Abandoned Innocence

Chapter 3: Out Of Control

I've done everything as you say
I've followed your rules without question
I thought it would help me see things clearly
But instead of helping me to see
I look around and it's like I'm blinded

I'm spinning out of control
Out of control
I'm spinning out of control
Out of control

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me
Cause I don't know
If I can trust you
I don't understand what you want from me

Harry suddenly felt tired; he had been feeling this way ever since he had discovered wandless magic. It was as if the power drained out of him. He leaned against a wall to recover his breathing. After a minute or two he started walking towards the Gryffindor Tower.

The Fat Lady's portrait smiled at him but one look from him indicated that he wasn't in the mood for unnecessary greetings.

"Password?" she asked.

Harry frowned. How could he be so stupid as to not ask for the password?

"Shit," He cursed and kicked at the wall. There was no point in asking her to let him in since she wouldn't. He turned around and stalked away angrily.

"Some children just need some good old thrashing, that's what I say," The Fat Lady said in a crossed tone.

Harry walked around the castle with no sense of direction; he just let his feet lead him to wherever. He soon found himself in an empty room. Harry recognized this room; he remembered this was where he had seen his parents waving at him in the Mirror of Erised. Maybe it was just a subconscious decision that his feet would lead him where he most wanted to be, with his dead parents.

Staying in the room brought back too many painful memories. He exited the room and shut the door quickly behind him.

It seemed the feast had finished due to the noise coming from the corridors and the prefects barking orders at the first-years. Harry was looking for anyone from Gryffindor so he could get the password to the dormitories off them. It seemed that luck just wasn't with him as he banged into someone around the corner.

"Those glasses don't seem to be doing much for you Potter, if you're going to go knocking around every thing in your way." Malfoy's drawl greeted his ears and he cringed inwardly as he turned around to face him. "Oh, so you got rid of those hideous things. Not a very wise choice Potter, considering that you're as blind as a bat."

"Shove off, Malfoy," Harry replied and made to turn away but Malfoy interrupted.

"That was quite a speech in there, Potter. Practicing the Unforgivables, huh? Turning bad? You don't want to scare the goody-goody Gryffindors now do you?" he smirked. Before Harry could reply he heard his name. He turned around to see Ron and Hermione jogging up to him.

"Where were you? We were looking-" Ron stopped as his eyes fell on Malfoy and his face hardened. "What's he doing here?"

"Looking for his body guards. Let's go."

"Why don't you turn around and say it to my face, Potter? Or have too many deaths knocked you over?"

"You're one to be talking, Malfoy. Have we forgotten already what happened to dear daddy?" Ron sneered. The playful look vanished from Draco's face as a cold mask of hatred settled instead.

"Don't you dare talk about my father," He said through clenched teeth.

"Or what? You gonna rape me, Malfoy? That's why you were scared of him weren't you?"

"I don't think you should be - " Hermione started nervously but Ron was going on.

"- Were the rumors true? That your mother couldn't satisfy your father's needs so he came to you. Was he really a sick bastard or were the nightly visits just to teach you - " Ron hadn't been expecting what he got next. He staggered backwards with the force of the punch and hadn't fully recovered himself when he felt Malfoy pounce on him.

Harry had been dreading where this argument was going. Even he thought Ron had taken it a bit too far. If Malfoy had been saying the same things to him, he would have used the Killing Curse on him. He had to admire Draco Malfoy's self control but just then he attacked Ron.

Automatically, Harry threw himself at Draco and pulled him away from Ron with all his might. One of the punches that Draco was now throwing around randomly caught Harry's nose and he reflexively punched him back. What had started out as Ron and Draco's brawl had turned into an all-out war between Harry and Draco. Both were kicking and punching each other while the fact that they were wizards and had wands was momentarily forgotten.

"Impedimenta!"

Both boys were thrown apart and they hit the opposite walls in unison with a sickening crunch.

"I demand to know what's going on!" Professor McGonagall's angry voice echoed off the walls while scared first years stood frozen behind her. Some had looks of horror while others of awe.

"Professor, Malfoy attacked Ron and Harry was just trying to pull him off when Malfoy turned and hit Harry. It's not Harry's fault, Professor, he was just defending himself," Hermione explained.

"Miss Granger, show these first years to the Gryffindor dormitories." Then she looked at the dazed boys. "You two! Come with me. NOW!"

"I can't believe the nerve of you two!" Professor McGonagall's voice was getting louder with every word as she glared at the two boys in question. "I have never in all my years seen such display of chaos. Muggle duelling in the corridors! What you two did is entirely unacceptable especially in front of new students. Do you know what kind of image it gives of Hogwarts as a school? I am too angry to even think of a punishment!"

"That won't be necessary, Minerva." Dumbledore's calm voice interrupted. All three looked up at the old headmaster.

"But they must be punished - "

"I am well aware of that, Minerva. I think I know exactly what Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy need." He studied the bruised and torn boys. He motioned them to follow him as they exited Professor McGonagall's office.

Harry regarded the whole affair with nonchalance. He knew that this time him and Malfoy had crossed the line. Fists had been flying and both were rolling around trying to get a good punch at each other's face and by the looks of it they had succeeded. The rush of adrenaline while fighting Malfoy had felt good; it was the first time since Sirius's death that he actually felt so alive. He hadn't felt this powerful even when he tortured the Death Eaters.

Harry saw Malfoy nursing his torn lip and slightly rubbing his jaw where a purple bruise was rapidly forming Harry felt smug at what he had done to the other boy. But he was aware that he himself probably wasn't any better off. He wiped away the blood from his nose and he too rubbed near his temple, which was starting to swell. Somehow he felt better than when he had entered the castle Fighting with Malfoy had taken his mind of other depressing thoughts.

'It had been Malfoy's fault', Harry thought furiously, 'if he hadn't attacked Ron then I wouldn't have gotten myself so worked up.' They followed the headmaster silently; sending each other death glares behind his back though Harry thought that Dumbledore was well aware of the exchange of daggers between the rivals.

"This is all your fault," Malfoy whispered harshly but kept his voice low.

"Just fuck off, Malfoy," Harry snapped. Malfoy was about to retort but he was prevented from doing so when Dumbledore started climbing the stairs to his office. Instead, Malfoy settled at just sneering at Harry. Only once they were all seated, did the headmaster carefully regard the damage to both figures.

"Now," He rested his chin over his knuckles. "-care to explain?"

Both boys erupted, accusing each other of obscenities. Dumbledore silenced them with his imposing voice when both had their wands pointed at the other.

"I will not accept more of these disruptions." A tinge of anger could be detected from the otherwise serene tone of the headmaster. Then he sighed as he took off his half moon spectacles to wipe them. "You have left me no choice but to do what I'm about to propose."

Harry didn't even care if he got expelled but what unnerved him was the unearthly gleam in Dumbledore's eyes, which he had only seen when the old man had faced Voldemort last year.

"Harry," The weary headmaster regarded the raven-haired boy and then looked at the blond. "Mr. Malfoy here will be joining the Defence Association."

"What?" Malfoy cried out but Dumbledore silenced them by raising his hand.

"I will not hear any of it. If you two can't be civil to each other then I cannot give you another choice."

"But - "

"And Draco, Harry will be accompanying you with every single patrol and prefect duty for the rest of this week."

"That's not fair. He's not even a prefect." Draco scowled stubbornly.

"It does not matter. Going against my wishes - no - my order will earn both of you detention with Argus Filch not only in this year but your next too. Not to mention you'll be accompanying Hagrid into the Forbidden Forest, which will not exactly be a stroll in the park I can promise you that." Dumbledore had put his glasses back on and watched them with hard, blue eyes. He knew he had given them no choice, but if they couldn't co-operate now, when the whole wizarding world was shadowed by fear and dreading anxiety, then the war was already a defeat. "You may leave, Mr. Malfoy. Harry, I want a word with you." He added when he saw that they didn't put up any further protests. Malfoy nodded disdainfully before turning around and leaving.

"What is it that I'm hearing about you, Harry? You know perfectly well that your use of magic outside Hogwarts can cause you much trouble. What were you thinking? Voldemort could have easily attacked you regardless of the fact that you proved yourself more than just powerful." Dumbledore studied Harry from over his glasses. But Harry just kept gazing at him without any expression. "I know you have gone through a lot Harry, more than probably any grown wizard has to deal with but you cannot let fate defeat you. People die every moment of everyday, Harry. If we were to let our lives come to a stop because of those tragedies, the whole world would have collapsed aeons ago."

"Can I leave now?" Harry asked coldly. Dumbledore just shook his head and sighed as he got up from his chair and walked towards Harry who was already at the door. He placed a wrinkled hand on the young boy's shoulder.

"Just remember that we are here for you, we all are. I cannot allow you to use wandless magic. That's another matter I wanted to discuss with you but maybe another time. Please don't try to go against me, Harry, for nothing but grief can be accomplished by that, my boy."

Harry opened the door and left.

Harry was fuming; he couldn't believe what had just happened. How dare Dumbledore do that to him? As if his life wasn't messed up already now he had to put up with that insufferable git. He hated when people tried to understand him even when they couldn't. Dumbledore thought he knew how it felt to lose someone so close to you but what Harry was going through was impossible to see especially because of the mask he had put on his face.

He was brought out of his thoughts when he saw Malfoy standing there with his hands on his hips. He had his back to Harry.

"Will you hurry up already?" Malfoy snapped without turning around.

"No one asked you to wait. What are you doing any way?"

"I'm stuck."

Harry walked towards him trying to take as much time as possible just to annoy the blonde boy furthermore.

"Stuck?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. Stuck, Potter. Do you want a dictionary? I can't move; I've got prefect duties and you have to come with me," He answered impatiently.

"I don't have to go anywhere with you, Malfoy," Harry retorted.

"Tell that to the muggle-loving old coot." Malfoy sneered when Harry tried to walk past him but found that he couldn't. He looked back at Malfoy.

"You were right."

"No, Potter. I was just standing around here as your personal welcoming committee," Malfoy said sarcastically. Harry shot him an evil look.

"Let's get this over with." He muttered.

Harry had to sit through an incredibly boring prefect's meeting. Cho Chang was this year's Head Girl and had went on and on about what she expected from the prefects. The only person being attentive to her was probably Hermione, who had been very surprised indeed when Harry had turned up with Malfoy. She had told him that Ron couldn't come because Madam Pomfrey was healing him in the infirmary.

The audience couldn't have been gladder when the meeting finally came to an end. Malfoy turned and left without another word to Harry for which he was glad because he didn't want to get involved in another verbal war with Malfoy, since that's what them spending more than a minute with each other led to. He waited for Hermione who came trotting up to him after her "brief" word with the Head Girl.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I have to go with Malfoy on his prefect duties for the rest of this week," Harry said.

"No! Dumbledore can't do that; he knows what kind of person Malfoy is, it's not safe." She said.

"He's joining the DA as well."

Hermione nearly fainted when he told her that and she went into a heated lecture about letting Death Eaters amongst the Defence group. Harry was silent during their journey towards the Gryffindor common room. Hermione gave the password to the Fat Lady and they entered.

Harry should have expected this; all sixth-year Gryffindors greeted him. Silence enveloped the room when he entered. He didn't bother to wait for any of them to say anything before making his way through the parting crowd towards his dormitories.

His roommates followed.

"Don't." was all Harry said as he saw Seamus Finnigan open his mouth to say something.

"I was just gonna say welcome back."

"Oh."

"Harry, are you okay? What happened with Malfoy? Did he get expelled? Are you in trouble?" Ron said this is one breath.

"Long story, Ron. I'll tell you later."

"Is it true what the minister said in the Great Hall?" Neville asked timidly, his face turning a shade of red when he felt Harry's intense gaze on him. Harry tried to see what kind of emotion Neville had on his face before answering All he could see was a sort of admiration, and it relaxed him a lot not seeing the fear in his friends' eyes.

"Yeah, dude, that was so cool." Dean slapped Harry on the back. Dean's accent was a bit different; Harry just threw a questioning look to Seamus.

"He spent his holidays in America. Been talking really weirdly since he came back." He shrugged.

"That was really impressive, Harry the wandless magic. My Gran told me it's one of the hardest forms of magic. My dad could do some," Neville said a bit sadly.

"Thanks, Neville. I'm sure your Dad's a great man too," Harry replied in a comforting whisper. Neville just flashed him a smile.

"Can you really do the U-Unforgivables?" Ron tried to keep his tone steady and not stutter.

"Do you know what happened after Sirius died, Ron?" Harry stared at him while Ron turned his head away. "I went after Bellatrix Lestrange I had the chance to kill her but I couldn't. Do you know what she did? She laughed and said that to cast an Unforgivable you really have to mean it; you have to want to cause as much pain as possible. And now I can do that, Ron. I'll kill her and this time I will want to cause her pain."

They all stared at him with wide eyes. It was hard to decide for them if this was the same person they had known a little over two or three months ago.

Harry had decided that he would at least try and be his old self even if he probably could never go back to being carefree again. Without another word, he climbed his bed, shut the draperies with a privacy charm and performed Occlumency. It was a long time before sleep finally overtook him.

~*~

Draco and Pansy walked down to the dungeons in silence. Pansy could feel the tension around the boy next to her and decided it was better if she kept her mouth shut for a while.

"How's he doing?" Draco asked, motioning towards Crabbe when they entered the Slytherin common room. Vince's father had also been executed alongside Lucius Malfoy but the other boy was taking it harder than Draco was.

"Still not speaking," Goyle said in his gruff voice. Draco sighed and went to sit in his favourite armchair near the fire.

"What was the fight about?" Blaise Zabini raised an eyebrow while studying Draco's injuries.

"It was nothing," He muttered.

"Draco, we're supposed to keep a low profile, not go jumping every Gryffindor in sight." Millicent shook her head and sighed.

"It's not fair," Crabbe suddenly spoke up. They turned around and looked at him with surprise. "Mom told him to pull out, but it was too late and what she had feared happened. It was either die at the hands of the Dark Lord or the ministry. I hate Voldemort."

"Don't we all," Draco said. He got up and said quiet 'good nights' before going up to the boys' dormitories.

"I'm worried about him," Pansy said to no one in particular as she saw Draco go upstairs with his head hung low.

"We all are," Blaise replied.

...to be continued...