From the Eyes of the Werewolf

Expecto Patronum

The issue of finding the Marauder's Map was put on hold for a while as Remus tended to the promise he had made Harry. He had decided that the best defense for Harry was the Patronus Charm. It was a very difficult and complex spell to master, but James had mastered it earlier than any of the others, so Remus considered it a good possibility that Harry would inherit some of that talent and be able to master it as well.

Remus himself wasn't all that shabby at the Patronus Charm, either. His class had learned about them in their seventh year and took great delight in looking at the various forms the Patronus took depending on who was conjuring it. When James got a good look at Remus' Patronus, he immediately wondered at why a wolf would be his defender. But it wasn't the form of a wolf...it was a dog.

When Thursday rolled around, Remus went to his office to gather up the boggart. He quickly checked the time and saw that he was running a bit behind schedule. He opened his desk drawer and filled his pockets with the chocolate he had purchased in Hogsmeade before Christmas. Picking up the box, he headed down to the History of Magic classroom where he found Harry waiting patiently for him.

"What's that?" Harry asked, eyeing the box as Remus heaved it onto Professor Binn's desk.

"Another boggart," Remus said, taking off his cloak. "I've been combing the castle ever since Tuesday, and very luckily, I found this one lurking inside Mr. Filch's filing cabinet." So that isn't exactly the truth...but Harry need never know that! "It's the nearest we'll get to a real dementor. The boggart will change into a dementor when he sees you, so we'll be able to practice on him. I can store him in my office when we're not using him; there's a cupboard under my desk he'll like."

"Okay." Remus noted that Harry seemed apprehensive about all this, but if he had any objection to using this particular substitute for a dementor, Harry did not voice it.

"So..." Remus took out his wand and indicated to Harry that he should do the same thing. "The spell I am going to try and teach you is highly advanced magic, Harry - well beyond Ordinary Wizarding Level. It is called the Patronus Charm."

"How does it work?" The nervousness in Harry's voice was quite clear.

"Well, when it works correctly, it conjures up a Patronus, which is kind of an anti-dementor - a guardian that acts as a shield between you and the dementor." Remus watched as Harry scrunched up his face in thought. "The Patronus is a kind of positive force, a projection of the very things that the dementor feeds upon - hope, happiness, the desire to survive - but it cannot feel despair, as real humans can, so the dementors can't hurt it. But I must warn you, Harry, that the charm might be too advanced for you. Many qualified wizards have difficulty with it." Except for James...he was always the one who could...

"What does a Patronus look like?" Harry's question interrupted his train of thought.

Good question. "Each one is unique to the wizard who conjures it."

"And how do you conjure it?"

"With an incantation, which will work only if you are concentrating, with all your might, on a single, very happy memory."

Harry's eyes fell to the floor. Remus waited for him to think of a happy memory, but it took a few seconds. This brought a slight frown to Remus' face as it pained him that it was hard for Harry to think of a happy memory. His parents would have made sure his life was filled with fun times...but Harry hadn't been raised by his parents.

"Right." Harry finally said, having thought of something.

"The incantation is this - " Remus cleared his throat so that Harry would understand the words clearly. "Expecto patronum!"

"Expecto patronum, expecto patronum," Harry repeated.

"Concentrating on your happy memory?" reminded Remus.

"Oh - yeah - expecto patrono - no, patronum - sorry - expecto patronum, expecto patronum - "

A thin wisp of silver whooshed from the end of Harry's wand. It was shapeless and weak, but certainly a good beginning to an actual Patronus. Remus suspected that few of Harry's classmates would have been able to accomplish that much on their first try.

"Did you see that?" Harry shouted. "Something happened!"

"Very good." Like father like son... "Right then - ready to try it on a Dementor?"

"Yes," said a determined Harry. He positioned himself in the center of the room, holding his wand out in front of him defensively.

Remus turned to the packing case and opened it quickly. As predicted, a Dementor rose slowly out of the box towards Harry. One of its bony hands was outstretched. The room went suddenly cold and the light flickered before going out.

"Expecto patronum! Expecto patronum! Expecto -"

Harry's voice quivered and his face went pale. Remus darted forward and caught Harry just as his legs gave out from under him. The boggart took one look at Remus and snapped into the moon. Once Remus had lowered Harry to the floor, he lured the boggart back into the packing case and closed the lid on it. The lights flickered back to life.

He returned to Harry's side and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Harry!" He gave a slight shove and Harry woke up instantly.

"Sorry."

"Are you all right?"

"Yes..." he said as he rose to his feet and leaned against a desk for support.

"Here -" Remus passed Harry a Chocolate Frog. "Eat this before we try again. I didn't expect you to do it your first time; in fact, I would have been astounded if you had."

"It's getting worse." Harry said taking a bite of the Frog. "I could hear her louder this time - and him - Voldemort -"

Voldem...this probably isn't wise. "Harry, if you don't want to continue, I will more than understand -"

"I do! I've got to!" Harry had stuffed the frog completely in his mouth. "What if the dementors turn up at our next match against Ravenclaw? I can't afford to fall off again. If we lose this game we've lost the Quidditch Cup!"

Remus knew that this would be hard on Harry, but he had no idea just what Harry would be going through. He marveled inwardly at the courage Harry had to get through this, despite what he was hearing and reliving. Harry's eyes were wide and full of hope. Remus couldn't refuse him this.

"All right then...you might want to select another memory, a happy memory, I mean, to concentrate on...that one doesn't seem to have been strong enough..." He is certainly determined to do this. "Ready?" Remus asked, one hand on the lid of the packing case.

"Ready."

"Go!" Remus opened the lid to the case. Once again the Dementor charged at Harry. The room was icily cold and dark. Harry's look of determination began to falter under the gaze of the hooded figure before him.

"Expecto patronum! Expecto patronum! Expecto pat-"

Harry held out longer this time, but just like the first time, Harry went pale and sank helplessly into unconsciousness. This time, however, he shook a bit as Remus lowered him to the floor. Harry had obviously been more deeply affected by the Dementor this time. Remus quickly lured a moon shaped boggart back into the case. He went to Harry's side to wake him up, but found it more difficult this time. "Harry? Harry?" No response. Remus placed a hand to Harry face and tapped it a few times. "Harry! Harry...wake up..."

Oh no, if it was worse this time...what if he doesn't wake up?

But he did wake up. It was a slow recovery, but Harry did eventually open his eyes. And then he mumbled something that sent a chill down Remus' spine. "I heard my dad. That's the first time I've ever heard him - he tried to take on Voldemort himself, to give my mum time to run for it...."

It was a piece of information Remus had never known. He had tried to imagine what James and Lily had done in those few final moments of their lives. And here, Harry was reliving it. James had sacrificed his life for Lily's and Harry's. And Harry had actually heard him?

Remus swallowed hard. "You heard James?"

"Yeah...why - you didn't know my dad, did you?"

James...I used his name. Remus mentally kicked himself for giving it away like that. This was a door that Remus was most definitely not ready to open.

"I - I did, as a matter of fact", Remus offered neutrally. "We were friends at Hogwarts." Remus changed the subject. "Listen, Harry - perhaps we should leave it here for tonight. This charm is ridiculously advanced...I shouldn't have suggested putting you through this..."

"NO!" he said standing up. "I'll have one more go! I'm not thinking of happy enough things, that's what it is...Hang on..." Harry fell into thought once more.

Remus marveled at James' son. He certainly had his father's determination. And his mother's focus.

Reluctantly, Remus went back to the box and asked, "Ready?" This is against my better judgment, but how can I deny him the opportunity? "Concentrating hard? All right - go!"

For the third time, the boggart turned into a Dementor and made his way toward Harry. But this time Harry's strength lasted and he held his ground.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

Suddenly, a huge silvery something shot out of Harry's wand and poised itself between him and the Dementor. Harry's Patronus lacked a recognizable form, but was massive and had stopped the Boggart/Dementor's advance most effectively. Astonishing at this age! Remus looked back at Harry who appeared to be just about ready to collapse.

Remus sprang forward, wand drawn. "Riddikulus!" With a loud crack the Dementor shifted into the moon as soon as Remus stepped forward. Harry fell into a chair, exhausted and panting. In another moment, the boggart was locked away in the packing case once more.

"Excellent!" Remus said, walking over to Harry, who looked as if he had just run a lap around the castle. "Excellent Harry! That was definitely a start!"

"Can we have another go? Just one more go?"

How brave you are! "Not now, you've had enough for one night. Here -" He took out the best bit of chocolate Honeydukes had to offer. "Eat the lot, or Madam Pomfrey will be after my blood. Same time next week?"

"Okay."

Remus went from lamp to lamp, extinguishing them carefully as he waited for Harry to recover. He didn't want to leave until he was sure Harry was steady on his feet again. He was certain Harry had been through quite an ordeal tonight...reliving his parents' death couldn't be easy.

"Professor Lupin?" Harry asked, looking at Remus with an odd expression. "If you knew my dad, you must've known Sirius Black as well."

Remus turned with a start. "What gives you that idea?" How does he know about that? He must have said it a bit more sharply than he intended because Harry flinched slightly.

"Nothing - I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts."

"Yes, I knew him," Remus thought heavily about that statement and decided to correct himself. "Or I thought I did. " Not wanting to open the door for a discussion about the topic of Sirius Black, Remus said, "You'd better be off Harry, it's getting late."

Harry left the classroom with his remaining bit of chocolate. Remus watched as he rounded the corner and disappeared from his view. He seems well enough, but really...how well could he be? He had just heard James and Lily...and Voldemort. He heard them die.

Remus ran an unsteady hand through his hair, pushing out of his face. He had dealt with many difficult things in his youth, but he had always had good and loving parents to help him through. Harry had...no one really. Harry had good and loving parents, but they weren't around to help him. And why weren't they around to help him? Because Sirius had betrayed them...he had betrayed them all.

"There is no way to change the past," Remus mumbled to himself. "You of all people should no that."

***

February was just as cold as January and still Sirius hadn't been found. The Daily Prophet tried to update the community, but there wasn't much to tell. No sign of Sirius had been found anywhere and his status as a dangerous criminal was increasing as the days went by. In fact, as Remus read one morning, the Ministry of Magic had decided that Sirius would be given the Dementor's Kiss if ever he were captured, a thought that sent a chill through Remus' body. Spending a life sentence in Azkaban is one thing...losing your soul is quite another. And as much as Remus despised the thought of Sirius running around free currently, he didn't much like the idea of Sirius having his soul taken from him either.

But not everything was a gloomy thought. Remus had been spending a great deal of time with Harry. It was his chance to get to know the boy he should have already known very well. Harry, however, was growing more frustrated by the lessons. Remus knew it was because he hadn't yet conjured a true and stable Patronus, but the mere fact that he could conjure even a slight wisp of a Patronus was a great achievement considering Harry's age.

However, Remus was concerned at Harry's growing interest at what he was hearing when the Dementor approached him. It seemed as if he wanted to hear his parents' suffering. But why would anyone want to hear their parents suff...

Then Remus began to understand. Harry didn't want to hear his parents suffering...he wanted to just hear his parents! Of course! Harry didn't remember their voices. He didn't remember what it was to have them talking to him, about him. This was probably the only chance Harry had ever had to really know his parents' voices. No wonder Harry was having a difficult time fighting off the thing that was providing him with a small bit of something he really wanted.

Now that Remus knew what part of the problem was, he couldn't quite decide what to do about it. Harry certainly didn't feel comfortable talking about this as he had never mentioned it to Remus. So Remus decided he would have to go about this in a casual way. Maybe...invite Harry to stay and chat after one of their lessons. Yes, that was it...and maybe some Butterbeer would set a good and calm mood for the topic.

So, at their lesson that evening, after a talk about how a Patronus should charge down a Dementor, Remus offered Harry something he was positive Harry had never tasted before. He pulled out two bottles from his brief case and -

"Butterbeer!" Harry exclaimed, much to Remus' surprise. "Yeah, I like that stuff!"

Remus cocked an eyebrow at him. When did Harry have Butterbeer?

"Oh - Ron and Hermione brought me some back from Hogsmeade." It was a lie and Remus knew it. But he didn't say anything.

"I see," was all Remus replied. Changing the subject to the upcoming Quidditch match and the whole reason they were spending so much time on this charm, Remus said, " Lets drink to a Gryffindor victory against Ravenclaw! Not that I'm supposed to take sides, as a teacher..."

Remus paused and lifted his glass to Harry. They sipped in an awkward silence for a moment while Remus tried to think of a way to turn the conversation around to the real matter at hand. But Remus wasn't given that change as Harry broke the silence with a very startling question.

"What's under a dementor's hood?"

Remus brought his bottle down and thought for a moment. How could he describe this? "Hmmm...well, the only people who really know are in no condition to tell us. You see, the Dementor only lowers its hood to use its last and worst weapon."

"What's that?"

"They call it a Dementor's Kiss," Remus said with a slight smile. Kiss...how can something so vile be named after something so pleasant? "It's what dementors do to those they wish to destroy utterly. I suppose there must me some kind of mouth under there, because they clamp their jaws upon the mouth of the victim and - suck out his soul."

Harry nearly choked on his Butterbeer. "What - they kill - "

"Oh no, much worse than that. You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you'll have no sense of self any more, no memory, no...anything. There's no chance of recovery. You'll just - exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever - lost."

Remus took a sip of his drink as Harry sat stunned. And then for some reason he said, "It's the fate that awaits Sirius Black. It was in the Daily Prophet this morning. The Ministry have given the dementors permission to perform it if they find him."

Remus and Harry sat quietly for a moment until Harry suddenly blurted out, "He deserves it."

Trying to remain distanced Remus asked, "You think so? Do you really think anyone deserves that?" Because, quite honestly, Remus didn't think anyone...no matter how horrid the crime...deserved that.

"Yes," said Harry defiantly. "For...for some things."

Harry didn't say much after that, nor did Remus. He just finished his Butterbeer with a polite thank you and returned to Gryffindor Tower. But Remus was left thinking about Harry's point. Were there, in fact, some crimes that should be punished with The Kiss? And was what Sirius did one of those crimes? Remus examined the crime from Harry's point of view and came to really understand the pain he must feel towards Sirius. With a heavy heart, Remus disposed of the empty bottles and headed back to his own quarters.