Harry Potter and the Book of Shadows

The Darklands

No one spoke. Looking trapped, Persephone took a step backward. Harry saw Lupin try to move forward, hindered by the stock-still forms of several Weasleys.

Even though she had made it blatantly clear she didn't trust her from the start, even Tonks looked stunned. "You're...you're...one of them?"

Persephone looked absolutely frozen with fear.

Nononononononononononono...

Harry heard the terrified chant somewhere in the back of his mind, and the part of his brain that wasn't numbed with shock began to put the pieces together. Persephone threw a panicked look at Snape.

Save me

However, he merely stared back, stunned into silence much like everyone else in the room.

"How could Dumbledore have let this happen?" McGonagall had finally found her voice.

"No," Lupin said, pushing Charlie aside. Persephone's eyes sprang to him. "Seph, don't."

"Don't what?" Tonks exclaimed, her voice high-pitched and frightened.

There was a sort of muffled sob from the top of the stairs and Harry followed Persephone's wide-eyed gaze to see Ginny, slumped in horrified astonishment on the top stair. Staring down at Persephone with an expression of mingled confusion and revulsion, Ginny's eyes filled with tears.

"I thought you were my friend."

Closing her eyes as if in pain, Persephone turned toward the door. There were several muffled gasps and even Harry winced at the thin white scars that crisscrossed the skin between her shoulder blades. Pulling the invisibility cloak off, she reached for the doorknob.

"Seph, don't!" Lupin reached for her.

Ignoring him, she fled out the door. After glaring expectantly at Snape for a moment, Lupin let out a frustrated noise, angrily yanked a cloak off the coat tree and struggled into it.

Staring at him, Tonks stuttered, "What are you doing?"

"Someone has to go after her." Lupin's hand was on the doorknob. He jabbed a finger at Snape, who stood as shocked and still as ever. "You can explain this to them."

Everyone's eyes turned to him, hoping for something to finally make sense. Harry however, had barely registered the exchange. Images, before muddled and confusing, now stood out in sharp relief in his mind. Once just a mess of distorted fragments and jumbled but powerful emotions, the nightmares he'd had since the beginning of the year resolved themselves into crystal clear memories he was powerless to control.

What had once been a confusing rush of color and pain was now a clear image of him standing in front of a girl's room mirror, the initial shock of the hideous scarlet brand on his chest almost instantly turning to disbelief and an agonizing sense of betrayal. The vague idea of broken glass became smashed fragments of mirror. He ignored the screams of the other girls as he attacked his own image, then tried to use the scattered shards to carve the hated symbol from his own flesh. His mind skipped to the next memory and a sudden sense of fear flooded him as he realized the girl across from him, who he had thought his closest friend, had added an odd and unstable mixture of potions to his drink. Here the memory images remained confused, though the remembered feelings of fear and treachery stabbed sharply though his heart. Jumping up to run from the traitor and foolishly hoping to outrun his own past, he sped toward a source of light. Too late he realized it was not the door his memory had tricked him into thinking it was, but a stained glass window. Lost to memories of terror and pain, he crashed through it, barely feeling the slice of razor-sharp glass or the final, crushing blow of unforgiving, frozen ground. Darkness flooded his mind and Harry tried to sink into it, away from the forced memories that were not his own. A blinding light pierced his eyes while harsh laugher grated on his ears and rough hands dragged him upright. Realizing the memories hadn't stopped, Harry struggled against them, unable to keep himself from watching. Frozen in the Full Body-Bind, he saw the red-hot tip of a wand and, unable to open his mouth to scream, felt tears pour down his face as blinding pain became his only world.

When the grip of the nightmare-memories finally released him, Harry blinked tears away to see everyone staring at him in openmouthed disbelief. The mingled horror and shock on the assembled faces told him he'd babbled everything he'd just seen in his head out loud. For some unknown reason, he caught Snape's eye.

"They were hers," Harry managed to gasp out. "The nightmares were hers."

He spun around, ran up the stairs past Ron and the others, into the bathroom, slammed the door behind him, and threw up. When he was finished, he locked the door, splashed water on his face, and turned the gas lamp as low as it would go. Ignoring the pounding on the door and Hermione's anxious voice, Harry collapsed on the floor and curled into a ball.

When would it stop? Why couldn't someone else have had to watch her remember being tortured? Why did it have to be him? Didn't he have enough horrible memories of his own? The tears started again and Harry squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to relive her awful past yet again. He could barely deal with his own memories, why did he have to remember things that had nothing to do with him? He wanted to escape. Escape the terrible images, escape Hermione's insistent pounding on the bathroom door, escape everything in his head.

Desperately trying to clear his mind, Harry felt the soft call of the inky blackness once again. Snape had warned him never to slip into the shadowy recesses of his mind again, but had never explained why. The soft, dark expanse promised solitude and calm, luring him away from the frantic voices beyond the bathroom door. Not caring what might happen, only that somewhere in that vast empty expanse he might find relief, Harry allowed himself to sink into the deep, dark abyss.

Lupin hurried through the dirty, grey streets, his eyes following the mishmash of footprints made in the gritty slush. There had been no distinctive sound of Apparating, and he hoped Persephone had kept on foot instead of attempting it once she got far enough away from the house. He cursed himself and everything in general as he followed what he hoped were her tracks for several frozen blocks. She had most likely run the whole way, but already tired, Lupin tried to pace himself since he didn't know how far he had to go. When her shoe prints veered off the sidewalk, Lupin looked up at the building and shook his head. Sighing, he reached for the door and pulled it open.

The interior of the bar was smoky and badly lit. Exactly the kind of atmosphere that suited the haggard and despondent looks of the patrons he passed. Ignoring the barmaid's appraising glance, his eye caught a flash of blonde hair in the farthest shadowy corner. Carefully making his way past drunk and grumbling customers, Lupin found her hunched on a chair, her back to the corner. A bottle of amber liquid sat on the table, along with a couple of spotty glasses. Persephone's hand swirled a measure of firewhisky around the bottom of one, her eyes following the swirl and eddy of the liquid.

There was more missing from the bottle than Lupin would have expected, or liked, and he hoped it had already been open before she bought it. He doubted it. Pulling the bottle toward him, he sat across from her. She didn't seem overly surprised to see him.

Pouring a healthy amount into the spare tumbler, he said, "I told Severus to tell them the truth."

She laughed mirthlessly and swallowed her whisky. "Some good that'll do."

"You don't think they'll believe him?" Lupin asked, watching her pour twice as much as he had into her own glass.

She pinned him with an empty smile and said, "He didn't know." Her first instinct had been to look to Snape for help. An instinct she knew it was better to ignore.

"You didn't tell him?" Lupin took a swallow of the whisky, coughing slightly. He hadn't planned on drinking it, only reducing the amount she had to drink, but suddenly felt he needed it.

Shaking her head, she said, "No."

"Why not?" Lupin demanded to know.

Persephone took a moment from contemplating the contents of her glass to raise a sardonic eyebrow at Lupin. "For the same reason you don't introduce yourself, 'Hello, my name's Remus Lupin and I'm a werewolf', I'd imagine."

"Seph-" Lupin stopped as she filled her glass again. "Haven't you had enough?"

Taking a large swallow, she peered at the rapidly emptying bottle. "S'not empty yet, so I'm guessing no."

"What exactly, are you hoping to accomplish here?" The conversation was straying into all too familiar territory.

"Temporary oblivion," she replied, downing the remainder of her whisky.

Snatching the bottle out of her reach, Lupin poured more into his own glass, if only to keep it out of her system. She merely waited until he set it down again and poured herself another. Taking a deep breath, Lupin fought to keep his voice calm. He didn't know how she had managed it all those months ago. "This isn't going to solve your problems."

She leaned forward to whisper conspiratorially, "This conversation is starting to sound awfully familiar."

"Then you know how it's going to end," Lupin replied firmly.

She seemed to consider, then smiled, "Somehow, I don't think I'll be in any shape to drag you back this time."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Lupin tried to be patient. After all, she had coaxed him through his week-long bender when he'd first arrived at the ranch. It was the least he could do in return. He tried another tack. "What do you plan to do once this is empty?"

After thinking for a moment, she said, "Probably pass out on the floor."

"Oh, that's great," Lupin said exasperated. "That's fantastic."

"I never said it was a good plan," Persephone snickered.

"Seriously, Seph," Lupin said quietly. "Where are you going to go?"

Her expression clouded and she mumbled, "Does it matter?"

"It matters to me," Lupin stated flatly. "And to a number of other people back at the house."

Persephone looked around as though she had lost something and then stared at Lupin. "I'm sorry, what? Did you miss something back there?"

"Maybe you did," Lupin countered. "You didn't even give them a chance. You could have told them the truth yourself."

She laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, the truth. Yeah, because that went over so well the last time." She took another large swallow and stared into the empty glass. "The last two times."

"You said Rob and Carrie-"

"Knew from the beginning," she interrupted, splashing more liquid into her tumbler. "Yes, they did. And look where I am now." She gestured widely with her glass, spilling some of its contents.

Lupin sighed. "Look, just come back and explain. I know they'll believe you. At least give them a chance."

"They didn't give me a chance," she muttered darkly.

"Oh, very mature." Lupin struggled not to lose his temper and took another drink. When she continued to stare sullenly at the table, he poured himself another and quickly drank that as well. "Fine. Go wherever you want."

Persephone looked up at him, her brows forming a tiny furrow. Seeing he had her attention, Lupin added, "Tomorrow. But for tonight, come back to the house." Holding up a hand to stop whatever protest she was about to make, he said, "You don't have to explain anything to anyone, just stay until you know where it is you're going to go. Okay?"

She looked down. "I could go to the summerhouse."

"Seph, please. Just for tonight," he cajoled. "It'll be okay, I promise."

Her eyes were shining when she looked at him. "You should stop making promises you can't keep."

"Seph," Lupin said, hurt.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "It's as much my fault for being stupid enough to believe you." Picking up the bottle, she noticed it was much emptier than she had thought. "Hmmm."

Watching her take another drink, Lupin said, "Okay, time to go."

He stood and immediately swayed sideways and into the table. Snickering, Persephone said, "Might be harder than you thought."

His head swimming, Lupin picked up the bottle. "What the hell were you drinking? I thought it was firewhisky."

She stood, knocking over her chair in the process. "Yep, the one-fifty-one."

Lupin swore. She laughed as she made her way around the table. He willed the room to stop spinning. Grabbing the not-quite-empty bottle off the table, Persephone led the way out, excusing herself as she bumped into chairs and tables along the way.

Before they reached the door, Lupin pulled the bottle out of her hand. "You've had enough."

"You've had more than enough." She gave him a mock stern look. "Maybe if you'd eaten more today-"

"Now is not the time." Setting the whisky roughly on a table, Lupin bid the surprised patron a Merry Christmas and led Persephone out into the cold night air. Taking a deep breath, he hoped they'd make it back in one piece. He didn't take another deep breath until they stood in front of the door to Number Twelve and he heard the locks click open. Shoving her in ahead of him rather roughly, Lupin was surprised to see Dumbledore standing in the foyer.

"You told me I wouldn't have to explain-" Angry, Persephone whirled around to face Lupin and lost her balance.

Lupin barely caught her, using all the strength he had left not to fall over on top of her. Trying not to slur his words, he greeted the man standing unperturbed in the entryway. "Dumbledore."

"I just wanted to make sure you returned safely," Dumbledore said, giving Remus a meaningful look. Obviously someone had filled him in in their absence and Lupin only wished he knew what he had been told. Not that he was in any shape to confirm or contradict.

"I'm just peachy, thanks." Half fallen over and facing the wrong way, Persephone raised her arm and waved. "Just effin' peachy."

Lupin saw Dumbledore's lifted brow and tried to shrug without dropping the dead weight draped over his arm.

"Someone wanted to have a word with you-"

Poking Lupin sharply in the leg, Persephone said, "I told you so."

"But perhaps it should wait," Dumbledore concluded, glancing toward the drawing room.

"That would probably be best," Lupin agreed, trying to look solemn.

With a nod, Dumbledore left. Losing his grip, Lupin dropped Persephone into an ungraceful heap onto the floor.

"Ow."

"Sorry." He tried to pull her back to her feet but she remained a limp, uncooperative mass.

"I'm good here, thanks," she mumbled.

"Seph, you can't sleep on the entry floor." Lupin tried once again unsuccessfully to pull her to her feet, though he had half a mind just to join her there.

"Whnnot?" she slurred.

Lupin knew there was a good reason, he just couldn't think of it at that moment. After a few more failed attempts, he managed to haul Persephone to a more upright position. "All right. Time to go upstairs."

She shoved him away. "You've gotten really bossy lately, you know that?"

Lupin sighed and took her hand. "I know, Seph. Come on." When she resisted, he turned.

"Why?"

He knew she wasn't questioning their ability to make it up two flights of stairs. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, he said, "It's okay, Seph."

Shaking her head, her face was the picture of abject misery. "No, it's not! Nothing is okay." She clenched one fist and hit him in the chest. "It's not fair! Why couldn't it be you?"

Not understanding, Lupin put his hand over hers to stop her halfhearted beating. "Seph, stop."

"Why couldn't it be you?" she repeated, collapsing against him. "Why couldn't it be you?"

"Please stop," Lupin whispered, holding her. "It's okay."

"No, it's not," she said, her voice breaking.

Remembering what she'd told him when he'd been at his lowest, he lifted her chin and said quietly, "It will be."

He didn't know if it was because of the hopelessness in her eyes, or a far less altruistic reason, but he gave into his only coherent thought and kissed her. He would have let her go immediately if only she hadn't clung to him like he was the only thing that stood between her and unrelenting despair. The thought that at that moment he might very well be, coupled with the quantity of firewhisky he'd consumed, silenced the small voice in the back of his mind that told him what he was doing was a very bad idea. This time, when he pulled her toward the stairs, she followed willingly. Neither of them heard the cold, empty click of the front door closing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Harry, wake up."

The voice was far away but very insistent. Comfortably numb, Harry noted it, but didn't respond.

"Harry, wake up right now," the voice demanded.

Beyond caring, he let the words fade into the soft cloak of blackness that surrounded him. Suddenly, he felt a sort of jolt, but it passed as quickly as it had come. Before he could settle back into oblivion, there came another jerk, and another, and ignoring the voice was no longer an option.

"Get up! You get up this instant!" Something pierced Harry's deadened senses and he drifted toward the voice, high-pitched with fear. "Do you hear me? You wake up right now! Dammit, Harry!"

As he neared the edge of the shadows, he felt an odd sort of tingling in his limbs, not unlike the slow return of feeling when the Full Body-Bind wore off. Allowing himself to leave the comforting darkness, but still within the confines of his own mind, Harry realized someone was shaking him quite roughly.

"Wake up, damn you!" Harry felt a sharp sting of pain followed by a terrified voice yelling, "Don't you dare give up now. You wake up or so help me-"

This last was punctuated by another sharp sting. Instinctively, he retreated, his first thought being Dudley and his cronies had cornered him again.

"Ginny, stop!" Surprised, Harry hazily registered Ron's voice. "Hasn't he been through enough?"

"Make him wake up!" she cried. There was more rough shaking and another cry insisting he wake up. Then her voice dropped and pleaded, "Harry, please. Come on, wake up. Please, Harry."

Slowly, Harry blinked and bit by bit, the room swam into view. He saw two pairs of feet rush though the doorway, and for some reason, identified the fluffy pink socks as belonging to Hermione.

"What happened?"

Lupin's worried voice made Harry blink a few more times in an effort to clear his head. His eyes were gritty, his limbs felt stiff and heavy, and his mind felt fuzzy and unresponsive. What was going on?

"He won't wake up!" Ginny's voice was nearing hysterical. "Make him wake up!"

Another stinging sensation made Harry flop his hand in the vague direction the slap had come from in protest. There was a cry of relief and Harry felt someone's hands on his head. "Harry? Harry, can you hear me?"

His eyes finally focusing, Harry saw Lupin's worried face swim into view. "Hungh?" was all he could manage, his tongue feeling thick.

"What did you do?" Lupin demanded to know. "Harry, focus. Did you take something? A potion? Did you try to charm yourself?"

He tried to shake his head and managed to mumble, "No."

"What, then? Stay with me." Lupin's blue eyes held his. "Tell me what happened."

Awareness was slowly pouring in. He was still lying on the bathroom floor in Number Twelve. Images from the night before loomed, but Harry shut them away. "I...went away. Into the dark. It was quiet...and black... far away from everything."

"You went into the dark?" Lupin asked, confused. "In your mind, you mean?"

"Yeah..." Harry tried to nod. "Into the blackness. Snape said not to go, but it was nice..."

He heard a muffled cry and saw Hermione trying to comfort a sobbing Ginny. His brow furrowing, Harry asked, "What happened? Is Ginny okay?"

Wrenching away from Hermione, Ginny knelt by Harry and grabbed his shirt, knocking Lupin away. Harry immediately realized who had been shaking him so violently. "No, I'm not okay! I thought you were dead! Why didn't you answer me?"

"Gin, that's enough." Ron pulled his sister away, looking between her and Harry in confusion and fear.

"I did answer you," Harry mumbled. "I woke up like you asked."

"You're sure you didn't take anything?" Lupin asked again. When Harry replied he was sure he hadn't, Lupin helped him sit up.

Details resolved themselves as Harry regained his senses. Obviously coming out of the darkness within his mind had some disturbing side effects, but other than the fuzzy feeling that was quickly fading, Harry failed to see why Snape had warned him so strongly against going there.

"Harry, you should-" Lupin looked helplessly around the bathroom, obviously at a loss. "I don't know. Get up. Stay awake. I'm going to go see if someone knows..." He threw a look at Hermione and Ron. "Make sure he stays conscious."

Lupin hurried out of the bathroom and they heard his footsteps clamber down the stairs.

Once in the kitchen, Lupin hastily tossed Floo powder into the fire. After several panicked calls into Dumbledore's office went unanswered, he threw another pinch of powder into the fire.

"Severus, I need to talk to you!" Lupin tried to remain calm. After a moment he shouted, "This is an emergency! Dammit, where is everyone?"

Just as he was about to give up and just drag Harry to St. Mungo's, Snape's face appeared in the fire. Seeing the cold look in his eyes, Lupin stopped. "What's wrong?"

"What do you want?"

Snape's voice had an icy edge to it Lupin couldn't justify. Though his face bore a familiar expression he'd seen quite often when they were younger, the controlled hate in his eyes had almost always been reserved for James or Sirius. Not understanding why he was suddenly its focus, Lupin remembered why he had called. "Something's wrong with Harry."

"That is an understatement hardly worth my time. You'll have to be more specific." Snape glared at him.

Unsure, Lupin tried to explain what Hermione had told him they'd found when, finally giving in to their worry, she and the others had broken down the bathroom door that morning.

"I warned Potter not to go back into the darkness." Lupin thought Snape looked almost satisfied.

"What happened?" Lupin asked.

"Ah, yes," Snape said coldly. "You did miss Potter's little episode last night, didn't you? Apparently, he's been having Miss Hade's nightmares all year. Or rather, reliving her memories. I assume the shock of what he saw incited him to escape into his own mind."

"Wait, what?" Lupin sat. "He's had Seph's... then he told you what happened? To her, I mean?"

Snape ignored Lupin's question. "Has he responded at all?"

"He's awake now, but he seems a little...off," Lupin said. "Why would he have been having-"

Interrupting, Snape looked mildly surprised. "Awake? Then he will be fine."

"Are you sure?" Lupin asked, momentarily distracted. "Do we have to do anything? Keep him alert?"

"He will be fine," Snape repeated. "If you have any further questions you can direct them to Miss Hade. I'm sure she would be happy to tell you anything you want to know."

Hearing the subtle emphasis, Lupin stopped, a terrible realization coming over him. "Wait. Last night... It's not what-"

"Spare me," Snape hissed. "It's hardly my concern."

Flushing angrily, Lupin said, "Don't be... Nothing happened!"

Snape shot him one last hate-filled look before disappearing. "Potter and Black would be quite proud, I imagine."

"This is not the time-" Lupin shouted to the empty fireplace.

Swearing, he slumped into a chair and put his head down on the table. Snape's Occlumency abilities notwithstanding, Remus had always been a terrible liar. Knowing his own problems were not as significant, he sighed and headed back upstairs to see to Harry.

In the bathroom, Harry sat on the edge of the bathtub while the others stood across from him, looking alternately concerned and afraid. The uncomfortable silence stretched until Harry couldn't stand it any longer.

"What happened?"

Ron exchanged an awkward look with Hermione. "We were going to ask you the same thing."

"I was..." Harry trailed off, uncertain. "Asleep."

"You didn't look like you were sleeping," Ron said, frowning.

Annoyed at the big ordeal everyone was making out of nothing, Harry snapped, "What did I look like, then?"

"You looked like you were dead!" Ginny's voice was a bit hoarse from yelling at Harry.

Seeing Harry's disbelief, Ron agreed with his sister. "Really, mate. Your eyes were kind of half open and you were just lying there... And when we tried to wake you up, you didn't even move. It was scary."

"You didn't try to charm yourself or anything, did you, Harry?" Hermione asked in a small voice.

"I said I didn't," Harry responded a bit angrily. "After... I just wanted to be left alone so I used what I learned in Occlumency and cleared my mind. That's all."

Ginny looked skeptical. "I don't remember anything about going catatonic in anything I read about Occlumency."

Harry was tired of their scrutiny and stood. "I'm fine now, so what does it matter anyway?"

He stalked past them out the bathroom door. He didn't know exactly where he was going, but remembered Lupin had gone to see if anyone else had any interesting theories on his latest embarrassing episode. Harry thought he ought to at least give Lupin a chance to chide him before retreating into his room for the rest of the day. Heading to the drawing room on the first floor, he tried not to let his annoyance show when his friends followed him.

"What you saw," Ginny started as they descended the stairs, "last night, I mean. Those...memories. Did all that really happen?"

Harry shrugged, he didn't want to think about the horrific memories that didn't belong to him. "I guess so. I mean, it felt pretty real. You all saw what they did to her." Seeing his chance to deflect the conversation away from himself, Harry asked, "Is she okay? I mean, did she come back?"

Inexplicably, Hermione flushed bright red. Stammering she said, "She's, uh, she's here."

"How do you know?" Ron asked, stopping on the stairs. "I didn't hear anyone come back last night before Mum split us up."

When it had become clear Harry was going to ignore them and remain holed up in the bathroom, they had retreated to Ginny's room to discuss what had happened. That, and hopefully from the vantage from her window, see if Lupin managed to return with Persephone. Mrs. Weasley had quickly put an end to that plan, telling them all to go to their rooms. Unwilling to risk her already ruffled composure, they had agreed without argument.

Her blush deepening, Hermione looked at the floor. "When I went to get Professor, well he's not anymore... Anyway, um, when I went to get Lupin, that is, I saw her."

Exasperated, Ginny asked, "So what's the big-" Her eyes widened and she put a hand over her mouth. "Oh."

"Yeah," Hermione said, looking mortified.

Exchanging a look with Ron, Harry said, "What?"

Slowly, as if explaining to a child, Ginny explained, "Just now, Hermione went to Lupin's room to get him to help Harry." When this did not elicit understanding, she added, "She wouldn't have been knocking on other doors along the way."

Ron's forehead wrinkled. "So what? Did she run into her in the hall or-" Ron stopped. "Wait, you mean he slept with-"

"Shut up!" Ginny hissed.

"Try to have a little tact, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed, her face flaming as she continued down the stairs, headed for the drawing room.

"Seph-" Having seen her through the open drawing room door, Lupin decided since Severus seemed rather unconcerned, Harry could probably wait a few more minutes. Ron and the others would alert him if something happened, in any case. Knowing there was no good way to start, he simply stood next to her, looked out the window, and said, "I just talked to Severus."

Nothing in her posture or expression changed, nor did she reply.

"He knows." Lupin knew he wouldn't have to elaborate and was thankful for it. He'd had enough awkward conversations already that day. This time a sort of sad resignation settled over Persephone, though she still did not look away from the window.

Lupin wished there was something he could say to fix the mess they'd made. "I know if you just explained-"

"It's better this way." Her voice was hollow but definite.

Lupin sensed he should drop it for now. "The reason I talked to him was Harry..." he trailed off, uncertain. "Harry told everyone what happened to you last night. The Mark, I mean. How you got it."

At this, Persephone turned, somewhat surprised. "Harry?" She seemed to consider then shrugged. "I suppose I'm not entirely surprised he figured it out."

"You knew he was having your nightmares?" Lupin asked.

"Nightmares?" Persephone repeated, confused. She glanced toward the doorway to see the foursome hovering uncertainly.

Harry cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yeah. I've been having bits of your nightmares, or memories, I guess, since I started Occlumency earlier this year." Harry paused. "Why else would I have known what happened?"

Persephone raised an eyebrow and said in a slightly chilly voice, "I assumed you figured it out when you went through my things in the attic."

It took Harry a moment to register what she'd said. His eyes widened.

"You went through her trunk?" Lupin exclaimed. Everyone stared at him.

Looking down to avoid their accusing eyes, Harry stammered, "I didn't know it was hers at first. After I looked though the first photo album I realized..."

"So why didn't you stop there?" Ginny asked incredulously.

Avoiding Persephone's sharp gaze, he shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't think-"

"You've been doing a lot of that these days," Ron huffed.

"Ron!" Ginny broke in.

"Well, why was it up there in the first place?" Harry defended himself. "Especially if everyone knew I'd be going through the attic!"

"A valid argument," Persephone conceded, watching them with a guarded expression. "I suppose I shouldn't have been so apathetic about moving it. As you know it was full of things I don't look through with any frequency," Harry caught the subtle barb in her comment and resisted the urge to stare at the floor, "so it seemed just as well to leave it here as to take it with me. As soon as I rearrange a few things, I'll take it."

"I'm sorry," Harry said, knowing it was a paltry apology.

Persephone watched him for a moment then gave a dismissive shrug. "Hardly matters now."

Lupin thought it might be a good time to get back to Harry's episode. "Last night, after everyone found out... I guess Harry saw the memories again and sort of unwittingly narrated what he was seeing to everyone."

Persephone looked to Harry with a guarded expression. "Which memories did you see?"

Harry swallowed. He'd hoped never to have to think about them again. "Um, where you saw the Mark in the mirror in the girls' room and tried to smash the glass, and then the one where they had you in the Body Bind, to, um, do it I guess. And the one when Katrina accidentally poisoned you-"

"That was no accident," Persephone said harshly. "Though I doubt she intended that particular result- Katrina was always miserable at Potions- she knew full well what she hoped to get from adding Veritaserum and Memory Potion to my drink."

"Is that why you aren't friends anymore?" Ginny asked suddenly. At Persephone's raised eyebrow, she flushed and admitted, "We saw you in the Great Hall on Halloween, right before the show."

"Katrina happened to find out about my Mark accidentally, and when I explained, I thought she believed me." Persephone paused a moment, her expression hardening. "Then she tried to find out the 'real truth' her way. After I got out of the hospital, I left AIMS. We haven't spoken since, except for the one letter where she demanded I never speak to anyone that we had ever known one another."

"She wrote Wings for you, didn't she? Before she found out, I mean," Ginny said quietly.

"Yes. Just after the Muggle Day talent show." Persephone cast a look at Harry. "I helped her make her first demo recording and set up studio time for her to audition. Her first album came out the spring I left AIMS."

Ginny shook her head sadly. "She just abandoned you like that?"

"Some people can't forget what happened and anyone who carries reminders of the Dark Times is instantly cast out. It's not as uncommon as you would think." Persephone turned back to the window. "I'm sorry you had to see all that, Harry."

When it became apparent Harry wasn't going to voluntarily elaborate on what had happened afterwards, Lupin said, "Afterwards ..." Lupin cast a look at Harry. "Why don't you explain?" Before he could, Lupin turned to Persephone. "Severus said you might be able to tell us what happened."

Looking back at him with mild interest, Persephone waited for Harry to clarify.

Harry decided sticking with the short version would be best. "After... I mean, I didn't want to see it anymore. I can't really control it when I see the memories so I used what I learned in Occlumency to clear my mind."

"But why wouldn't he wake up?" Ginny asked. "If you'd seen him..."

"Harry said he went 'into the dark'," Lupin added. "What does that mean?"

Persephone looked slightly concerned at this. "The Darklands?"

"What did you call it?" Harry asked, curious. "A kind of a big empty place that's peaceful and quiet, right? I went there once before, during a lesson with Snape. He told me never to do it again but never said why."

"The Darklands," Persephone repeated. "He told you not to go there?"

Annoyed, Harry nodded. "I can't see why not. It was a relief. "

"Don't do it again," Persephone said flatly.

"Aren't you going to at least say why?" Harry was losing his already stretched temper.

With a look uncannily like the one Snape gave him when he was persistent, Persephone said, "It's easier if you don't know. He was trying to help you."

"How about helping me by telling me something?" Harry said heatedly. "What are the Darklands?"

"You already know what it is," Persephone stated. "It's a place you create in your mind to escape, to hide from the world outside. From pain, or fear, loneliness."

"So why is it so dangerous to go there?" Ron asked. "Sounds like it's a safe place."

Harry remembered the practice with Ron when he'd felt the wall of black Ron had retreated behind. Had that been Ron's Darklands?

Sighing, Persephone shook her head. "It's easier if you don't know."

"Tell me anyway," Harry said determinedly.

Resigned, she continued, "Yes, it is a place you create to run away from the things that hurt you but," she paused, "it is also the place where you bury those same things. Everyone's Darklands are different. It can be the place you live your fantasies, but it is also a world created out of your worst fears. There are those who venture into the Darklands and never come back."

"Because they don't want to or because they can't?" Harry asked.

"No one knows," Persephone replied. "That's why it's not safe."

He would never admit it, but Harry saw how knowing you had a permanent escape might be too tempting at times, even with the possibility where you escaped to was as bad as or worse then reality. The sudden image of St. Mungo's terminal wing and Neville's mother handing her son an empty Droobles wrapper sprung into his mind. Was that what had happened to Neville's parents? Did the torture drive them to their own Darklands? Why couldn't they come back? Perhaps Snape and Persephone were right, then. It wasn't necessarily a harmless place to hide.

"Do you know Occlumency?" Harry asked suddenly.

"I didn't study it in school, if that's what you mean," Persephone replied shortly.

Taking note of her evasive answer, Harry asked, "Where did you study it, then?"

"Sometimes we learn things because we have to," she replied her tone clearly stating Harry should drop it.

Irritated at her lack of answers, Harry turned around, fully intending to retreat into his room for the rest of the day. Spying one of Hermione's books on the end table, he thought of the book he'd found in the attic.

Turning back to Persephone, Harry said, "I found a book in the attic. It had your name in it." Before anyone could interject, he added, "It was on one of the pieces of furniture covered with a sheet. I think it belonged to someone in Sirius' family."

"My name?" Persephone looked suspicious.

"Actually, it had a lot of names in it, but yours was one of the few I knew." When she didn't immediately dismiss him, Harry said, "I'll go get it."

Dashing up the stairs, Harry hoped he'd get some answers and maybe everyone would forget about his episode in the meantime. Back in the drawing room a few minutes later, Harry gingerly opened the decrepit book to the page with her name and handed Persephone Pureblood Peerage. "This is it."

"The List," Persephone murmured, taking the book with some surprise. "Haven't seen one of these in years."

"So you know what it is?" Harry asked, eyebrows raised.

Interested, the others moved closer to see the deteriorating book in Persephone's hands. Sitting on the edge of the couch, Persephone laid the book open on her lap while everyone looked on. Harry saw the others skim the page that listed her name, school, the odd addresses, and the names of at least two known Voldemort supporters.

There was an odd expression on her face as she stared at the page. "It's called the List. Informally, anyway. Looks like this one hasn't been updated in a long time."

"What is it?" Hermione asked, having finally gotten over her embarrassment enough to speak.

Persephone's face took on a more cynical look. "Exactly what it looks like. A list of witches and wizards with clean bloodlines." Her eyes flicked to the hanging of the Black family heritage, half-hidden by the Christmas tree in front of it. "To the families concerned with such things, it's basically a catalog to choose your children's future spouses from."

"That's horrible!" Ginny exclaimed, thinking of the period romance novels of which she was so fond. "So you don't even get to choose your own husband? I thought people stopped doing that a long time ago."

"Most people did," Persephone agreed. "But not those obsessed with keeping wizardkind pure."

"So what does it mean?" Harry asked. "I mean, how do you read it?" He was keen to know why Sirius' brother's name was on her page.

Pointing at her own entry, Persephone said, "When the lucky young witch or wizard is formally declared, they have a new page created for them in the List. Formal declarations are made when you receive your official school letter at age eleven, from an acceptable school, of course."

"Of course," Hermione echoed faintly.

"Your page lists your name, primary school of magic, then your family's main residences." Resisting the urge to frown, she added, "It's one way they show wealth and connections."

Everyone leaned closer to read her page.

"Do you still own...er...have these?" Ron asked.

"Just the summerhouse," Persephone pointed to the second entry. "White Cliffs. But I haven't been there in years."

"Why'd you keep that one and not the others?" Harry was surprised, but grateful, Lupin had asked.

"There wasn't much left of Parkwoods after the Aurors were done with it." Her scowl made Harry wonder if it had anything to do with the fire she'd mentioned during one of the Order meetings and the faint smoky smell in her trunk. "And I'd never even been to the place in Denver. But the summerhouse..." She shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Did you name the house after the island?" Ginny asked. Having read so many novels, she knew old family residences often had formal names. Even her own home had a name instead of an address.

"No, I think they named everything all at once when they bought it." Persephone thought back.

Ron's eyes widened. "Wait, you own an island?"

"Please, I don't own an island," Persephone said in exasperation. "I only own half of it since I donated the other half as a wildlife refuge when I sold the other places. It wasn't like I was using it." At the continued silence, she said, "It's a small island."

Shaking his head, Ron looked at the page in sort of awe. Harry wondered what he would think if he saw the extensive list of residences on Lucius Malfoy's page.

Seeing his chance, Harry said, "What about the names below that?"

Frowning, Persephone was silent for a moment before saying, "That would be the list of acceptable offers made by either party for a union. Listed in order of recognition or preference."

Lupin's brow furrowed. "I thought you said you didn't know Sirius."

"I didn't," Persephone said evenly.

"Yet you were practically engaged to his brother?" Lupin's voice took on an edge.

Her expression hardening, Persephone looked at Lupin. "The summer their children are formally recognized, the families of the new crop of purebloods hold List Balls to introduce them as acceptable fodder to continue their lineages. Before, during, and after the Balls, families accept and reject offers to contract their children into suitable marriages. My father was pushing for a match between me and," she paused for a moment, obviously trying to calm herself, "Lucius Malfoy, but seeing as he was so much older and would have had to wait at least five more years before any sort of marriage could take place, he accepted the Black's offer of their second-born as first choice. Not to mention the Malfoys preferred the untainted Black line to my lineage."

"You mean Filch?" Hermione asked timidly.

Nodding, Persephone said, "It never appears in the List, but things like that are always known. Attitudes of other family members against the importance of purity of blood are severely looked down upon, but having a Squib in the line is almost unforgivable."

"Did you ever even meet Sirius' brother?" Harry asked. It sounded as though the matches had nothing to do with how well the bride and groom liked each other. Harry didn't see it as a stretch that in many cases, they probably barely knew one another.

"Once, at my fly-or-die," she laughed mirthlessly at the expression. "That's what we called the List Balls. Like birds fledging their young. Your parents push you out of the nest and you either fly, or die."

"Did Sirius go, too?" Harry asked.

"He wasn't invited." Glancing at Lupin, Persephone continued, "By then he'd been disowned and stricken from the List."

So that's why his name was missing, Harry thought. "How come Bellatrix's name isn't on it, either?"

Flipping carefully back to the first page, Persephone frowned to see the dates had been blurred. "She'd probably been engaged or married by then. As soon as one offer is officially accepted, the families update the List and the names are removed. Same if someone dies or is disowned."

"Did Sirius go, though?" Lupin repeated Harry's question, though by his expression, Harry had the feeling he already knew the answer.

With one eyebrow raised, she said, "At my Ball, after I was announced and the first dance was over, I went outside to the balcony. I don't know how long he'd been there or if anyone else knew he'd crashed the party. He came up to me, told me what a travesty it was that I bought into the whole pureblood idea and hoped I had a long and miserable life tied to his brother. Then he left. It wasn't exactly what I needed to hear after the humiliation of being paraded around like some high-bred horse at auction."

Harry hated to admit it, but it sounded like something Sirius would have done.

Lupin winced a bit, but looked almost angry when he asked, "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"It was so long ago," she said. "I didn't think it mattered anymore. Not to mention it probably wasn't something you would have wanted to hear."

Though he still looked slightly upset, Lupin seemed to grudgingly agree.

"I wonder if Draco had a Ball," Ron snickered.

"Undoubtedly," Persephone said without humor. "I'm sure if you updated this, he'd be in it."

Interested, Harry asked, "Can you update it? Do you know how?"

Shaking her head, Persephone replied, "Not off the top of my head. I might have it written down somewhere. I'll look."

"Would you still be in it?" Ginny asked.

Closing the book and handing it back to Harry, she said, "I seriously doubt it."

"Um, thanks," Harry said. "For telling me about the book."

"Are you leaving?' Lupin asked as Persephone stood. When she nodded he hastily added, "Where are you going?"

"Just back to Hogwarts, right?" Ginny answered for her. Turning she said, "You weren't going to leave leave were you? Why?"

Her expression guarded, Persephone said, "I didn't think I was welcome to stay."

"But we know you're not... I mean, Harry told us what happened," Hermione stammered. "It's not like anyone thinks you're one of them."

Persephone's sardonic look only underscored the uncertainty in Hermione's voice. She glanced to Harry.

Unsure why she was looking to him to either invite her to stay or tell her to leave, Harry fought down his lingering doubts and said, "I think we need all the help we can get."

When the others nodded, Persephone looked back to Lupin. "We'll see."

Just as she reached the front door, Ginny caught up to her. Glancing back to make sure they were alone, Ginny said, "Persephone, I'm sorry."

Her hand on the knob, Persephone turned.

Looking down at the floor, Ginny stammered, "It was horrible of me. I should have waited for you to explain, I should have asked, but... I didn't. You were my friend, even if I wasn't a very good one. I just... didn't want to end it like Katrina did. I'm sorry."

"Your reaction was... understandable," Persephone replied.

Thinking of something Persephone had told her while they were working with Free, Ginny said softly, "Just because it was understandable, doesn't make it acceptable."

With a sad smile, Persephone turned.

"I'll see you back at Hogwarts, then," Ginny said as Persephone opened the door.

"Sure." With a sharp crack, she was gone.

Out of the corner of her eye, Ginny caught sight of Harry headed up the stairs. Willing to delay facing her own horrible actions, she followed him.

Harry turned in surprise when he heard the door to his room shut behind him. Seeing Ginny standing in front of it, arms crossed and looking an awful lot like her mother when the twins were in trouble, he swallowed nervously.

"Did you read my dairy?" Ginny asked without preamble.

"What?" Harry exclaimed, taken completely off guard. "No! Of course not! I said I didn't!"

Narrowing her eyes, but still pinning Harry with a look, Ginny asked, "Really? Not one word?"

He knew she was trying to use Occlumency to determine if he was lying. Cursing the fact everyone had found out he'd gone through Persephone's trunk, he felt a flush of shame that while he was sorry he'd been caught, he was still kind of glad he'd done it. "Well I read the first page, just to see if it was yours and not something you'd gotten from the Room of Requirement, and then flipped to the middle because then I thought it was just class notes. But I only saw one page and it didn't say anything, really." At Ginny's expression he rushed on, "I swear it was just one page and I stopped as soon as I knew it was a diary!"

She continued to look at him for a long moment then seemed to believe him. "How are you?"

Momentarily confused, but thankful for the abrupt subject change, Harry shrugged. "Fine."

Without another word, Ginny opened the door and left. Flopping back on the bed, Harry was glad school would start again soon, bringing with it some much needed distraction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into her dark, cold office after her long, cold walk from the Hogwarts gate, Persephone lit the torches and a fire in the grate. A pair of eyes reflected the dancing flames. With a twitch of the tail, Noir leapt off her desk and sauntered haughtily out the door, completely ignoring his mistress.

"I suppose I deserve that," Persephone said. She knew Hagrid or one of the house-elves would have made sure he'd been fed, but Noir would undoubtedly let her know the depth of his annoyance with her inattentiveness for at least a few days.

Glancing back at her desk, a small white box caught her eye and Persephone's heart sank. It was the gift Snape had mentioned just before the disaster in the Grimmauld Place foyer followed by the catastrophe after the meeting. Sitting in the leather armchair, Persephone stared at it. After a long moment, she pulled the green velvet bow loose and opened the box.

A sense of loss washed over her as she withdrew a deep ruby-colored teardrop pendant on a finely wrought silver chain. A tiny silver stopper held drops of swirling liquid within the small glass vial. She knew what it held. Her head bent with sadness, she closed her hand around the necklace.