Control

Once I thought I had my whole life planned out before me.

I, Pansy Parkinson, was going to pass my O.W.L.s, be made a prefect for Slytherin house, then do N.E.W.T.s in Potions, Transfiguration and Charms. My father wanted me to add History of Magic to that list, but I told him I'd rather do Muggle Studies than that, and he didn't pursue the issue further. The summer after leaving Hogwarts I was to marry Mr. Draco Malfoy, and we would live together on the Malfoy estate.

But I wasn't going to be a passive little trophy wife like Narcissa; no, I intended to work in Flourish & Blotts on Diagon Alley. I'd thought about the shops in Knockturn Alley, but to be frank, I wouldn't want to spend too much time with some of the people there. I mean, we're on the same side, but that doesn't mean I want to mix with them. My parents weren't very happy about the idea of their daughter 'going into trade', and neither, I suspected, would Draco and his parents approve. Still, I was sure I could make them see that it'd be good for me to have a hobby, and besides, a job in a book shop would be innocuous enough to keep me safe if the Dark Lord's plans don't work out.

When Draco and I became a couple in our fourth year, I thought it was all coming together. Perhaps he wasn't as romantic as I had hoped, but he always gave me special treatment, and it really helped my profile in the house. Before every Quidditch match he'd let me listen while the team strategised. I've never been a huge fan of the game - too rough - but it was an honour no-one else got. Draco always used to go on about Potter and how the team had to beat him, even if the match that day was against Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw. He'd stand there working out exactly what margin Slytherin needed to win by, arguing with Chris about who should be put out of action. Despite the older boy being captain, Draco always ended up deciding tactics. I was so proud of him.

I think that I was a respite for Draco, providing some relief from the company of those two thugs his father made him keep around. With me he could have a proper conversation, perhaps about how stupid the Ministry was or who he thought would replace Dumbledore. Much of the rest of the time he'd work, though subtly enough that few of the house really knew quite how academic he was. He only considered Blaise sharp enough to work with him, and many nights I'd go to bed without even getting to say goodnight. The two of them would sit, heads together, pouring over some arcane grimoire, entirely impervious to the outside world. I understood that he wanted someone to work with, but that didn't stop the jealousy.

In hindsight, of course, I was an idiot not to see it. I knew Draco was frustrated and, to be honest, surprised by my wish to stay chaste before marriage, but I thought he'd understand. After all, he was going to get it eventually. But no, half way through the fifth year he decided that he needed more, and he broke up with me. Bastard. There went my plan, and I don't like losing control.

I thought he'd start slutting around very publicly, sleeping with half the house, but that never seemed to happen. A lot of people still thought we were together, and he didn't make much effort to inform them otherwise. He didn't want his father to know, I'm sure of that much. It was pretty common knowledge that Lucius had planned for us to marry since we were little more than babies, and Draco wasn't enough of an idiot to go so clearly against his father's plans. I just waited. He'd come back to me eventually.

I desperately wanted to find out who he was with, but I couldn't. As a prefect I had my own room, so I couldn't tell if anyone was sneaking out of their beds at night. In the mornings I'd look to see who seemed tired and flushed, but that didn't help. Even if I had seen someone looking suspicious, how would I know it was Draco they were sleeping with, not someone else? There was no-one he looked at more than usual - nothing changed. He glared at Potter and worked with Blaise just as he'd ever done.

I had to admit defeat and wait for the answer to come to me. I'm still waiting.

Twelve months later and as sixth years we talk maturely, as friends. What he says worries me, although I can't show it. Some of the next generation of Death Eaters have already received the Dark Mark - three boys and a girl who had been two years above us and have now left Hogwarts. My father tells me that the Dark Lord isn't impressed by anyone in the seventh year, so that means Draco, Crabbe and Goyle will be next.

A lot of the house thought he'd get the Mark early, being the son of Lucius and all. His vendetta against Potter seemed so promising, and he's even been to some of the Death Eaters' meetings. But we talk, and no matter how much he tries to keep up appearances, I can hear the doubt in his voice. He knows how strong Hogwarts is, knows that whatever he says about Dumbledore, the man's still a powerful wizard. Most of all, every day he sees how zealous Potter is. We all know it; the question is what decision will we make?

I will follow my family, naturally, and that means siding with the Dark Lord. Of course, I am sure that he will win, but if he doesn't I shouldn't get punished by the Ministry of Magic too harshly. After all, I wouldn't actually be responsible for anything, and I could always tell them that my husband forced me into it. Degrading, perhaps, but it'd keep me alive.

Very few women become Death Eaters - only the strongest and most aggressive of witches get called to him. It was always clear that I wasn't capable enough in combat magic, and so my contribution would be as a wife to prominent Death Eater, namely Draco. I would get the status and the lifestyle I deserve, without too much danger. Bravery and loyalty are for fools.

But now I'm not certain Draco will even become a Death Eater, and surely if he were going to reach the Inner Circle like his father, he'd have got the Mark by now. I suspect he's been putting the process off, waiting to see if the Dark Lord will be weakened or not. No-one wants to join the losing side, and it's uncertain enough now that I can't say which side that'd be. If he becomes a Death Eater but Voldemort dies, then he wouldn't even reach Azkaban before getting the Kiss, and as the Malfoy heir he doesn't want to risk that.

If I were in his position, I would probably do much the same, but that isn't the point. I need to marry a Death Eater, and I am almost certain to marry him. He is reticent, and so I must find a way to force him. If the Dark Lord loses, Draco will almost certainly die, which is a shame, but I think the role of mistress of Malfoy Manor, widowed so tragically young, is one that I would play to perfection. Of course, if we win, then my status is assured and there'd be no problems.

I can't make him join myself. Draco listens to no-one here and takes no advice. However, he has to respect his father. I'm thinking that Lucius really ought to know of his son's unwillingness to join the Death Eaters. That it was me who'd done the telling, Draco is of course not allowed to find out. I can find a way somehow, and win Lucius' appreciation. That would certainly secure my future.

I am getting my life back on track and I will suffer no obstruction.