the satin bow in front of his pointy kitty ear. The bow brought out his crimson eyes. "Oh, pooh," he placed his paws in the pockets of his blue overalls and tried to figure out where his experiment had gone wrong.

Voldie wasn't evil anymore - sure he still had residual evil but it wasn't anymore evil than resides in, say, Hello Kitty. Lord Voldemort had been defeated by Harry Potter with an all-powerful piece of cheese that sucked Voldie's evil out so it could become the moldiest, stinkiest piece of cheese in all of cheese making. Harry had borrowed a watch from Hermione and somehow the Hello Kitty watch got mixed up in the evil sucking-ness and voila! Hello Voldie was born, or made, erm... inflicted and the RLD was the only place that would harbor such a fiend. I mean feline.

Voldie pretty much kept to himself, he wasn't really cut out for smutty rolling around and snogging. The poor fool barely had lips. There were two things he did like in the RLD - one was the very yummy edible underwear and the other was OPB - Off Pit Betting. He was actually deep in the hole - stone broke - on a very queer street indeed, having lost a fortune gambling on Jell-O wrestling. He pretty much sucked at betting. Who knew Neville Longbottom would attain such glory as a champion Jell-O wrestler? Not Voldie.

So Voldie needed money something horrible. Remember Bagman and the Goblins? Well, compare that to a throng of angry damsels (TOAD!) led by Harry "All powerful piece of cheese" Potter. I'd take the Goblins any day. Voldie couldn't place a winning bet if the match was finished and the winner was standing in front of him wearing a sign that read "winner" - but he wasn't stupid. He knew that what everyone wants is there very own Draco Malfoy. So late at night when everyone else was busy cavorting on The Queen's Obscene Green, Voldie was trying to clone Malfoy.

So far all he'd come up with was a few grains of salt and some amoebas. Further experimentation only yielded more amoebas. And amoeba!Draco didn't seem to have the same potential for creating wealth as a whole Draco would.

Voldie asked Pettigrew and Filch around to see if they could help and how sad is that as one is inept and the other a squib? It doesn't really matter how inept they are because it is difficult to have a secret meeting in the RLD, what with the general telepathy and all. So of course the Smut Patrol broke in, "This is a raid! Nobody move."

Hibiscus was wearing strategically placed glittery leaves and her deputy Shinji was wearing a lilac Speedo and flowered bathing cap. They had been at the Tuesday Evening Rave when the smut free alarm went off. There is a delicate balance in the District that must be maintained. If someone is thinking deeply about the meaning of life, or ways to get stains out of carpets then the alarm will go off and the smut patrol is sent out to remedy the situation. This does sound a bit like "Big Brother" but only if you're biggest fear turns out to be a threesome with the lovely Hibiscus and Shinji who tastes like candy corn.

Hibiscus looked around at Voldie, Filch, and Peter Pettigrew. She thought, Squick me! I am not snogging any of them.

Shinji sighed and took a step toward Filch and then recoiled, he turned to Pettigrew and gagged, he moved towards Voldie and patted him on his fluffy kitty head. Voldie purred like an overgrown chainsaw (whatever the hell that means) and licked Shinji's hand with his sandpapery tongue.

Hibiscus saw Shinji shudder with disgust and ran and threw herself on Voldie and screamed, "Take me instead!"

Shinji grabbed the bowl of mysterious goo with one hand and Hibiscus with the other. "See ya, squicksters."

When they were outside Shinji put the bowl on the ground and looked deeply into his beloved's eyes. "That was the most upsetting thing I've seen in years."

She nodded solemnly and they did not need words to deepen the moment and the full impact of what they had narrowly escaped was not lost on them. "I am so eating a Knickerbocker Glory out of your belly button later."

"What do you think is in that bowl my little smut muffin?" Shinji bent over the bowl, "Holy flypaper! It's moving around - I think it's alive."

Hibiscus whipped her Detective Junior kit out of thin air and she dropped six different colored drops of ink out of an inkwell into the bowl and waved her wand counter clockwise over it, "Revealus."

A shadowy figure hovered over the bowl for a moment, an indefinitely shaped gelatinous blob that looked exactly like Draco Malfoy.

The Queen, her consort, and a rather rumpled looking Remus Lupin apparated to the spot. "Oooooo Jell-O!" The Queen flicked her wrist and a spoon appeared in her hand. Shinji knocked the spoon from her and explained that the goo was really Malfoy.

The Queen was pissed. "Hibiscus bring the one celled orgasms to me..." The Queen shook her head, "Orgasm, Or -ga - zim." Both James and Remus burst out laughing. They were holding each other up and tears were running down their faces. Sirius had put a spell on the entire RLD years earlier that caused anyone saying the word "organism" to say instead "orgasm". It had been years since anyone had tried to say organism - and of course people say orgasm every day. Surprise had caught the MWPP off guard and their laughter at this old joke was bordering on hysteria. But even Hibiscus was having a hard time keeping a straight face and when Shinji leaned forward and whispered, "Girlie, I have an orgasm for you..." She lost it and the Queen put a temporary Maudlinus Charm on them all.

"Bring them to me tomorrow and send Voldie to the Disco of Secrets to clean up all the mess from the mutant bunnies." With a glare that could solder steel she apparated back to the Rave.

"She is ripping pissed! You know what this means..." Remus looked at James and nodded. "I'll get the strawberry syrup and you go find Padfoot."

The amoeba!Dracos were placed in the fridge and marked "Malfoy - Do not Eat!" Voldie was sent to clean the sewers with his tongue because Filch had just finished cleaning up the horror in the Disco of Secrets from all the mutant bunnies. The rave resumed and clothing was shed and everyone went to bed at dawn sticky with traces of ice cream and strawberry sauce. Even Filch and Voldie got a bit of ice cream though Voldie did little more than stick his sore sewer scrubbing tongue into a tub of orange sherbet.

The next afternoon Hibiscus carried the amoebas to the bathhouse where the Queen was presiding over a water ballet class. "No dear, turn to the left. Ari am I going to have to mark your hands with an L and an R again sweetie?"

Ari blushed and transformed into a water snake and slithered across the surface of the pool and into one of the filters. She was being petulant and refused to come out.

The Queen waved her bejeweled hand in the air. "Blast! I hate it when she does that. She won't come out for days." The Queen turned to Hibiscus and looked at the bowl waiting for an explanation of why a loyal servant would break the bath rules by bringing a bowl of goo into the baths. (check the rules: number 567 No bringing bowls of goo into the baths. This means you. Of course Sirius slipped number 568 into the list: No bathing without a large black dog present. So the rules are in doubt.)

"I can't believe I caught that skanky pussy playing mad scientist again." Hibiscus held out the bowl.

"What's Ginny done now?" Queen Celebren looked startled.

"Not Ginny! That red eyed prat. Don't you remember?" Hibiscus regretted her choice of words.

"Cat, darling - you mean cat." The Queen fluttered he lashes. "What did he do? Ooooo, is that Jell-O?"

"No, it's Malfoy goo."

"Ginny made Malfoy Jell-O?" The Queen looked curious.

"It is not Jell-O!" Hibiscus took a good look at the Queen, at her lopsided smile and her glassy eyes. The Queen's pupils were quite dilated. "Have you been visiting Sister Serenity today?"

"Yes - she made me a cake shaped like a bum!" The Queen broke into a fit of giggles.

All was clear to Hibiscus. An obliviate charm had obviously been used to wipe something out of the Queen's memory from last night. And The Queen had been to bakery. Everyone knows for erotic cakes the only thing to do is visit Sister Serenity the hash smoking ex-nun. She'd given up her faith, but not her chastity and lived a rather permissible existence in the RLD baking naughty confections in a haze of psychedelia.

Hibiscus explained about the failed cloning and the amoebas she had confiscated from Voldie. The Queen indeed seemed to have no memory of the night before and Hibiscus knew that Lupin was handy with Obliviate charms. It certainly explained why the Queen was a little wonky sometimes after a night under the stars with her boys. Hibiscus looked at the bowl waiting for the Queen to instruct her on what to do with a bowl of Malfoy.

The Queen squealed, "Perfect - I know just the thing. None of the cleaning charms have been working in the hot tubs. Let's see if the amoebas can keep things hygienic. They eat scum right?

All right class - take a break." The Queen patted Harry on his lilac speedo-ed bottom and sent him into the showers.

She poured the contents of the bowl into the filtering system and waited. The water snake shot out of the filter duct and transformed back into Ari. "What in the name of Hades did you just dump in there? It smells like a herd of wet dogs."

"Ari, sweetie, you know dogs don't come in herds..." The Queen looked at Ari the way a parent looks at her own child when she realizes said child will be lucky to master tying her own shoes.

Hibiscus leaned over to the Queen and said quietly, "Let's go outside. There's a problem." She pointed to the pool and the Queen nodded and began to back away as her eyes widened in horror. The water was gone and there were hundreds of thousands of amoebas that managed an extraordinary resemblance to Malfoy for a single celled creature.

The three witches apparated outside of the bathhouse and The Queen stamped her foot and the King appeared. She told him what had happened and he blew up the bathhouse and in the crater left behind he promised to build her a new bathhouse. Poor Harry was left a bit singed and quite without his Speedo. He didn't seem to mind and walked up to Ari and Hibiscus. The Queen tackled her consort and began to roll around in the grass with him. Hibiscus and Ari snuck away with nekkid Harry in tow.

"Are you okay?" Hibiscus noted that Ari looked a bit odd. "Um, you're looking paler than normal - and uh-oh...."

"What?" Ari did not like the look Hibiscus was giving her one little bit. Harry was trying not to laugh. Ari knew from experience that if a naked guy, who has just had his Speedo blown off, is trying not to laugh at you it can't be good.

"I'm taking you to see Madam Pomfrey right now." Hibiscus and Harry grabbed Ari and ran.

Ari resisted. "Hibiscus, you know she is just going to tell me I need to get laid. That is her cure for everything. Have sex. I am really getting tired of it."

Hibiscus stopped dead in her tracks. "You're getting tired of sex? Oh God - this is even worse than I thought." She began to run in earnest now dragging Ari behind her. Harry decided not to go along if sex was not on the program and walked off mumbling about seeing what Ron was up to with the harem.

Madam Pomfrey looked in Ari's ears and up her nose and then she made her stand on her head and say the Greek alphabet backwards.

"This is very serious." She clucked like an old mother hen and took an orange bottle out of a cupboard. She filled a glass half full of amber colored liquid and told Ari to drink it.

"What is it?" Ari expected to hear the name of a potion, or a kind of syrup made from something you wouldn't care to step on never mind ingest.

"Bourbon dear. I am afraid you are in for a shock so drink it down." The nurse tipped the glass back shooting the burning stuff down Ari's throat.

"Dear - go look in the mirror." Madam Pomfrey and Hibiscus watched as Ari walked to the mirror, looked into it, and fainted dead away.

When she came to she got up looked in the mirror and turned to the nurse. "Does this mean what I think it means?"

The nurse nodded.

"I am going to murder Queenie!" Ari ran towards the baths and her thoughts flew ahead of her.

Up in the grass near the crater of the destroyed bathhouse James and his Queen were tickling each other with long blades of grass and wrestling. James was just leaning in to kiss the Queen when she sensed Ari's wrath flying ahead of her. James felt it too.

They stood up to meet her and had to put some clothing back on and button some clothing back up. And James was trying to mend a zipper he'd ripped out of the Queen's dress with a mending charm he thought he knew. Perhaps he was too keyed up from the snogging because the zipper turned into a chalkboard eraser.

Ari stood before them with platinum blonde hair and wide silver gray eyes. "You've turned me into a freaking female Malfoy! I am going to have to kill myself if this is irreversible." She burst into tears. James and Celebren patted her back and bought her an ice cream.

The Queen sent for the one person who might be able to help. Severus Snape would have to leave his cave in Finland. The Queen sent him a letter promising to provide tea in the RLD if he'd come back. And she sent it not with an owl but with a alluring young nymph and a pot of butterscotch body paint from Lickable Arts.

Ari was sent to bed with more bourbon. James and his Queen took off all of their clothes and swam out into the ocean. Hibiscus went to find Shinji and to question Voldie about what he's done to create amoeba!Draco. She knew the only way to get Voldie to talk was to have a pedicure. Shinji had healed from the last one - so he was game for another one. But he did think that if someone would just transfigure Voldie's paws into hands the whole ordeal would be a lot less painful.

***************************************************

The weather in Guam was terrible and it seemed no matter where the Knight Bus next traveled the weather was invariably horrid there too.

Stan Shunpike, erstwhile bus conductor, was suffering from laryngitis. Ernie Prang was hunched over with sciatica. Due to the inclement skies - neither had had even a second to down a cup of tea or wax poetic.

An old witch wrapped in about 300 feet of pink fuzzy muffler hopped on board in Minsk. "Las Vegas, please." She began to dig about in her purse, which was easily large enough for her to crawl into.

"Neva" hack "or" cough "New Mexi" hack/cough," Stan continued to make noises that indicated he might be about to bring up a lung. Ernie, who couldn't turn around with his bad back, interpreted for him, "Love, 'e wants to know which Las Vegas."

"Ah Nevada - You threw me a bit with that hacking." She pulled out her oddly red lacquered wand and held it to Stan's knobby Adam's apple. "Phlegmnos"

Stan cleared his throat - and the cough and laryngitis were gone. "Cor, that's a right 'andy spell. Ta, lovey. No charge" He pushed the sickles she was holding out back into her purse. When she was settled on one of the beds he brought her a mug of chocolate and a pink sparkly toothbrush.

The old witch asked Stan what his name was and small questions about his background, "Where did you see your first Quidditch Match? What was the first accidental magic you did? Which house were you in at Hogwarts?"

Stan chatted amiably with her until she looked ready to drop off and he wished her a pleasant rest. He went back up to the front of the bus and sat in his armchair thoughtfully gawping at the sleeping figure of a young naiad on her way to Finland. The old witch watched Stan watch the girl. She hadn't seen the look of absolute longing on a young wizard's face in many years and it warmed her cockles to see it. She muttered words under her breath and the nymph began to toss and turn. The girl sat up suddenly before Stan could look away and she motioned for him to come over to her. He stumbled nearly knocking his teeth out on the brass bedrails, "What can I do to you....er, for you? I meant what can I do FOR you?"

She pulled back the bedding and motioned for him to lie down. His jaw dropped and he began to sputter like non-starting lawnmower. She put her finger to his lips and pulled him down into the sheets that smelled like butterscotch.

The bus stopped in Leeds, Montreal, Nairobi, and Santiago before hitting Las Vegas - which it did quite literally. The witch sprang from her bed and smacked Ernie on the back ridding him of his sciatica. She cackled and opened the door and flew out even though the bus was stuck in a billboard several stories in the air. She floated to the ground like Mary Poppins - but she was most assuredly not Mary Poppins. She was Madame Fauteuil, a renowned psychic at the famous Las Vegas Wizard Casino The Lucky Stiff.

"Oi! The Obliviators are gonna ave an 'ell of a time." Ernie Prang was standing in the doorway watching the crowd of muggles gather on the street and point up at the purple triple-decker. He remembered when Stan had told Harry Potter, "They never notice nuffink," meaning muggles. Ern looked around for Stan and when he found him he turned red and screamed like an old goat. "Stanley Shunpike! Get out of that girl! Er.... Out of that girl's bed!"

The muggles were noticing the Knight Bus now. It was all over the Daily Prophet and the Red Light Tab. I heard a rumor that it even made the Swiss paper Le Chocolat Grenouille and they usually only report tips on storing your gold, on decorating your vault and the like.

Stan was given his month's wages and knew he was lucky to even get that. It wasn't the first time he'd been caught in bed with a female Knight Bus patron. It was the second, actually, but he hadn't gotten very far either time. Which was his fault as the girls had done everything to try to show him what needed to be done.

He found himself at loose ends standing in Diagon Alley with a month's wages and nowhere to go. He was considering going to the Leaky Cauldron and getting pissed when a fat wizard in a yellow and orange cloak knocked Stan to the ground as he hurried past. Stan was about to go after him and knock his block off - but a small gold thing glittered at his feet. Thinking he'd found a galleon he picked it up and as he squinted at the writing that clearly did not say "one galleon" he felt the tug behind his belly button that is common with active Portkeys.

Stan tumbled over and landed at the feet of a fat satyr with a crooked impish grin and an oily looking face. "Where in the name of 'Ell...."

"Young man, you are most certainly NOT the Minister of Magic." Silenus helped Stan to his feet.

Stan nodded dumbly. He wondered if someone had thrown a Halluci-hex at him. His cousin had stumbled into one of those once and Stan had always secretly hoped he would too one day. It sounded like an awful lot of fun. Behind the Satyr a group of nymphs started to gather. They were glowing faintly gold and smiling at Stan. They were slim and graceful like just opened poppies. Stan winked at them, "Ello, my lovlies."

Silenus was about to tell Stan to get the hell out or demand an explanation as to why he had the Minister's Portkey. But one of the nymphs whispered in his ear, "He's a virgin. Can't we have him for Sylvie?"

The clientele at the Naiad were generally older wizards - and a few middle-aged witches. Draco was a rare and welcome exception to the slightly wizened clientele. Stan looked like a fresh field to play in rife with morning dew and newly opened wild flowers. Nymphs are not as superficial as humans, and they are not bothered by small imperfections such as acne or bony chests. They saw Stan's wild raging desire - and that it was new and potent and overflowing. The nymphs rarely got excited or worked up about sex as it had taken on all the allure of filing papers - being an every day sort of thing. But reveling in something new and clean like the lust of this man barely out of childhood was exciting to them.

Silenus put on his thinking face - he liked Oenone to beg. He really had no power over the girls but it was to their benefit to keep him happy. She complied and dropped her robe to the floor and stood close to the old goat legged creature. In a whiskey and soda voice she added, "If we can have him you can say the blessing."

Silenus grinned. "Go to it then lassie! I haven't seen a good deflowering this age."

The Nymph Oenone laid her hand on Stan's arm and didn't seem to mind his eyes bugging out of his head while she talked to him. "Would you like to play with us?"

Stan nodded. Words were not forthcoming from his lips. The nymphs took him to the large center pool in the middle of the club. They removed Stan's clothing gently and with reverence. Each nymph kissed him gently on the lips and then Oenone took his hand and led him into the pool. They bathed him and anointed him with oils and unguents. Oenone stood in the warm water next to Stan who was reclining on a submerged chaise lounge and she motioned to one her sisters, "Sylvie bring the diadem."

Sylvie strode forward with a thin circlet of laurel leaves and placed it sweetly on Stan's head. She blushed for she too was an initiate and a virgin. The other nymphs sat at the edge of the pool and sang in voices that hung in the air like fragrant garlands. Silenus spoke a blessing over Sylvie and then over Stan.

"Children, learn this mystery well. Enter into this pleasure with joy. Never think of this with shame or guilt. May you always find love in the arms of another and not be alone, unless that is your choice."

He stepped back into the shadows to watch the holy rites. Not one pair of eyes left the lovers as they kissed each other and shivered with the first delights of carnal pleasure. There was nothing sordid as the others watched the pair learning to stimulate and satisfy each other. There was exultation and complicity and the lovers felt guided rather than spied upon. And each nymph felt her sister's climax when it was reached. It would have been a different situation if they had been witches - or muggles, but mortal humans think differently about sex - and in ways not always to their credit.

The deflowering had been literal and the pool was littered with open white lilies - petals stained with rust colored pollen. The nymphs entered the pool and laid a chaste kiss on both Sylvie and Stan's brows. They bathed them carefully and robed them. There was then a feast and potent dark wine. Stan lay with many other nymphs that night and learned much about how to touch a woman and how to find the secret places that make her squirm with delight. He learned more in one night than many learn in a lifetime.

At daybreak he was bathed again and robed in silver dress robes. The nymphs wore faun skins and crowns of pink rosebuds. They led him before the Queen who was cleaning out the new Royal Baths. Her sleeves were rolled up and she was directing scrub brushes with her wand like a conductor.

"Stanley Shunpike, I welcome you to The Red Light District. You may abide her with us. You have proved yourself worthy." She did not stop to greet him and she went on to explain that the baths were new - and the old ones had to be blown up as they had become infected.

Stan's jaw dropped. The Queen was like no one he'd ever seen before. She was small and slender like a young birch, but powerful. Her skin glowed from some unseen incandescent internal source.

"Stanley, would you like to be one of my loyal subjects?"

"Er....um." Stan felt wobbly. He shifted his weight back and forth uncomfortably and a buzzing in his ears made it impossible for him to think. Sylvie stood forwards and laced her fingers within his. "Your Smuttiness," she lowered her eyes as show of respect, "Perhaps he needs some time to adjust before he can make this decision."

"I will give him three days Sylvie. Bring him back to me at teatime on Friday. If he decides to stay you can bring him to the rave."

Sylvie knelt before the Queen and bowed her head. "Rise child. I know you love me as your Queen and elder but enough of this. You are one of us now. I saw you last night - you did wonderfully well."

Sylvie explained to Stan that he better learn about the RLD and sent him on a tour with Vchan. The Queen sent instructions for him to attend the school and that was where he met Malfoy.

The school is brilliantly situated above the Cloak & Codpiece pub. Draco was curled up in the window seat in the library clutching a cold cup of tea. He did not look up from his reading at all. He was about two thirds of the way through Prisoner of Azkaban when Stan was shown into the schoolroom and seated with a cup of hot tea and copy of Philosopher's Stone. At first Stan was distracted by the little gasps and squeals coming from Malfoy. But soon he was sunk in Book One and was startled when Draco ripped the book out of his hands. "Come have a pint."

Stan followed Malfoy downstairs to the pub, which was mostly, empty it being early-ish and most people still waking up and gearing up for the night's revelries. "You're Malfoy - why were you such a little prick to Potter? What crawled up your arse an died?"

"Well it was only that way in the book." Malfoy looked deep into his pint as one would into a scrying glass.

"Really?" Stan was munching on garlic crisps.

"Er - no - I was a prick to him in real life too."

"What for?"

"Cause he was such a poncy little nancy boy! What is so great about being Potter?"

"You do know about Voldemort?"

"Yeah - he gave me a pedicure yesterday."

"Let's see then..."

"Urgh, why did he paint those little glittery chicken heads on each of your toenails? I bet that hurt."

"Yeah, it was quite painful." Draco dropped his robes over his flip-flops. His toes were too ouchy to wear proper shoes.

"Well, there you go then. What's so great about Potter? He'd take that pedicure like a man and that is what so great about him." Stan got a far away dreamy look on his face.

"You fancy him!" Draco was pointing at Stan the way Christ pointed at Matthew when he called him into service.

"Who 'Arry Potter - you bet yer skivvies I do." Stan winked and Draco moved a little bit away from Stan.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist I wouldn't touch your bony arse for all the tea in China." Draco wanted to counter that his ass was perfectly lovely - but decided his ass would not be a prolonged topic of conversation if he could help it.

"Brilliant place this," Stan looked around and noticed a creature in magnificent fuschia robes and masterpiece of a hat. It was in fact a pimp hat replete with a large feather that changed colors every few seconds in a gentle fading transformation: emerald, to aqua, to blue, to plum, to vermillion, etcetera.

The witch pulled up a stool next to Draco, " 'Lo mates. Buy a girl a drink?"

"Course," Stan waved the publican over. "This lady would like a drink."

"Nebula, love what 'll you be havin'?" The publican was a rather grizzled creature with a strange swiveling pale blue eye and a face that seemed to have lost in a battle with a chainsaw.

"Constant vigilance!" Draco jumped up and shouted pointing at the man.

"Blimey!" The old man grabbed his chest. "What're you shouting about? Trying to scare me to death?"

"You're Mad Eye Moody." Draco was still standing and pointing as if he'd found slugs in his oatmeal.

"Alastor, I'll have an ambrosia sour. Hold the pixie dust." She gave Moody a look that said I'll calm him down and nodded her head in Malfoy's direction.

"Malfoy, I'm Nebula - the Web Comic Pimp." She held out her hand.

"Um, you're a what?" Draco shook her hand limply.

"I expected a more manly handshake than that Malfoy! How can you possibly have all these rabid fan girls with a handshake like that?"

"Er, Sorry. You're a pimp?" Draco nodded suddenly worried that she was going to try and recruit him and pimp him out to rabid fan girls. He started to clutch his bottom again but remembered Dudley Dursley doing the same in what he'd just been reading and stopped.

"Malfoy no one would ever mistake you for Dudley." She patted his hand.

Draco groaned and smacked his head on the bar. He'd totally forgotten about the Telepathy. Now he knew why the headmistress had sent that stick after him. He'd been thinking snarky things.

"Draco I am not that kind of Pimp." Moody set down her drink in a glass the shape of a full blown poppy and it looked remarkably like a flower except it was filled with a swirling white iridescent liquor. Nebula picked it up by its slender stem and tossed the drink into the air so that it flipped over six times. She caught it by the stem with her fingertips - the glass perfectly positioned as if she had done no more than tip it back to down the contents in a single shot.

"Three point eight seven second anti gravity charm and then down it goes. Nifty, huh?" She grinned at them.

They said nothing. They were deeply impressed but neither Stan nor Draco knew what to say.

Nebula motioned to Moody for another drink. She explained to Draco that Moody in the RLD was a bit more relaxed than the Moody he'd known back at Hogwarts. She started to explain how relaxing regular sex is when the look on Draco's face - like he'd swallowed a pin - made her stop. Draco thought about arguing that the person he knew hadn't been the real Moody anyway - but he realized reality was not something he wanted to discuss at present. Nebula read his thought and simply nodded. The three of them sat at the bar quietly and sipped their drinks. Draco's thoughts began to wander. He was trying to decide whether or not Hermione was up to something in Prisoner of Azkaban. How could she be getting to all her classes without some kind of help?

Nebula and Stan were having a conversation and even though Draco was sitting between them he didn't hear a single word of it. It occurred telepathically and it never occurred to Stan that he was communicating automatically with Nebula and that Draco was not. He noticed he could only get a vague read on the blonde man's thoughts. Stan knew he was thinking about something he'd read. Then he realized and he turned to Nebula and asked, Why can't I read his thoughts?

It takes time to learn to read the thoughts of someone who isn't projecting them. Your telepathic ability is weak and young - just learning how to walk on its coltish legs. Draco is not projecting. He keeps everything inward. This is what he needs to change - to unlearn if he wants to stay here. Will you help him?

Stan nodded but wasn't absolutely sure he knew what needed to be done.

Draco paid the bar tab and nodded at Nebula, "Stan I want to read some more. You coming?"

Stan nodded and made to follow Draco back upstairs when a swaying figure came in and knocked Draco to the ground. A short witch pounced on Draco's chest like an imp from a nightmare. Her eyes were unfocused and her hair in disarray. She smelled like a the Jameson Distellary if someone filled it with pickles. I don't know if you've smelled scotch and pickles. I don't recommend it.

Stan gawped. Not because of any of the things mentioned above. But because the witch looked exactly like Malfoy but with longer hair and a smaller frame. She hissed at him like an angry cat.

Draco was the color of old mashed potatoes. He stared at the creature. He closed his eyes. He knew if he opened them the thing would still be there because he could feel it sitting on his diaphragm. He opened his eyes and the face so very like his own was centimeters from his. He'd seen many things that had made him think he was mad during the last two days. But this was beyond the others. There was something malevolent in the creature's silver eyes. It meant to harm him.

He braced himself expecting a blow and was surprised when the thing that looke like him started to sob. It curled up in a little ball on his chest and cried like a child. Draco managed to sit up and when Nebula tried to remove the crying person from Draco he pushed her hands back. He managed to get to his feet and carried the crying thing upstairs. Nebula and Stan came behind with tissues and tea.

The three of them sat around the crying one - who had been deposited on a sofa. Draco would not let Nebula perform a cheering charm. "She needs to get it all out."

Nebula nodded and stood back. When the girl began to quiet. Nebula sat down next to her, "Sweetheart, who are you?"

"Neb - it's me!" Her silver imitation Draco eyes filled with tears.

"Ari? What in the name of Merlin's Jock strap?"

Ari began to sob again and Nebula sat with her as long as she could. Draco was too keyed up to read. He'd never given a second thought to anyone in distress unless he could use it to his advantage or amusement. But seeing someone who looked exactly like him in anguish hit a nerve deep down.

"Draco, I am going to do a sobering charm before I go - my show starts in ten minutes." She noted the look on his face, " Just a sobering charm. But if she doesn't calm down I want you to perform a cheering charm." Nebula waved her wand and muttered "Exvino."

Ari/Draco kept right on crying. Nebula patted her and apparated away. Stan stood in the corner looking shifty. After a half an hour had passed and Ari was still crying a little Stan reminded Draco to do the cheering charm.

"Not yet." Was all he said without looking away from the sofa.

Ari eventually drifted off to sleep and Stan was collected by Sylvie and taken off to her flat above the Naiad. Draco conjured up a blanket and tucked it around the girl and smoothed her tangled hair back from her face. He sat next to her on the sofa and put his hand protectively on her shoulder. He continued to read until his eyes started to droop.

I tip my cap to all the gorgeous reviewers. Don't argue! They all sent me pictures. I don't know how I got so lucky - but each and every single reviewer has a soul of singular beauty and a generous nature to leave such spiffing reviews on what started out largely as a joke!

List of most beauteous reviewers: (hands a chocolate to )Lavinia, Cle (schnoogles), (Glomps) Black Dog, Nebula Queen (just wait!), ravensnapepotter (waves, we miss you at RQ!), Fluffy Granger (waves & schnoogles), (glomps & schnoogles) Hibiscus, jenhuynh (lurk away or come out and play with us!), (glomps and hands flowers to) werechick, Ayla Pascal (here is Draco on a platter in a thong with a rose between his teeth. I know you WANT to pounce on him. Go ahead...), Ruth Creole (still waiting for bunnysuit!Draco pics?? ;) ), Tad2dPotter (can't believe you wasted your virgin Fiction Alley post on my fic!! Ta!) salazar stewart (FANBOY - note BOY not GIRL!) The Evil Overlordess (*snerk* there are TWO Switzerlands! And your screen name makes me think you could kick Voldie's white kitty ass!)

Special Thanks go to Cassie Claire, Ebony, Aja, Midnight Blue, Heidi, and Maya, for allowing me to massacre their earnest masterpieces, for making FA such a haven of magical lunatics, or writing fics so glorious I had to respond with contrived irony.

Serenity - what would I do without you?? **smooches!**

Coming in Chapter 3 (at least as far as I can tell) Draco learns the pleasure of giving. Ari!Draco is impaled on her own Mary Sue Sword. Draco reads Fanfic. Stan becomes a full fledged Sex God.