Ephemere

Ephémère

My name is Narcissa, Narcissa Black Malfoy. I am a beautiful woman still in my thirties. I live in a big mansion with a handsome, rich husband, and a son that is the spitting image of his father. I have everything, you would say. I should be happy, but I am not. Mine is an empty, sad, loveless life. When I was still a girl, my mother told me to marry Lucius Malfoy.

"But mother, I don't love him!" I pointed out.

"He's pureblood and he's rich, that's all that matters," was her pearl of wisdom.

I was an obedient, though silly, daughter, and did exactly what I was told. I married that man, and gave him a male heir. I just did what I was expected to do. But at what price ... How was I to know I would not have had any love from that man? Back then, I thought it did not mattered much, but now that sense of void in my life is slowly turning into agony.

Tonight we are hosting a ball, one of those little mundane things my husband likes to do. I am sitting here alone in my room, the room he does not care to share with me, safe from those rare occasions when he remembers what conjugal duties are. On those times, he comes to me. He takes what he wants, then he leaves without a kiss, a caress, a word ... or even a glance. Whenever he lies here with me, I cannot see any passion in his eyes, just animal instinct. His eyes are cold, empty, like if his mind is far away ... with somebody else, perhaps.

I sit here in front of my dressing table, and brush my long, blond, silken hair. I would like to keep them loose, falling over my shoulders like a golden cape, but I can not. "Decent women wear them tied up at balls," my mother used to tell me when I was a young teen rebel. On my bed lies a luxurious, silken dress, a pair of gloves and matching shoes. He chose them personally, because he wants to be sure that his trophy-wife looks just perfect. Oh, he loves so much when people stare at us together, and envy him. Envy his money, his house, and his beautiful wife no one else can have.

***

The hall is full of people, many of whom I hardly know. The orchestra is playing, couples are dancing, and I am standing here in a corner, alone, pretending to sip a cocktail as I watch the dancers. Nobody seems to pay me much attention, they are too busy with their silly gossips. Lucius is on the other side of the hall, chatting with some close friends of his. She is by his side, that cursed Zabini bitch, laughing her empty head off at Lucius's poor jokes. My goodness, she is shamelessly flirting with him right under her husband's nose. Obviously, he is too much interested in his glass of elf-made wine to care to notice. Or maybe he is just another of those sickening pimps, sucking up at more important people, offering everything they have to win their favour, even their wives ... not that Mrs Zabini seems to mind. Luckily, Lucius is the most important one here. I would die the very instant he should ask me to win him somebody's goodwill.

"What does our delicious hostess here all alone?" a silky voice whispers from behind my back. A small smile arches my lips, as soon as I recognize his voice. I slowly turn to welcome my favourite guest, the only one who cares to go looking for me.

"Good evening, Severus. I'm glad you finally came," I say.

"You know I'm not much in these - eh - kind of entertainments. But it would have been really rude from me to refuse your kind invitation," he says, arching a dubious brow at the dancing couples.

"Oh, nothing that can compete with a book, and a glass of firewhiskey in your beloved dungeon, I suppose," I tease him.

"I see you're enjoying yourself just as much as me," he sneers.

"Well, let's say that I'm not liking the show," I lowly whisper.

He knows what I'm talking about. His eyes instantly scan the room in search of Lucius, and his expression hardens.

"I've been knowing Lucius since we were both at school, and I still can't understand why he keeps wasting his time with that Zabini," he hisses, his black eyes narrowing in disgust.

"Some people seem to prefer things anyone can have," I say, trying to sound unconcerned, but failing miserably.

"I count myself among those who love those precious gems few can have, gems that nobody in his right mind should leave standing in a corner ... Come, Narcissa, let me have the honour of a dance!" he says offering me his hand.

His stare is intense, and makes my heart beat faster as only he is able to do. I accept his invitation, and we spin around the dance floor unnoticed. Our eyes are locked into each other, his right hand gently grips mine, as his arm holds me close to his body. The warmth arising from our contact makes me smile, and he smiles back. He never smiles. He does it just when he is with me. My heart beats fast, and I suddenly feel the urge to escape from that place of hypocrisy and betrayal.

"Severus, take me out. Let's have a walk in the garden," I order him, but my words sound more like a pleading.

"Of course. Do you want me to fetch you a cloak? It's rather cold outside," he says, concerned.

"There's no need. I'm used to cold," I quickly say. Oh, if only he could know how cold I feel inside.

I head towards the glass door to the rose garden, and he politely walks at a distance behind me, just in case somebody may pay attention to us by mistake. The place is empty, as no one dares leave the comforts of the house to face the fresh night breeze. This garden is the only part of the house I love, and he is the only one I like to share it with. I personally take care of my roses, and since Draco first left for Hogwarts, my precious flowers have become my only company.

"I see your roses are flourishing. Did you use that growth stimulator I brewed for you?" he says, as he gently cups one of my white little ones in his large hand.

"Yes, it worked very well," I answer, as I move by his side to cup that same rose in my own hand, softly brushing against his own.

"I missed you, Severus. Your visits have become so rare," I whisper, and I feel forming tears stinging my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Narcissa, but I couldn't help it. The Dark Lord is calling me to his service with increasing regularity. You know that nothing else would keep me away from you," he says. He picks up a white rose and hands it to me. I tenderly pick it, and his hand rises to cup my face in his warm palm.

"Neither Lucius?" I inquire, leaning into his touch.

"Neither Lucius," he whispers back.

His other hand moves behind my back, and he drags me closer ho him. My hands rest a second on his heart, to move on up to his face, to finally plunge into his black mane. His lips brush softly mine, without any hurry. We are not scared to be seen, as we stay there hidden in our green alcove. My mouth parts to invite him to deepen the kiss, and he dutifully satisfies my request. Our tongue dance together in the rhythm of our passion, and I feel like I am going to melt in his arms. Nothing else matters in this moment. The world may fall, and I would not care as long as I still have him with me. The burning desire I read in his ebony abysses matches mine, and the swirl of sensations racing up and down my spine is so strong that it nearly hurts. I have to break the kiss.

"Are you going to stay here for the night?" I ask him. I keep my breath during those agonizing seconds that take him to answer, staring, and hopping, and praying to hear a yes from his lips.

"I haven't planned to. But how can I refuse to, when it's you to ask it?" he softly whispers, as he gives me another of his rare, sweet smiles.

"Then leave your door unlocked when you go to sleep," I happily instruct him, before briefly kissing his lips, and rushing back across the gardens to the hall.

"Be careful," he shouts after me.

My heart feels light like a feather, and my body is full of a new strength. Tonight it will be our night. Tonight I will be his, and he will be mine. Even if it's only for a night, the very memory of it will be enough to keep me alive until our next encounter.

***

The party is finally over, and the guests are all gone or up in their rooms. It is late, and everyone will be yet asleep. Good, it is the perfect time for me to act. I get off my bed, and put on my dressing gown. I silently slip into the empty corridor, ears tensed for every sound around me. Before I can safely reach my destination, I linger outside my husband's bedroom door. No wonder he did not come to me tonight. He is too busy with our dear Mrs Zabini. Merlin, it is so plain she is faking it! What an idiot, I am sure he has not realized it. Why should he even notice? He probably believes himself the greatest of lovers, and after all ... he never took noticed of all the times I did the same. I do not care, there is a passionate man waiting for me, the rest does not matter. I walk along another long, empty corridor until I reach his room. I put my hand on the door handle, and gently turn it. It is open, as I instructed him.

"Severus," I whisper as soon as I see his face illuminated by the light of a candle on his bedside table.

"Come to me, my precious," he fondly whispers, making me room beside him under the covers.

His hand reaches out to caress my face. I grab his hand and kiss it. He drags me close to him, and I melt in his embrace. We start to kiss passionately, hardly remembering to breath. It has been so much time since we last have been together. I can read his desire in his deep, black eyes, that fire of passion that is so absent in my life. His lips leave mine to explore my face, my neck, every other portion of exposed skin. I run my fingers in his hair, as my heart increases its rhythm and my desire grows. Our hands caress and explore the other's body, and our now useless clothes are discarded on the floor. Our bodies melt, and begin to move together on the rhythm paced by our heart beats.

He makes love to me, he really gives himself to me. And I completely loose myself in him. Every kiss, every touch, every breath arises in me sensations so strong that I think I could even die in this bliss. Making love to him feels so different from doing it with Lucius. When I stare in Severus's eyes I see passion, desire, want. He makes me feel something more than a simple women, I feel like a deity adored by her most faithful worshipper. When our body finally find their release, it is like a rain of fire washes over us. I hardly restrain myself from screaming of joy, as my body starts to feel alive once again. But that is a sensation that is not going to last long, because the dreadful moment of my departure draws near with every gratified breath we take. I reluctantly slip out of bed, and get dressed. I must leave, before anyone can notice my absence. I bend down, give him a last kiss on his lips, and his hand warmly caresses my cheek. I turn towards the door.

"Narcissa, please, come away with me," he pleads me, as he always does.

"You already know my answer," I tell him without turning.

"I love you, Narcissa," he says, resigned.

"I love you too, Severus," I tell him over my shoulder, finally finding the courage to give him a last glance, before leaving the room.

I am back in my room. I have not met anyone on the way. Everything has gone as smoothly as always. I lie down, but I cannot sleep. The sweet memory of my encounter with Severus is not working as a lullaby to me like it used to. My head is spinning, and my chest is heavy with remorse. I do not regret what I have just done, no, I will do it again every single day of my life. The painful emptiness that I call my daily life has reached such depths, that I can no longer bear it. I have enough of all this, of all these lies, and silences, and coldness around me. I am tired of my helplessness before my own ephemeral existence.

Once again Severus has asked me to go away with him, and once again I have said not. It is not like I do not love him enough, on the contrary, I love him like I have never loved anyone before. It is my love for him that prevents me to make him run some terrible risks. If I am to leave Lucius for him, he would chase us on top of the world. He would not do that out of love, no, just for his selfish pride. Because I am his, and he would not forgive anyone for stealing something that belongs to him. There is only one way out of this nightmare, the only solution that will not put in danger the one I love so much.

I get out bed, and head for the door, without even bothering to put on my dressing gown. Cold does not scares me now, soon I will not feel it anymore. I go down the stairs to the ground floor. I whisper the password that opens Lucius's study, and enter in. He would kill me just for profaning his dear sanctuary, but the thing I am looking for is here. It is in a drawer of his desk. I open each of them and search inside, but I cannot find it yet, so I try a last one. It is locked, so I use a paper knife to force it. Yes, here I find the little bottle I wanted. I overheard Lucius tell Avery, that this one is quick and leaves no trace behind ... just what I need.

I furtively exit the room, careful to check the corridor, before heading back upstairs. It is true that I am the house mistress, but it would be still suspicious if I was to be seen wandering alone in the dark. Before going to my room, there is a person I have to see. I enter his room, and move to the bed in the corner. Draco is sound asleep, his features peacefully relaxed. I love to watch him sleep, I always did. When he sleeps, he looks like my precious angel. It is also the moment when he least looks like his father.

I cannot help caressing his silky hair, so much like his father's, but like mine as well. I bend down, and give him the softest of a mother's kiss on his cheek, but I am not a mother. No, I have tried, Merlin knows if I have tried, but I do not deserve to call myself a mother. I love Draco, well, at least in my own way. But I have never been able to properly show him my love. Sometimes he feels more like a stranger to me. His father has always made sure that I could not spoil his only heir with my silly motherly attentions.

"Sleep tight, my sweet angel. Mum loves you," I wisher, softly enough to not wake him.

Here I am back in my room. The weight I've been feeling on my chest is somehow lighter, now that I hold the key to all my troubles, and I have given a last kiss to the men I love. I move to my bed, and lie down in the middle of it on the covers. I reach out for the white rose Severus has picked up for me in the garden this evening. I smell it deeply, like wanting to impress its delicate perfume in my soul. I take off the stopper of the little bottle, and bring it to my lips. I drain its content and wait. A terrible fit of pain spreads throughout my body, and I feel like dying ... I am dying. I start to loose sensibility to my legs, as a shiver-less cold begins to take over me. Pain and cold, cold and pain, my constant company. But this is the last time in my life I have to endure them. Tonight for the first time I feel happy, happy that there will be no tomorrow for me. I grip my beloved rose in my hand, over my heart. I close my eyes, and I welcome Lady Death, as a serene smile arches my lips.

The End