Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 11: COME WHAT MAY

March 1^st 6:00 pm

I stood inside the Quidditch locker rooms and waited. The game had been a nightmare, mostly because neither one of us had the heart to find the snitch. In the end you caught it and I suppose I let you. Let you be the great Harry Potter that all the people cheer for yet don't care about what really happens to you so long as they have their hero. Everyone has left the locker rooms except for you and I. Just as you want to see me write, I long to see you in these moments. After all the cheers have faded, after all your "friends" have given you pats on the back, after the madness dies down and all that is left is you and me. I slide along the cool tile, discarding my robes as I walk. I can hear the water running and I know you are once again trying to wash it all away. I think that you would stand under the showerhead for hours if

I did not come to claim you. The high of Quidditch fading as the water flows down your back, the reality of life sinking back into your pores. You try in vain to wash your life away, the pain, the failure, the hero you hate so much. The dirt and sweat mingle into all the imaginary stains that cover your body and soul. They swirl together, tracing paths down your body like my fingertips. Drop after drop, stream after stream they fall and pour into the drain, taking with them all the dirt that mars your soul, all the pain that lives in your heart. You need this ritual as much as I need to make it stop. I cross the distance and take you under the rushing water. Pressed against the cool tile, my touch erases it all. The steam rises and fills in around us, hiding us from sight, taking us from the world. Inside out I take the darkness away. The water can only cleanse the outside of your body; I can remove the dirt that lives in your very soul. In those moments you are the broken piece of this puzzle and I am the one that can fit you back together again. Piece by piece, thrust by thrust, I make you whole. I see you at your weakness, as the Harry no one else can see. You scream my name and the rush of water muffles the sound. The scream dies against the tile wall as the your pain dies inside your heart. I am the name you scream. I am the body you feel drive into you. I am the thing that takes it all away. I am the tainted touch that makes you pure once again.

March 1^st 7:30 pm

One moment I was inside you, laughing with you, running up the stairs to fall down upon the bed and the next moment my whole world had shattered. As I threw open the door I saw it lying there. Placed so neatly on my bed, the black envelope gleamed in the pale light, mocking my happiness and me. I let my guard down, dared to believe that nothing bad could happen now that I had you. When you forget the truth, forget what could happen, what you have to lose, it makes remembering so much more painful. All this time I was with you I had forgotten about home, forgotten about the monster that lived there. Now it all came rushing back to me with such force I closed my eyes to block out the pounding in my head. Your voice brought me back to the present and I turned towards you.

"Draco? Are you okay?"

I turned back towards the bed and picked up the black envelope.

"You know what this is don't you, Harry?"

Your face seemed to dawn in realization and your eyes told me that you have witnessed many people receiving a black envelope. I also see in your eyes the same thought that I had, that nothing could harm us because we were together. It seemed you had forgotten reality as well and the pain of remembering now was etched on your face.

"Are you going to open it, Draco? I can leave if you want to read it alone."

"I do not need to read it, Potter," I spit your last name out like a poison. A poison that I was trying to rid my body of, one that had seeped into my soul and made me forget just who I was.

"Draco, why are you looking at me like that? I know you are going to be upset, but please don't take it out on me I just want to help you. Let me know what I can do."

"Do, Potter? You want to know what you can do? You can leave me the fuck alone that is what you can do! Go away, get out! This is all your fault!" Why was I screaming at you? I wasn't mad at you, but yet I was blaming you. What ever had taken hold of my sanity broke, and I kept screaming things at you. It was blind rage and I lashed out.

"Draco, what the fuck are you talking about? Why are you yelling at me? How can this be my fault?"

"Because Potter I was fucking you while my mom was being beaten to death," I screamed.

I watched your face flush with anger and then your tried to relax, trying to remain calm in the fury of my storm.

"Draco, how do you know that letter is about your mother?" you said calmly.

"I just do," I said as I threw the letter at him. "Read it yourself if you don't believe me." The letter fell at your feet and you picked it up.

"I don't need to read it, Draco. I believe you."

"Good, now believe me when I say that I want you to get the fuck out!"

"Don't say that, Draco. That isn't you talking, that is just the pain."

"This is me talking, Potter! For the first time in months, I am Draco. All this time I had forgotten just who I was, where I had come from. You made me believe in this happiness and while I was with you my mother was paying the ultimate price! I should have been there! I should have stopped him, but no I was too busy fucking you to care about anything. I was caught up in the great Harry Potter, in the fact that he wanted me and that he believed he loved me! She was the only one that loved me, Potter. Now she is gone all because of you. All because I was to busy with you to save her."

"You are not really mad at me, you are mad at him. He did this, Draco. You know he did! Blame me if you need to, but you know he is the reason your mother is dead."

"Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to listen to you anymore. If you won't leave then I will!" I ran past, knocking you to the ground as I went by. I ran through the castle and out into the cold dark night. I kept running, my feet hitting the ground as I imaged each hit my mother took until she finally gave up. Did she even fight back? Did she scream for him to stop? You were right. It was my father I hated, but I was too much of a coward to face him so I took it out on you. I kept on running I had to get away from the pain, away from the angry words I had shouted, away from my own failure. I ran until my legs gave out and I collapsed on the hard ground. I wanted to die, to give up my life for hers. I wanted to crawl back into my room and into your arms and say I was sorry. I wanted it all to go away and for me to fade into nothing. I knew in that moment I could either just give up or do something. I could hide from what needed to be done or I could be brave like Harry and face the chaos that was spinning around me. From inside my dirty, torn robes I pulled out a port key. It would take me to him, to the monster I had feared. To the beast that had murdered my mother and would take Harry from me if I did nothing to stop him. In a flash I made my choice and the port key dropped to the ground as I vanished into the night.

March 2 12:17 am

I am just standing here. I have been here for hours. My hands are wrapped around the bars of the black metal gate and they are numb from the cold and the rain. The rain pours down like tears and I feel like I don't need to cry if the heavens are doing it for me. I have tried to move, to open up the gates and just walk in to face the monster that terrifies me. Slowly though the anger has faded, and I am left with just guilt. I cannot kill him filled with my own guilt. I have to hate him. To boil with rage to strike the fatal blow. Right now I hate myself. I can't bear to walk inside knowing she won't be there to greet me. I will have to face reality when I open these gates and I am not quite sure I can just yet. I lay my head against the bars and pray for the strength to do what I must. This is how you found me.

"Draco, you don't need to do this."

I don't turn to face you. I think that I have been waiting for you to find me here. I knew somehow you would come.

"Yes, Harry I do. If I don't, he will never stop. If I don't, you will be next. I can't let that happen."

"I can handle myself, Draco. Don't worry about me. Now is not the time, you are hurting and in pain. You need to grieve for her, killing him won't make it feel any better. Killing him won't bring her back."

"Don't you think I know that?" I say as I turn around to face you. "He needs to be stopped, and I have to be the one to stop him."

"We will stop him, Draco. I promise you. It will be together, will stop him together, but not tonight. Please just let me take you home."

"Harry, I can't... she's gone... my fault," the words came out in broken rasps as I fell to the muddy ground. All the guilt and the pain crashed into me. My sobs racked my body as I buried my head into my hands. I felt you gather me into your arms and rock me gently.

"Shh, it's all right," you whispered.

"I am so sorry. I am so sorry," I choked out between sobs.

"It's not your fault, Draco. She knows you loved her. There is nothing to be sorry for, my love. Please Draco don't do this to yourself. She doesn't blame you, don't blame yourself."

"Harry, how do you know?"

"I know because she loved you. Just like I do."

"Oh god, Harry I didn't mean the things I said."

"I know." We sat in silence for a few minutes. The pain began to lessen in your arms and finally I had the voice to speak again.

"Harry, without her this is not my home. You are all I have left, my home is with you. Please take me home, Harry."

"You will always have a home with me, Draco. No matter what happens, no matter what we have to face. Come what may, Draco I will love you and I will not let you go." With that you lifted me up and I felt you hold me just a little tighter. I took one last look at the home I had once known and I felt hollow and bitter at what had occurred within those walls. For one brief moment I thought I saw a figure standing at the window looking down upon us. The figure vanished as I felt the pull of the port key, and within seconds I found myself on the grounds of Hogwarts. There was not one moment as you walked towards the castle that you let me go. I didn't demand to walk; I didn't ask to be put down. I just held on to you and let you carry me home.