- Harry Potter/Severus Snape
- Harry Potter Severus Snape
- Slash Angst
- The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Published: 01/12/2005Updated: 02/09/2005Words: 146,361Chapters: 30Hits: 275,831
Green Eyes Sublime
- Story Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his sixth year, only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else, Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived, because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. SS/HP, SLASH and depression related theme.
- Chapter Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his Sixth Year only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. HP/SS SLASH and depressing thoughts.
- Author's Note:
- Thanks: To my wonderful beta readers Amanda_Saitou and Philo whose wonderful help kept me sane.
Out into the Open
Harry was avoiding his friends and had been doing that for an entire week.
As he had so simply explained the night before to Severus, it wasn't really that he didn't want to speak to them, it was just a means of buying time for himself. This way, he could get his thoughts in order and explaining something so complex wouldn't make him feel or look self-centred.
Severus had scowled at Harry and asked him point blank what happened to the famous Gryffindor courage he was the symbol of. To which Harry had laughed and told Severus the story of how the Sorting Hat had wanted to put him in Slytherin.
Severus had thanked his lucky star that he had been spared with having the Boy-Who-Lived in his house to torment him for five years. Harry had laughed again and implied that perhaps he would speak to his friends the next day.
Well it was lunch time and Severus was yet to see a reconciliation take place.
Speaking of which, Harry walked into the Great Hall and looked over at the Gryffindor table with determination in his eyes. Both Ron and Hermione turned in their seats to look at him across the room and with a small smile, which they each returned, he walked over and sat in the chair between them.
Half way into the meal Harry turned and spoke to Ron and a few seconds later Ron handed him the salt. Hermione took the salt from Harry next and added it to her own meal. Then the three returned to eating their meal, seeming to make small conversation until they all began to laugh suddenly. Harry glanced over at the head table and met Severus' eyes with a small smile while the other two continued to laugh and for the first time in a long while Severus had to really fight the strong urge to smile back.
Harry didn't seem to expect more though so when he turned back to his friends he was still smiling his little smile and immediately re-joined the conversation.
"How is he doing Severus?" A soft voiced asked at his side.
Severus turned to the Headmaster sitting at his right and forced himself to be civil at least. "Do you honestly care anymore Albus?"
Dumbledore sighed. "Severus you know I will always care immensely for Harry."
When Severus didn't answer Albus sighed again and continued to speak.
"He seems to be doing a little better. I take it that last week's event was serious and I apologize if I seemed against you concerning his well being, but his time spent confiding in you seems to help you both."
Severus returned his attention to the older man and glared.
"What are you trying to do Albus? You cannot tell me that last year taught you nothing? You tried to disassociate from him too then and looked where it ended. Do not for one minute think that you can pass him off to me simply because you feel guilty for him." He said in a hard voice. "You are like a grandfather to him and the very last thing Harry needs is to have to sit alone wondering what great crime he committed this time to be merit you being unfeeling towards him."
"The last thing I mean to do is to pull the child into the midst of this impeding war if I can prevent it," Dumbledore replied and Severus almost turned away in disgust.
"He isn't a child Albus and lest you've forgotten this is Harry Potter that we're speaking of. He has been at the middle of this war since the moment the Dark Lord graced him with that scar on his forehead. He deserves more than what he has been told of this than any one else. He deserves to be treated better than the child you have deemed him to be," Severus said trying not to raise his voice.
It wouldn't do for the entire table of teachers to discover the change in relationship between him and Harry.
"Severus," Dumbledore began with infuriating patience. "I understand that you are already beginning to feel different towards him and I absolutely approve. I would just rather help him as best as I can in the only ways I can. Harry has been hurt enough, forgive me if I believe that this new relationship you have with him may help him in the end. I will always be here if he wishes to speak to me Severus, but you are right I see him as I see you, another child in need of my protection. As you have just pointed out, he needs a confidant and not another person trying to smother him in love."
"And you believe that I am this person? Have you forgotten that he has friends?" Severus spoke the word as if it was dirty.
Dumbledore smiled. "Ah, but the two of you have so much more in common."
Severus thought it best he left before he did anything as drastic as losing his temper in a Great Hall filled with brats people deemed as students. With a glare at the still smiling Headmaster and a general glare at the students in the hall he quickly exited the room.
He had first years as his first lesson that morning and really, he would need as much control as possible if he wished to get through the day and not hex anyone at this insufferable school.
"That Greasy git! Ten points just because I almost made a mistake. Almost! What would have happened if I'd actually added the 'hair of banshee' into the potion?" Ron's voice was so high it was almost shrill.
Hermione sighed impatiently as the three entered the boys' room. Harry immediately dropped onto his bed as he watched Hermione glare at Ron. Potions was his last class for the door and he had planned on doing a bit of studying before dinner at eight. Seemed his friends had other things planned.
"It would have exploded Ron! You should feel quite happy that both Snape and I stopped you in time or the whole room would have been doused with the potion and who knows what the effects would have been. This is sixth year Potions Ron not first or second. They are very dangerous." Hermione said impatiently.
Ron glared back at her. "Whose side are you on 'Mione?"
Hermione gasped in anger and Harry groaned loudly as he held his hand over his face. He could feel a headache coming on and he really wasn't sure if having his two friends constantly bickering in his ear would help any.
"Harry? Oh we're sorry Harry," Hermione immediately said as she sat beside him and pulled him into a tight hug.
"Yeah, sorry mate," Ron's voice sounded just as apologetic as Hermione's and Harry groaned again before removing his hand and smiled at each of them in turn.
"Bloody hell, you don't have to walk on egg shells around me you know," He teased. "I would just rather having some kind of reprieve from the constant shouting the two of you like to engage in. Better yet, why don't the two of you just snog or something so we can all be happy?"
Of course, his two friends immediately began to blush and Harry laughed softly.
"But I thought you liked her too." If possible Ron became even more red. "I mean, if you do I...I'm all for backing down and letting the two of you...you know...get together. I mean, I'd feel very weird and I may need a while to get used to it...but...I'd come around...I guess."
Harry smiled and turned to Hermione. "Well 'Mione, you won't need to do the bed thing it seems. The bloke's come out and said he likes you twice so far. Isn't it fair you just come right out and answer him."
With tears shining in her eyes, Hermione flew into Ron's arms and hugged him so tightly Harry was sure Ron would pass out soon. Instead Ron hugged her back just as tightly, pressing a kiss against her temple.
"But what about you Harry?" Ron asked again softly once he and Hermione had finally released each other.
"You're not my type," Harry laughed and Ron scowled.
"You know I meant about you liking Hermione too."
Harry was still smiling when he gently said, "Hermione is farther away from my type that you were. So no I don't like her that way."
Ron's eyes narrowed. "Well okay, that's a relief to know mate, but hey what's wrong with 'Mione?"
Harry groaned, began to blush too and dropped his face in his hands before he summoned the courage to answer and when he did Ron pointed out that he didn't speak 'muffled' so Harry had to repeat.
"Wrong gender Ron," Harry finally said again, forcing his gaze to remain steady.
Hermione's only reaction was an "oh" and a shrug but Ron's mouth fell open as the implication hit home. Harry groaned, still blushing but decided that starting in the middle of what he needed to tell them was not necessarily the best thing.
'Well at least it's a place to start.'
He removed his school robe and shirt and pointed to the scar on his chest again, then explained to his silent friends why he had that scar...and why he had needed the others to keep his sanity.
By the time he was finished unloading his burdens on them, Hermione was crying again and Ron offered to walk her to the Common Room. Hermione had Muggle Studies to attend in half an hour later at five and Ron had History of Magic at six. They had left their bags in the Common Room and because Harry had been too lazy his was down there also. Harry let them go because he realized that they needed time away from his company to deal in their own ways.
As soon as they left, Harry grabbed his wand and ducked into the dormitory bathroom and wondered if Severus would be in his quarters at this time of day.
Severus looked up from his table suddenly at the three sharp raps on his door and did not even try to hide his surprise when Harry entered the room. A quick consultation with his wand assured him in a green mist that he indeed was not imagining the young wizard's presence in his quarters at 5:00pm.
"Are you very busy?" Harry asked, finally closing the door then dropping his bag on the floor at his feet.
"Do you have a detention to serve?" Severus countered and Harry smirked.
"Nope," He replied as he made his way over to 'his' couch and sat down heavily. "I just need somewhere to breathe freely for a while. Since you worked so hard to get me to relax here, it was the first place I thought of. Of course...I could leave...you know...if...well...you want me to."
Severus returned to the parchments he had been working on and Harry took that to mean that Severus didn't really care one way or the other if Harry decided to stay or not.
"Don't you ever do anything but sit at that table Severus?" He interrupted his professor.
"Yes, I do. It's just your misfortune that it's all I seem to do while you're here," Severus replied without looking up.
Harry sprang up from his seat on the couch. "Well, here's your chance to prove me wrong."
He waited for a while until finally Severus replied, "Sorry Potter that will have to be done another time. I am busy."
"Alright then, I'll just find something to do," Harry declared with a roll of his eyes.
He walked over to the first shelf of potions and began to scan the names slowly. Most of them he had never heard of before in all his six years at Hogwarts and he was almost tempted to believe that some of them were probably not legal anyway. After all how legal could a Blood Leech Potion be? The one he was trying to look for wasn't there on that first set of shelves so he moved onto the next set.
It wasn't on that one either and he was just about to move onto the next set when he heard Severus' voice.
"Are you looking for this Potter or was there another potion you seemed so intent on?"
He was holding up the vial of light blue cream. Harry at least had the common decency to blush and for a few seconds he couldn't even force himself to look the other man in the eyes. Yes he had been looking for it, but he had also wanted to check out Severus' supply of potions. Not that the man would believe that now.
Harry nodded. "Doesn't it have a name?"
"No it doesn't yet," Severus said playing a little with the vial between his fingers. "Perhaps since you have become so dependent on it you may want to assign it a name."
Harry didn't comment at that and in fact he again couldn't meet Severus' eyes so he began to stare fixedly at the carpet beneath his feet.
"Harry," Harry slowly looked up at the soft word to slowly meet the onyx eyes on him. "Come here."
As if pulled by the string of concern in the words, Harry walked over to stand beside Severus' chair. Without a word he removed him robe then his shirt. On his left side, between his collarbone and arm ran a fresh cut still red even though it was magically sealed to stop the flow of blood. Harry hadn't even tried to conceal it with a spell so it was very obvious against the lighter shade of his shoulder.
Severus stood up from his chair, barely a few inches between them as he uncorked the vial. Harry closed his eyes waiting for Severus' deft fingers to apply the cream to his wound and when the fingers disappeared he opened his eyes to the feel of the slight warm tingling feeling of his skin healing...and yet not.
"Is this the point at which you confiscate my wand and hex it so that it never allows me to use the spell to conjure up the blade again?"
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes. No. Maybe," Harry said this time refusing to turn away from the man still standing near him. "Maybe I just want you to do something. Force me to stop. Shout at me. Threaten me. I don't know. Maybe...just anything."
Severus sat back down. "Why Mr. Potter? So you have something to hold on to? And what happens in the moments that I am not there to stop you...threaten you...do something? Would you use that as your excuse to continue and blame it on me?"
"No!" Harry said but he turned a light shade of red.
Severus leveled him with an intense look. "Well Mr. Potter, you will have to fight this demon on your own. Only you can stop. All I can do is to make sure that you don't die unintentionally. When you make up your mind to stop, you will stop."
"It's not that easy you know!" Harry said as he put his shirt back on and returned to sitting on the couch again. "Try being me for a day. Try living with the constant knowledge of existing as Harry Potter to know how hard it is."
"I never said it was easy for you Mr. Potter. I never said stopping would be easy either," Severus answered, returning to scribbling on the parchment before him. "I was merely stating an important point. Believe me, I would not have to be you to understand what you do and why. Just because your life does not leave you floating on the Oblivious spell doesn't mean that everyone else's does."
Harry was silent for a few seconds before his eyes narrowed and he sprang up from the couch again.
Severus stopped writing when Harry came to stand expectantly beside him. Harry lifted Severus' hand, which wasn't holding the quill, and pushed back the sleeves of the man's robe to as far as it went and scanned the arm he held. There was nothing there. None of the scars he was so sure he would see was present on the professor's arm and Harry blushed deeply.
He had been so sure that the scars would be there. After all the man hadn't had the best childhood either.
Severus raised an eyebrow but without a word he extracted his arm. Harry returned to the black velvet couch still blushing a little and he sat in deep thoughts for minutes.
"I have to go," He said very softly but didn't seem to want to move.
"I see," Severus said and Harry looked up to look at him with deeply sad eyes.
Finally breaking the eye contact, Harry stood, collected his school robe from where he had dropped it onto the floor then walked over to his bag and slung it over one shoulder as he reached for the door knob.
"Harry," Severus' voice stopped him. "Why is it so important that I don't...?"
"It isn't," Harry shook his head then stopped and sighed. "It is. It is...because I...see it's so much easier to understand something if you've been through it yourself and I guess secretly I thought you personally...understood."
"I see," Severus said again.
Harry turned slightly to look over at him and gave a small smile. Then with a deep breath as he turned around Harry slipped through the door closing it with a click.
Severus stared at the spot the younger man had stood and thought of all the scars he had seen on Harry's chest a week before. Then with his own soft sigh he returned to the parchments before him on his table and proceeded to submerge his thoughts in the words before his eyes.
Socks clad feet hurried along the corridors as he held his shoes in his hands, hidden beneath his invisible cloak that he hoped was concealing his every movement. He had realized that when a Gryffindor ventured into the Slytherin dungeons in the early hours of the morning without permission, the more precautions taken, the better. Thus the lack of shoes and the hurried strides. Two turns to the left, one to the right, straight ahead for a while then a turn to the right again....
'Or was it left again at the suit of armour?'
Harry swore silently in his mind. After all the trips he had taken to see Severus at nights it always seemed so much more complicated when he had no true purpose in mind. It was as if everything in the dungeon reacted to his intentions and they knew what he intended to do would not be to Severus' liking.
Well Harry had been doing it for the entire week now and difficult or not, he had no intentions of stopping any time soon.
'I need to do this damn it! Otherwise I'll never get any sleep!'
Then there was the door with the funny doorknob. It always showed up sooner or later, Harry knew. He just had to be patient and swear a bit and argue a bit in his mind and the dungeon would have pity on his and slip everything back into it's correct order.
Three very soft knocks on the door and as always a silent prayer that Severus had already gone to bed and Harry was able to enter the room he knew so well now. He closed the door slowly then turned to look at the table across the room and before it was the velvet black couch with the crest of 'Snape' on the front of the backrest.
Harry was really beginning to love everything about 'his' couch.
Placing his shoes at the foot of the chair he slipped out of the invisibility cloak and folding it, laid it beside his shoes then climbing into the couch he got into his comfortable position of head on one arm rest and feet curled near the other. Then with a soft sigh of contentment, slowly drifted off to sleep.
As always, Severus quietly walked left his room when he was sure the boy was asleep to stand looking down at the sleeping form stubbornly breaking about three school rules to do as he pleased and Severus scowled.
If he insisted on using the invisibility cloak to sneak in, then Merlin, why wasn't he smart enough to use the thing as a blanket each night.
He softly cast a temporary heating spell, which would break once Harry woke, as he seemed to be doing each night now and softly walked to his room. Silently cursing in his mind about meddlesome wizards who had silly notions of him making good confidants to stubborn little Gryffindor heroes.
Harry screamed and Severus was grateful that he had cast a silencing shield on his quarters ever since that first night Harry had snuck in a week before.
"Harry wake up!"
He shook the boy but even upon opening his eyes Harry still kept continuously screaming. Then suddenly it stopped and Harry's eyes rolled back in his head, his mouth open but no sound ensuing from within. His body began to tremble violently, silent tears running down his face and all Severus could do was watch in horror.
'The Cruciatius Curse? But how?'
Pulling Harry into a sitting position, Severus wrapped strong arms around the trembling body, knowing that if it didn't end soon Harry was going to end up in the same ward at St. Mungos as the Longbottoms.
Harry began to whimper, then sobbing and soon the trembling lessened also and Harry clung to the warm body against his still trembling but now at least semi conscious and aware that he wasn't anywhere near Voldemort and he wasn't going to die from the pain neurons in his body overloading.
He buried his face against the black robe material of Severus' chest still whimpering and trembling and gasping for breath.
"Breathe slowly in and out and soon it will pass."
Harry listened to the words as rumbled vibrations against his face and he obeyed. In and out, he breathed slowly as he listened to the rhythmic beating of Severus' heart and soon his own heart began to slow, beating its own rhythm, melting to form a variation with Severus' rhythm.
"Harry," Severus shifted gently and reluctantly Harry moved out of the embrace. "What happened?"
"It wasn't me," Harry shook his head before grasping his scar, which had begun to burn horribly. "It wasn't meant for me I mean. It was another Muggle family. A whole family. Three children and their parents. Voldemort seemed so angry. The baby was crying. He put the baby under the spell too and...it was...they were all screaming so loudly and suddenly it was me. I was all of them, feeling his anger and his curse."
Severus nodded silently then stood to retrieve a potion from his shelf.
"Drink this, it'll stop your body from going into shock," He said handing Harry the potion and Harry drank it without question.
"Where's your pensieve?" Severus asked when Harry had calmed and his hand was no longer pressed to his forehead.
Harry gave him an apologetic look before answering softly, "Left it in my room. Too much trouble to take down here."
Severus walked around his table to sit there and seemed to be lost in thought for a while.
"Are you very angry?" Harry asked softly. "I'm sorry I sneaked in here. I sleep better. I mean tonight not counting."
Severus handed him a quill and a piece of parchment. "I'm not angry, but we can't discuss this now. I want you to write down your vision before you forget so it can be flooed to Albus. Try to make it to breakfast this morning. That potion should not have been taken on an empty stomach."
He rose and walked over towards the door for his room before Harry's voice stopped him.
"Severus, I'm sorry. Please don't be angry. I just...like...it here. I told you, I sleep better."
Severus sighed softly with his back still to Harry. "I know you do. You've been careful so far to not get caught by anyone. Do try not to in the future also. Sneaking into a Professor's quarters in the middle of the night without permission, especially using an invisibility cloak, is very dangerous. Someone might have hexed you first and asked questions later."
"So I can continue?" There was a distinct smile behind the words.
"You can do whatever you want Mr. Potter. You seem to have carte blanche when it comes to the Headmaster and most of the other Professors at this school. But as I said be careful. Now write the letter and leave for breakfast. I will see you in Potions." Severus turned to look at Harry suddenly glaring but Harry grinned knowing what would come next. "For your sake I hope you've finished the assignment. You and I both know that you don't have that sort of freedom when it comes to Potions and me, Mr. Potter. I will have no qualms about deducting points from Gryffindor and giving you a week long detention if I have to."
Harry laughed and Severus was left with the unsettling feeling of not being taken serious for the first time in his life.
"Would that be detention with you Professor Snape?" Harry asked, making his way towards the front door still smiling. "And should I be prepared to stand in the midst of the Forbidden Forrest without my wand to help me fend off the dangerous creatures, because you know that has to be illegal somewhere in the Wizarding world."
Severus glared dangerously and Harry smiled then laughed again.
Each slipped through their doors. One fighting the urge to be amused and the other already making plans to return the next night to sleeping on the velvet couch again.
Both were looking forward to Potions classes now in their own way.