The Bachelor/et

A: I'm back and I'm ready to RUMBLE!

*Awkward silence*

A: Err, well we have another contestant.

*Audience stares*

A: Well, don't cheer too loud now. So, how's life? Oh wait, wrong question. Don't tell me... I know this! Aha! I told you I would remember!

JP: Yay! I get to come back now!

A: *sigh* James, you're not in this show anymore. You are the *dramatic music* weakest link.

JP: You- You don't like me?!

A: Of course we h-like you! You're... you!

JP: Am I on again?

A: No.

JP: Ah, d-

A: James!

JP: Righty! *leaves*

A: So, back to who's the weakest... I mean contestant! Let's bring out Harry Potter!

HP: Hey dude.

A: Shall we bring out the lucky ladies and gentlemen?

HP: Sweet, dudes and chicks!

*In comes Neville Longbottom (NL), Hermione Granger (HG), Ron Weasley (RW), Ginny Weasley (GW) who's hanging on to Draco Malfoy (DM), Fleur Delacour (FD) , Parvati Patil (PP), Severus Snape (SS), and Pansy Parkingson (PaPa) and OC. Harry walks over to Pansy, past OC*

HP: Dude, are you a cow? *Walks over to SS* Is that gasoline on your hair? Sweet! Anyone got a match?

SS: Hiss.

HP: Duuuude. *Walks by Parvati without noticing and moves onto Fleur* You're like, a Veela, hoh?

FD: One-quarter.

HP: One-quarter? Oh. *walks to Draco* Dude, you're the first dude! How old are you dude? Your hair's, like, white, dude. *Gets to Ginny* You're his boyfriend, aren't you, dudett? *walks to Ron with hand out, they do a unique handshake* Yo man! Wassup?

RW: Wazzap!

HP: Wazzat!

RW: Wakkon!

HP: Wahuh! *moves to Hermione. She's reading a book, as he looks at her, she looks at him angrily for interrupting and opens her mouth...*

*And opens her mouth wider.*

*And wider*

HP: Dude, sorry. *She closes her mouth like a crocodile. He goes to Neville.* Yo, Flipper!

*They slap hands*

HP: noggin? *They hit heads* Sweet.

NL in valley girl voice: Totally.

HP: Wazzup?

NL: Well, like, these people, they, like, invited me as a contestant, like, for this really hott boy, and like, so here I am. So like, is it, like, one of the people here? Like, I was, like, totally into my nails. *He holds out hot pink nails* Aren't they just, like, dahling, dahling?

HP: Totally. Sweet. Hey, whoa, I was sent here to choose a contestant! Dude, you're a contestant? What are you contesting for? Oh well, I totally choose you!

NL: Oooh. Oh my God. Did I just, like, win? Like, awesome!

HP: Sweet.

*They all go offstage*

A: Well, like, I guess it's time to, like, go on! Whoa, am I, like, saying 'like' a little often? Like, I like totally need to stop. Like, hold on!

*A goes offstage. Bangs, clatters, and screams are heard. A comes back in with frizzy, fried hair.*

A, heavily breathing: Okay, I'm back. Next we have Hermione Granger.

*Hermione comes on, heavily engrossed in a book. She keeps walking until stepping right off the edge. Luckily, Draco Malfoy comes to the rescue by running out and catching her. Ginny Weasley comes out in a skimpy night gown*

GW: Draco?

*She is torn apart by what she sees and sinks down you her knees, leaning forward to prop her elbows up. The male (and some female) audience members stands up to see her... minimal cleavage, acne, and patchy white skin, combined with frizzy, barely wavy hair that is cracked and dry. They sigh and sit down. Draco Malfoy sets Hermione down and sees Ginny. He runs back as audience members who stood shake their heads and he goes to reassure his love for her.*

A: And the contestants... *clearly not paying attention as she checks out a guy in the audience.*

*With Ginny and Draco already there, Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, James Potter, Remus Lupin (RL), Professor Vector, Victor Krum, OC, and Fred Weasley(FW)*

*Hermione sits down on the floor of the stage and pulls out parchment, ink, and a quill. She then begins to take notes as she reads. Soon everyone hears snoring from her, but she continues to write notes across the page as she sleeps. A lottery ticket falls out from her pocket. Man in front row (that A had been checking out) pulls out a palm pilot.*

Man: Hermione!

FW: *gasps* George!

Man/George Weasley: Muhahahaha! Hermione, I brought you a book! *pulls a book from thin air*

HG: *wakes up* George, you're the best! *throws arms around him*

*George walks out with Hermione, the book, palm pilot, and lottery ticket*

FW: What just happened?

RW: I thought I got Hermmy Hermit

A: *taking control again* Well it looks like Hermione took notes while sleeping and George Weasley just took the lottery's latest winner, and Hermione took the guy I was checking out.

RL: You mean, *sigh* Hermione took notes while reading, won the lottery and the guy who you were checking out, stole her with a book.

A: Yeah... Well, I think... wait, all you there, go back behind the curtain.

FW: But... George... Hermione... took...

A: MOVE IT! *They go backstage* Now, as I was saying,

Audience: You were?

A: I think the prize should go to... Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom for choosing the oddest person! Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuuuuuuuuuh *to Who Wants to be a Millionaire when they come back from commercials. 1231234-----*

HG and George: *come in* We won!!!!!!!!!!

A: Uh... no, that would be the noncoupleish unrelationshipping Neville and Harry!

NL: Did I, like, totally get 15 points this time?

HP: Dude, I what?

A: WON!!!!!!!!!!!

HP: Dude, I won what?!!!!!!!

A: err, I hadn't thought about that... Hermione's money!!!!!!!!

HP: DUDE!!!

NL: TOTALLY!!!

HG and George: RUN!!!

Audience: STOP THE CAPS!!!!!!!

A: I'm sorry *coughnotreallycough* but this show has ended and I must go!

*chases after the money*

And as our show ends, the only thing heard--other than the loud chatter of the audience and the occasional... okay, the frequent "That sucked!"--is "Mine, my precious! My precious money, mine!" I hope you enjoyed the show ("That sucked, who the bell are you?!") and have a nice day. Farewell, and did I say have a nice day?

*curtain slams shut*