Nicole Stevens: Roses and Mistrust

Chp. 10-- In Which Nicole Wonders About the Future, and Is Forced to Answer A Difficult Question

------Written by M, we intend to start a band, M's the songwriter I give all credit to her. If you want more of her lyrics, e-mail me, and I'll get 'em to you, M came up with this in about five minutes. I know, I watched her write it. Sam's a lead vocal, as am I.

I'm the black against your white,

I'm the darkness of your light, your light, your light

I stand out when it's bright,

You don't blend when it's night....Yeah

I sit when you stand,

You call when I demand, I demand, I demand

I talk when you're quiet,

And I pretend not to mind it.....Oh no

You hang with the 'In' crowd,

I wanna' shout-out-loud, wanna' shout, wanna' shout

You go watch the game,

I go to the mall and hang....Yeah

You drive a fancy car,

I'm strummin' on my guitar, strummin' on, strummin' on

You're everybody's friend,

I never am in the end....oh no

I'm sittin' home alone,

You're talkin' on the phone, talkin' on, talkin' on the phone

You turn you're stereo on high,

I can only turn my head and sigh....Yeah-----

The End. Thanks to M.

Christmas was drawing near. There was a thick layer of snow covering the ground by now, and everyone despised the long treks down the lawn to Hagrids' cabin. I had decided not to return home. It wasn't worth the long train ride. I had owled my parents a letter saying that I wouldn't be home and that I was having a great time here. Though this wasn't entirely the truth.

Since the day of the match (it had been a rematch, Gryffindor had won 170 to 240), Harry and I had tried to forget what had happened. It was difficult, but Harry had finally decided to forgive and forget. I had apologized profusely for everything, even the things I hadn't done. Of course I hadn't told him about the train or detention (stop looking at me like that- I didn't tell him because he didn't ask), but the rest of it I had explained.

Parvati had been considerably colder to me since the 'incident'. I think that I might have offended her for some reason. Go figure. Lavender had been equally cruel to me, if not more so. I had indeed broken her nose, and it had been bruised for weeks. I wondered at her behavior though, I'd apologized, hadn't I? No, come to think of it, I hadn't. Then THAT was the reason she'd shredded all four of my goose-down pillows! Oh, well, that girl hadn't deserved an apology. Neither had Parvati, but she threatened to murder me while I was sleeping if I didn't. So, there you are!

Draco had kept well away, letting Harry's and my relationship mend. He hadn't stopped being a jerk to Harry, but he was respectful to me. Draco had seemed very distant of late, though; like he didn't see me, but saw things only he could see. We had continued working on our project, but often we would just trade the book between weeks.

It was only half a week until Christmas, and nearly time for the beginning of break. At the end of dinner Dumbledore stood up.

"As some of you may have noticed, the school list called for dress robes. This is because this year we are having a Yule Ball. I know it is out of the ordinary, but I feel that it is a good way to initiate inter-house relationships. Of course, you may invite someone from your own house, but it is not mandatory. Dress robes will be worn to the Ball. It will be from six 'o clock until midnight. All years are invited this year! Thank you." He sat down in his chair.

There was murmuring from all over the hall. Heads turned to gape at Dumbledore. Most of the faces were showing surprise and happiness, but for a select few, it was one of absolute horror. I looked at Dumbledore with no emotion. It hadn't surprised me, and really shouldn't have surprised anyone else. I noticed Harry looking at me, his eyes asking the unsaid question.

"Yes, Harry. I'll go to the Ball with you. I wouldn't dream of going with anyone else."

"I thought you would, I just wanted to check, you know, just to make sure."

"Oh, Harry give it up! I didn't mean any of it. Now, please stop pestering me. I thought you were over it."

"I am. I am!" he repeated at the skeptical look on my face. "But bugger it if I'm going to just forget it ever happened. Am I still allowed to question you sometimes? It's not that I don't trust you. I do entirely. But, it's that I don't want to lose you, ever." My face burned with embarrassment, even though no one had been listening to us. Everyone had learned just to ignore us when we were on the subject of 'that day', as it had come to be called by the Gryffindors.

"I know Harry. I don't want to lose you either." He put a comforting arm around my shoulders, and I was content, for the time being. But had I looked up just then, I would have seen Draco look sadly down at his plate. Luckily though, I was oblivious to the moods of anyone else.

I walked with the rest of the Gryffindors up to Gryffindor tower after dinner. Instead of staying in the Common Room and listening to Lizzie's chatter, I walked wearily up to my room. Neither Parvati nor Lavender were in the dorm, but Katharine was. She was the one person, besides Lizzie and Hermione that is, that had consoled me in my distraught state last month.

Katharine was sitting on her bed, painting her fingernails, and listening to her Wizard Wireless (it was playing a song by the Weird Sisters). I walked over to her and she looked up, "Nicky, need to talk?"

"Not this time, no. Why?"

"You look sad. Like you've been wearing yourself out, trying to keep your emotions hidden." This girl should become a shrink. She was perfect at analyzing people. Katharine could probably have even unraveled the complex workings of Draco's mind.

It had surprised me the first day I'd met her, when I'd come up the stairs to the dorm for the first time. She had said 'Hi, I'm Katharine. Nice to meet you. Are you unhappy?' and I had just stood staring blankly at her. I hadn't been feeling too great after the train ride, after Draco. So, from that instant on, she had been able to read me like a copy of 'TeenWitch Weekly'.

I realized suddenly that I hadn't answered her yet, so I tried to think of a good excuse to cover up my silence.

"Sorry Katharine, I was thinking about my dress robes," I lied. "I think they need to be taken in a couple of inches. But, I've been feeling fine. I haven't been wearing myself out." This was a lie, too. I hated to lie to her, because I knew that she knew if it wasn't true.

"Okay," she said resignedly, going back to her nails. "But remember, Nicole, I'll always be here if you need to talk."

"Yeah, sure. Who're you going to the ball with?" I changed the subject abruptly.

"Oh, I don't know yet. I think I'll ask Dean." She always loved to do things her way. Actually, she had a good chance with Dean. Katharine's long brunette hair and delicate features made her desirable. The one reason a guy might not want to go out with her, was that she could tell what you were feeling. This tended to make her a little bit forward, but usually it wasn't a problem.

"I'm going w-"

"Harry," she finished. I raised my eyebrows and she explained, "Come on Nicky! Everyone saw you two at dinner. I mean, the look he was giving you was something to the extent of 'I wouldn't mind if I died a virgin, because she's here with me'. How could you not go with him? He was looking at you like you were all he could see. And, you should go with that idea. I mean, he's trusted you this far, after all you've done. And-" I sniggered, trying to turn it into a cough. "And Harry is really determined to keep you."

"Keeping me? Keeping me! Oh, wow, I'm a possession now, am I? Look, I'm Harry's. I'm all his. He has no competition. None whatsoever."

"Oh, really? From what I've heard, he's got BIG competition. It's him verses Malfoy, again. Now, look, I know you want to pretend it's not true, but guess what, it IS."

"I'm not PRETENDING about anything! I am solely Harry's! Leave me alone about it. I know I made mistakes. I know I screwed up badly. If I could I'd go back and change it, but-"

"But you wouldn't. If you had it all to do over, you would make the SAME mistake. Or, you'd change it so that you were with Malfoy," she added as an afterthought.

"I wouldn't," I spluttered. "I'd never! How could you suggest that?"

"Because it's true," she stated firmly. I stared open-mouthed at her before stalking over to my bed and flopping down angrily on the covers. I pulled the draperies around me, shutting everything out.

She's right, a little unwelcome voice commented.

Shut it, you!

But I'm your conscience, my dear girl. This is my job. I have to pester you with what you'd rather not think of. All good consciences go about and do this. Well, not dear Katharine's, because she's pure and chaste all the way through. Now you, on the other hand, are very different. I know what you've thought. Sometimes, at night, you'd mutter 'Draco' in a very passionate and loving voice.

Bug off! I thought fiercely. You have no right! This is my mind, and I order you to get out.

Oh, but I am not done being thoroughly irritating, dear. Of course, I'd rather be in Mr. Malfoy's head, just to see. But, you are mildly entertaining, so I suppose I'll stick with you. I am enjoying this, though.

Enjoying this? You are enjoying this!? You little-

My dear girl, this is no time for name-calling. I am simply helping you to find the better you.

Too bad, I thought, I don't have a better self. If I did, then I'd be just peachy. Heck, I might even be downstairs, sitting in Harry's lap!

Oh, don't refrain, my dear! Go on ahead! I'd love to be there, reminding you that you'd rather it be D-

"Shut up!" I yelled into the silence.

"I DIDN'T say anything!!!" Katharine yelled testily.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean you. I was telling myself to shut up. Sorry for disturbing you."

Mwahahahahahahah, the voice laughed meanly.

Oh, you evil little-

My dear, I am not evil. If I were evil, I wouldn't be in your mind. I'd be with someone who wasn't evil. You, my dear child, are the evil one. I am the sane, good one. You are the evil, lying one.

I am NOT evil! AND I happen to be perfectly sane! But if you'd fu-

Please don't use profanity. I know how that thought would have ended, it stated primly.

You satanic demon! Is that better?

Much.

Alright, well, with all due respect, would you please go to he-

No swearing, my dear.

Right, then, please go away.

As you wish.

I lay back down and sighed. The voice had been right, sort of. I knew I wasn't evil. I loved Harry, but I wasn't sure exactly how I loved him. I wasn't sure I was in love with him. Now Draco was a different matter. I knew he was dangerous. I knew he could turn on me at any moment. I knew what he was capable of.

Draco could hurt me in more ways than one. He could hurt me physically, which was likely to happen no matter what, even unintentionally. He could hurt me emotionally, which I knew he tried to avoid, but still. He had the power to hurt me so much.

Harry was entirely different. He wouldn't put his hands on me if it would be painful to me. He wouldn't dream of emotionally scarring me, though it happens. And he wasn't dangerous, like Draco. He had so much to offer me that Draco didn't.

Draco could offer me many things Harry never could. He would be able to give me anything I ever wanted. He could protect me, which Harry could do, but there was the ever constant threat of Voldemort to him. Draco offered all the romantic fantasies, and a little more. He was just near perfect. He was smart and cunning, dangerous and powerful, and he could be tender, at times. Harry offered most of these qualities, but he still left room for wanting.

I hadn't even taken off my shoes when I fell asleep. Little did I know, that I wasn't the only one weighing choices that evening........

=============

I woke up after only five hours sleep. Something was nagging at the edge of my brain. It was like what you feel when you've forgotten to pack something on a long trip. I pulled back the hangings around my bed and stood up. My new alarm clock (mind you, it was the same style as the last, mwahahahaha) said the time was one 'o clock. I rubbed my eyes and walked to my trunk.

I rummaged through it and dug out Draco's cloak. I pulled it on, and fastened the silver chain at the throat. Then I grabbed my wand and headed down the stairs to the Common Room.

In here, the fire had died down to a few smoldering embers. No one was up now, thankfully. I made my way past chairs and forgotten school bags to the portrait hole. I pushed it open and stepped out. "Lumos," I whispered into the darkness. The tip of my wand lit up, and I made my way down the hall.

It was eerie in the dark. Statues seemed to loom suddenly out of the shadows in front of me. I turned left and walked down the marble staircase. Too bad no one had mentioned Filch. If I'd known about him, I would have stayed in bed, but no! Of all the people Harry had told me about, he just had to forget to tell me that Filch roamed the halls at night!

I tripped over my untied shoelace, and stumbled down a stair. I heard a hiss from near my feet. There was a cat sitting on the step below. It was looking at me with mistrust. I leaned down and scratched it behind the ears. The tabby cat mewed and licked my hand. I had always been a cat person.

"Where are you, my sweet?" came Filch's voice from the landing above me. I realized that this was his cat. It mewed, and I began running down the stairs, away from the sound of his voice. My shoes slapped loudly on the marble stairs, I didn't slow down though. I kept running. Before long I was out of breath. I saw the front doors ahead and shoved them open.

Upon stepping out I was met by the harshly cold winter air. It blew my hair into my face. I closed the door behind me and trudged down the front lawn. I was heading towards the lake; to the tree that I'd leaned on with Harry, before anything had caused his mistrust of me. When I had not betrayed his love.

"I-I didn't betray him," I spluttered to the night air. "I didn't." It was no problem convincing the starry sky, or even the air, but it was the dark that seemed to reject me. It just loomed over, ignoring what I'd said. Ignoring me altogether.

I suddenly realized how alone I was. I was utterly and completely on my own. It wasn't just being outside alone, but it was being alone in the world. In life. Harry wouldn't understand that no matter how often he was around me, he would never be able stop the waves of loneliness that washed over me. Draco might be able to. But, it was very unlikely that he would understand my problem. Unless-- no, he just wouldn't understand.

As I came closer the tree, I saw someone sitting at the roots. As I neared, Draco raised his eyes to mine. I realized now the feeling I'd felt. It was the ring. His ring had called me to him. Draco needed me. Needed my help.

I walked over and kneeled beside him. He had his knees drawn up to his chin with his hands clasped around them, and was looking younger than I'd ever seen him. His grey eyes looked up into mine. They mirrored what I'd been feeling moments ago. He was feeling alone, abandoned, but there was another-and even sadder-- emotion hidden deep beneath the cold, stony gaze.

"Draco, I know how you feel," I whispered, my breath rising in steam.

"No, you don't."

"Alright, then. I don't."

"What?" he asked, concealing his surprise, but I knew him well enough to be able to tell what he was feeling.

"I said that I didn't know, then."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you told me so."

"Maybe I was lying," he suggested.

"Maybe you were," I replied, sitting next to him. "You want to know what I think?" I asked, looking at him.

"No." He continued looking at the black lake.

"Well, too bad, because you're going to hear me out anyway. I think I do know how you feel. And do you know how I know that?"

"Enlighten me," he mumbled wearily.

"Alright, I will. You told me so."

"And when did I tell you this, pray tell?"

"You told me when the ring called me to come out here. That was my first sign. My second sign was when I looked into your eyes, I-"

"Couldn't stop yourself from staring into them, because they mesmerized you with their depth and handsomeness?" he asked with a spark of personality.

"No, you prat. I saw that you were feeling the same as I had." But what else was he hiding? What didn't he want me to find out?

"Now I'm a prat? Oh, dear, you've taken me from being an insufferable git! What shall I ever do?" he mocked. "Look, go away, I don't need you."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Maybe, maybe not. How would you know?" he looked over at me.

"And why would you assume that I did know it's a lie?"

"You're not making sense," he told me in a whisper.

"I happen to be making perfect sense. You just don't get it."

"Apparently not," he muttered. "Explain it in less than ten words, and I'll listen."

"Fine. I was feeling like that and you were lying," I counted each word as I said it. "There! That's only nine."

"No, it was ten. 'Fine' counted."

"No it didn't!" I said in indignation. He was cheating me out of this.

"Ah, but it did. So, I don't have to listen to you anymore," he stated. "Now, please go away. I came out here to be alone. In order for me to be alone, you'd have to leave."

"Okay, Draco. If you don't want me to stay, then I'll go," I stood up. I knew exactly what his reaction would be once I'd walked a couple of steps.

"Good thing." What?! That WASN'T what I had planned for him to say. I ignored him and began to trudge through the snow, up to the castle.

"Fine, Malfoy," I called not looking back, and using his last name instead of his given. I made it up to the doors, and still no reply from him. Oh, well, maybe he didn't need my help, and if he did, then too bad for him. He had turned me away, when I'd been nice to him- I wasn't going to keep trying. Oh no, I wasn't going to try again. That was it! I had done the same to him. I had turned him away (in the dungeons, etc.), after all he'd done for me, and he wasn't going to keep trying. Well, there was another thing to add to the 'Hey, look, I screwed up BIG (AGAIN)!' list.

I pushed open the doors and went into the warm entrance hall. I paused for a second, attempting to get sufficiently warmer. I had begun to go up the stairs when I heard Snape's voice.

"So, Argus, you say someone was here, running? And you're positive it wasn't that bloody poltergeist?"

"Yes, Professor." I turned around and tried to tiptoe back down without making a noise. Too bad there was that suit of armor there, wasn't it? I hopped off the last stair, right into the armor.

"There's someone down there!" Filch triumphantly yelled. I turned and ran. I ran down the corridor until I was out of breath. Apparently, though, there was a short cut Filch knew of. I heard him talking further down the hall. The door beside me opened, and a hand covered my mouth as somebody pulled me inside. It was dark inside this....broom closet? I heard the person's heartbeat as I leaned against his chest.

"Hello again Nicole," Draco greeted me.

"IydnlgofmiIlbityu," I grumbled.

"Excuse me, dear?" he asked sweetly. I bit his hand and he removed it from my mouth. "I told you to let go of me or I'd bite you. Now, let me go," I ordered. He was holding me back against him.

"No, I don't really want to," he whispered. "It's kind of nice, don't you think?"

"Yes, I do think, but NO I don't think this is nice. Now let go," I commanded him firmly. He didn't move, except to hold me closer.

"No, I don't think I will."

"I don't have to 'think' you will. I happen to KNOW you will. I'll scream if you don't," I threatened.

"I'm willing to bet you'll be screaming anyway. And besides, they'll find us if you do. He was right, of course. But, I could always lie couldn't I?

"Screaming anyway? I'm not sure what you mean."

"Let me elaborate," he whispered. He kissed my neck softly once. I tried to pull away from him, but he pulled me back roughly. Draco turned me around and pushed me back into the wall. So, I guess he was going to keep trying. He stood in front of me, his hands on either wall beside me. I looked furiously up at him.

"I am beginning to hate you!"

"Yes, well, I am dreadfully sorry. If you'd just listen to me, you'd understand."

"Too bad I don't listen then, isn't it?" I replied, my voice laden with sarcasm and pent up frustration.

"Well, if you've never listened before, that's fine. Just listen to me now. I-"

"And why should I? Just so you can tell me Harry's a jerk?" I shot back.

"No. I've done that already. And besides, we all know that by now. But," his voice softened, "I love you." I stood back against the wall. How many times had I heard him say that? (Don't answer that, I know you'd be nagging at me because I had spied.) Too many times. In dreams, in reality, even in writing; it was still the same message.

"I know you're being the devoted, caring girlfriend to Potter, but tell me the truth; do you love me?"

"I can't-I won't-" I stuttered. He brushed a hair out of my face, his fingers barely touching my skin.

"Do you love me?" he asked again slowly.

"It's not that simple, I can't just-"

"It's as simple as I make it out. Do you love me?"

Well, I thought, he's not really making it simple for me.

"Don't make me answer that," I pleaded. "I'll do just about anything if you don't."

"No. Now, I want the truth. I don't care if your answer is 'I'd rather love a fire-breathing dragon'."

"Well, though you certainly don't breathe fire, you are 'dragon'. You know," I decided that maybe humor could get me out of this mess (fyi: Draco=dragon in latin).

"True. Answer me."

"No."

"No you don't love me?" he asked, managing not to look even the slightest bit crestfallen.

"I won't answer your question," I stated.

"Which one? I'm wondering at your answers."

"Either. I'm going to bed now." I tried to struggle out of his grip, only causing him to hold me tighter. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage getting away. He wouldn't willingly let go of me, and I couldn't force him. He had the entire advantage.

"I'll let you, but only when you answer me; truthfully."

"I love you," I whispered. Then I pushed past him and went out the door. He stood there looking after me. I instantly thought of famous line (Shakespeare, right?) 'O woe is me', only I was the modern one; 'Oh, my life sucks, really.'

I ignored everything around me as I walked upstairs. It was probably for the best, as there were some couples arriving, back from the Astronomy Tower (nah, there WASN'T a lesson tonight), and most of those people were either missing their shirt, or, for a select few, their pants. I thought I saw Blaise Zabini with her shirt half off, walking arm in arm with Mark Nott, but in the dim torchlight, I couldn't be sure.

Oh, and there was Erin H., a seventh year Slytherin girl, who wasn't actually with anyone, but I doubted she had been alone very long. Erin was known for her ability to charm guys. She used it on every boy within a fifteen meter radius, which caused her to have about seven or eight boyfriends at a time. And her charming personality (yeah, but she's still a Slytherin) worked most of the time. Erin could chat-up just about any one. And THERE was that Ravenclaw girl, Samantha K.! It was well known to everyone that she was head over heels for Draco. And let's face it, who wouldn't be? He had great hair, an awesome body, and wit to rival the powerful Salazar Slytherin himself. Sam really didn't have a chance with Draco, and nor did her friend 'M', as everyone called the Hufflepuff (M's not dense, and she's not a duffer either, she's actually really smart, like Sam, but not as smart as Sam, so don't insult her, or I'll get you back!). Sam was alone as well, but she had probably been trying to find the Slytherin Common Room (a fruitless search for her, it seemed).

And to complete the bunch, there was M herself. M was also nicknamed 'AR' but she was only widely known as M. M was not alone. She was walking with Landen Diggory, although they both were fully dressed. M and Landen had been going out for a while now, and it was rumored he took her out to watch the moon, which would be inconvenient if they had spotted me, but it seemed as if all they could see was each other. It was a real romance for the sixth years.

Where will all these people be in ten years? I asked myself. Zabini will be aging well, despite smoking a pack of 'WitchBrand' every day. Erin would be hanging in pubs, chatting-up guys, as always. Sam would be longing for Draco; while she sat and listened to her muggle CD (she was muggle-born). And, most likely, M and Landen would be married and planning a future. And while Landen was out, M would be sitting on the couch in Sam-girl's house with her, jammin' to Avril Lavigne (as she wrote her own songs) and reminiscing about their Hogwarts days. But where will I be? I asked silently.

I don't know, my dear. I don't know.