- Harry Potter/Severus Snape
- Harry Potter Severus Snape
- Slash Angst
- The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Published: 01/12/2005Updated: 02/09/2005Words: 146,361Chapters: 30Hits: 275,831
Green Eyes Sublime
- Story Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his sixth year, only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else, Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived, because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. SS/HP, SLASH and depression related theme.
- Chapter Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his Sixth Year only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. HP/SS SLASH and depressing thoughts.
Dancing in the Dark
"Harry, I do not mean to be irrational but I believe you need to get out!"
Severus stepped out of his bathroom with still damp hair, fully clothed in his black wizard robe, ready to face an evening of nauseating celebrations and migraine inducing chatter, only to have to summon up a pre-mature scowl on his face and irritated words from his lips.
Harry was sitting on his couch, back rested upon one of the arms of the chair, feet tucked up, a sketchpad braced upon his thighs, Muggle pencil sketching rapidly with one hand, Muggle eraser clutched tightly in the other hand and -Severus' mind readily admitted- the most endearing look of intensity on his face.
The 'Welcome back' feast at Hogwarts was to be in two hours and Harry looked as if he had no intensions of even twitching a muscle in that direction.
"Don't you have friends to greet and fans to reinstate yourself with?"
Harry tore his eyes away from his sketch to raise an eyebrow at Severus. "Yes I do and I will be doing that in about ten minutes when Ron and Hermione get here. In the meantime...you clean up very well Professor Snape."
Severus' scowl deepened dangerously and as always, Harry chuckled.
"You don't like 'Leaving' feasts, nor 'Welcoming' feasts, Christmas dinner, nor 'Celebration' balls of any occasion...uh Severus, is there any function at Hogwarts that you do enjoy?"
"No there isn't," Severus said in a tight voice. "Hogwarts hold way too many functions, to my distaste, all frivolous and time wasting. It's a wonder any of the students reach the level of graduation here."
Harry smiled sweetly at him. "Didn't you graduate from Hogwarts, Professor Snape?"
With a swish of his wand and 'Wingardium Leviosa', Severus levitated Harry to stand before the closed door, inches away from sailing straight into it.
Harry turned to flash the evilly scowling wizard a saucy wink and a grin.
"See you at the feast Professor. I expect you to be your usual cold, distasteful self while out there and I'm sure I won't be disappointed. Try not to choke from all the festivity!"
Harry made it out the door just in time before he felt it resoundingly slam shut behind him, but he fought the laughter bubbling inside with a hand over his mouth and little snickers.
The holidays were over so most of the Slytherins would be back soon if not already. He didn't fancy having himself skinned alive for trespassing because he had no doubt that Ron and Hermione would do it themselves if he missed their return.
As he walked quickly along the corridor, he wondered if Severus' hair would smell more like cinnamon now that it was wet and if the smell of smoke could be magically retained even after steamy cascades of water and vigorous scrubbing...
This time Harry began to blush all the way down to his neck and forced himself to think of other less pleasant images.
He didn't need a hot...well...anything right then because as good as robes were to hide pants-gone-too-tight, Hermione and Ron really wouldn't like it if he wasn't there to greet them.
"I swear he's doing it out of spite!"
"He's not Ron."
"Then why is it that his is the first class that we're having now that the holidays are up?"
Harry groaned softly but still managed to answer semi-patiently. "It's Monday Ron. It says right here on our schedule that Potions is at this time every Monday for the rest of the year."
"Potions as the first thing on Mondays is probably out of spite too," Ron muttered as he shoved his wand in his robe pocket and turned to look at Harry. "Are you sure you're alright?"
Harry was sitting on Ron's bed with his palm pressed against his scar and his eyes closed in what looked to be the beginning of a headache.
Five minutes before, he had dropped onto the floor, on his knees, as a short bolt of intense pain shot through his forehead.
"I'm fine," He groaned out softly.
"You look pale and in pain," Ron's expression switched to worry. "I can take you to the hospital wing. I don't care if Snape gives me a detention. You're worth any number of detentions, you know that."
Harry smiled, finally opening his eyes. He removed his hand from his scar and stood. "Thanks Ron, but I'm okay now. It was just a short thing. Though it did hurt like blazes! I wonder why he can't keep his anger to himself. It's not very helpful either since his emotions don't come with visions."
Ron returned the smile, then slung his hand over Harry's shoulder as the two left the room. "We should hurry. Hermione's probably in the Common room wondering what's taking us so long, and me, I really don't fancy an angry Snape first thing in the morning."
"Ron no one fancies an angry Snape!" Harry teased. But then, angry isn't the only thing he can be....
Draco was casually leaning against the door to the Potions' room with a smirk on his face and silver eyes dancing in a mixture of amusement and contempt.
"I don't think I will. Four more minutes and the three of you will be officially late for class. I want to see Professor Snape deduct a few points," he smirked even more. "Call it my New Year's gift to you Gryffindors."
Harry launched himself at the blond haired boy but Hermione was just in time to prevent him from doing more than give Draco a hard shove backwards. Draco, however only laughed as he turned then walked to his seat.
"Nine points from Gryffindor. The three of you are late and from your six years in my class you should know that I do not tolerate tardiness."
Ron's face began to radiate murderous outrage as he looked on Professor Snape's towering form behind them. Harry glared darkly, but he directed it at the still smirking Malfoy.
Hermione saved the two from committing any acts of violence by grabbing each of their hands and pulling them to their seats.
Snape glided into the room, robe billowing as per usual.
"Potter, you will be serving a detention tonight," Snape continued. "Aggression towards other students is not permitted."
Harry's face became an indifferent mask as he stared at his Professor, but while Ron was back to looking murderous, Harry merely nodded.
Snape turned and began to magically write their assignment on the board.
Harry looked a little pale.
From his table at the front of the room, Severus watched as Harry meticulously added ingredients to his potion.
Two days before, the boy had been just fine where he had sat at the Gryffindor table surrounded by laughter, but today something seemed to be slightly off.
Severus averted his eyes from Harry's form onto Draco's but his thoughts continued to circle.
He knew exactly what Malfoy had done earlier. He lost count of how many times the same thing had been done to him when he was their age.
As interesting as it was to have the tables turned, Severus didn't like having to punish Harry for being tardy when he knew Harry was trying so much harder to improve in Potions.
There was nothing he could do now though, except have Harry serve detention with him tonight. It wasn't as if Harry wouldn't be finding himself in his presence later that day anyway.
Besides, he didn't like the way Harry suddenly looked so tired and pale this morning and he was going to find out what was making the boy ill as soon as he had the rest of the brats out of the room.
Suddenly breaking Severus out of his thoughts the room exploded in action. Everyone had abandoned their potions to form a circle around where Potter had stood only seconds before. Everyone's eyes were fixed on the ground within the circle.
Severus didn't have to ask what was wrong with Potter before he heard the screams.
"Everyone get back to your potions!"
The circle unwound, but everyone was still gazing transfixed on Harry's writhing form on the stone floor. Since there was nothing any one could do, they all stared in morbid fascination as tears began to stream from Harry's tightly closed eyes. Even the Slytherins seemed to have lost the ability to tear their attentions away.
Barely thinking, Severus pulled out his wand and levitated Harry's body.
"Malfoy, Granger, you two are responsible for ensuring that the class proceeds as normal. I will take Potter to the hospital wing. When I return you all better be working."
Severus stormed out the room with Harry gliding behind him long enough for him to turn a few corners, then with another flick of his wand, Harry sailed above his head to glide gently into his arms.
By then, Harry's body had stopped writhing, but from the way he clung to Severus with his face buried against the man's chest, making small whimpering sounds, Severus realized that he wasn't really fully conscious.
It was a good thing that they didn't meet any one else on their way to the Hospital wing, since Severus was holding on to the trembling body in his arms almost as tightly as Harry was holding on to him.
Harry was walking through a forest with a hooded cloak wrapped around his body. He could hear footsteps behind him, all walking the exact same rhythm that he was.
The darkness of the forest pressed up against him, but the darkness gave him comfort...and power.
He stopped walking and everyone behind him stopped also.
"Thisss isss the place," he hissed. "We apparate from here. Nothing will go wrong thisss time, and if it doesss you will all regret it!"
Harry was in another place in another second.
Standing before a tall off-white colored building, a small part of him fought to recognize the place that he knew he should.
There were screams, shouts and gasps of surprise from on-lookers as he and his nine Death Eaters disapparated...but he would take care of them just as soon as he accomplished the mission.
The ten cloaked figures raised their wands and began the dark chant...and suddenly the earth began to rumble beneath everyone's feet as the building began to crumble.
He listened to the screams of panic and of the sound of running feet as two more buildings on either side of the first began to crumble also.
Then pointing to the sky, he shouted the curse to project his mark against the dust darkened sky and watched as it branded itself into place.
Then he laughed some more for the sheer hell of it all.
"Who is? What did you see Harry?"
"They're all dead...I killed them!"
"I assure you that you haven't left the premises, so you could have done no such thing. Can you tell me what happened?"
Harry opened his eyes to stare into half moon glasses and the Headmaster's concerned expression.
Fifteen minutes later the entire story was relayed, including the incident of pain that morning with Ron and the throbbing headache during Potions class minutes before the vision.
By the end, Dumbledore looked tired.
"Well, there is nothing we can do about prevention now. The best thing is to alert the Ministry and the Order. I'm sure that Muggle rescue and search teams are taking care of the survivors. We will have to take care of the witnesses."
Take care of the witnesses...Harry groaned and Dumbledore patted him gently on the head.
"You have nothing to worry about. I will see to everything. All you need to be concerned with is getting a little rest. You've already done your part and you did well."
Dumbledore smiled reassuringly. "You don't have to worry about Potions class either. Miss Granger will take your notes and I'm sure you will be allowed to practice brewing the potion at a more convenient time. Severus will be back to see you as soon as he can I'm sure."
Harry's eyes went wide from surprise as the headmaster used his Professor's given name in his presence, but Albus' smile became coy.
"It is what he allows you to call him isn't it?"
Harry nodded shyly. "Why are you...you don't mind that he and I don't hate each other?"
"Why would I mind Harry? I am tickled purple that you two are getting along as well as I hoped," Dumbledore answered. "I stand by my belief that he is one of the best individuals for this new role to you."
"But why? I didn't even like him or trust him and I know he hated me even more. Why would you think it would work?"
Albus sighed then looked at Harry very seriously. "A few years ago a young man came to me lost and confused. He was so deep into his despair that I wasn't sure I could help him. I didn't know where to begin because we were so far apart in age, but help him I did. A little at a time, we worked together until he healed. Now it is Severus' turn to heal someone else. I was lucky with him, but he is better than I could ever be at it. He understands a great deal."
"Oh." Harry honestly could not think of anything else to say.
That was okay because Dumbledore simply continued to speak. "The problem is that Severus is a very solitary person so he does his best work alone without interruptions. I need to not be a means of interruption to him. This way he's assured that you will come to him no matter how serious the problem and not run to me first. I want him to be the first person you think to go to so that you will always have someone to listen to you, especially when I may seem too busy to care."
"He already is that person for me now," Harry said and Albus' eyes began to twinkle.
"I know. Don't tell him that directly though. He may never say it, but it will mean so much more to realize it for himself a little at a time."
Harry nodded and smiled.
"I should be going now. I have a lot to take care of, but none of which you should be concerned about. When your Professor gets here...well I'm sure I won't need to tell you."
Three minutes later Dumbledore was gone and Harry settled down to wait for Severus to pay him a visit.
'Harry Potter, I know you're there...hiding...sneaking...spying. I will get my revenge on you.'
Harry was standing in semi-darkness, barefoot and cold. The cloak wrapped around his body offered no heat. The ground beneath his toes was parched and cracked.
Harry didn't know where he was, but he knew that he shouldn't move.
'I can taste you Harry Potter. I can taste your scent. I may not be able to see you or feel you when you spy, but here I can taste your fears.'
Harry felt the air around him swirl slightly like a fog.
'Who do you ache so deeply for? Who is this rock holding you upright? Who are you so afraid to lose and what price would you pay to protect this person? Tell me Harry Potter, do they approve of this pedestal you place them upon?'
The darkness seemed to intensify and Harry wondered if it would suffocate him.
A dark laugh echoed within the air.
'This is not even my doing, did you know? This is your darkness. Your pain. Your anger. You created this place. I was merely fortunate enough to tap into it. How deep does it go? How far? For how long? Do you like it? It reminds me of myself. So much pain Harry Potter. Let it consume you.'
"I am nothing like you Voldemort!" Harry couldn't stop himself from shouting.
His reply was another laughter.
'You are too much like me! That is what haunts you. You can feel anger and hatred and so much pain. What do you do with it? When it threatens to overwhelm you? When you feel it swirling within the pit of your stomach and it burns an even bigger hole inside you, what do you do then?'
Narrowed eyes of a snake appeared in the fog before Harry's face and he gasped, taking a step backwards, but the eyes pressed forward.
'Do you cut yourself open as you search frantically for some semblance of life flowing through your veins? Do you bleed earnestly awaiting the darkness to seep from your wound? To darken your blood? To prove what you know every time you look yourself in the mirror?'
The slit nose appeared and the cynical smile also formed from the fog.
'There is a demon inside you Harry Potter. You see him. You feel him. He is eating you alive inside and soon there will be nothing left but darkness and a large empty hole where your soul once was.'
"Go away!" Harry said through clenched teeth, but the fog only swirled some more and the face became bigger.
'Tell me Harry Potter. What will happen when cutting isn't enough anymore? What will you do when the blood you bleed is not enough to purge the darkness? Will you bleed some more? Or will you give in and let the darkness control you?'
Harry began shout into the darkness but it had already begun to change yet again. Swirling rapidly, the fog seemed to form a funnel around him, the wind howling about his head and somewhere within it above the howling noise and his own shouts he heard the laughter echoing.
Then everything suddenly went very silent.
Harry opened his eyes and sat up in his bed breathing deeply.
A dream...or not.
Was that really what he looked like inside?
Harry grabbed his wand.
He jumped off his bed and barely felt the cold of the floor as his bare feet balanced upon it. There was no one else in the Hospital wing, but Madam Pomfrey would be asleep in her private quarters nearby so he knew he would have to be quiet.
He thought about walking to Moaning Myrtles bathroom...but that would be too far and he didn't have his invisibility cloak to be playing cat and mouse with Mrs. Norris tonight.
That left the bathroom for the Hospital wing then.
He barely made it, before he sagged across one of the face-basins. His breathing spiked just a little and he listened to the soft gasps into the darkness as he tried to return to normal breathing once again.
It sounded so ragged to his ears.
Gasps, in and out.
Harry conjured up the blade.
You cut yourself open as you search frantically for some semblance of life flowing through your veins....
Harry turned the blade over between his fingers, feeling the sharp edge scrape against his finger slightly, but he was being careful this time.
Then, he reveled in the feel of cold, flat, smooth metal between his fingers for a few seconds.
He could feel trembles flow up and down through his body, so inspired, he relaxed his grasp and watched the blade dance up and down between his fingers as it too began to tremble.
There is a demon inside you Harry Potter. You see him. You feel him. He is eating you alive inside....
Harry looked up at his reflection in the mirror and what he saw made him stand up straighter to peer at his magical reflection.
It was crying...blood.
Harry wiped at his eyes, but feeling no wetness, he wiped at the eyes in the mirror.
"Don't cry. Harry don't cry. You'll be okay. You'll be just fine. Don't cry Harry. It will get better soon, I promise," he whispered to his crying reflection. "I promise that one day I will make it all go away."
The blood smeared on the reflection's cheeks, but Harry kept wiping onto it was gone. The mirror had stopped crying like he asked.
He held the blade up and his reflection did the same.
Then he dropped it within the sink, waved his wand, muttered a spell and the blade disappeared.
"No more," Harry whispered and his reflection nodded sadly. "No more cutting. No more needed this to cope...no more."
What will happen...what will you do...or will you..?
Harry turned and silently walked away.