The Red Light District

Introduction to the Red Light District (see map of the RLD!)

There is another district in Diagon Alley that the likes of Molly Weasley doesn't want you getting into. Unlike Knockturn Alley one cannot just wander in a buy some old fingernails off a tray. The Red Light District is not open to those under the age of consent. You will not be admitted. Think Goblet of Fire - age line - but instead of a white beard you'll get a roving tattoo of a naked nymph holding a scroll, on which bright red letters proclaim "Too Young to Get into the RLD." The wizard who invented this charm - had a perverse sense of humor. And yes that rumor about the inappropriate goat charming was true. He rigged the tattoo to appear on one's forehead when nervous or being given the third degree by the old battleaxe. So watch it. Be warned.

All Ships are welcome to dock in our harbor. No SHIP is too squicky or slashy for us. It is fiction after all. Characters from fanon make appearances. All is meant in good humor. No offense is intended. I claim only to have put the words on the page - I have borrowed from everyone - no money is being made. I own nothing. Harry et al belong to Ms. Rowling. We will have them cleaned and pressed by Koji our laundry boy before returning them to her. Same goes for fanon property. If I have usurped your character take it as a compliment that I liked your work so much I invited him/her/it to play with us. I promise similar cleaning and stain removal for all borrowed items. If you still have your knickers in a twist I will write you a limerick and bake you a cake. Really.

This is a joint effort by the Random Questions Threads posters.

Prologue: Why a Red Light District? It's meta-fiction.

What is meta-fiction?

(A work of) fiction in which the author self-consciously alludes to the artificiality or literariness of a work by parodying or departing from novelistic conventions (esp. naturalism) and traditional narrative techniques.
-OED

I wondered what would happen if Cassie's Draco Veritas met Aja's Armchair Draco in the Red Light District for a Mai Tai? They'd compliment each other's sartorial flair. Then they'd get a private room. Don't be sad - you don't want to see it anyway. You wouldn't think it but it is actually weird to see alternate versions of Draco snogging. But that's what happens when the SS Handcuffs and Cream pulls into port chock full of Dracos. The RLD turns into a madhouse - crazed witches and wizards try to get an eyeful by knocking each other down. Then when they've seen the circus that is Draco, all they want to do is scrub their eyes with brillo pads. The dirt isn't coming off is it? Draco with anyone else is sexy. Draco and himself is erm - very nearly squicky. It is like a car crash - can't look away even when you want to. Yes, one Draco alone would be fine. But that isn't an option with a herd of them running about. They start with insults and end up chasing each other and there is a fair amount of bum pinching. In the end they raid Edge's Animal Suit Shop and fight over who gets to wear the black cat outfit. All the other Dracos have to wear bunny suits or nothing at all, unless someone has made a big batch of pudding. When that happens we shut the district down and go on holiday to Hampstead. Yes, even we have our limits and a gang of tiddly Dracos covered in pudding is enough to turn anyone off. Poor Edge has to stay behind with the bunny suits and to alleviate the trauma the Dracos have inflicted on the hobbit she keeps in her parlor. It takes a lot of seed cake to revive a molested hobbit.

I know some of you want to believe that an army of chocolate covered Dracos would be the ultimate delight. But it is too much of a good thing. No one can stand it. In short it hurts.

I was in Ashriel's bookshop today talking about the upcoming rave n' riot when I noticed all the Dracos were at last gone, and the SS Handcuffs &Cream had gone out to sea. There had been no pudding incident this time. The streets were empty of blonde men making snarky comments about each other's hair.

Too bad I thought. The rave would have been a terrifying experience with them about. But that's what I like in a rave - terror and good music. Yes, I have completely lost any grasp of reality and it is a pleasant floaty feeling.

"Where they headed then?" I was not so sorry to see them go. One Draco at a time for me please. Yes, the "floaty brain - no reality thing" makes my thoughts contradictory from one moment to the next. Too many damn Dracos call an exterminator! Then moments pass and **whine!** Where'd they all go?

"They decided to be pirates and look for boo-tay." Ashriel and I giggled.

"Yeah, they always did want to get their hands on some really big swords...," okay neither of us giggled because that just wasn't so funny. But if you live in the district you know that we sometimes discuss the merits of arched groin vaults or something serious like Neoplatonic Philosophy. One can't think about smut all the time. But we do think about it often. We like it. Lots. I took my new book "Make your own pasties from everyday household objects" and left Ashriel's with a friendly nod.

"Time for coffee." I made my way to the Smackdown Cafe and ordered a crackaccino, coffee with four shots of espresso in it. I love coffee. I sang to myself while waiting, "In my veins there isn't any blood - just coffee dark and syrupy like molasses." I make up my own very bad songs. The barrista never talks to us. She always lets me leave without a word - but I am careful to compliment her feather boa and tiara when I come in, so all is good. I know the rules.

On the way to my office I was so busy greeting the virginal white paper cup that I did not notice someone following me until a silver white rat leapt onto my shoulder maneuvering to dive into my coffee.

"Draco -damn it! I thought you were all gone."

The rat squeaked at me - and I think he might have said, "Hee Hee not all - you saucy wench - hand over your treasure or I'll make you walk the plank."

I opened my little employment agency and left an ashtray filled with coffee on my desk. The silver rat slurped it up. When he was half done he looked up at me with tiny dilated rat pupils and then started to drool.

Oh good it isn't even half past eight and I've destroyed Maya's rat. She'll have my scalp. I went to the first aid cupboard.

Plus the bloody Que... - um, I mean Her Imperial Smuttiness will have my head if she finds out. I'm not supposed to see her till the rave though and by then she'll be pickled as a newt. She hates it when we injure animals especially animals that are Draco Malfoy. She wasn't too happy with me after I turned all the bunny suits into real bunnies instead of cleaning them. My spell went wrong. Stupid floaty brain.

The rat began to have tremors. I've gotten like that too - all twitchy. He needs orange juice. I don't know why orange juice helps when you've o.d.'d but it does. I forced a few drops down his little ratty gullet. He looked up at me with all the vermin hauteur in the world and flounced back to the coffee. Eyes detached he started to twitch and I think - smile.

Can you see why one Draco at a time is enough? Yes, the bum pinching is fun to watch at first. But it gets old fast.