Potters, a History

Chapter 1. Endings and Beginnings

And just like that, without any warning, Lily found herself pressed up against him, tangled up in him, practically melted into James, her best friend. His lips searched hers, his hands felt so warm and so tender on her back... oh how good it felt. But no, she thought, this couldn't be right, this had to be wrong... oh god...

"What about Remus?" she whispered to him, as he kissed her forehead. She didn't know what kind of answer she wanted from him, but what came next wasn't it.

"He said it would be alright." James answered, barely pausing before he gently nuzzled her neck.

"He said WHAT?" Lily whispered fiercely, tearing herself away. "Remus? He said that?"

"Yes." James replied, somewhat resignedly. He adjusted his now-crooked glasses and looked into her bright green eyes. They were alive with fury, pain and... could that be? With longing.

"But if it isn't alright with you..." he continued, looking down at the ground. " I'm sorry, Lily, I just thought... I didn't realize it was so serious between you and Lupin... I didn't even mean for this to happen tonight, it just sort of... well, you were so close and your hair just smelled so good..." He shook his head in disgust. "Listen to me, I sound like an idiot." He looked up at her, sheepishly but contritely. "I thought you might feel the same way, is all."

"Oh James," she said. "I do... I do, but I can't. I won't. I promised him... I told him I loved him." Seeing his surprise, she continued in a rush. "And I do! I love him! But... but James... I love you too, I think. I don't know. I'm very confused right now. I just need to talk to him." Her eyes flashed again, a sudden spark of hurt anger. "He really said it would be alright?"

"Yes. I asked him... I told him how I felt about you, and that it was eating me up inside, and so I asked him if... if I could talk to you about it, to see if you felt the same way." Lily gave him a look that plainly said, James, that was not talking.

"He as much as said that I could have you - said that things could never work out between you." Seeing the look on her face, he knew he had said the wrong thing.

"He... just like that? He said you could have me? As if I was his to just give away..." her voice shook with fury. She felt as though she had just been hit with the Cruciatus curse, right through her heart. And then she understood. "Oh... James... how could we have been so stupid?"

"Wait... what?" He looked at her, bewildered. She did not return his gaze.

"Don't you see... he doesn't think he's worthy of me. He never thinks he deserves anything... not your friendship, not my love... He always seems so grateful that anyone will speak to him, let alone love him. At least, I think that's it. I don't know why he doesn't believe he deserves anyone..."

"It isn't exactly that, Lily." James said gently, finally. He cupped her chin with his hand, stroked her cheek tenderly with his soft fingertips. "I mean, it is that, but it is more than that. I'm not the one who should be answering these questions though... perhaps you should see him."

He got up, stretching his long legs. "I think it was time I got to bed anyway. I'll send him down for you, though?" Lily nodded, puzzled, but thankful that James had understood. "Thanks for your help with that Muggle Studies essay, though." He looked at her meaningfully before adding, "Muggles are a lot more interesting than I had thought." He flashed her his wicked, lopsided grin, and turned to leave.

Lily blushed furiously, even though she was trying not to. Really, she thought. That James... always causing trouble, and yet... as she watched him ascending the stairs into the boys dormitories, she couldn't help but feel a twinge of something, a pang in her stomach. She looked at his hair, the jet-black locks messy as usual. She wondered if she had had anything to do with its current state, then realized she was glad that it wouldn't incriminate her. But she loved his messy hair, loved running her hands through it... wasn't that what had gotten her here in the first place? Too much touching of James. And why had he said that? More interesting than I had thought. Hah. Certainly now wasn't the time to be a flirt... but he had succeeded in lightening the mood, and for that she was glad.

Then her mind turned to Remus, and another thing that James had said. It would never work out between the two of you. Why not? It certainly seemed to be working... she shivered as she thought of the nights they had spent in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room, how tender he had been with her, but how dangerously, deliciously close he always seemed to come to going over the edge and just eating her alive... he always seemed so embarrassed, so guilty afterwards. It was almost as though he felt had been doing something he wasn't sure he should be.

But she had wanted him to, much to her surprise. She had wanted his soft touches, his warm kisses... and more than anything, his quiet companionship, the silent gratitude in his eyes whenever she was near, as though he had somehow been the luckiest person in the world to count her as a friend.

"Lily?" a tentative voice called softly down the staircase, the same stairs that James had just ascended. But it was not James's voice.

"Remus." Lily said, quietly. "Please... come down. I've got to talk to you."

He slipped down the stairs, then came and sat next to her, in front of the slowly dying fire. Before he knew what was happening, he had his arms around her, clasping her tightly, and she was sobbing on his shoulder.

"You've talked to James, I suppose," she said miserably, hoping against hope that he hadn't told him what she had done, what they had been doing.

"Yes." He sighed heavily. "It's alright, Lily, I'm not upset with you. He told me that he had caught you by surprise, that almost as soon as it had started you pulled away and asked about me."

Lily smiled bitterly. This was not entirely true. It had been a good ten minutes of serious snogging before the thought of Remus had even entered her mind, but when it had, she had felt guiltier than she ever could have imagined.

"He was lying, of course, I could tell. He's not a particularly good liar, is he?" She shook her head no, feeling even more ashamed, but he continued. "It's still alright, though. I know... neither of you meant for anything to happen. You don't need to feel guilty."

She started to apologize, but he silenced her with a gentle finger to her lips. "I've been meaning to talk to you anyway, Lily, about us. We can't... we can't keep doing this, the way we have been."

"But... but why?" she whispered, her voice a strangled sob. She tried, and failed, to keep the tears in her eyes from spilling over.

"I could hurt you," he said simply. "And I don't want to do that."

"Hurt me?" she asked, confused. "Oh Remus, that's not a reason... I'm not afraid of what would happen if we were to have a falling out..."

"No, no, not that," he replied, a hint of a smile playing over his face. "I mean, I could really hurt you. I could kill you. And I'm afraid that one day, I might." He saw the puzzled look on her face. "I'm surprised you hadn't figured this out a long time ago, what with you being so smart and all... Lily. I'm a werewolf."

She gasped, but did not recoil. It made sense, in a way... that monthly illness... "Well... so what? I could help you... could look at books or something..."

"Please, Lily. Don't make this harder than it has to be." And she grew silent. "Every month, it becomes more than I can bear... have you ever noticed that the most... er... passionate encounters are right before I fall ill? I need the physical pleasure most right before I turn... I am dangerous to you, Lily, if we are close right before I transform. I have no control over what I do when I become a wolf. Every time, I swear to myself that I will never put you in that danger again... and I try, but I need it so badly, and you seem to want to give it to me..."

"Excuse me?" Lily interrupted, her tone no longer contrite. "You've been using me because you need physical pleasure?"

"No! No. Well, at first." he admitted. "But... it's so much more than that, now. I just... that seemed the best way to explain why I was a danger to you."

She looked up at him, clearly a bit miffed, but she accepted his answer. "I know you care about me, Remus. I'd be a fool if I didn't at least notice that."

"Do you love him, then?" he asked, suddenly changing the subject.

Lily was caught off guard. "Love him? Who?"

"James. Don't be stupid with me, Lily."

"Oh, right... well... I haven't really had enough time to think about it."

"Don't be daft. You've had five whole years and bits of a sixth to think about him. I know you think about him, you must. He's the most popular boy in the house..."

She glared up at him, suddenly angry. "Well, of course I love James, he's been like a brother to me. But if you suggest for one second that I ever had... had... designs on him, then you don't know me at all. I swear to you I never thought of James in that way until his lips were pressed firmly against mine." She held his gaze for a moment, challenging him to doubt her, and then she burst out laughing.

"Okay, you're right. Of course I thought of him. He's handsome, he's a Seeker, he's a Prefect, he has that hair... but I swear to you, this time for real, that not once after you kissed me that first night, did I ever think of him like that." She looked him resolutely in the eye and knew that he believed her.

"I knew that," he said, softly, gently. Then he asked her another question, one to which he already knew the answer. "Would you be happy with him? Tell me the truth now, don't try to spare my feelings. To be honest with you, if I can't have you, the only thing in the world that would make me happy is to know that you were happy, and I don't think you could find a better man than James."

Lily hesitated for a moment, but knew that she owed him the truth. She looked at him, bit her lip and hoped she wasn't breaking his heart. "Yes." she said, softly, "I don't know of anyone I can be with who would make me happier than James."

Remus stood then, turning away to hide the shining tears that had collected in his eyes. He cleared his throat. "Well then. I am happy," he said, and it was the truth, even if it was killing him now. "And tired. I think it is time to go to sleep. Shall I send James down for you?"

"Oh," Lily blushed. "I don't think that will be necessary, no. I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Are you sure? Because I thought I heard him waiting on the stairs." At this, a lean, pale face peeked out from around the corner. "You're horribly noisy, Potter, you should have just asked to have the conversation with us."

"Oh, I couldn't have..." he looked down, embarrassed again. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I just couldn't wait so long to find out if... well, if Lily... never mind." His face turned ten shades of pink.

"It's alright," said Remus, starting up the steps. "But if you could do me a favor," he whispered in James's ear, "could you at least wait until I fall asleep before you..."

James turned another twelve shades, this time of red. "Of course. I really don't think we'll...at least, not tonight..." But his friend was already gone.

Chapter 2. The Mirror of Erised

"Um... 'lo Lily," James said, ambling awkwardly over to the overstuffed chair in which she was sitting.

"'Lo, James," she replied, standing. Tall though she was, James was at least a head taller than she; and she had decided that she liked that. But she felt strange. Even though she knew that she was free to love him now, free to play with that irresistible mussed hair, wrap his tall frame around her and just snog him silly, it felt a bit odd to want to do that now, here, after she had just broken up with one of their best friends. She cleared her throat.

"Um, yeah. I was thinking... if you don't mind a bit of rule breaking..." he started, and she arched one eyebrow as if to say both 'I'm listening' and 'You can't be serious' at the same time. "Well... you see, I found this thing... it's rather interesting, actually... and um, I thought it might, ah, put you at ease."

"At ease?" she said, skeptically. Then she realized he felt just as awkward as she did, and decided to play along. "Hm. Sounds like it's worth a try... where exactly is this 'thing,' then?"

"Down the Potions corridor," he answered slowly, and Lily almost choked.

"Potions? James, you're not after me to try pot, are you?" He looked puzzled, and Lily realized that she was being a prat. Being a pureblooded wizard, James had probably never even heard of the intoxicating plant. "Never mind."

"What? No... it's more like... well, I'll just show you, shall I? Let me just dash upstairs to grab something..." He returned a few moments later with his Invisibility Cloak. She eyed it and couldn't help thinking how useful that could be later in the evening.

Lily clutched his arm as they made their way down the twisting corridors of Hogwarts, safely hidden under James's cloak. "Where did you get this, anyway?" she whispered to him. "I hear they're really expensive."

"Well... my father gave it to me as a present when I got my prefect letter. He said he was really proud of me, but that he knew me well. Actually," he said, with a bit of a twinkle in his eye, "he said that he knew me too well. I can just hear him, too... 'Now, James... prefects are supposed to be paragons of virtue, setting a good example to those under them. And I know you can't keep that act up all the time... so here. Whenever you're in the mood for a bit of fun... just use this so the ickle firsties won't be able to try and follow in your footsteps.'"

Lily smiled. "I see the penchant for a bit of naughtiness runs in your family, then?"

James grinned at her and replied, "Well, you don't think I just made all this up on my own, do you? Ah. Potions corridor... this way." He felt her snuggle closer to him under the cloak, and he began to relax. You see, she doesn't hate you, after all, he thought to himself. Just calm down and you'll be sure to charm the pants off her. Perhaps literally. Just the thought brought a smile to his face, until he realized that she was probably wearing a skirt under her robes. Oh well.

"Here we are," he said, checking quickly to make sure there was absolutely nobody around. "Alohomora," he whispered, pointing his wand at the door of a classroom. "Honestly, I don't even know why they bother putting these Muggle locks on the doors... even a first year could undo them." They slunk quietly into the classroom, shutting the door behind them.

"Okay," James said, suddenly nervous again. "It's the mirror I wanted to show you... I've heard it called Erised. D'you see that inscription 'round it?"

Lily peered around him, and read aloud, "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi... what's that mean? No, wait, don't tell me..." She stared at it, a slight smile playing about her puzzled face. "Not Latin... perhaps something scrambled... ah!"

"What?" James asked, clearly chagrined that she had figured it out in three seconds, while it had taken him closer to three months.

"It's something backwards. Ah... hmm. They're not organized into words properly, are they?... aha. I show not your face but your heart's desire." She looked up at him inquiringly. "Sounds peachy, James... are you trying to spy into my deepest secrets?"

"No, no, not at all. I just thought that maybe... if you looked in the mirror and saw me there... you wouldn't be so nervous. I mean, you'd know you were doing the right thing. Sometimes it helps me realize what it is that I really want... actually," he said shyly, "it's how I decided that I needed to... er... talk to you." She smiled up at him, tucking a lock of her dark auburn hair behind her ear, and he knew that for the first time that evening, he had done something right.

"Well, I'll just take a look then, shall I?" she said, lightheartedly. Deeper down, she was worried. Would he be able to see what she was seeing? And what if - God forbid - she saw Remus? Then she could never... but she decided she had better look.

"You have to stand in front of it properly for it to work," he whispered to her, then paused, apparently sensing her anxiety. "Don't worry, I won't be able to see what you see."

She laughed inwardly, thinking, Oh, James, you know me too well. She cleared her throat and looked up into the glass, and was rather startled at what she saw shimmering before her. She was standing next to James - thank god she was seeing his face - oh but they were so much older! In front of them stood a boy, he must have been... nine? Ten? No older than eleven, she thought, he could barely pass for a first year. And he looks just like James did when I first met him. Same hair, same face... but he has my eyes, imagine that! She was delighted. But what's this? On his forehead? Some kind of scar... odd.

The surface of the mirror sparkled and the image changed. She saw herself, younger again, smiling up at James... the boy was gone now... they held each other tightly, kissed, and then... oh goodness, what was Mirror James doing? She had to avert her eyes.

"James!" she giggled... "James, I see you in the mirror but... oh my. I can't watch, it's a bit embarrassing." She held her hand to her mouth to stifle another giggle, but her eyes twinkled above. "Maybe you better have a look."

He gulped. "I think I better not. Might give me ideas, you know?" He grinned at her, encouraged by what she had apparently been watching. He could only guess at what Lily had seen, but from the scandalized (but pleased) expression on her face, he had some idea.

"James." She said it as though it was an invitation, and he decided he would take it. "There's something I want to show you, too." She undid the silver hooks down the front of her robe, revealing the standard Hogwarts uniform - pleated grey skirt, white blouse and a scarf around her neck in Gryffindor colors. But it looked as though she had outgrown the skirt years ago - it ended about five inches above her knees... and that blouse seemed awfully tight...

She looked at him alluringly, then said (in her most innocent voice), "I've been wondering if the Alohomora charm works on buttons, too?" Before he had the chance to take out his wand, though, she had hers out, and was pointing it at his cloak. "Alohomora!" Sure enough, the hook undid itself. "Expello amiculum!" The cloak slid to the floor. She giggled at him, then pointed her wand at each of his shirt buttons in turn. "Alohomora. Alohomora. Alohomora." And they each came undone. "Now," she said, thoughtfully, "Expello subucula!" His shirt went flying across the room, and he stared at her, his mouth gawping open. "Oh, and one last thing... Expello vitreus!" His glasses flew delicately across the room, landing safely on his robes.

She looked at him reproachfully. "James... I know you do well in Charms class, but I fear you're getting dreadfully behind in their practical application."

"Alright... Accio Lily!" he whispered, and she glided across the room and into his waiting (and now bare) arms. "But can you blame me if I like to do certain things the Muggle way?" He bent his head down to meet hers, and their lips met in a soft, sweet kiss that sent Lily into paroxysms of delight. "Besides," James continued, gazing happily into her eyes, "It's awfully hard to do spells when you've had your breath taken away."

Chapter 3. The Good Friend

On the sixth years' floor of the Gryffindor boys' dormitories, Remus Lupin lay awake, his alert ears struggling to hear any signs of Lily and James below. But what were the chances that they were even in the common room? James had come up quietly and made off with his Invisibility Cloak... he had assumed that he'd wanted it simply for cover, but from the absolute silence below, it seemed that he and Lily had gone elsewhere to talk. Or to do other things, he thought darkly.

Remus had never been the type of person to be jealous, or angry with his friends; indeed, he knew that if it hadn't been for James's kindness, he never would have lasted until the first Christmas holiday. But it seemed unfair, somehow. James had everything. His family was rich, he was handsome, he was athletic, he was smart, he was funny and well liked by almost everyone... and the worst of it was, he was genuinely, absolutely nice about all of it. Many of the other boys at Hogwarts were similarly blessed with looks, money and smarts, but they were all obnoxious prats because of it. Not him, though. Unrelentingly polite, sweet and kind - those were the adjectives you would always choose to describe James Potter. Even though six dozen other, equally positive adjectives would be just as accurate.

He knew it was stupid of him to be jealous. After all, everything he had told Lily was true, and he'd been horribly selfish for putting her in danger just to satisfy his lustful cravings. But who had reminded him of it? James. Of course. After James had accidentally stumbled across him and Lily in front of the Gryffindor fire... he remembered the conversation well.

James had been so upset with him, so furious. "Remus, what were you thinking? You could have killed her! What if you had turned as you were nuzzling her neck, huh? You could have bitten her, turned her into a wolf too! You would have had to watch her suffer through the same thing that you suffer every month... is that what you want? And that isn't even the worst thing that could have happened. You could have attacked her! She could have died." Remus remembered feeling ashamed, so ashamed, as he watched James's chest heaving with frustration, even a little bit of fear - he had never seen him upset like that before. James had been right, of course, he was always right. But Remus had argued anyway.

"I would have told her to leave if I felt close to changing, I'm not that stupid. And besides, do you have any idea what it's like for me, before I have to change? It's like... everyone becomes an object of lust. So many teenagers crammed into one place... it just reeks of hormones, it reeks of sex, and it's all I can do to keep my hands off of the closest person I see. Hell, I almost went after Snape tonight." He spat the name out as though it were a dirty word. "Can you even imagine what that's like?"

James shook his head. "Of course I can't. I'm not saying I can. But that doesn't matter... what matters is, you're putting Lily in the most serious danger. I know" - at this his voice dropped to a whisper - "that it must be horrible to be a werewolf. It's painful, it's frightening. I understand that. But you can't do this to her, no matter what you're suffering through." He stopped, weighing his words carefully. "I know that you care for her, and if you were to hurt her... well, I imagine the pain of that would be even worse."

"Chuh," he had said. Inwardly, he had been floored, James's words had hit home for him. But he couldn't let it go, not just yet, anyway. "Come off it, Potter... you're just jealous."

"Jealous?" His face had reddened, whether more from embarrassment or anger, Remus could not tell. But he had to press it further, tried to make matters worse...

"Yeah. You're jealous because Lily loves me, not you. You've always gotten everything you want, and now here's something that you can't have. Everyone's always liked you best, but Lily picked me. And I suspect that's not the only thing you're jealous of. You're jealous because I get to touch her, to kiss her, and that's something you'd very much like to do. I think you just want to see us apart, so you can go after her yourself."

He had stood there for a moment, as if he'd just had the wind knocked out of him. After a few long minutes of complete silence, he finally spoke. "Is that really what you think?"

"Yes," he had answered, somewhat defiantly.

His voice quavered, not with anger, but with hurt. "Well then, I'm sorry I haven't given you a better account of my friendship. Because that is not what I am after. I want you to be happy, I truly do. I just don't want to see Lily get hurt. She's my friend, too."

He had sighed, heavily, then. Why couldn't James just yell, be upset, want to kick things, want to fight him? Why did he always have to be right? And why, oh why, did he always have to be so sodding nice about it? "Of course," he said quietly. "I know. You're right. I'll break it off with her, I'll tell her that we just can't..."

"You might try telling her the truth, Remus. I think she's quite capable of handling it."

He had looked up at him, stricken. It was one thing to break it off with her, but who knew how she would react if he told her the truth? It would be hard enough to live without ever holding her in his arms again, but it would be much harder - no, impossible! - to live without her friendship.

"Maybe," he had said. They sat in silence for a few minutes, not needing to speak to eachother, not really. He had wanted to apologize so badly, to tell James that he was a truly wonderful friend, but found that he could not. "I'm... I'm really actually glad you caught us. You were right. I'll tell her," was the closest he could come.

He had meant to tell her, really. But here he was, almost a year later, and he had not been able to. Yeah, Gryffindor courage my arse. He couldn't tell her, and so he had let it continue, the torturous cycle of loving her and hating himself for it, of needing her and knowing that he could never truly have her.

It had gotten more serious, which only tormented him all the more. He knew that she loved him; she showed it in more ways than he would have believed possible. But even this couldn't make him happy, because deep down he knew that he never should have let it get this far. He would never, ever be allowed to love her the way any normal man would, the way she deserved.

And it was all because of a stupid animal bite, from when he had been barely old enough to read. It was enough to make even the sweetest of sixteen-year-old boys bitter.

To be fair, James had never nagged, had never spoken to him again about it, but every time he saw them together, he gave him that look that so plainly said, "Please... you know you can't keep doing this."

And then, when even this had not worked, he had come to him with something even more painful. Unwillingly, Remus remembered the night that James had finally admitted to him that he wanted to be with her. If that first night's conversation had been bad, this one had to be a trillion times worse.

"Remus... I've thought a lot about what you said... you know, about me being jealous of you and Lily..."

And he had told him it was okay, even that it would be better that way. It was all easy enough, in his head. You know you can't have her. It will be easier, really, if she's with someone else... you won't have to watch her suffering because of her love for you. She'll be happy, and you'll be able to move on. Secretly, of course, he had hoped she would reject James, would tell him that it she could never be with anyone besides him... but who was he kidding? This was James, nobody ever rejected him. Their names even sounded good together. James and Lily. Lily and James Potter. Lily Potter. He wanted to cry.

At least you know James will be good to her. He will be so good to her, and they will be so happy, and they'll forget all about you... He knew, of course, that this wasn't true. They were both such good people, they would never forget about him. They could never forget their friends. They would always stand up for them, stand up for what was right... and again, Remus thought about how this only made it harder, in a way. He couldn't be mad at them. And yet... he should be allowed to vent his feelings, let loose this anger and pain that had boiled up inside of him. But he couldn't, because he knew that his friends were really the best people he knew, and that he should be happy for them.

But it's not FAIR! She chose ME first! ME! I should be the one she's with right now, I should be touching her creamy skin and kissing her soft lips and running my hands through her hair. It's not FAIR! Why can't I ever have ANYTHING? And before he knew what he was doing, Remus Lupin was howling at the night sky, hot tears streaming down his face, and a misery unlike anything he had known filling his heart.