A Thousand Words

Chapter 25: Savour Each Sensation

Hermione's heart raced as she slipped on her Invisibility Cloak, prepared to go visit Shadow for a third time. She would have thought she'd have gotten used to the procedure by now, but each time felt like the first time all over again. The same jangling nerves, the same difficulty to breathe, the same feeling of exhilaration with a little fear dabbed in.

Hermione noted that it was snowing again as she walked over to her desk and picked up Shadow's last letter. Ron had, thankfully, stopped visiting her room and finding these letters.

She read the first few lines. They described a witch at the Ministry whom Shadow had known for quite a while but was finding to be different from the person he'd thought she was - kinder, more forgiving. He had asked Hermione how he should act around her, because the two of them had once been adversaries. Hermione had not replied to this letter yet. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to.

The more Hermione thought about it, the angrier she became. The fun of their game was beginning to fade away. She no longer wanted to pretend that reality didn't exist between her and Shadow, because it did, and the longer they ignored the fact that they were both real people with real names living in the same world, the harder it would be when the time arrived for them to reveal their identities - if it ever arrived at all.

It will, Hermione told herself stubbornly, and it won't change a thing. We'll still be close. Telling each other our names is not a big deal.

But it was a big deal. Secretly, Hermione knew she was trying to deny that over the course of the past few weeks, she had become Starlight. Starlight was no longer just a nickname; she was a real person - a real hidden side of Hermione.

Hermione sighed. What would she do now? Was it time to tell Shadow that it was time to let go of the challenge?

'One more meeting,' she murmured to herself, searching the eyes of her reflection for the courage to believe her own words. 'After that, the game is over.'

'Stop lying to yourself, sweets,' murmured the all-too-familiar voice of Hermione's mirror.

'Shut up,' Hermione snapped.

She threw the cloak over her and left her room, closing the door behind her. As she descended the stairs, she heard voices coming from the kitchen. Curious, she hurried down the remaining steps, tiptoed over to the kitchen doorway, and peered into the room.

Ron was sitting at the table with Ginny. Hermione frowned. What were they doing?

'...give it to her, even though Harry said I should,' he was saying.

Ginny sighed. It was clear that she was exasperated as she pushed her hair back and stared Ron sternly in the eye.

'Listen to me,' she said firmly. 'You two have got to stop fighting over something as trivial as this. I know Hermione; I've talked to her about this ridiculous row you two are in the middle of. She's upset about it too.'

Hermione started. They were talking about of her. Then again, it wasn't a huge surprise; the subject of her seemed to be all anyone in the house spoke of lately. Her curiosity rising, Hermione edged into the room, making sure not to cause any disturbances that might draw attention to her presence.

'Why can't she just do it for once?' Ron grumbled. He stared glumly into a bottle of butterbeer sitting before him.

'She has done it,' Ginny said bluntly. 'More than once, actually. Ron, think of all the times in Hogwarts when she was the one who had to make amends.'

'Yeah, well - well, it's different now -' Ron spluttered.

'Nothing's different, other than the fact that the two of you have hopefully' - she raised an eyebrow pointedly - 'matured. And for the record, I'm neutral,' she added as if she needed to make this point clear before she continued.

Ron took a swig of his butterbeer and slammed it back down on the table. 'You think it's the only way for all of this to blow over?'

Ginny shrugged. 'It's your job to do it. It was your thick head that got you two into this mess.'

The tips of Ron's ears turned pink as he glared at Ginny. 'Maybe I'll just ask Fred or George.'

'They don't know Hermione as well as I do,' Ginny said casually. 'But go ahead. See if you can stay in a room long enough to ask them for advice without getting snapped at by one of their Biting Floorboards.'

Hermione turned away. Clutching the Invisibility Cloak around her shoulders, Hermione hurried out of the kitchen, down the hallway, and out the front door.

As Hermione began walking to the park, she reflected upon the conversation she had just witnessed. Ron hadn't said he would do anything, but he had looked as though he were about to agree to follow Ginny's suggestion.

Guilt weighed heavily on Hermione's shoulders as she trekked through the fresh, untouched snow. At the same time Ron was trying to find a way to fix their relationship, she was heading off to see Shadow - the very activity that had roused Ron's temper in the first place.

You're a terrible person, a voice in her head nagged. You said you wanted to bring things back to the way they were...now he's about to, but you're running off to see Shadow. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Hermione winced. She was.

---

When Hermione arrived at their usual location, she sat down delicately. Shadow had not yet come, but she expected he would soon.

While she waited, she busied herself with casting the appropriate charm to alter her voice. Pointing her wand at her throat, she murmured, 'Dissimulo vocis.'

'Starlight? Is that you?'

Hermione looked up sharply at the sound of Shadow's uncertain voice. He was standing behind the bench and looking around.

How did he do that? Hermione wondered, bewildered. It's like he appears and disappears as suddenly as...

'I'm here,' she said softly, hoping he hadn't heard her uttering the incantation to change her voice. 'You weren't here seconds ago, though.'

...as a shadow on a summer's day.

'I suppose I have a knack for moving about stealthily,' he said.

He reached out a gloved hand to find Hermione. She took his hand in hers and whispered, 'I'm on your left.'

Shadow moved around the bench and sat down beside Hermione. He turned to look in her direction. He's getting good at this guessing game, Hermione thought wryly.

'I didn't get your reply to my last letter,' he said, sounding confused. 'It must have gotten lost somewhere along the way.'

Hermione hesitated, looking down at their joined hands. He had wrapped his fingers around hers now. Though she knew she should pull away, she didn't.

'I - I expect that's what happened,' she said weakly, not wanting to tell Shadow that the reason she hadn't written back was because she didn't want to feel as though she were losing him to someone else. 'It happens quite often.'

'Well then, do you have advice to give me right now?' he asked questioningly. 'But,' he added hastily, 'don't feel obligated to say something. It's not...really a pressing matter.'

Hermione could tell that it was. 'I think you should give her a chance,' she said quietly. 'Our first impressions of people are more often misconstrued than not. If you've known this witch for a long time, you probably made your first judgment of her many years ago when the circumstances were different. Now you've both matured. The person she is now is most likely the person she'll be forever. If she's willing to forgive and forget, you should be too.'

'You sound knowledgeable in the area of skewed first impressions,' said Shadow, sounding surprised. 'Have you suffered the same dilemma?'

'We all have,' Hermione murmured, looking away and thinking of Draco. She had taken her own advice with him. 'I'm trying to repair things between us, though.'

'Who is he?'

Hermione bit her lip. There was no harm in telling him. And if the theory about Shadow and Draco being the same person she had dismissed was in fact true, there was no better time to find out.

'Draco Malfoy.'

Shadow's lips tightened, but other than that, he showed no signs of recognition. Disappointment washed over Hermione. She would never find out Shadow's true identity - unless she asked him, which she knew she didn't have the courage to do.

'I know of him,' Shadow said slowly. 'He turned good before the Dark Lord's demise, didn't he?'

Hermione frowned. 'Why do you call Voldemort the Dark Lord?'

For the first time, Shadow looked flustered. 'Too many years of being around his followers,' he said hastily. 'Tell me more about your thoughts on Draco Malfoy.'

Hermione decided to let Shadow's obvious discomfort about the subject of Voldemort drop. 'I believe he did switch at his own risk,' she said firmly. 'I saw him...I mean, I just know.'

'That's very noble of you,' he said. 'Not many others trust his story.'

'I don't think he's told the full story, then,' said Hermione carefully. 'He's never really been an open person, has he?'

'No,' Shadow murmured. He seemed to be thoroughly contemplating Hermione's words. 'No, he hasn't.'

Silence fell between them. Hermione suddenly felt very awkward. Since when had it become so difficult for her to open up to Shadow? It seemed like something had changed between them; suddenly, they were no longer able to tell each other everything.

'I do hope you liked my present,' said Hermione awkwardly after the silence had become unbearable. She winced. What an awful way to start a conversation.

'I did,' Shadow replied earnestly. 'I plan to use it sometime in the near future.'

He placed his other hand on top of hers and smiled straight at her. This made Hermione rather uneasy; it was as if he knew exactly where she was sitting, as if he could see straight through the protection of the Invisibility Cloak.

'Are you sure you can't see me?' she joked, although her voice wavered slightly.

'No. I've just gotten familiar with the task of finding you.'

Shadow's words made Hermione shiver. He had found her - or, more specifically, he had found Starlight. But was she who Hermione really was? Or was she simply a cover-up?

'Let's go for a walk,' Shadow suddenly said. He squeezed her hand, as if asking for permission.

'Good idea,' Hermione said, somewhat relieved. A walk might ease some of the tension. She allowed Shadow to help her up.

While they had been talking, the snow had begun to fall faster and thicker. It clung to Shadow's cloak and hair. The dots of white against black reminded Hermione of the day she had first met Mrs Weasley at King's Cross. She had been wearing a black shawl with white polka dots on it, and Hermione had asked her mother for a shawl just like it later that day. She smiled at the memory.

'You know, I started realising just how beautiful the snow is after you told me that you loved it in your first letter,' Shadow mused.

He was looking off into the distance. Hermione marvelled at the fact that his eyes were the exact same shade of grey as the sky - the exact same shade of grey as Draco's. She tried to shrug away the thought. Shadow was not Draco; this fact had been established already.

'It really is a wonderful thing, isn't it?' Hermione agreed. 'I wish I could take this silly cloak off and catch a few snowflakes on my tongue. I used to love doing what when I was younger.'

'Why don't you, then?' Shadow said. He stopped and turned to face Hermione. She had never seen him look so serious. 'Why not take off the cloak once and for all?'

Hermione stared back at him, stunned. 'I thought you wanted to keep everything a secret...'

Shadow's lips twisted into an unseemly grimace. 'You're right. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm -'

'- tired of hiding everything?' Hermione suggested. She winced. 'Me too.'

'Well, there's only one solution to that problem.'

'But it's a solution I...well, I just don't think I'm ready for that yet.'

'Why not? I think it's safe to say we're past the interdepartmental unity challenge by now.'

'I know,' said Hermione, sighing heavily. She glanced down at their loosely entwined hands. Though she felt the cold leather of Shadow's glove against her hand, all her eyes registered was the sight of his fingers curled around nothing. 'Believe me, I know.'

'You don't want things to change, then?'

'How'd you know?' Hermione asked, surprised.

'It's how I feel too,' he replied with a tight-lipped smile.

---

Draco was highly aware that Starlight had not yet taken her hand out of his. In fact, he'd been so conscious of this fact that he hadn't being paying enough attention to the conversation - not enough, that is, to keep from accidentally bringing up a subject he had been determined to avoid: their identities.

'Sorry,' he said as they passed a snow-laden bush. He could just make out a family of rabbits nestled underneath the branches, hidden away from the cold. 'I didn't mean to press you.'

'You're not,' Starlight said quickly. 'I've been wondering the same thing these last few days.'

Draco's heart sunk. If she knew who he was, who she was walking with...

He gripped his left forearm tightly. Was it just his imagination, or was the Dark Mark burning under the thin material of his robe? He mentally shook his head. She won't ever find out.

'Is anything wrong?'

'No, nothing,' Draco replied through clenched teeth. He looked over at Starlight again. The overwhelming urge to grab hold of her Invisibility Cloak and take it off...it would be so simple; just one jerk of his wrist and he'd know...

No, it wouldn't be fair. Just like Draco, Starlight had reasons for not revealing herself. She could have easily removed his mask anytime in the past few weeks, but she hadn't, and he knew he ought to hold himself back as well.

'So you're a mighty Gryffindor, aren't you?' he said, trying to take his mind off the aggravating subject of their identities. Not that the subject of houses is any less aggravating, he thought sullenly.

'Not so mighty, but a Gryffindor, yes,' said Starlight with a laugh. Draco's heart skipped a beat - her laugh always did that to him.

'I...see.'

Draco had no desire to delve any further into the topic of Hogwarts houses. For one, he was naturally inclined to hate all Gryffindors, though he was training himself to forget this particular prejudice; for another, if Starlight found out he was a Slytherin, she might hate him.

Change the topic, he prayed silently.

'So, what house were you in?'

One of Draco's hands curled into a fist. Not that topic, he fumed. He knew that if he told her, she might figure out who he was, for there weren't many Slytherins with positions in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.

'Shadow?'

'Sorry,' he said gruffly. Deciding his best bet would be to quickly switch subjects, he asked, 'How's the situation with your boyfriend? Is he treating you any better?'

'Not yet.' Draco was relieved that she had chosen not to pursue her question. 'But today...just before I left...well, I overheard him talking with his sister...'

'Yes?' Draco prompted.

'It sounded like he was finally giving in and planning to apologise to me.'

Draco sensed that Starlight was blushing. He narrowed his eyes, surprisingly unhappy about this turn of events. He had spent all this time giving Starlight advice about her boyfriend, but now that things were finally working out, he didn't feel the least bit pleased. In fact, if anything, he was hoping that Starlight had misinterpreted the conversation she'd heard.

'That's...' Draco swallowed; his throat felt dry. 'That's good.'

'You don't sound too happy about it,' Starlight noted wisely.

'It's just that, uh...' Draco scoured his mind for a plausible excuse. 'I'm, uh, just a bit annoyed that none of my ideas worked. I reckon I'm not too good of an advisor. I'm glad he came around on his own time, though.'

'You're not jealous, are you?' she teased.

'No, not at all,' Draco replied quickly - too quickly, perhaps.

'You don't have to be embarrassed to say you are...I mean, if you are,' she stammered, suddenly sounding very nervous. 'I'm admittedly a bit jealous over your friendship with the witch you mentioned.' She was definitely blushing now; Draco could practically feel the heat radiating from her cheeks. 'Oh my, I shouldn't have said that out loud.'

Draco chuckled weakly. 'She'll never take your place,' he said, taken back by how honest the words were, and suddenly, he could no longer keep everything he longed to say to Starlight from tumbling out of his mouth. 'Really. You're the only one I can trust right now. Everyone else...when I walk by, I can feel their suspicion and dislike. I try to ignore it and put it out of my mind, but it's hard to live alone sometimes.'

There was a long pause, during which Draco silently beat himself for saying too much. Then, Starlight said quietly, 'I know how you feel.'

'Do you?' said Draco, trying to keep the contempt out of his voice. He doubted that Starlight had ever been a Death Eater. Her words were empty; meaningless attempts to comfort him. He wasn't fooled.

'You probably think I'm lying,' said Starlight, reading Draco's mind. 'In a way, I am. I can't be selfish enough to say that I've suffered through as much as you have. After all, everyone tells me I have a perfect life. Sometimes I even convince myself that I do. But when everything around you is perfect, you become convinced that there's no need for the kind of friendship you've given me. It's...different. You treat me like a flawed human being, and that's what I've always wanted. Everyone else thinks, "Oh she has her job, her books, her boyfriend, her family...there's no need to be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on," but I don't always have all of that. You understand, don't you?'

'Yes,' Draco answered truthfully. He remembered his days at Hogwarts when he really did have the perfect life and how lonely he had been. Of course, he hadn't wanted the friendships of his pathetic housemates in the first place...

'I knew you would,' said Starlight in a relieved sort of voice. 'Please don't think of me as ungrateful, though. Believe me, I'm thankful everyday for what I have.'

'I am too,' Draco muttered under his breath, kicking through a loose pile of snow.

'What's that?'

'I'm thankful for you.'

The footsteps walking alongside Draco stopped. Draco spun around to face Starlight, afraid of what she might say.

To his shock, she didn't run away. She didn't remind him that she had a boyfriend and that they hardly knew each other, she didn't tell him she just wanted to be friends, she didn't do any of that. Instead, he felt the ghost of a hand brush lightly against the little exposed skin on his face before he was pulled into a tight embrace.

'I'm thankful for you too,' Starlight whispered, taking Draco's hand and pressing it against her cheek. She kissed his palm, a gentle touch of her lips to his hand that he could barely feel through the thickness of his glove, and then added in a soft voice, 'Write to me soon.'

Draco felt the silken material of Starlight's Invisibility Cloak slide away between his fingers. Involuntarily, his fingers closed around the cloak, trying to hold onto it, but all he managed to secure was a fistful of air.

There was a small pop. Draco looked around helplessly, but he knew already that Starlight had left.

His heart pounding rapidly, Draco removed his mask with a flick of his wand and looked around. They had strayed far away from the bench while they were talking. The snow was beginning to slow down now, and a few weak rays of sunshine were filtering through the dispersing clouds.

Draco stood still silently for a moment, his head bowed, then turned on his heel and Apparated back home.