Rain

Rain

Rain fell...

But I'm used to rain. Do you remember the time...

...it called off play

We ran for shelter...

...in the changing rooms, glad that it was only a practise not a match, or we would have had to continue? James was fair, he let us off during the thunder and lightning. You got drenched, remember, trying to bring in the Snitch with Jack? Lily and Ellen and I stood in the doorway of the changing rooms, unable to believe how mad you were. James shook his head and he and Peter didn't even stay; they went in...

...Laughing at the stormy weather.

You caught the Snitch after ten or fifteen minutes. You, not Jack, our Seeker. It amused me, I remember. I remember that day in the rain as we staggered back, drenched, to the dorms. You had been singing, challenging the thunder with your voice. Lily had taken us to a rugby game the weekend before, and you had picked up the songs, and you loved the way the chants and hymns sounded in your deep, resonant voice. I remember that, because I thought that it sounded beautiful, too. Did I ever tell you how much I loved to hear you sing?

I am at Hogwarts. Snape still brews my Wolfsbane and Albus has allowed me back to stay, although not to teach. It's funny to be in these halls and corridors without you. Without James and Lily and Peter and Ellen... It's strange that only Severus and Jack of our generation are there. Jack teaches DADA, you know. I thought that might surprise you. Harry's Quidditch team had to call off their practise yesterday because of a thunderstorm and, when he saw them trooping in and up to the tower, as drenched as we were on that occasion,

Jack sang Bread of Heaven

And I thought of you

I had to choke back my tears. It's the little things that hurt so much. Little things like that memory. Just when I think I might have adjusted, like I might be able to pick up my life and continue, bare and empty without you, but continue all the same, someone says something, or does something which reminds me of you and I fall apart all over again.

I remember our hopes and dreams. Our plans and ambitions. It all seemed so within reach, those first few years out of school. Now I can't touch you, can't reach you and it all has come to nothing.

One sweet day finally we'll trace each other,

Shine a light together,

Til that day I hear you, though you're faraway...

Is that too much to ask? I love you. All I want is to be with you. All I've ever wanted is to be with you. I thought it was a modest little hope. I didn't want fame or riches. I had even resigned myself to being an outcast in society. It didn't matter, as long as I had you.

Albus has been wonderful. He knows that I am lost, and he has tried to make me feel useful. I can't get a job because no one will hire a werewolf. Umbridge's legislation prevents that. But with the Order, Albus gives me a purpose. Severus is still his spiteful self, but he is loyal to us. And Jack of course is involved, disorganised as he is. I thank them with all my heart for all the hundreds of little things they have done, even Severus, though he would never admit it.

I wish I could explain to them that I do appreciate it, but that they cannot give me my life back, as they cannot restore yours. There is only one thing I want to do with my life.

I'll walk the earth to find you,

And wrap my arms around you,

And sing the sweetest songs for you.

But I can't find you because you aren't there.

Do you remember when Harry was born? James and Lily were so happy and you were named godfather. I wasn't jealous of their happiness because I was happy too. I knew that you loved me and that even if I couldn't find a job, that we would be together. Do you remember what you said to me that day?

In all good time we'll come across a mountain haven,

Build a house and home and settle,

Plant some crops and pray they'll grow for me and you...

It was a beautiful, tangible dream, my love. We should have been allowed to try. Your dream for us, your lovely, lovely, achievable dream, is one of the things that helps me through my life. I remember that you wanted to spend your life with me. Sometimes, I imagine what it would have been like.

Who's to say we might wander in the trees

And shimmer under canopies of autumn's

Rich kaleidoscopes of gold and ruby...

Gryffindor colours. We would have fit so nicely into nature. Content. I would have been so content. So unbelievably happy. Such a modest dream. All I wanted was the chance to be with you.

I'll walk the earth to find you

And wrap my arms around you

And since the sweetest songs for you.

But I don't know where to start looking.

I remember those twelve years when I thought that you had betrayed Lily and James. And before that you didn't trust me, you thought that I was the spy. Why did we find it so difficult to trust each other without question?

When I think of times like that rainy day, I find it difficult to comprehend what we have lost. I remember watching you swoop, buffeted by the rain, determined to catch that tiny golden ball. Would you be flattered to know that I use that as my happy memory when casting a Patronus? Or would you laugh at me? All those happy memories I could have: Lily and James's wedding; Harry's christening; the first time you and I slept together; finding out that you were innocent; the first time you told me you loved me; when you found out I was a werewolf and pulled me into your arms and kissed my cheek, even though we were boys and thirteen years old. All these wonderful days, but the one that sticks out in my memory is that thundery day when Quidditch was called off. Do you know why? Because it was so perfectly ordinary. I didn't think that stormy day was anything special, at the time.

And as for stormy weather

We'll be so good together

I've got to find my way to you

When I heard Jack singing under his breath, watching Harry's team, I knew that he remembered it too. I suspect to him it's just a memory, like so many others, of our happy schooldays together.

Our happy schooldays. To think we held the world in the palm of our hands. There was nothing we couldn't do. Nothing you couldn't do, and yet you still chose to be with me.

Here and now, the rain's still falling steadily,

The damp is crawling up to me and

Jack's singing all your favourite melodies...

...and I don't think he means to hurt me so much. I don't even think it's conscious. I have to get out of here; I have to shut myself into my rooms with my tears and my memories.

Just after your... your leaving...all I could think of was that you were gone. That I would never again see your teasing half-smile. That you would never wink lazily at me across the room. That you would never touch my leg gently under the dining table when we had guests, just to reassure me that, whoever you were flirting with, that it was me you wanted really. That you could never appear unannounced on my doorstep or in my fireplace and grin and call me Moony.

There is no one left alive who calls me Moony. Only in my dreams do I hear it.

Only in my dreams can I find you.

Soon enough I fall into an easy sleep.

Now no-one move and no-one speak:

Let the moonlight carry me from here to you...

But when I wake I am alone.

Just after your leaving, all I knew was pain. Would it hurt you to know that my life continues now? Would you be proud of me for pulling my life back together?

I still ache for you. There is a hole where my heart used to beat, but my body lives without it, tries to move on without it. Now my memories are happy memories. I still collapse in tears when some flood of recollection overwhelms me like it did when I heard Jack sing, but this seems to be less and less often. Perhaps the memories are so firmly imbedded in me, visited so often with a smile, that they no longer cause so much pain.

I'm confused, my love.

I don't want to stop hurting. I feel that is betraying you. I fear a day in which I don't think of you. But I know that you would want me to keep my head up, to keep fighting against those who ripped me from you, to give myself something to live for. And yet, I still need you. I need you now, more than ever. Just call me and...

I'll walk the earth to find you,

Wrap my arms around you

And sing the sweetest songs for you...

I'm not ready to say goodbye. I love you.

And as for stormy weather

We'll be so good together

I've got to find a way to you.

The rain is drenching the windows as my tears drench my cheeks. I have memories, Sirius, but I don't have you. I can't find you. Wherever I go, wherever I look, you aren't there.

It's raining in my heart.