F & G Weasley and the Deadly Wander to the Pit of Quidditch Champions

FRED and GEORGE Weasley and the DEADLY WANDER to the PIT of QUIDDITCH CHAMPIONS

[Fred and George Weasley are in the Common Room. An almost comatose owl flies in through the window. The owl just lies on the floor. There is a letter tied to the owl's leg. Fred retrieves the letter and leaves the owl on the floor.]

George: What's that?

Fred: Hmmmm... *reads the letter and passes it to George*

George: *reads the letter*

[Letter: Help me! Harry, Hermione, Ron, ANYONE!! I'm trapped! I'm being held captive by history's Quidditch Champions. Someone help me! They're trying to bore me to death! I can't hold out much longer... I keep thinking the deranged thoughts which I save for the full moon... Please someone help me! I'm trapped in the Pit of Quidditch Champions... REMUS J LUPIN PS: If, for whatever reason, you are unable to save me, please send me some wolfsbane so I can get away...]

George: Well, I'll go get some wolfsbane...

Fred: What are you talking about? We have to do something.

George: What can we do? Harry, Ron and Hermione are all wrapped up in their usual "Saving the world from the threat of You-Know-Who" type adventure.

Fred: Well then, it's up to us! *poses dramatically*

George: Stop your dramatic posing! Now, explain because, for once, I'm not following you.

Fred: We'll just have to set out and find him on our own. Don't you want to help him?

George: Well, I don't want Professor Lupin to die, if that's what you mean. But... he's a werewolf!

Fred: Which makes him so much more cool! Come on, this is our chance to be heroes!

George: I don't want to be a hero. I'm happy being a lovable prankster.

[After much arguing, George agrees to go find Professor Lupin. They pack some things and get their brooms, which they steal from the Slytherin broom closet. They sneak out of the castle during the night.]

George: So, where do you suppose this "Pit of Quidditch Champions" is anyway?

Fred: I don't know, but I expect that we have a deadly wander ahead of us.

[They do. They encounter a grouchy sphinx with a speech impediment and a former DeathEater who, for some unknown reason, hates them - even though he has never met them or been the victim of one of their jokes. Somehow, they escape.]

Fred: Well, that was exciting. I wonder if there's anymore?

[There is. They also encounter Draco Malfoy, dressed as a DeathEater. Draco, however, completely ignores them. They survive, somehow...]

George: We should be nearly there by now...

Fred: I should think sooooo... *falls down a hole*

[George jumps down the hole after his brother finds it. Fred is sitting on the ground, staring. There are many dark and faceless figures in the pit. They look like shadows wearing Quidditch robes. The shadows are chanting the same things, over and over and over and over again. Fred and George can't see Professor Lupin.]

Chanting: Quidditch. Quidditch. Quidditch is life. You love Quidditch. Quidditch is life. Quidditch this. Quidditch that. [and so on]

[Fred and George stare at each other. Then, they remember about Professor Lupin.]

Fred: Professor Lupin!?

[Shadows automatically turn to face the boys, still chanting.]

Lupin: (faintly) Who... who's there?

George: *backing toward the wall* It's us! George and Fred Weasley!

Fred: Are you alright Professor? We can't see you anywhere!

Lupin: The chanting... I can't... think...

Fred: *moving along the wall of the pit to where he thinks Lupin's voice is coming from* But are you alright?

Lupin: I'm alive... but I can't stay awake much longer... so bored...

George: *moving along the wall in the opposite direction of Fred* How did you get down here?

Lupin: I was tracking Pe... er... a monster when I just fell down!

[Fred and George find Professor Lupin. He looks like he's been in the pit for at least a week. There is a satchel on the ground next to him, it's covered in crumbs from older peanut butter sandwiches.]

Lupin: Oh! It is so good to see you boys! So good to see other people...!

[Fred and George help Lupin to his feet. The Quidditch Shadows being closing in on them.]

Lupin: Well, you got this far... any idea's George?

George: No... Fred?

Fred: Nothing... this chanting is really starting to get to me...

George: Me too... *starts sinking toward the ground*

Lupin: *starting to panic a little* No, no lads! Come one, we've got to think. We have to get out of here!

Fred: Right... think... Get out...

George: of a pit... down is in...

Lupin: We have to head up...

Fred: *looks at the pit walls* Too steep to climb... chanting... always chanting...

Lupin: Come one, stay focused Fred...

George: Too steep to climb... fly!

Fred: BROOMS!!

[Fred and George take their stolen brooms off their backs and mount them. The fly out of the pit, alone. A harrowed cry rises out of the pit.]

Fred: We forgot Lupin!

[Fred and George fly back down into the pit, hook Professor Lupin under the arms and fly out of the pit again. They land on the ground and put their brooms back on their backs. Professor Lupin puts his arms around the boys.]

Lupin: Thank you! I owe you boys, big time!

[They walk back to Hogwarts. The wander home is peaceful and uneventful. Professor Lupin seems to be stewing about something, but he says nothing. The get back to the school and Lupin thanks the boys again.]

Lupin: Thank you again boys. May Prongs and Padfoot always bestow good luck upon your mischief-making endeavors.

Fred: No problem Professor L... wait a second...

George: How do you know about Padfoot and Prongs?

Lupin: The question is not how do I know about them, but how do you know about them?

Fred: Well, we had a map that was written by them...

George: Until we gave it to Harry...

[The boys look down at the ground. Lupin looks at them sternly and then smiles and laughs.]

Lupin: We knew that there would be better pranksters in the years to come. *smiles wider* I know of them, because I am Moony!

[Fred and George look at each other and then at Lupin. Lupin winks and walks away.]

Fred: That's brilliant! Moony - a werewolf! Brilliant I tell you!

George: Well, who should we tell about our adventure first?

Fred: Why tell anyone? Well, Lee will want to know. And after Harry and Ron and Hermione tell us their tale, they'll want to hear ours. That should be good enough.

George: Alright.

[Fred and George tell Lee Jordan about their brush with the dangerous Quidditch Champions. He thinks it's cool. Harry, Ron and Hermione save the world (again). Harry and Ron think the twin's story is cool too. Hermione points out all the plot holes that the author was too lazy to explain, like "Why Lupin couldn't save himself" and "Why the twins encountered Draco, when H/R/Hr were saving the world and Draco was on the losing side" and so on. The twins shun Hermione becuase she ruined their victory.]