Green Eyes Sublime

Chapter Eight

Pieces of the Whole

x

It was the last official day of school before Christmas holidays began at Hogwarts. Most students were pretending otherwise however, and as always the Professors indulged them by cancelling classes throughout the day. Everyone still had a bit of packing to do before the Holiday Feast at two, and the time at which the Express would be leaving Hogwarts station at five.

Yet, although it happened every year now for as long as their time at Hogwarts, all the Potion's students groaned loudly in anger when Professor Snape sent the notice.

All Potions classes will be held at their allotted time throughout the day. If any student chooses to ignore this notice and not attend class, points will be taken from their House and they will be given a week's detention on their arrival back at Hogwarts in January...

Harry was the only one laughing.

'Really, the man knows exactly how to send students crashing back to reality.'

"Hey Harry, what's so damn funny? Don't forget you have to get to class too!"

Of course, Ron was less than happy even though he was one of the few students already finished packing.

Harry bit back the smile quickly. "I know Ron. I suppose it's less drastic to me since I'm staying right here at Hogwarts."

Ron groaned and rolled his eyes, then both guys began to laugh.

"Damn it! We should probably get going then. Ten minutes to nine. I don't fancy walking into Double Potions late especially since you know how he gets on last days. Bloody git! Couldn't someone have hexed him this morning? Trust him to take it upon himself to ruin our holiday spirit!"

Harry decided not to comment and instead steered his best friend towards the Entrance hole. Ron was right, if they didn't move quickly they were going to be late for Potions and Snape was murderous on 'last days'.

x-x-x

"Well it's nice of you all to bless me with your presence. Perhaps now you can focus your attention long enough to at least produce favourable results in the potion you are about to attempt."

Snape had taken roll call and then written the preparation instructions magically on the board as soon as he had walked into the classroom. Whatever angry conversations had been taking place from the roomful of Sixth Year Potions students -of which there were representatives of all four Houses- had died as soon as he stepped into the room.

Most had already resorted to getting the class over with so that they could move on to more urgent and enjoyable doings, such as packing and the Feast.

Snape only hoped that their concentration span would encompass the entire two hours.

Harry read the instructions on the board twice and still wasn't sure in the end if he could remember everything exactly in order. The whole thing sounded like a riddle to him and he was left having to insert the correct ingredient at the right time in the right order.

Eyes of frog should be added exactly five seconds after the potion begins to boil. Legs of caterpillar and tail of lizard should be added in succession of each other. However, these should not be added before the fangs of Burly bats and Bubertone roots, which should be added every one and three minutes respectively...

Harry shook his head. He had become lost in the instructions at the beginning where the 'eyes of frog' was supposed to be used. He had no idea what was supposed to be boiling in the cauldron before the ingredient was added.

Three minutes later and half way into reading the instructions for the third time, he saw the parts of the instruction that mentioned 'two cups of lion tears', 'one cup of dragon blood', 'ten cups of water', 'six cups of weeping sap' and the words 'to be brought to a boil' in close proximity of each other.

Harry figured that the best thing was to somehow rearrange the instructions before he began and pulled out a quill and a piece of parchment to do just that.

Most of the other students hadn't figured that far and everyone except Hermione was still more preoccupied with trying to understand the instructions than actually getting to work on the Tempus Fugit Potion.

Ten minutes later, Harry began and apparently so had everyone else.

Sixth Year potions had to be brewed independently, but that did not stop everyone from casting quick comparisons between their potion and that of their neighbour's. Most of them figured that since a lot of the others' potions were a vibrant shade of orange then perhaps they had gotten it right. For the one's that were quick enough to glimpse Harry, Hermione and Ron's potions (Hermione, helping Ron as best as she could of course) and noted the deep shade of blue, dismissed the fear of a potion gone terribly wrong with the notion that the Professor really couldn't seriously punish the whole class on the last day before the holiday anyway.

Severus could feel a migraine coming on as he surveyed the potions brewing, but he fought it valiantly with insults at every turn.

"Tell me, did any of you read the instructions before you began?" He pinched the bridge of his nose before giving the now slightly quivering students a look of disgust. "What atrocities are you brewing?"

Half way into the class and already he had to restrain himself from shouting. Severus did not think the class was going well in the slightest manner.

"Everyone, stop working."

Everyone obeyed the quiet, frigid tone immediately.

"Empty your cauldrons and begin the brewing of the potion again. I believe you have seventy minutes left to try to get it done." Severus sneered at the class at large. "And since I know it takes exactly ninety minutes to brew -of which I know most of you will need at least a hundred minutes- then no one leaves until their potion is brewed to my satisfaction."

Hermione gasped in rage at the thought of disposing a perfectly good potion while Harry just sighed in defeat.

'Well at least I know how it's done...'

"Potter!"

Harry jumped and then began to silently swear in his mind. The man managed to scare the living magic out of him in class and yet somehow still had the ability to make his insides flutter with the simple use of his voice.

"Yes Professor?" He answered a bit late since Snape was already striding over to where he and his friends stood.

Three ladles and three sniffs of each potion later, Snape glared at the three students. Ron fancied he could almost see the man's brain working furiously to invent a reason to take points from Gryffindor.

Instead the Professor just turned and began to walk away. "You three may continue with your potions and at the end of class, because you will no doubt have the time, I want a list of the effects of the Tempus Fugit Potion on an individual and include above that, its purpose. Everyone else, get to work!"

Ron's face contorted with suppressed anger, while Hermione smiled and Harry sighed.

'Better to work on that part then, while the potion simmers.'

By the end of the extended time class, everyone else's potion was nearing lavender at least and Terry Boot walked out of the class squealing and covering his eyes as his Ravenclaw friends guided him out. Snape had collected the Trio's parchments before testing Ron's potion on Terry. This meant that for Terry everyone's movement had sped up to be almost superhuman while his slowed to slurred words and incredibly slow motions.

By the time everyone had filed out of the classroom, Snape was standing at his table glaring holes into two of the three parchments.

Harry waved his friends away knowing that this once they would leave him since they wanted to get back to the Common Room and prepare for the feast and their departure.

"Are you sure you want us to leave you? Couldn't you ask him what you want later?" Ron asked hesitantly.

Harry shook his head. "No. Has to be now you know, but don't worry I'll be right along as soon as I can."

"Alright," Ron agreed still a little reluctant but Hermione flashed Harry a smile and then pulled Ron through the door.

Harry made sure to close the door behind them before he approached the Professor's desk.

"Yes?"

Severus hadn't looked up. Harry wasn't going to talk to a bowed head. He stood patiently waiting until Severus tore his eyes away from Ron's parchment long enough to stare at Harry with his still cold dark eyes.

Harry's eyebrow shot up. Severus glared. Both stared in that position until Severus finally sighed, casting a Silencing spell and Harry smiled.

"A bit mean don't you think?"

"When have I ever been agreeable?"

Harry could think of a few occasions during the past few months. Severus' expression dared him to mention them and Harry decided that it really wouldn't be worth it.

"May I come to your quarters to see you tonight?"

"When have you ever had need to ask before?"

Harry sighed. Severus really didn't seem to like festive holidays and Harry wondered why. Perhaps he'd get an answer out of the man soon enough.

Having received no answer, Severus returned to deciphering Ron's handwriting and Harry almost sighed in defeat.

Well except, he hadn't used his trump card as yet.

Severus literally growled at the arms around his waist and warm body pressed against him as Harry's pools of emerald eyes stared up at him mischievously.

"You seem to be in good mood today Potter. Is the thought of your friends' departure so enjoyable to you?" He grounded out.

Harry's eyes stayed glued to the scowling face.

"Don't like Christmas do you Severus? Well if you must know. I love my friends, but silence is appreciating at times. Besides I want to know if it would be safe for me to visit you. Is it?"

"You may do whatever you wish Potter, but kindly unhand me. It wouldn't do for any one, student or teacher, to walk in here and witness you being so familiar in public."

Harry released him quickly, but hurt had replaced whatever other emotions Harry had been experiencing just moments before.

"I thought you didn't mind me..." his voice trailed off softly.

Severus decided not to answer and Harry took that as a bad sign when his Professor returned once more to reading.

"Guess that means I won't be visiting you today then."

Harry grabbed his bag from his work desk and placed his bottled potion on the table near Severus before turning to leave. He didn't get to take one more step before slender fingers enclosed his arm.

Harry turned. Severus expression had changed. Although it was not entirely inviting or gentle as it was in their private conversations, it was not as cold as it was before.

"You know you don't have to ask to come. The door opens for you as long as you knock." Severus said.

Harry nodded but still asked, "Do you want me to come?"

Severus didn't answer and instead released the arm he had been holding on to. Harry's eyes became a little more overshadowed.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, staring at the grey stone floor. "I won't do it...hug you...again. If you want, I won't even come see you either. You probably need time away from me anyway and it was silly of me to assume that you'd allow me to into your rooms when it's not..."

Severus turned away from the onslaught of words.

Harry stopped speaking then asked a little more sadly, "You really don't want me to..."

No reply.

"W...What did I do? Stupid me. I'm sorry. Of course you don't want me to...to..."

Harry didn't finish the thought stream. Instead, with unshed tears glistening in his eyes, he ran out the room.

Severus watched as the door slammed shut behind the retreating form and forced himself not to run after it. Harry didn't need the time away right now and no doubt, Severus knew exactly where he was headed and to do what. However, Severus himself could not find the energy to stop the boy for now. Perhaps later he would go hunting for him and heal him.

Severus sighed.

He hated the 'last day' before Christmas holidays. He had very good reasons to and it seemed that he was going to have to explain to Harry why, sooner than he had wanted.

x-x-x

Harry felt as if the world was swaying.

"Harry, are you okay?"

Maybe it wasn't the world but he that were swaying. Harry hoped not. Ron and Hermione would be leaving in a few minutes and since he couldn't cut or cry any more, and since he hadn't even gone to the Feast he had to keep up appearances and swaying on his feet would not help.

"Hermione stop worrying. I'm okay."

She hugged him tightly anyway as if she was trying to give him energy just from wishing it to him. Harry wondered if that's how hugs worked. Mental energy is transferred from the huggee to the hugger or vice versa.

Maybe Severus hated having his mental energy sucked out of him every time Harry hugged him.

Harry felt so needy now...and selfish.

He had been stealing comfort from Severus.

"Hermione, you should go the carriages are already leaving," he said softly.

He wondered about the tears sliding down her face and at the uncomfortable shifting from foot to foot that Ron had begun to do. Ron wasn't looking at him. Hermione was crying. Harry wondered why.

The world began swaying again.

"Please be okay when we get back Harry." A plea. "Please Harry, please still be here."

"Of course," he said trying to move with the earth.

"Don't be silly," he added very softly. "Harry Potter will always, always be here."

Hermione hugged him tightly again, sobbing into his arms. Harry saw Ron sway just a little and wondered if perhaps the earth was swaying for Ron too.

Then Hermione kissed him on his temple, her eyes still streaming tears.

"Of course you will be," she whispered back brokenly, "Because you're Harry Potter and you're Ron's best friend and my best friend and we want you to be okay."

She kissed him on his lightening scar this time before finally moving away to hug Ron. Then both turned to smile little smiles at Harry before turning away and boarding the carriages with not-so-invisible-horses.

Harry wondered if Harry Potter knew just how fortunate he was to have a world that loved him.

Severus didn't even want Harry to see him anymore.

x-x-x

Severus stared at his exposed torso in the mirror he had elongated again as he had done for Harry.

He stared at his reflection hard and imagined the scars he had seen on Harry's on his own arms, and of the scars on the Gryffindor's chest on his chest. Like an illusion charm, when he stared hard enough he could actually see them dancing across his skin, tinged in red.

He fingers glided across his chest in the region near his heart into an 'X' with the centre where his heart beat the loudest. He splayed his fingers, feeling his heartbeat in his palm.

Steady, steady heartbeat.

He heard the shouts and saw the blood and watched the blade slice open the tender flesh beneath. Lines on his arms. Lines on his legs. Blood. Bleeding. Cleansing. Pure now...

Severus shook his head violently and stared at his image again. The scars were gone now. Harry's scars no longer danced across his flesh in phantom mockery.

He scowled and his image scowled back at him as he shook his head less violently this time.

Replacing the silent, magical mirror, Severus replaced his clothing and took a deep calming breath.

It was time he found Harry and explained at least one thing about why he didn't like 'last days' before Christmas holidays. He really hoped the boy had not done something really drastic. He had not been to the Feast, as Severus knew he wouldn't be, but he knew that Harry would still want to see his friends off even if he was thinking unstable thoughts.

It was time Severus shared something about himself with someone else.

x-x-x

Harry wasn't quite sure how it happened exactly.

All Harry remembered was sitting in the middle of one of the corridors with his lower back against the wall and not quite being sure of when he had begun rocking. Back and forth. Back and forth. The motion helped. It soothed him for some reason in moments when he wasn't even aware he needed soothing.

Back and forth. Back and forth. His mind was blissfully blank actually.

Then it happened.

One minute he was sitting there rocking back and forth without thoughts, and the next he was being held in tight arms and being rocked in a similar manner.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Severus smelt of spice and smoke like he always did when Harry was this close to him.

Harry didn't wonder about the tears that slid down his cheek and melted onto Severus' cloak as he pressed his face to the steady rhythm of Severus' heartbeat.

It matched the tempo of his own heart in a weird dance.

"Before I came to Hogwarts in my first year, I thought my life was perfect. I had everything I wanted. My parents were happy. I was happy and I had potions to fiddle around with in my spare time. I thought it was wonderful and I couldn't grasp the concept that perhaps Hogwarts would be just as wonderful as my earlier life too. I came to realize that it was. At least it could be most of the time. There were minor setbacks and little mishaps that rocked my foundation a little as with all First year Slytherins I'm sure, but I was lucky. I had the perfect family to get back to every holiday when I grew tired of the monotony of school and housemates..."

Harry listened to the words as they vibrated from within and for moments at a time he wondered if the words were being carved from Severus heart, then made into sound, which could be conveyed.

The tone was even, the words so soft they were meant for only Harry's ears and Harry understood that it had been a while since this story was told. Perhaps he was even the first to hear it.

"My mother was the first person to greet me at the door after every Christmas holiday or holiday otherwise. Always it was her smile that I saw first. Always it was her welcome in a soft whisper as she held me close. I loved my mother dearly, as I could love no one else. She was my lifeline."

The rocking stopped, but Harry didn't mind so much when Severus continued to speak again. Afterall, the arms still held him securely in their grasp.

"When I was thirteen my father took me aside one Christmas holiday and told me all about a very powerful Dark Lord that would rule the Wizarding world some day. I really didn't think much about it because I couldn't fathom the concept of one wizard gaining such power as to do such a thing so I dismissed the idea that day. However, more and more this wizard would come up in conversation and the more he did was the stranger that my father would become. In Christmas I went home in my Fourth year and my father had completely changed. He was so different that I barely recognized him anymore. He became cruel and hateful. Revenge and pain became his main weapons and against him neither my mother nor I could stop him. Hogwarts became my escape. And every time I drove away from the Manor with the sad smile of my mother imprinted in my mind, I swore I would return as soon as I could to save her."

Severus paused and Harry knew what would come next. Harry had known since the beginning of the story but he patiently waited any way. Severus needed to tell this in his own way, just as Harry had needed to talk about the Dursleys.

"For Christmas holiday by my Fifth year I had grown very anxious as the 'last day before the holiday' approached. I would see my mother again, I knew but I would face the monster that my father had become in someone else's name. I sat in the carriage in silence as the slow journey up to the Manor drew to a close. It would be over soon, I knew. I would see my mother and she would smile at me and I would laugh as I ran into her arms. In those moments I could make her happy again. I wanted to see her so badly because I missed her."

There was a small pause again and this time Harry wrapped his arms around Severus' waist also and waited for the end that had to come to the story.

"She wasn't there...I stepped out of the carriage and she wasn't there. And I knew...I knew in the pit of my soul that she would never be there anymore but I...I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to face the truth so I ran into the house shouting for her. Crying. Begging her to come out because I was home and it was okay now and I would make her happy and smile and be happy like she always was when I came home. Of course she never came when I called, but my father came instead. He told me to stop the crying and wailing, and to be a man. He said she had gotten ill and was so weak she wasn't able to write to me and tell me. He said she had died peacefully...I knew it was a lie. All a lie. I had left her and he had killed her. He had killed her because I wasn't there to protect her when I should have been...I wanted it to be me in her place and I wanted to kill him in her stead."

Harry stared up at Severus and Severus' eyes refocused until he had pulled himself back into the present.

"Of course neither of us died that night. He lived. I lived. We lived long enough for me to exact my revenge." He said with a sigh. "My own father Harry...There are many deep evil secrets within me and I would rather not taint you with any more. I just needed you to know and understand this one."

"I never meant to push you away earlier I just needed time alone...to remember," He continued softly.

Harry nodded. "It wasn't your fault Severus."

"I know," Severus answered. "But for a very long time it felt that way."

Harry nodded again.

"I understand," He said softly. "A lot of things feel that way a lot of times."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Severus shifted to pull the vial of blue cream from his robe pocket and Harry withdrew only long enough to show Severus the deep cuts he had added to his arm and spelled to stop bleeding. Severus gently removed the spell and applied the salve to the wounds.

Then they went back to rocking back and forth for just a little while longer.

X-x-X