The Adventures of the Laser Pen: Voldemort

A/N: Hey peeps! Here's Episode Two: The Adventures of Lord Voldemort and the Laser Pen!

(No kinky stuff please!) WELL, we promised more and you got it! (Devil Grrl: FINALLY!) After extensively torturing Angel Grrl's cat with the laser pen we were inspired...that and the fact that her mom said to get out of the kitchen or she'd turn us into toads!!

(Angel Grrl: I KNEW IT! I'M NOT A MUGGLE!)

Anywho.... on with the story!!!

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(http://www.angelfire.com/ca6/nomeames/index.html)

Disclaimer: A statement made to save one's own ass. We don't own Harry Potter...but we do own the laser pen!!!!

"The Adventures of Lord Voldemort and the Laser Pen" By: Angel Grrl and Devil Grrl

    "Hey Harry, got a question for ya!"

    "Ok, Ron. What is it?"

    "Do these lederhosen show my cellulite dimples?"

    ".........AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

    "HARRY! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!"

    Hermione shook Harry awake from the terrible nightmare he was having.

    "You ok?"

    ".........uh, yeah,"

    "Well, stop screaming and come and open your presents!" Ron yelled at him from his bed.

    That's right it was Christmas at last! The school was empty save for a few students and most of the staff. No homework, no tests, and best of all! No SNAPE BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK WITH HIS BIG SCHNOZ!!!! But enough of that for now....there was just one thing on everyone's mind!! PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!!!

    Paper flew everywhere....the dormitory, which had been a nice dark crimson now, looked like a F.U.B.A.R. Christmas Tree. Harry picked up a small package that looked like it came straight outta Men in Black. It was long, and cylinder-shaped....

    'Hmm....I wonder what this is,' he thought, reading from whom it was from.

    Ripping the paper from it, he saw that it was in fact a lot smaller than anything from Men in Black. It was almost as long as his pinky and about as wide. It had a small red bulb on one end and a button that was coral in colour near it.

    "Uh...thanks Ron. Uh.....what is it?"

    Ron looked up from his own pile of paper and looked at Harry with a cookie in his mouth.

    "It's a laser pen.....comes in handy sometimes," he said.

     "Oh......where'd ya get it?"

     "Well, that's the thing...remember when we went to Hogsmeade a couple of weeks ago? Well, I was walking along the street when all of a sudden I was pulled into an alley by these two strange looking people. One had black hair and the other blue. They were very odd.....and very demanding that I take the laser pen! They said that I would find something very useful for it..."

    "And?"

    An evil grin formed on his face...

    "Ask Hermione."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Some time later

    It was almost that time again. Time to go back to school and deal with...them. Teachers......horrible creatures that give homework and tests and run you so hard that you start to have fears that you'll never get into Harvard or UCLA and you'll be a failure and wind up living in a ghetto trailer park and your whole life's ambition will be to say "Would you like fries with that?" (AN: Angel Grrl isn't doing well right now. Can ya tell?) ANYWAY, Harry had decided to take a walk before dinner, so that he could clear his head and to get a ready mind set for school. As he was walking he noticed it was getting darker and darker and that he was unconsciously walking into the Forbidden Forest. (AN: DUN DUN DUN!!!!!)

    'Oh, no' he thought.

    Heading back towards the castle he could feel eyes on him. Roaming and coveting eyes......(An: SOTL reference!) Picking up speed he started to half run/half walk. As he got closer, he could see the castle in sight. Feeling relief, he hesitated momentarily.........and then all went black.

    Harry woke up in a dimly lit room. It had wooden paneling and a wall that had been neglected for several years. He could slightly hear a man's voice. It was high-pitched and WAY off key. It was coming from behind a door on the other side of the room. Standing up, he could feel his legs turn to jelly and could feel a small, hard metal object in his pocket. Leaning on a chair that was sitting next to him, he carefully made his way to the door. Opening it very slowly the voice became louder, and much more clear. What he saw next...... well, it was basic all-around mind-f**k.

    It was Voldemort. Mr. He-who-must-not-be-named himself in a bath towel in front of a mirror. He was holding a brush in his hand and moving his head and shoulders from side to side in time to the rhythm.

    "If you want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know! If you really need me just reach out and touch me, come on honey, tell me so!"

    Now, I know that our dear readers, are probably wondering to themselves............HOW?!?! He's evil he's horrible, and he's not nice! Well, he's also bored! And all villains have a distinct and bad rhythm, are tone deaf......and love of music! This is what our dear hero discovered in that very instant, that and he didn't like neon yellow and blue in the same bathroom. AND......Voldemort didn't realize that he was there...and there was a NEW song on the radio.

"My heart...won't skip......a beat! I ne...ver look......before......I leap!"

    Harry's eyes almost fell out of his head at the sight of Voldemort shaking his little tush. It was vulgar and disgusting to even want to watch but Harry was so stunned he couldn't move his feet from the spot. There are, times where even the sight of a man being stomped to death by a deer is horrible and yet, being human one cannot turn away. But on some cases............one becomes blind. And as the familiar course notes of Britney Spears echoed throughout the room......there was an inhuman call.

    "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

    As Voldemort was slowly coming back to reality he turned slowly around and came face to face with our hero. He smiled coldly. And then......he spoke.

MEANWHILE

    Ron and Hermione were observing the perimeter. They were trying to be VERY professional about the whole thing. They even had code names. Ron was Dork Knight...and Hermione was LunchBox. GUESS WHO PICKED THE NAMES!

    "Ok Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie ya to the roof and you jump off and sail like a spitfire pissing right over the arch-nemesis, you-know-who. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin, and when that's done the stage is trashed and we go SMOKE A BOWL! You got it? Now get your fat ass up there, and dude, don't forget your helmet...SNOOGIN!"*

    "LOOK Dork Knight! I am not fat!"

    "FLY FAT ASS! FLY!"*

TO BE CONTINUED... dun dun dun

Ok all! This is a two-part chapter! ^_^ Hope ya all like it so far. We know it's out of character. BUT that's what makes it funny. We'll get to the next part as soon as we can.

*= Quotes from Mallrats owned by Kevin Smith! ^_^ Catch ya on the flip side!