Harry Potter and the Pink Elephant

Pink Elephants--Explanations

Girl parts, Harry decided, were very different from boy parts.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "And just what brought on this observation, Mr. Potter?" she asked, tartly, from across the library table.

Harry realized, with an ever growing sense of horror that he had spoken aloud. He looked to his right to see Ron grinning broadly at him.

Curses.

"Er, well, that is..." Harry stumbled, trying to save the situation. "Neville's been having dreams," he offered lamely, sending a silent apology to Neville for putting this on him.

"Neville's been having dreams?" Hermione asked skeptically, looking at Harry.

"Yeah, you know," Ron said, leaning forward, his grin impossibly wide. "Boy dreams," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

Hermione recoiled slightly. "I don't think I want to know--"

"Pink elephants!" Harry unexpectedly shouted.

Hermione looked at him, confused. "What?"

Ron, damn him, continued to grin.

Harry was sure his face was a red it could possibly be. "Uh, he told me about one...once. A long time ago. There were pink elephants. Well, just one, actually." Harry suddenly felt compelled to share the dream with her. If anyone could help, it would be Hermione, right? Harry paused to try to sort out the images in his brain and remove himself from the picture. "See, Neville was in class and this pink elephant came dancing in. As in, dancing," Harry tried to screw up his face like he was thinking about the details. "I think it was the waltz. Anyway, it was a miniature elephant, and it was dancing and the professor said to get rid of it. But then yo--er, this girl said that she would get rid of it. But when it walked down the aisle, it kept getting bigger and bigger, and this other guy was looking at it, and Neville's friend ("What friend?" Ron muttered and Hermione shot him a Look) said pink elephants happened to everybody. Then the girl told m--uh, Neville that she was doing this for him, and then she kissed the elephant and it went away," he finished in a rush. He looked earnestly at Hermione, hoping she had some sort of answer.

Silence reigned for a few moments. Hermione had a curiously neutral look on her face, while Ron's eyes were practically completely bugged out of his head.

"Pink elephants?" Ron exploded ("Quiet!" warned Madam Pince). "What the bloody hell are you--"

"Harry, I think Neville had a penis dream," Hermione interrupted.

Ron choked and started coughing violently.

Harry felt all the blood drain from his face. "I'm sorry?" he said weakly.

Hermione had a faintly surprised look on her face, but took a deep breath and seemed to steel herself for...something. "Well, obviously I don't think much of Divination, but I don't think that this was some sort of warning. And even though a lot of Freud's theories have been discounted in the Muggle world, I think it's pretty obvious that this dream involves the penis and sex..."

Harry decided that he must be in some alternate reality, as he half-listened to her lecture, because surely, SURELY, Hermione would not say the words penis or sex with such disturbing consistency, or really, even, at all. This was obviously some strange world, or perhaps even another dream, because she just penis again. In fact, she was saying it with alarming regularity. About every fourth or fifth word, it seemed. Blah, blah, blah, PENIS, blah, blah, blah, SEX. And she wouldn't stop, no, she wouldn't, she just kept on saying it and Ron was coughing and Harry was sure he was going to break something if he kept that up and oh, look, she just said it again, penis, and Ron was still coughing and people were looking at them, and Harry wondered where all his blood went because it surely wasn't in his head and my God, did she just say vagina?

And suddenly, as her words filtered down into his brain, things began to fall horrifyingly, terrifyingly into place. Because as usual, Hermione was right, and Harry wondered how he could be so stupid.

A pink elephant, a bloody EXPANDING pink elephant, it came up to his waist and it got bigger, Ron said they happen to everyone and it was faintly disturbing that this happened in Potions and Snape saw it, wasn't it, and Ron laughing and Malfoy looking at it and did this mean he was gay or did it mean Malfoy was or both, but there was that thing with Hermione and wasn't going to think about that, but he decided he wasn't because the elephant was going down the aisle toward Hermione and Malfoy seemed more like a "You've got a hole and I'll plug it" sort of guy, so he probably didn't care one way or the other, and oh God, Hermione said she would solve the problem and the elephant came to her and am I glad I didn't tell her about that trumpet blast thing because who knows what that meant, oh wait, I do, and she said she loved me, and she said she loved me, and the she kissed the head of the elephant, she kissed the damn head of the damn expanding pink elephant, and it popped and that was my pink elephant and her aisle and I shouldn't be thinking about my best friend this way, and Hermione really is a girl and she said she loved me and why won't she STOP SAYING PENIS?

Harry did the only thing he could under the circumstances.

"Meep," he whimpered.

Hermione stopped talking (oh, thank the gods above, he thought) and stared at him. "What?" She looked at him more closely, her brow furrowing. "Harry, are you alright? You're all red. Are you sick?" She got up and came around the table.

Harry watched her with wide eyes. He was dimly aware that Ron was no longer there. He must have gone to get some water or something and Harry was glad because that meant it was just Hermione he had to lie to. Just Hermione and him.

And suddenly she was there, pressing into the side of him, leaning over and putting a hand on his head and he had no idea girls were so soft. Or maybe it was just Hermione. He was pretty sure that her breast was pressing into his arm and that was soft, and her hand on his forehead was soft, and God, when she turned his face towards hers, even her eyes were soft.

"Are you alright, Harry?" she repeated quietly.

It was too much. This was Hermione, his best friend, not just some girl, and Ron liked her for God's sake, so what kind of friend was he to both of them when he was thinking about how soft she was? That stupid elephant and that stupid representation of the male libido and that stupid-

"Penis," Harry mumbled.

Hermione drew back. "What did you say?" she asked, reddening slightly.

"Er, nothing," Harry said quickly, standing up and stuffing books into his bag. "Listen, I've got to go because of Quidditch...stuff."

"But Harry," Hermione protested, "what about studying? We've got to prepare for the O.W.L.s!"

"I'll study for them later, I promise, but I really need to take care of this. I can't believe I forgot about it, really." He finished packing, took a deep breath and managed to meet her eyes. "Tell Ron I'm sorry for abandoning him."

Hermione quirked an eyebrow. "Abandoning? Thanks for the compliment."

Harry shook his head, smiling. "Not you. The library. I think it gives him hives."

They grinned at each other for a moment, before Harry jerked his head toward the door. "I gotta go."

And with that, he turned and got the hell away from pink elephants, lectures on Freud, girl parts, the word penis and Hermione.