The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Chapter 11: 31^st March - 16^th April

Wednesday 31^st March.

Dear Diary,

Oh, the things I subject myself to in the name of true love. I have spent the last couple of days hanging out with Harry in his common room. That would be Gryffindor Tower, with its gaudy décor and terribly, terribly sincere inhabitants. Seriously, everyone here is so cheery and gung-ho, it's a little scary. I'm a Slytherin - there's only so much pep I can take! Oh, and all that red and gold is starting to hurt my eyes. I would suggest spending some time in the dungeons, but Blaise is always glaring at us there and it makes things really awkward. Not that I particularly care about pissing Blaise off, but it ruins the ambiance.

Everything is so noisy and shiny here. Oh, and don't even get me started on the practical jokes! Seriously, I thought it was bad enough when it was just Zonko's you had to contend with, but all the Gryffindors feel obliged to use Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes too, just because those hideous twins hailed from here. We Slytherins have always turned our noses up at joke shop merchandise - I mean, it just isn't classy. It seems that all of Harry's cronies have no such reservations. I've just been moulted on by Neville Longbottom after he'd had another one of those wretched Canary Crèmes. You'd think he would have learnt by now, wouldn't you? Urgh, that idiot Seamus tried to get me to eat one earlier when Harry wasn't around - just one of the reasons why I am glad to be back on my diet.

Harry doesn't understand. He keeps telling me that it's just a bit of fun and that if I'd just loosen up and join in I might actually enjoy myself. I'm sorry, but there is no way that I'm going to spend my evenings sitting around, bluffing about how courageous I am whilst stocking up on Fainting Fancies so that I don't have to face Snape in the morning.

I'm going to have to make a break for it soon - all this good-will is making me cranky with Harry. It's funny, you know. Whenever I'm spending time with the Slytherins - who are invariably a cynical, dour-faced bunch - I consider myself to be a fairly cheerful fellow. However, it seems that as soon as I spend any time with the happy, happy Gryffindors, I turn into Snape. Or at least his hot, blond equivalent. I even start glowering and sweeping about majestically so that my cloak billows out behind me. I guess it must be some kind of reflex. Maybe it's a defence mechanism - I can't deny that being around so many cheerful people makes me a little nervous. Harry and his friends aren't too bad, but the rest of them - Jesus! It puts me on edge, being around people who are that nice all the time. The negative energy has to come out at some point. It just means that they're far more likely to, I don't know, suffocate me in my sleep or something. Perhaps that's why I'm being extra mean - if they're going to flip out and attack me, I would like it to happen when I'm awake and thus able to defend myself.

Anyway, I was doing my homework by the fire earlier, trying to ignore Granger who was harping on about house-elf rights YET AGAIN, when Harry sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. "Hey, baby. Listen, we were thinking of throwing a party at some point as a sort of early Easter celebration. When would be good for you?"

"Hmm, let me think," I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Yet another impromptu Gryffindor party. Let's see... how about never? Does 'never' sound good to you, Harry?"

He pouted.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," I sighed. "It's just that everyone here is so perky. Or really earnest. Or ginger. There's only so much that I can take! I really need to spend a bit more time with my kind, that's all."

Harry laughed. "You make it sound like we're a different species!"

"We might as well be! I'm sorry, Harry. I love you, I really do, but I can't spend any more time here. I'm having an allergic reaction to the gold, or something. It's different with you. I mean, you're a Gryffindor, but you've got that dangerous Slytherin quality to you which really takes the edge off."

"You mean how Voldemort transferred some of his personality to me the night he killed my parents, meaning that he can possess me and that I might have the potential to go completely Dark Side?"

"Exactly," I replied, grateful that he understood. "It makes it bearable."

In the end, Harry promised that we could hang out with my friends in the library tomorrow. Harry is the best.

Friday 2^nd April.

Dear Diary,

I just had another bitch-fight with Blaise. What the hell is his problem? Everything was fine until he felt the need to make his nasty little comments and make me doubt myself.

I was leaving the hall with Pansy, discussing where we were going to go on our double date tomorrow, when Blaise came swanning up behind me. "Really, Draco, I never thought you'd become so domesticated! You really are the perfect little boyfriend, aren't you? What's next - are you and Potter going to get matching his-and-his t-shirts?"

"What the hell is your problem, Zabini?" Pansy said.

"No problem. I just find it interesting that Malfoy here seems to have no qualms about being Harry's little lap dog."

"Right," I sneered. "Whereas you became a Gryffindor Quidditch groupie under great duress last year."

He rolled his eyes. "The point is that I never thought of it as a permanent thing. Harry was hot stuff and I did what I had to do to get my hands on him. Not you, though. You're actually in it for the long haul, aren't you? You were going to leave this school as a legend. The Prince of Slytherin. Don't you realise what's happened to your reputation? You used to be all dangerous and sexy, able to get any man you wanted, but now you've happily given all of that up. Now everyone will just think of you as Harry's boyfriend. That's all anyone will ever remember you for in future. But hey, as long as you're happy." He smirked at me again and minced off.

"Don't listen to him, sweetie," Pansy said. "He's just bitter because Harry dumped him."

I agreed, but I can't say that it didn't make me a little concerned. Is that really what people think about me? I mean, I know I've changed a bit since I've been with Harry, but it's not as if I've stopped being myself. I haven't sold out. Blaise Zabini is a big knob-head with no knob, and I'll just have to content myself with putting horrible things in his mouth while he sleeps.

Sunday 4^th April.

Dear Diary,

I've just had a bit of a scary conversation with Harry. And I feel really bad for being freaked out by it, but here I am all jittery and weird, having just consumed two Pumpkin Pasties and a bar of Honeydukes' finest. Greg gave them to me. I really shouldn't hang around with him when I'm on edge, because it only gives him the opportunity to put his feeder impulses into practice.

Anyway, back to Harry. We were walking round the lake earlier, and everything was going really well. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and there was sweet gay love in the air. I'd practically forgotten all about Blaise's little comments the other day. Harry was talking about Voldemort. Whenever he does this he always stares heroically into middle distance - it's so cute, but I can't tell him that because he gets all pissy.

Then he started talking about us. At first he was just talking about how we could go somewhere on holiday together later this year, which immediately conjured up images of Harry rubbing sunscreen on me while we lay on some Caribbean beach. I didn't allow the fact that the last time I sunbathed I ended up an attractive shade of lobster and all the skin peeled off my nose to ruin my homoerotic flight of fancy.

I suddenly realised that Harry was still talking, and guiltily refocused on our conversation. "...And obviously it would be nice to get somewhere in London together, but then I've always had this fantasy about a little country cottage as well. I guess that's because of my parents. Obviously I don't remember living in Godric's Hollow, but I've seen photos, and it looked lovely. You know, they got married a year after leaving school? I always thought that they were so lucky. I mean, what are the chances of finding the person you want to be with for the rest of your life at our age? I never thought that the same thing would happen to me, yet here I am!" He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a kiss.

I was too stunned to respond properly. I mean, was Harry seriously saying that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? Wow. I mean, obviously I was thrilled that he was that serious about me. But then it got me thinking. The rest of our lives. That is potentially a very long time. Nobody else, just each other, for the rest of our lives. We're only seventeen! Surely it's too early to be thinking about that kind of thing? And then, what about me? As much as I hate to admit it, Blaise is right. I used to be such a player, and... now I'm ready to settle down? Am I really? What will people think? Am I just consigned to being 'Harry Potter's Boyfriend' for the rest of my life?

Harry noticed that I was being a bit weird, but I just told him that I had indigestion and ran off. Now I've eaten a load of pastry and I really do have indigestion. And I'm all gassy, which doesn't help with the stress. Bloody hell, why am I being such an idiot? I love Harry and I certainly don't want to break up with him, so why am I freaking out over this? It's not like I haven't indulged in a few fantasies about the two of us being together forever.

It was just hearing it out loud like that. Knowing that it could actually happen. And then, what if Harry gets bored with me? What if I get fat? What if some bronzed Italian hunk comes along and sweeps him off his feet? Oh, and I've still got Blaise and his bitchy comments of doom hanging over my head.

Not literally - that would be hideous.

Sunday 10^th April.

Dear Diary,

I think I've just about overcome my little episode last week. I mean, it was really stupid of me. I want to be with Harry, so why should I care about what other people think? I seem to be pathologically unable to just enjoy what I've got without making some hideous drama out of everything. Harry's being a bit weird. I think he might have realised that I got scared when he was talking about our future together, and now he's embarrassed. I keep really over-compensating by going on and on about how much I want us to always be together, which probably isn't helping. It probably wasn't such a great idea to have Vince and Greg make me a big heart-shaped cake with little icing figurines of me and Harry on top, either. I think Ron ended up eating it. I guess we should probably talk about it at some point, but I can't seem to overcome my tendency to avoid and suppress my problems then obsess about them as soon as I'm alone.

I think even Pansy's starting to get fed up with me. She's being a bit weird at the moment. She's taken to wearing red lipstick and a beret all the time. Whenever she's questioned about this, she invariably replies, "My boyfriend's an artist, I have to look the part!" The fact that Dean always goes around in jeans and a t-shirt when he's not in his school uniform doesn't seem to matter. Also, I would remind her that designing a few Gryffindor banners and passing amusing caricatures of our professors around in class doesn't exactly make him the next Leonardo Da Vinci, but I think Pansy might hit me. I'll keep an eye on her. If she starts going around in a kimono with a cigarette holder, I'll intervene.

Later.

I'm in the library with Harry, Pansy and Dean right now. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but I have another horrible Arithmancy worksheet to do and it's making my brain hurt. So now I'm writing this behind the cover of my textbook, hoping that no one will notice.

I'm a bit annoyed with Harry, actually. He says that he can't spend the evening with me because he's been neglecting his friends lately and he wants to spend a bit of time with them. He's going to Hagrid's for tea. He says that I'm free to come up to Gryffindor Tower after he gets back so that we can spend the night together, but I've told him that I'll be too busy. Busy being resentful and paranoid that he's getting bored with me.

"But why do you even want to hang out with Hagrid?" I whined. That's another thing - I've started whining. I'm sure that I never used to, and I hate it. I can't imagine Harry is too keen on it either. My voice gets all high and my face screws up, which I'm sure makes me look really sexy. Nevertheless, there I was twenty minutes ago, whining about Hagrid.

"He's my oldest friend," Harry replied in his patient-yet-exasperated voice. "I haven't been to see him in a while. Why don't you come down to the cabin some time? You're more than welcome."

Now, Hagrid happens to make me extremely nervous, but I'm damned if I'm going to let anyone find out about that. "I'm sorry, Harry, but spending my evenings in a cabin pretending to enjoy indigestible cake is not my idea of a good time. Besides, he's a groundskeeper. I think it's time you found some cooler friends."

Harry was starting to get cross. "There's no need to get nasty about it! What happened to you making an effort with my friends? And anyway, Hagrid isn't just a groundskeeper - he's the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, and he's the Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts."

"I would like to contest that. Have you ever seen Hagrid with any keys? Have you ever seen him lock or unlock anything? I sure haven't. And even if he is keeping these alleged keys, it does rather beg the question - where does he keep them?"

Harry was sulking, so I apologised and made a vague promise to go with him to Hagrid's in the future. But he's still not going to be with me tonight. Clearly he is going to break up with me and then I will be alone forever because no one will ever live up to Harry.

Later still.

We were leaving the library when Harry came over and put his arm around my waist. "Updated your diary, then?"

"How did you know?"

"Oh, please, when do you ever concentrate that hard on actual work? Listen... are you okay?"

"I think so," I replied. "Unless you're not okay. Are you okay? Are we okay?"

He hugged me. "Of course we are. You really do need to stop worrying so much all the time. I'm going over to Hagrid's tonight, but I promise that it doesn't mean I'm losing interest in you. We'll do something nice together next weekend, okay? I really do love you, you know that, right?"

We had a bit of a snog until Snape turned up, told us that we were being indecent and threatened to put us in detention. Stoopid Snape. Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. Harry is lovely and I am not going to allow my paranoia to come between us any more.

Monday 11^th April.

Dear Diary,

I really did overreact yesterday. I'm not entirely sure how Harry puts up with me all the time. I mean, the fact that I'm a hottie has to help some, but looks are not everything. I haven't made things terribly easy for him recently. I wonder how I can make it up to him. It has to be something to show that I really love him and accept everything about him. Something that shows I am in this relationship for the long haul. Ooh, I think I've got it! Of course, it might be a bit tricky to orchestrate, but with my powers of persuasion I should get there in the end. Oh, if this works out, Harry is going to be blown away!

Tuesday 12^th April.

Dear Diary,

Merde.

Okay, I have once again demonstrated my remarkable prowess at bollocksing everything up.

I told Harry to meet me in the Room of Requirement at ten o'clock yesterday night, and to come alone. When he arrived, I was lying on an enormous bed in the middle of the room, surrounded by candles, wearing nothing but my sexy black trousers. So far so good, you might say. That was evidently what Harry was thinking anyway, and he started to walk towards me with that 'you are going to get it every which way' look in his eyes.

"Wait a moment," I said seductively, holding up my hand. "I've got a little surprise for you tonight, Harry. Just to show you how much I love you."

Now, this is where it all went horribly, horribly wrong. I smiled at Harry sexily and hooked my fingers into the waistband of his trousers, drawing him down onto the bed next to me. Then I said loudly, "You can come in now," and the Bloody Baron floated out through the screen he'd been hiding behind, looking remarkably lecherous for someone who's been dead for a few hundred years.

Harry looked incredibly confused. "Um, Draco... what the frell is going on?"

"This is my surprise, Harry," I whispered in his ear, starting to undo the buttons on his shirt. "It's okay, I don't mind. I love you and I want to make you happy. I can't deny that I thought it was a bit strange when I first discovered your little fetish, but as you can see, I've come around."

Harry turned to look at me. "What fetish?"

I smiled. "You don't have to play innocent with me, love. Your ghost-voyeurism fetish."

"My what?!" he sputtered.

I rolled my eyes. "You know, how you like the thought of a ghost watching you when you're having sex. I wasn't sure if I could handle it at first, but I love you so much that I'm willing to give it a shot. I wasn't sure which of the ghosts would be up for it, but then I remembered that the Baron here is a Slytherin, and therefore he's bound to be a bit kinky. I broached the subject, and as luck would have it he thought it sounded great! He's quite sexy really, if you can ignore the bloodstains. Though, come to think of it, the bloodstains are white, so they kind of look like--"

"Argh! No! Stop!" Harry cut in, leaping off the bed and backing away towards the door. "What the hell, Draco? I don't... I mean... what the fuck gave you the idea I wanted a ghost to watch us while we do it?"

I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. "You... you don't?"

"NO! That's a horrible idea!"

"But... but that time in the bathroom! You said that Moaning Myrtle might have been watching us, and you were all happy about it! You said it had happened before!"

"I wasn't happy about it! It was just that I'd genuinely forgotten that she did that, and I knew that if I was all horrified it would only have made you feel worse! Christ, Draco, did you really think that I got off on the thought of her watching us?"

"Er, the two of you obviously need to sort some things out," the Bloody Baron said awkwardly. "I'll jut get out of your way. But Malfoy? If you ever do bring your boy around to the idea, I'm always available." He winked at me and drifted out of the room. I felt like I might just die of shame.

"Look," Harry said, "I'm sorry I shouted. It's just that I was a bit shocked. It was... a lovely thought. But I'm really not into ghost-voyeurism."

"That's fine!" I replied, my voice coming out all weird and high. "Let's just keep it between the two of us, shall we?" Then I did this really horrible fake laugh.

"Sure!" Harry said, giving a smile which was a little too forced. He came over to the bed again and we started kissing, but it was just really awkward. I was dying of humiliation, and I think Harry was still pretty freaked out.

We fumbled around half-heartedly for a couple of minutes, before I pulled back. "You know, I'm actually pretty tired."

"Me too," Harry replied, unable to hide the relief in his voice. "Shall we just cuddle?"

We held each other in silence for a bit, unable to relax, our eyes wide and horrified. "Actually," said Harry, "I think I'm so tired, I need to get some sleep."

"Right!" I replied. "Sleep! Sleep is good!"

"It is indeed! Night, then!"

"Goodnight!" Our voices were overly-bright.

We both lay down at opposite ends of the bed with our backs to each other and curled up in little balls, both consumed with our mutual humiliation. When I woke up Harry was gone, leaving a note to say that he had gone down to breakfast. Oh, the shame! I told Pansy about it which was a mistake, as she's still cackling away like the sadistic harpy she is. Oh, why am I such a blundering fool?

Wednesday 13^th April.

Dear Diary,

I think Harry and I have managed to sort things out. I got a message from him last night asking to meet up at lunch in the Charms classroom. I'd arrived early, and I was sitting on one of the desks when Harry arrived.

He grinned. "Hey, you haven't got Peeves hiding in the supplies cupboard or something, have you?"

"Shhhuurrrrddduuuuppp!" I mumbled, going bright red.

"Oh, come on! It's kind of funny if you think about it!"

"Maybe to you," I sniffed. "I don't think I am ever going to live it down. Harry, last night was a disaster and I am so sorry."

He came to sit on the desk beside me. "Well, I can't say that it didn't knock me for six. I mean... ghost-voyeurism? Only you could come up with something like that. But now I've had time to think about it, I can see how sweet it really was. I mean, you thought I had this bizarre kink, and you obviously thought it was a bit twisted, but you were willing to go along with it just to make me happy."

"It was pretty sweet of me," I conceded.

"It was. But maybe next time, you ask me what my fantasies are before trying to act them out."

"Right. Absolutely. Consider that lesson thoroughly learnt." I sighed. It was time for Harry and I to have one of those horrible relationship discussions. "Harry... I'm sorry I've been so weird lately."

He put his arm around me and rested his head on my shoulder. "That's okay. What's it all about?"

It all came out. The horrible conversation with Blaise, my worries about what other people thought about me, my fears that Harry is going to get bored with me and how bad I felt about getting all jittery when he talked about our future, and how I wanted to make it up to him, but I couldn't seem to get it right.

Harry listened in silence. When I was done, he turned to look at me. "Darling, I really wish you'd just talk to me. You keep hiding things from me, and I can't make it better if I don't know what the problem is. I realise that I might have come on a bit strong the other day when we were by the lake, but I didn't mean to. I'm just so excited about you, and sometimes I get carried away. I didn't mean to scare you off."

"You didn't!" I protested. "It's just me being an idiot. I love you, and I want to be with you."

We hugged, and then embarked on what promised to be a pretty good make-out session, but the bell went for afternoon classes before things could go too far. I'm off to Harry's tonight to finish what we started!

Friday 15^th April.

Dear Diary,

Ooh, I'm really excited! Harry and I are going to a gig in Hogsmeade tomorrow! I wonder what I should wear. Harry says he'll wear the clothes that I bought him, so he's going to look really hot. Maybe I'll wear my shirt with the frills and my Italian boots. Ooh, the gig's going to be all sexy and sweaty and we can dance together and then go home and shag! I can't wait!

Oh, slightly disconcerting news - the Quidditch final between Gryffindor and Slytherin is scheduled for the Monday after next. I've been trying to block it out. I guess Harry and I should talk about how we're going to handle it...

Saturday 16^th April.

Dear Diary,

I am never going to forgive Harry for this! I can't believe he would be so selfish! He clearly doesn't love me at all.

We were hanging out together earlier on, and I very casually brought up the subject of the forthcoming match. "So... looks like we're going to be playing against each other again in a few days."

"I know," Harry said. "It's going to be weird, isn't it? Hope you're ready for some tough competition - we've been practicing really hard this year."

I laughed awkwardly. "Right... but you will do the honourable thing, won't you?"

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you are going to let me catch the Snitch this time, right?"

To my annoyance, Harry burst out laughing. "Let you catch the Snitch? Ha! Good one, Draco! Why on earth would I... wait, you weren't kidding, were you?"

I pouted. "You've already won the cup once. It's my turn now."

"Um, that would sort of defeat the whole point of the competition. You're not supposed to take turns, you're supposed to fight for it."

"But Harry! I'm your boyfriend! This is my last chance to win the cup for Slytherin before we leave, and you're just taking it away from me!"

"I'm not taking it away - you've got as good a chance at catching the Snitch as I have."

"Fine," I sniffed, starting to get angry. "Clearly you care more about that stupid game than you do about our relationship."

"I'm not even going to begin to point out how hypocritical that statement was," Harry replied, getting pissed off himself. "How the hell would my team-mates feel if after working them so hard all year to be the best they can be, I just threw the game away? I love you, but I can't let them down like that!"

"Clearly you don't love me," I shouted, "or you'd let me win! I never realised how selfish you are, Harry!"

"You know what?" he yelled, "I don't really feel like going to the gig with you this evening!"

"Yeah, well, neither do I!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

I stormed out. Stupid Harry! What the hell is his problem? I really thought that he would happily give the Quidditch game to me, seeing as I haven't won against him yet. Clearly I underestimated his competitive streak. You know what? I don't need him to have fun. I was really looking forward to this gig tonight, and if Harry's going to be like this, I'll just have to go on my own, won't I?