We Are Loved

Chapter Two

That May be True for Her, but Not Me.

Dear Journal,

I never thought I'd fall into an inter-species (yet fake...) relationship. I'm feeling quite appalled. The Beaver - and myself! Me, THE Draco Malfoy! And, a mud blood Beaver who reads books for enjoyment? It sounds like the eighth un-natural freak show of the earth! I must pull myself together! I must re-compose and think in cool collected thoughts, like the shrink said! Did I just say I needed to follow the advice of a shrink? No, I did not - I had temporarily diminished capacity. I was momentarily insane. Just like at the time the bargain with Beaver was made. I must reach a higher ground here. I have stooped to the lowness of a dirty, flea infested mud blood. Something must be done. But nothing can.

-Draco Malfoy, your very much-distressed writer

DearJournal,

I followed through with it. Today was my first day being Beaver's man. It was much harder than I assumed. Being Pansy's real boyfriend was a hell of a lot easier than being Granger's fake one. Pansy was so low maintenance. Snog her and she's content. No holding hands, no talking, no nothing! Now Granger, she's got some high expectations. "Carry my books" "Hold my hand" "Say Something to me!" Yada yada yada. So what if I forgot to carry her damn books? It's not that big of a deal. She's got two healthy arms she can carry them herself. Well, it's just she's got so many damn books for crying out bloody loud! I swear on my uncle Ernie's grave that beaver has got so many books it's a wonder their not begging her to be on the Quidditch team because her biceps must be the size of a bloody boxers from carrying all her books! And so I didn't hold her hand. Well la-ti-freaking-da!! I don't want to get fleas! For the love of tea! Give me a break! I feel like the whole freaking world was looking down upon me! And not only because I happen to be a petite man! Malfoy's are not small, we are not scrawny, we are not feminine, and we are not puny. We are petite. Thank you.

One bonus of the day was watching Potty and Spotty get their fill of beaver and myself. It was rather enjoyable. Potty turned white and Spotty turned red. They yelled. They gaped. They sputtered. They muttered. They grimaced. They groveled. It was all so beautiful to me. That was a glimpse of heaven. That is making this all worth it. Though, one thing I thought was so bad wasn't. But, once I think about it again. Yes, it was. So never mind.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

It's been three days and I think I'm getting the hang of this Beaver's Man thing. It's actually become quite simple. There's a routine. After breakfast I escort her to class. And tow her amazing and vast array of appallingly old and dusty books. I'm in the belief she just carries this many books to look smart. She couldn't possible read them all. I must say the Beaver seriously needs to do something with that Rapunzel hair of hers as well! It keeps whipping me in the face and messing up my hair! Her hair is entirely too long for regulation health standards.

Beaver also told me about how Spotty is handling his dish of sour grapes. Terribly! She says everything is working out just as planned. She added he's an over-protective, jealous, closed minded, dense, sexist pig. I told her she's never been all that clever if she hadn't realized this for 6 years.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

Today is the four-week mark. The façade has been successful for four weeks. With pain mind you.

In the Great Hall about six or seven days ago Pansy threw another hissy fit and demanded I leave Beaver and take her back. She is becoming like a pesky little fly that buzzes right by your ear. She's really pissing me off. So, just to show her I will never take her back (though it didn't mean because of Beaver) I went to Beaver, and well, I don't know why I did it. I don't know how because it's just entirely unhealthy! But I - had another temporary moment of insanity! It was like an out of body experience. I didn't do this of my own free will; I believe I was Imperio-d for just a second! I well, kissed Beaver. I know! It's just revolting! I don't know why I did it! And even worse, I enjoyed it. I think her hair hitting my head is affecting my thinking. She was just so - kissable. She's the right size and build. But it's nauseating! I hope I don't get some rare muggle born disease of the mouth. I think I need to brush my teeth again.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

I don't know what's happening to me. It's disgusting and yet I'm really taking joy in it. Wait. I'm a Malfoy - I don't feel joy! I think I'm dying. I really am. LORD TAKE ME NOW AND SAVE ME FROM MYSELF! I deserve to die! This world can't live with me anymore! Neither can I!

Ok, I took a few deep breaths, and now I can think. I hate Hermione. I really do. But her company has become tolerable. I believe since my maturity exceeds that of everyone's here, I can endure her. Barely. She reads too much, she really needs to learn the art of make up on women, her hair is constantly hitting me in the face, she's demanding, bossy, completely too conceited - I mean, she thinks she's better than ME - and just lock, stock and barrel dorky. She's a disgrace to Hogwarts. Well, come to think of it, the whole of Gryffindor house is. But somehow, she makes me smile. I don't know what it is, but when I'm with her, she just does. Whatever I'm just making things Craplicated again.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

I made Hermione cry. I don't why I said what I said but I actually made her cry. I feel rotten. She was positively sobbing! I've made Pansy cry a thousand rivers before, but I feel bad about hurting Hermione to the point of tears. God what is so different about her? Why are the rules breaking for this girl? It's damn confusing and I don't like things changing. It's making my head hurt. This sucks, why did I ever make that stupid bargain with her? Forget Pansy, I want out.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

I tried to break off the bargain with Hermione. I didn't succeed. She really didn't do anything to stop me. She actually tried to avoid me, which is nothing new really. She's avoided me for nearly 6 years except that incident with her hand making an appearance on my face. But I don't know, it was a strange moment. She smiled at me and walked away. Now that I think of it, it's not that big of a deal. But at that moment it was kind of extraordinary. Her smile wasn't fake. I feel like I've been jaded for years and I can finally feel. She was warm and real, nothing about her that instant was counterfeit, or had an alternate motive. She seemed genuinely pleased to see me, but had to walk away. I don't know - I think I indulged in too much butter beer, all this warm and fuzziness. Bah humbug.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

Sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been pre-occupied. Final exams coming up and all. The façade with Hermione is still running smoothly. But there's something strange.

I can't put my finger on it. But something in the universe is just not on. Maybe it's because Hermione was acting strangely today. All this time forced to be spent with her has made me learn the habits of a mud blood. She was all weird and then gave me a note. Which isn't entirely uncommon, we've exchanged a few notes, telling each other instructions on how to further our torture on Spotty. I haven't read it yet.

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Journal,

It's been a few weeks since I've last written. Sorry. But I think I have a hold on what's so wrong with everything lately. Everything has just been off. My life perspective is a-skew. It's her. It's Hermione. She's digging underneath my skin. The girl has got some weird power over me and it's scary. Nobody has power or control over myself but myself! This is crazy and insane and bloody hell this is not me speaking! I never thought I would confess to a stupid blank journal that I think I have feelings for that stupid flea infested mud blood! Did I just say that? I did. Oh my god. I'm going die! Someone give me a knife I need to commit suicide and take this journal along with me!!!

Oh god, I do don't I? I do. I do have feeling for Hermione. Whenever I'm around her, I just feel like a better person. I'm better when she's there. Is that feelings? Or is it because she's just a better person than I am? Somehow over the months of our little façade the annoyance of her imperfections turned into an admiration of them. How they just fit into what a genuine person she is. What am I writing about? It's Granger; I am supposed to hate her. That's just the thing; I don't think I ever really could. I just diluted my thoughts into deceiving me into believing I hated her because I was supposed to. I was taught to hate her. I never felt hate towards her. Well maybe I did, but I don't think I do anymore. I think. For the last year at Hogwarts, I thought I was going to pretend to date Hermione to piss everyone off and get revenge. Now I seem to want to date Hermione because she's the only person who will spend time with me. Except Pansy. I don't know what to think; I don't think I can think. It's all confusing! Why do I even have to have feelings? They only make life complicated. Craplicated. Whatever.

My father never showed signs of love or kindliness towards me, neither did my mother. Pansy's only signs of affection were that of sexual attention. And well Crabbe and Goyle - I don't really want any signs of affection from them. Hermione is the first person to really show me any softness. Maybe that's why I kind of enjoy being around her. Everyone loves her and shows her fondness, and she just sort of stretched that out to me over the months of our bargain. But she could never have feelings for me like the kind I do for her. Never. She hates me with the fire of a thousand orange muggle born suns. I finally read that note she gave me so long ago. It said, "We are loved beyond our ability to comprehend" That may be true for her, but not me.

-Draco Malfoy