A Day in the Life of Draco Malfoy

7:00 am Wake up and throw Bludger at house elf for waking me up.

7:01 Go back to sleep.

7:10 Promise father I will be getting up "soon".

7:11 Go back to sleep.

7:20 Mother has That Tone in her voice. Get out of bed.

7:30 Breakfast. Make house elf fetch 10 different flavours of jam, and then decide to have marmalade instead.

8:00 Look in wardrobe and spend some time deciding which pair of leather pants to wear.

8:30 Help father polish his collection of Dark Arts memorabilia. Remind myself that some day this will be mine.

11:30 An owl delivers an envelope. Did Fleur write back? No, just a love letter from Pansy Parkinson. Fold it into shape of a hawk and throw it at house elf.

12:00 pm Lunch. Tell mother horrid stories about the food at Hogwarts, and emphasize how much nicer the food is at Durmstrang.

12:30 Father orders me to work on my school assignments for the summer. Draw a picture of Hermione Granger with huge buck teeth and bushy hair with twigs sticking out of it. Send it to her by owl.

1:00 Sneak into the kitchen and steal cookies. Pour salad oil on the floor for the house elf to slip on.

1:45 Father comes in to inspect my homework. As he lectures, dream of Harry Potter being struck by lightning during a Quidditch match.

2:00 Use Floo Powder to meet up with Crabbe and Goyle at the Leaky Cauldron. Strut into London. Order them to distract Muggle store clerks while I shoplift.

3:30 Stroll down Diagon Alley and spot Ron Weasley. He's staring at a Firebolt in the window of Quality Quidditch Supplies. Drop a spider onto his ice cream cone.

4:00 Return home to play croquet with the neighbours. Hit balls at Millicent Bulstrode whenever possible.

5:30 Watch as father berates house elves for washing the windows so that the sun reflected off of them into his eyes, ruining his game.

6:00 Supper. Listen to father's boasting tales of the Death Eaters. Trip the house elf carrying the treacle pudding.

7:00 Quidditch practice with my Slytherin mates. Paint glasses and lightning scar on the Golden Snitch. Enjoy squeezing it very much.

9:00 Bath time. Coat bathroom walls with bubbles for the house elf to clean up.

10:00 Bedtime snack. Pretend to admire mother's embroidery work. Dream of pouring one of Snape's potions on it.

10:30 Father orders me to bed. Make house elf stand outside my door and bang head on wall so I can listen to the Wizarding Wireless Network without parents telling me to turn it off.

10:45 House elf is knocked unconscious. Go to sleep, dreaming of victory over Mudbloods.