Cross My Heart

Here's a song to those who are gone with never a reason why / And a toast of the wine to the end of the line / And a toll of the bell for the next one to die~ Phil Ochs, A Toast to Those Who Are Gone

Yo Diary,

Amy and I got tattoos today. You remember my friend Jens from the Deutschland expedition who told me that when I decided what I wanted he'd do it for me? He moved to Salem, so Amy and I went over there and got them done. We got roses, a red one for me on the inside of my wrist and a pink one for Amy on her wrist. Then we both got crying J's on our left hips. That stung like a bitch. Jens was laughing at me and I bitched him out and then he laughed harder. Amy literally read a book the whole time. She says she can't feel it if she doesn't see it. The girl is crazy when it comes to needles. I was surprised that she wasn't totally wigged out. Maybe she's used to it by now. She does have some good horror stories. It's like there's a new one every time she goes to the doctor.

Once we were done we went down to the cemetery. It was rainy and wet and there was mud everywhere. It should have been great.

Except for the fact that that stupid bitch killed herself so that I had to spend my perfect rainy day in a goddamn cemetery.

Oh, whoops, sorry.

The really shitty thing is that rainy days are our thing- were our thing. I mean, the three of us would always go out and play like damn fools in the rain, right out in the middle of the street, no matter how cold the rain was or whatever. Amy always prattles on about how books talk about things like "warm spring rain".

There's no such thing as a warm rain. Rain is cold. Cool, but cold.

Yeah, there was no dancing today. Amy and I just kind of stood there a while, staring at the rock they planted above her.

Grave stones are ugly. Note to whoever reads this when I'm dead: burn me and then donate a park bench with a nice nameplate to someplace. I'd rather grow flowers in Tahiti when I'm dead than be a decaying-flesh-worm-farm. Plus, then maybe some homeless guy will fall asleep on the bench that has my name on it and have my name pressed backwards into his face for an entire day. Hehe.

Amy and I brought flowers. Roses, what else? Red ones, for me, yellow and pink roses for Amy, and soft purple roses for her.

I have a bruise on my arm. I got it when I tried to knock over the headstone. We were just standing there, and I got so angry, and then I was flying at that damn thing, trying to break it, and Amy pulled me off and we were on the ground, in the mud and sod and rain and roses. She started screaming at me, asking me what I was doing.

"Killing her again!" I screamed back. I hated her, and I told Amy that. I hated her more than anything. She was a fucking coward. What they hell was her goddamn problem? Why didn't she tell me?

Why didn't I just...I don't know. I knew. I should have done something. I saw it. I saw what was coming, and I did jack shit. It was my fault, that I did nothing...

But Amy was here! Amy was here every goddamn day! Why in God's name didn't she do something? Didn't she see?

I said that to her, I did, and she was furious with me. That and I kinda accused her of being to wrapped up in her own little world to pay attention to her.

I thought she was going to kill me. Course I kinda wanted her to.

She started yelling back at me, saying all this stuff about how she tried to be there for her, but that she wouldn't listen, that she knew she should have done more for her but she just didn't think, that she'd give anything, but that there was nothing...

And we cried. We just sat there in the rain and cried.

I had missed Amy so much. I miss Joy.

Amy said I looked ridiculous with all the holes in my head. I told her that she needed to try to match her clothes. She replied that it must be very easy for me to match my clothes when everything I owned was black. I then told her that she had to stop studying so much. She just smiled, and said that without me and J, what else was she supposed to do?

Amy and J are-were?- a lot alike. Only Amy she's happiness and beauty everywhere, and Joy...couldn't.

I envy Amy. She sees everything with such perfect clarity. She's so smart and inquisitive and everything. And she's such a complete dork but I love her to pieces even if she doesn't know how to act in front of strangers. And she's going to be so gorgeous when she figures out how to buy clothes in her own size and color pallet.

Note to whoever reads this: Cool winters should not, under any circumstances, wear mustard yellow. It's just a bad, bad idea.

Joy knew how to dress. True, she favored turquoise and fuschia vinyl, but she had style. Amy dresses like Kurt Cobain. And I had to explain to her who he was. The girl is clueless. She's great.

We sat there in the mud a while, staring at Joy's stone. "Bitch," I said at last.

"Yeah," Amy agreed. Then she said, "And I hate you too." I looked at her, all surprised. Amy often said things about people like that, but she never carried grudges. She never really hated anyone. There were things she disliked in people, but she would never hate a person. "You're going to leave me too," she said, replying to my look. Maybe she had learned a thing or two about reading people. "You're going to go back out on your grand adventures and save the world, and I'm left here with my books and friendlessness and the ugly clothes and beauty ineptitude and my mom's soft rock and stuff, and you're going to be with people."

I told her that she could make more friends, that she was a great person, but she just shook her head. "I don't make friends, Miv. I just don't. You were always the outgoing one. You and J were always the crazy kids. I just kinda came along for the ride."

"You're going to be great, Am," I told her that. "I mean, you're done. You're taking college classes now. You're going to be rich and successful with all kinds of wonderful things. I'm just following around some jack-off twit for the rest of my life."

Amy smiled sadly but didn't say anything. She really is so lonely. I'd tried to push Michael toward her, and he likes her enough, but she's just so shy. I think she's got a little crush on Mikey too. Hell, he is pretty hot, for a brother. And Am's like me. She goes for the piercings. Mike got both his ears done, and he's got these silver hoops through them, like mine only more masculine and less numerous.

"You could come to England," I said suddenly. I really wanted her to come to, you know? I don't want to let her go. I mean, she's all I've got left, besides the siblings.

"Is that where you're going next?"

"Well, we haven't been told yet."

"But you know."

Amy knows all about the Sisterhood. I told her and J everything. Amy also knows about the visions. She knows they're getting stronger. I told you how I'd seen, just yesterday, that giant ugly bird of Rhonwen's fly through the window and give Fizz our summons. I know we were going to Wales, then Scotland. I'm terrified she'd drop Bill. Fizz is high-strung enough to freak out like that.

Amy said she couldn't come to Hogwarts. Her parents wouldn't know what to do without her, really. Amy's an only child, and her mom's been really sick. Like mine, only not quite as crazy. Well, actually Amy's mom's kind of psychotic, but we both know that my mom's just plain crazy. Amy's mom's naturally like that. Mine...degenerated.

Besides, with Amy's studies, she has to stay. She's got a full ride at Salem Institute's university, and that's the best school in the country. Hell, she'll probably be done before I finish Hogwarts.

If I finish Hogwarts.

I don't care if Hogwarts is in Scotland. I'm going to die.

Amy's going to kill me, if I do that.

"You'll be careful, right Maeve?" She sounded so tiny when she asked me. Amy's such a little kid sometimes, and I mean that in the best way. It's the way she makes you feel helpless against her, like she needs you desperately and you'd do anything to help her. She give you these big googly eyes and you just melt. "Write me always?"

"Always, Amy."

We got up to go, and I heard her say something to J. "See you later, Joyous."

And I couldn't help but think to myself, "See you soon, J-bird."

Michael came running up to us when we reached the gate. Mom had been looking for me. I had told her where I was going to be. Crazy woman can't remember a damn thing. Amy shrank behind me when she saw Mike. She so wants him. Too bad he's coming to Hogwarts too. Dad thinks Mom will get better without all our rabble-rousing.

When he asked us if we were okay, he glanced at Amy a bit. She did look pretty good. She was wearing blue. She looks great in blue. That and she was wet. Doesn't hurt.

Mike is such a guy.

Wonder if there are good guys at Hogwarts. Maybe Hafiz will let me find out.

Mike and I started for home, but Amy pulled me back a moment. I thought she was going to ask me something about Mike, but what she said gave me chills. "Are you going to die, Maeve?"

I tried to tell her no, but she didn't believe me.

"Will you tell me when you know you're going to? I don't want to leave you alone. Not like Joy."

I just nodded. She hugged me tight. "And don't let any dirty British girls with bad teeth at your brother. I want him in one piece for my turn."

"How'd you know-"

"Like you'd spend a year without them of you could, Maeve. For all your bitching about your family, you love them to pieces."

She knows me too well. I'm going to miss her again.

I miss Joy more. She should have gotten a rose tattoo too.

Peace out, diary.

Dear Hermione,

I can't believe your parents actually let you go visit that git Krum. I mean, he's four years older than you! Honestly, Hermione, he's just strange. Plus, he's from Durmstrang. You know that they're all just going to sign up with You-Know-Who now that he's back. It's dangerous, Hermione. What if he turns you over to the Death Eaters? Plus, he's too old for you. I mean, he's nineteen now! That's just gross! What does he want with a girl your age? He's just going to turn you into some kind of scarlet woman.

Maybe when you're done entertaining Vicky you can come grace us with your presence at the Burrow. Honestly, nobody's going to try and take advantage of you here. Well, Fred and George might try and feed you some strange things. Some idiot actually gave them money to make more jokes. Can you believe that? Well, they didn't actually say so, but there's no way that they had enough money to make all this stuff themselves. Ginny and I have been turned into parrots, peacocks, and porcupines just in the past week. Percy got turned into a gerbil for an entire day. That was funny.

Mum wants you to come visit too. She's worried about you going to visit Vicky by yourself. She says that there's one thing a guy like that wants from a girl, and it isn't anything good. Plus, Bulgaria isn't safe now. I mean, it isn't THAT far from Albania, and who knows what allies You-Know-Who's got around there.

Bill's moving back home. Well, back to England at least. I heard him telling Mum that he probably wasn't going to live at the Burrow. She was livid, asking him what was wrong with the Burrow and whatnot. He was going on about how it was dangerous to have us all in one place and he was going to be doing some dangerous stuff for Dumbledore, plus his Gringotts work and that he wouldn't be home much anyways, and plus he'd gotten used to his own space. But I heard him telling Charlie he'd met some woman in Egypt who he was going to ask to move up to England with him. Said she was a tutor or something and travelled around the world with her student. Charlie was trying to get details out of Bill, but Bill wasn't telling. He hadn't asked her yet, anyhow.

Ginny and I have actually started our homework. There's really not much else to do. Well, I've been trying to get Ginny to come out and practice Quidditch, but she won't until I've worked on my homework with her for an hour. She's such a brat. I mean, if I'm going to make the house team this year I need to practice! And Ginny's got a good arm on her. I could make Keeper, I think, but I can't practice by myself. I'm a little afraid of asking Fred and George for help. They'd probably pelt me with apples until I fell of my broom.

My broom is awful.

Ginny wrote you a letter too. I've put it in here, and no, I did not read it. She wouldn't let me. Said she wouldn't practice with me all week if I read it.

Anyway, if you really do end up going to Bulgaria, even though you shouldn't, don't get killed. Who'll help me through the O.W.L.'s if you don't? And don't say Harry. Harry in no way motivates me to study.

Right then. Write me back. Write me everyday if you go to Bulgaria. Then I'll know you aren't dead. Or dying. Or captured. Or critically injured. Or being tortured. Or held hostage. Or being- right. Just write me back.

Your friend,

Ron

Dear Hermione,

Are you really going to Bulgaria to see Victor? Ron almost had a fit when he heard. Actually he did have a fit. He shouted for a good half hour before Mum finally shut him up, and then he started telling her about Victor, horribly skewed of course, and now she's all worried about you. I managed to tell her that Victor's really very nice and everything, so I don't think she'll send a letter to your parents warning them about Victor. I'm sure you can take care of yourself.

Ron is such a prat. All he talks about is you and going to Bulgaria and how much he hates Victor. It's hysterical. He does talk about Harry sometimes, particularly when he gets a letter. Harry's letter's have been really short, it seems. Of course he isn't writing me, but I've seen the letter's Ron gets from him. Haven't read them, but they look to only be about a paragraph long. Nothing like the novels that Ron writes to you.

Of course, Harry doesn't have a crush on Ron.

Do be careful in Bulgaria, though. I'm sure you'll be safe with Victor and his family, but, well, you know.

Have you heard much from Harry? Is he doing better, do you think? Mum's really worried about him.

Fred and George got a bunch of money from someplace, and now they're wreaking havoc on the whole house. It's awful. Awfully funny. You know, I bet you anything it was Harry who gave them the money. Who else would have money just lying around Hogwarts like that? Do you think he gave them the money from the Tournament? I can't imagine he'd really want to keep it.

Will you come visit later in the summer, after you visit Victor? It would be nice to have some one to talk to other than these stupid brothers of mine.

I have to go play Quidditch with Ron now. I refuse to play with him until he's done an hour of work with me, but we already did that this morning. You should be proud.

Have fun in Bulgaria, and write me to tell me how it goes!

Love,

Ginny

Dear Ron,

You great prat! Honestly. His name is VICTOR, and he's a perfect gentlemen, and he would never force me to do ANYTHING against my will, unlike SOME people I could mention. And, yes, I AM going to Bulgaria, ALONE, and no, I will not be getting, hurt, killed, maimed, cursed, taken, kidnapped, tortured, drowned, strangled, beaten, hexed, or injured or violated in any other way. And you can tell your mother that Victor's parents will be there the whole time and that they wrote a very nice note inviting me to visit. So I will be FINE!!!! You never had a problem with him before, you know. All last summer it was Krum this and Krum that. You were so excited when he came to Hogwarts. He's a NICE PERSON! You're just a jealous prat.

I'm glad you're getting your school work done. I've already finished everything, but Victor and I are going to be spending a day at the Durmstrang library, so I'm sure that I'll find loads more to add.

The school brooms really aren't that bad, Ron. I'm sure you could make Keeper on one of those. You know more about Quidditch than almost anyone else in our year, so I'm sure you'll make it.

And who in their right mind would give Fred and George money to make more jokes? Poor Percy. I hope he's not too behind on all his work, what with his unscheduled transformation.

I'll only be in Bulgaria for a week. I repeat, I will be FINE!!! Just leave it alone, Ron.

I'm glad that Bill's found a nice girl. Will we get to meet her this summer? What does she teach? How old is her student?

I'll ask my parents if I can visit you toward the end of the summer, but only if it's okay with your mum and ONLY if you leave me alone about Victor.

Love,

Hermione

Dear Ginny,

God, Ron is so obnoxious. Three-quarters of his letter was telling me that Victor was going to get me killed. I'm glad you set your mum straight.

I didn't really want to go see Victor, really, but both he and his parents wrote mine these lovely invitations asking me to stay, and my parents thought that it would be a nice experience. I like Victor well enough, but not the way he likes me. So I'm only going for a week, and at the end I'll say that I like him, but I'm really too young to have a relationship with him, or something.

Do you think that Ron could make the House Team? He'd love that so much. I'm glad you're pushing him to do work. Seems you've found the perfect way to motivate him!

Harry hasn't said a whole lot to me in his letters, either. I think that his aunt and uncle found out about the Tournament and Cedric and everything, and it sounds like he was grounded in his room for a week, but he's out now. He said the neighbours were asking after him. I guess his summer is better than it could be.

You really should write him yourself, Ginny. I'm sure all his letter from Ron are complaints about me going to Bulgaria and then just pages about Quidditch. I bet he'd love to hear about what Fred and George are up to. I agree, he probably did give Fred and George that money. It does sound like something Harry would do.

Write me back soon!

Love,

Hermione.