The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Chapter 4: 12^th November - 17^th December.

Wednesday 13^th November.

Dear Diary,

Pansy and I have just got back from the library - our Transfiguration essays are finally finished and ready to hand in tomorrow. I don't think mine is as good as I would've liked it to be, due to my extenuating circumstances. It's very hard to concentrate on anything other than this horrible thing with Harry and Blaise right now. It can't last between them, can it? I mean, they're just so different. Harry is sweet and noble and kind, whereas Blaise is... Blaise. He forms a category of hideousness all of its own. He must be putting on an act for Harry, pretending to be a better person than he actually is. Harry is so green; he would fall for something like that.

Pansy has been very understanding. It helps that she's going through something similar, though her situation is nowhere near as bad as mine, obviously. She's had a crush on Theo Nott for over a year now, but he's never paid any attention to her. The trouble is that she's too shy to approach him about it because she's sure he'll turn her down. Hmm... I know the feeling. It's good to have someone to moan to, anyway.

At least she has something to be happy about : she's just heard that she's definitely going into St Mungo's over Christmas to get her nose fixed. I have to say, I'm happy for her. As much as I love the girl, she does look as if she ran into a wall as a small child.

Saturday 16^th November.

Dear Diary,

Pansy and I went into Hogsmeade today to do a bit of Christmas shopping. We had lunch with Vince and Greg, but it all got a bit too much when they started feeding each other bangers and mash. Pans and I had to make a swift get-away. Ugh.

We saw Harry and Blaise wandering around together, which was a kick in the crotch if ever there was one. Granger and Weasley looked almost as unhappy as I felt about the whole situation. They were trailing behind the happy couple, faces like thunder. I'm sure I saw Weasley's hand going for his wand a couple of times before Granger held him back. For once, I was completely on his side. Blaise was wittering on about something moronic, and Harry was just ambling along beside him. I couldn't help but notice that he didn't look terribly ecstatic, but maybe that's just my wishful thinking.

Why is Harry Potter such an idiot? Surely he can see that Blaise isn't good enough for him. Maybe if I keep on being nice to him, he'll see that he's picked the wrong Slytherin. Harry should be mine, and we should be together. End of story.

Sunday 17^th November.

Dear Diary,

It was the Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff Quidditch match today, and Gryffindor won. Harry looks so sexy when he's flying. To be honest, I think that's why I've always lost to him - I was too busy checking him out to look for the Snitch. I love watching Harry play; it's like poetry in motion.

My pleasure was tainted somewhat by the fact that Blaise had chosen to show up adorned in Gryffindor rosettes and carrying a banner which read 'GO GRYFFINDOR! HARRY AND BLAISE 4EVA!' It was disgusting - even the students supporting Gryffindor were giving him disdainful glances. I have to say, Harry didn't look too happy about it either. He waved and smiled at Blaise as the team left the field, but I couldn't help but notice that he seemed rather embarrassed by the whole display.

I amused myself throughout the match by charming small insects to fly at Blaise's head. He was flapping around like an idiot for most of the time. He really is a moron - I was standing right behind him, but he never guessed that it was me doing it. I told him that the bugs must have been attracted to his rancid cologne. Where the hell did he get that stuff? He claims that it's from an exclusive Swiss boutique and that it's full of aphrodisiacs. Now, this proves two things about Blaise. One - he obviously feels the need to cover himself in hormones to ensure that anyone stays around long enough for him to shag them. Two - he is enough of an idiot to believe some yodelling goatherd who tries to convince him that this concoction really does contain aphrodisiacs and isn't, in fact, made of Hinkypunk urine. I don't know how Harry can stand it.

Silly, silly Blaise. Everybody knows that Harry hates anyone making a display of him. I suppose the nice thing to do would be to talk to Blaise and point out where he's going wrong. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to watch in glee as this pseudo-relationship falls in ruins about Blaise's pretty little ears. Then I'm going to do all I can to console poor, broken-hearted Harry. Hehe.

Sunday 24^th November.

Dear Diary,

Well, this has been a very eventful week. Very eventful indeed. I'm afraid to say that I have spent most of my time either in the library trying to get through the mountain of homework which our professors have been so generous with of late, or scheming how I might split up Blaise and Harry. Oh God, and I've eaten about three tubs of ice cream. It was all Pansy's fault. She convinced me that it would make me feel better. The truth is, she just did it to make herself feel better about the fact that she's carrying a little extra weight lately, by dragging me down with her.

Oh, but the funniest thing happened the day before yesterday. I was in the library, watching Harry and Blaise at another table. Blaise kept looking over and giving me these really fake apologetic looks. Git. I can't believe he thinks I still like him. Anyway, it didn't stop him from rubbing himself up against Harry like a tomcat in heat, and whispering in his ear. Poor Harry was obviously trying to get on with his work, but he was too polite to tell Blaise to piss off. Just then, he looked up and saw me watching. I wasn't entirely sure what to do, so I gave him a small smile. I couldn't quite believe what happened next. Harry Potter smiled back, then looked away. Harry smiled at me!

Naturally, I immediately started planning the wedding, but I had to stop myself before I got too carried away. After all, it was just a smile, it might not have meant anything. Nevertheless, it was an interesting development, and I decided to look for any opportunity to get Harry on his own.

To my delight, such an opportunity presented itself earlier this evening. I was crossing the quad on my way back to the Slytherin common room, when I saw Harry loitering by one of the benches, looking very uncomfortable in a black satin shirt and an expensive-looking leather jacket. No prizes for guessing who thought up that little ensemble. Poor Harry; he looked like a gigolo.

He looked slightly nervous as I approached, but I smiled disarmingly and said, "Evening, Potter. Cold tonight, isn't it?"

"Er, yeah. It is a bit." Harry wrapped his arms around himself to emphasise the point.

"It's getting dark too," I said. "I'll stay with you while you wait. I'd hate to think of you out here all alone - there might be trouble."

Harry gave me a weird look. You know how there are times when you think you're being really cool and debonair, but then you look back later and realise that actually, you came across as a bit of a twat? This was one of those times. I mean, I was hardly in a position to offer Harry protection, given our history. And then there's the fact that he's this big hero who's survived several encounters with You Know Who, whereas I scream like a little girl if a moth gets into the room. Still, Harry didn't tell me to get lost, which I took as an indication that he didn't mind me sticking around.

He kept giving me sideways glances, then looking away when I looked up. It was absolutely darling. Finally, he turned towards me. "You know, Malfoy... I'm kind of waiting for Blaise."

I sneered. "I guessed as much."

He cleared his throat. "Look... he's told me that you still like him. I'm sorry, I really am; I know we haven't had the best history, but I had no idea about you and Blaise. I... didn't mean to get in the way."

I turned towards him. "Look, Potter, let me make it clear: I feel nothing for Blaise Zabini. Apart for some short-lived lust, I never have. I realise that he has some silly delusions about me, but he's mistaken. I don't like Blaise, I like... somebody else."

"Oh. Well, er, that's good." Was I imagining it, or did Harry look slightly disappointed? "Does... does this person like you back?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "He's a tough one to read. I'd like to think I'm growing on him."

"Ah, well good luck!" Harry really is oblivious sometimes.

I gave him a once-over. He was fidgeting and kept tugging at the collar of the jacket. Poor baby - he was so uncomfortable!

I reached out and stroked his sleeve - a cunning move aimed to disguise the gratuitous bicep-grope I was really after. "Is this new?"

"Um... yeah, it is."

"Blaise got it for you, didn't he?"

"Well... yes. How did you know?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh please, this is exactly like something he would wear. In fact, I'm sure I've seen him in this exact shirt." I gave him a crafty look. "It's not really you, is it?"

"Oh, I don't know," Harry blustered. "It was very kind of Blaise to spend so much on me. I mean, obviously it isn't something I'd choose myself, but I'll get used to it. Blaise is always saying that I need to branch out more with what I wear."

I tutted loudly. "You really shouldn't let him dictate the way you look. He should appreciate you the way you are. I thought you looked fine before." This was a bit of a lie, but I really wanted to look good in comparison to Blaise.

Harry looked gratified. "Do you really think so?"

I smiled sweetly. "Oh, yes! I think you should just wear what you're comfortable in. Don't let anyone tell you that you need to change."

Harry smiled at me, and I somehow resisted the urge to turn into a big pile of goo at his feet. He checked his watch and frowned slightly. "God, where is he? Sorry, it's just that Blaise and I are supposed to be going into Hogsmeade and he's late again. I'm sure he just got held up, but I wish he'd let me know."

I shook my head sadly. "He can be a little inconsiderate sometimes." Ha! I love how evil I am.

Just then, Blaise appeared around the corner, and he didn't look at all happy to see me with Harry. Harry got ready to leave. "See you later, Malfoy. Thanks for waiting with me." He hurried over to Blaise and they disappeared, but not before I heard the hideous man-bitch interrogate Harry about why he was talking to me. Good - now Blaise will be all whiney and Harry will see that I would be a much more suitable boyfriend.

It would have been the perfect evening, if I hadn't got back to the common room to have Pansy interrogate me about why her Ladyshave Potion was in my toiletries bag. I wish she'd wait until we were alone before she did things like that - I didn't really need the whole of Slytherin house to know that I favour a smooth leg.

Friday 29^th November.

Dear Diary,

I hardly have any opportunities to write at the moment; everything is so hectic, what with homework and Quidditch practice and trying to steal other people's boyfriends. It's fortunate that I've always been good at multi-tasking.

We had a Potions test on Wednesday, which we just got back. I only got a couple of questions wrong, thus proving once and for all that I am the king of everything. Poor Harry didn't do so well - Snape told him his test was 'abysmal'. Ah, if he were mine, I'd coach him until he was as good as me. Well, maybe not as good as me. I'd like to feel superior to him some of the time.

Harry and I have been getting on much better since our conversation in the quad the other night. Granted, we haven't been able to actually talk, but he gives me a little half-smile when he sees me, and he actually waved the other morning when we were leaving breakfast. His friends looked very suspicious, and I overheard Weasley asking him if he was collecting vacuous Slytherins now. I don't know what 'vacuous' means. He was probably referring to the fact that Blaise and I are both unbelievably good-looking.

Ooh, talking of Blaise, I saw them having an argument yesterday! Blaise was doing his usual flouncy, huffy act, not letting Harry get a word in edgeways. Harry, on the other hand, was scowling and rubbing the back of his neck. I could tell he was really pissed off. Methinks there is trouble in Paradise! Not that I would call their relationship Paradise; it's more like a package holiday to Bognor Regis. Anyway, the point is that I don't think it'll be long before the whole hideous debacle is over. Huzzah!

Friday 4^th December.

Dear Diary,

Yet another week has passed before I've found opportunity to write. Though to be honest, there hasn't been much to report till now apart from how much homework we've been getting.

I've had a bit of a dramatic day today, though. Blaise came flouncing up to me while I was sitting with Greg by the fire. "Draco, why the hell do you keep flirting with my boyfriend? Don't think I haven't seen you batting your eyelashes at him across the Great Hall. Is this just some silly revenge plan because I don't want you any more? Well, I don't care. I've been so careful to be sensitive to your unrequited desire, but you've gone too far. Harry and I are together now, so you'd better back the hell off!"

I stood up. "Um, okay. Firstly, you can get the stench of your nasty cheap cologne which probably fell off the back of a broom out of my face, because I'm about to pass out from the fumes. Secondly, get the hell over yourself! I'm not interested in you, and if I want to offer a little harmless friendship to Potter, I don't see why I shouldn't. Or are you feeling threatened?"

Blaise launched himself at me, and we got into a bit of a scuffle. It got quite nasty actually - hair was pulled (mine) and arms were pinched (his). In the end, Greg pulled us apart. Literally. He picked us up off the floor by the scruffs of our necks and plonked us down into separate armchairs. I hate that he can do that.

Greg looked at us appealingly. "Guys, please. I'm sensing a lot of crossed-wires here, a lot of hurt, but there's no need to turn to violence. I don't want our dorm's karma brought down by any bad vibes coming from the two of you." He's got into all this New-Age stuff recently. It's really annoying.

I pouted. "He started it."

Blaise stuck his tongue out. "I just don't want you getting between me and Harry. What's your problem, anyway? It's not like I've ruled out anything happening between you and I in the future. This thing with Harry won't last forever."

I felt like I'd been slapped. "What do you mean?"

Blaise smirked. "Well, it's been a lot of fun, but you can't expect someone like me to be tied down to just one guy for too long, can you?"

I felt my blood boil, but I forced myself to stay calm. "Right, so now that you've defiled Potter's innocence, you're just going to forget him and move on?"

Blaise's eyes widened. "'Defiled Potter's innocence'? Hardly. What, you didn't think I was his first, did you? My, my, you are out of the loop. Didn't you hear about him and Oliver Wood?"

I tried to disguise how shocked I felt. "Well, unlike some people, I don't take that much interest in other people's sex lives." I paused. "So Harry and Oliver were together?"

Blaise gave me a superior look. "Oh yes, I thought it was common knowledge. They hooked up for a while last summer. God, I never realised how out-of-touch you are, Draco." With that, he got up and walked away, leaving me reeling with shock.

Harry and Oliver. Well, I suppose it does make sense now I come to think about it. All those years of showering together after Quidditch matches, sexual tension building... See, now I'm really confused. On the one hand, I'm hugely relieved that Blaise didn't take Harry's virginity. On the other, I'm now chronically jealous of Oliver Wood. Which is further complicated by the fact that I used to have a HUGE crush on him myself. With his muscles and his Scottish brogue... Wow, Harry and Oliver hooked up. I wonder what that must have been like. Now I'm imagining them together, all hot and steamy...

Excuse me, I... have to go to bed.

Sunday 6^th December.

Dear Diary,

Somehow, I have managed to resist eating all the chocolates in the Advent Calendar my mother sent me. Clearly, my self-control is improving. I am looking pretty good right now - I've managed to keep off the weight I lost after I found out Blaise and Harry were together.

Later.

I just saw Harry and Blaise together and... the chocolates are gone. So much for self-control.

Thursday 10^th December.

Dear Diary,

Vince and Greg have just had a massive row. It all started because Greg had got wax from his scented candles all over Vince's new jumper. Greg pointed out that it could be removed with a simple charm, but Vince said that wasn't the point and that it was a matter of consideration. He said that Greg obviously felt that because they'd been together for so long, he could take Vince for granted. The whole thing escalated, and in the end Pansy had to take Vince off to calm down while I tried to comfort Greg.

He was really upset. He sort of threw himself on me, wrapping his arms around my neck. The trouble is that Greg is... considerably bigger than me. I tried to remain upright while he sobbed on my shoulder, but in the end my knees buckled and we fell on the floor. This made matters worse as Greg took it as confirmation that he really was inconsiderate.

I really hope they make up. I mean, they're Crabbe and Goyle! They have to make it work. Their relationship has always been a great comfort to me. I mean, if two people that unfortunate-looking can find love, then an Adonis such as myself is bound to get lucky sooner or later. Greg has gone off to apologise now - I hope it all works out.

One hour later.

Okay, safe to say that Vince and Greg have made up. They came back to the dorm room with Pansy in tow, both looking very red around the eyes. We sat them down, and Greg apologised for taking Vince for granted. He said that he promised to be more considerate in the future and bring some of the romance back into their relationship. Vince said he forgave him, and they hugged. This turned into a pretty furious make-out session. Pansy and I looked at each other in horror and ran for the door. We're camped out by the fire now. I'm pretty tired, but... I don't know if it's safe for me to go up to bed yet. Ewww!

Saturday 12^th December.

Dear Diary,

I met Harry in the Owlery today, sending Christmas cards. I'd been hoping to bump into him before we have to leave for the holidays, and I couldn't have wished for a more perfect scenario. It was quite romantic really; high up, surrounded by mountain views, snow falling gently around us. It was marred slightly by the fact that a wretched Tawny Owl pooped on my head as we were leaving, but I don't think Harry noticed.

He did look rather pleased to see me. He was wearing his old fleece again which, although not quite the height of fashion, is much better than that hideous leather monstrosity Blaise got him.

I grinned. "Hello, Potter. I see you've taken my advice about the clothes."

Harry smiled sheepishly. "Well, yeah. I mean, you were right; there's no point trying to be someone I'm not. I'm much happier like this, to be honest."

I nodded sympathetically. "How did Blaise take it?"

Harry looked slightly guilty. "Not too well. I mean, I suppose he's right - it was kind of selfish of me. I guess he was only trying to be nice, but... I don't look that bad like this, do I?"

He is painfully adorable when he's anxious. "No," I replied. "You look pretty good from where I'm standing." It might have just been the cold, but I'm sure I saw him blush when I said this. I decided to see how far I could push things. "How are things with you and Blaise?" I continued, affecting my most understanding voice.

Harry looked a bit uncomfortable. "Um, I'm not sure I should be talking about that with you. I mean, he'd get upset. I'm in enough trouble as it is for talking to you."

Interesting. "Oh, Harry, he's not going to find out. What harm can it do? I won't breathe a word, and I don't expect you've had anyone to talk to recently. I can't imagine your friends are terribly keen to discuss your relationship with Blaise."

Harry gave a small nod. "You're not wrong." He gave me a slightly suspicious look. "Hey, it's not that I don't appreciate your change of attitude, but why are you being so nice to me lately?"

I went up to him. "I told you, I want to make a change. I think it would be a lot nicer if the two of us just forgot about past grievances and tried to get along, that's all. Now, tell me about you and Blaise. After all, who would understand what it's like to be with him better than me?"

"Well... okay. We're kind of going through a rough patch right now. I mean, maybe it's me. I'm not exactly the most sensitive person; I might have done something wrong unintentionally. But... when we first got together he was so sweet. And he was really shy, saying that he'd liked me for ages, but didn't know how to tell me. He was just... great. I thought we could really have something, you know? And now... I don't know. He's always picking fights with me, he wants to know where I am all the time, he gets insanely jealous..."

"That bastard."

"It's like... it's like he doesn't care about anything apart from his looks and being popular. But maybe I'm being unfair. I've probably done something to upset him, that's all."

Harry wasn't being unfair at all - Blaise really doesn't care about anything but his looks and being popular. Oh, and poor Harry. Blaise's shy act is a personal favourite of his. I once heard him boast that it had never failed to get a man into his bed. I wanted to tell Harry this, but I knew it would hurt him and I couldn't bear that. In the end, all I said was, "Harry... Blaise isn't as sensitive as you think, so I really wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. I just think you should be with someone who likes you... just as you are. Enormous fleeces, messy hair, appalling table-manners and all. It's pointless being with someone if all either of you do is try to change the other person. And you don't need changing."

Harry was giving me this look which made me want to throw him down and snog the life out of him, but I resisted. Mostly because I had become so cold that I could no longer feel any of my extremities. Finally, Harry shook himself and gave me a lopsided grin. "Shall we go? You look like you're going to freeze."

I nodded and we made our way out of the Owlery. Cue bird poop.

Oh God, I don't care about the poop! I think Harry might be starting to really like me! And the end is definitely nigh for him and Blaise. Wow, I can't believe a relationship with Harry Potter seemed so impossible at the start of term. Seems like my luck is finally starting to change!

Friday 18^th December.

Dear Diary,

I'm going home tonight. My bags are all packed and I'm waiting with Pansy for the carriages to arrive. I can't say that I'm too sorry to be leaving. The only thing I'll miss is Harry. It wouldn't be too presumptuous to send him a Christmas card, would it?