Broken: The Journal of Harry Potter

Broken: The Journal of Harry Potter

Chapter One: Hard to forget

May 19 12:01 am

How could I ever believe that this could be easy? I thought that by knowing that you were safe the pain of losing you would be less. It only has grown stronger, day after day, night after night I think of you. Every waking moment you are there, and when I close my eyes you are in my dreams. I fear the harsh light of the morning, knowing that my dream Draco will fade away with the first pale mist of a new day. I cannot tell what I hate more here, the days or the nights. I despise them both because you are no longer with me. At least I can write to you. I found how truly comforting that could be. All those times I watched you, never knowing that one day I would have a journal of my own. My words and my thoughts can be poured out like the blood from my bleeding heart. It eases the pain a little for I know that one day you can read my last words and remember me. I know in my heart that you will read this Draco. I may not be there to see it, but you will have my words to keep my alive as I will write to keep you alive. It may not be good at times, but you will have a record of really takes place here. I will not hide anything from you and you will be with me into my decent into darkness. I gave up the light for you, so that it may shine forever in the pale beauty of you and the love you gave me. I may fall and I may lose my mind to this thing that I have let take me, but remember that I gave the best of myself to you. The Dark Lord will never own me for I belong to you. You have claimed me and I will never let them truly have me. You are the best part of me. I love you.

May 25 11:05 PM

I promised I would tell you all that happens here for I know that it would haunt you to not know the truth. Part of me wants to hide and just write you pretty things to ease your mind. I know you would never forgive me for that and I asked you to not hide from me so I will not hide from you. Nothing much has really happened so far, Draco. I believe that I have yet to face the true horror that awaits me, for they have kept me in the dark on many things. They have tried to ease in me slowly, which surprised me. I thought that they would have marched me in and try to break me right away, but I think that the Dark Lord wants to prolong my suffering. He enjoys keeping me in the dark and caged never knowing what I will have to face or what he expects me to do. As for the other death eaters they pretty much ignore me. They treat me like I am invisible and I believe that the Dark Lord ordered them to do so. They only speak to me when they have too. They even drop off my food in complete silence. I think the silence is almost scarier, for all I have is the sound of my own voice in my head to keep me company. The voice is sometimes not my own, but yours and those are the times I love to listen. I can hear you whispering in that drawl that is so unique to you Draco. It floats through my mind and drowns out my own crazy thoughts and fears. When I want to pity myself, you won't let me and when I think that you will be forgotten, you scream at me to remember. I can hear your biting tongue and Malfoy confidence, when you say to me "A Malfoy is hard to forget, Remember that Harry." I have always wondered if you truly believed that or if you were just saying it at the time. I believe it Draco. With one taste of you I had you permanently burned into my brain. When everything seems too much for me to take I feel you like acid running through my veins and burning my mind with images of you. You laughing at the something I said, you smiling as you pulled me into some dark place to kiss me senseless, you making love to me with tenderness I never thought a Malfoy could ever posses. I feel the burn and it takes away all the pain of letting you go. In my mind you are with me and instead of this cold dark cell we are somewhere laughing and talking and the rays of sun are sparking off your pale hair into a thousand colors. You are my color, my only light in the darkness. I feel you all around me and I remember. I will

Never forget, Draco. I will never forget.

June 10 2:30 am

I am shaking as I write this Draco. The last few weeks have been spent "training". Day after day they push me until my body breaks and I am sent back to my cell. They tell me it is to toughen me up, to make sure I don't fail Voldemort. They claim they are teaching me how to be a servant of the Dark Lord. Although their little Death Eater boot camp is more about breaking your soul then it is about teaching you anything. I don't think that this torture is standard Death Eater training, but more like getting off on watching the boy who lived scream in pain. They hide their pleasure behind dark masks, but I see the glint of joy inside of their eyes. For years I have dodged their grasp and now they make me pay every day in flesh and blood. The worst of it is not the curses or the beatings no they save the best for when the lights go down. I can still feel their hands on me, they way they pressed their hot bodies to mine and pushed themselves inside me, ripping my body and my dignity as my screams die inside my throat. That's why I am shaking and why my hands are having a hard time writing this entry. The words look so small on this paper and I almost feel like it is someone else who is writing them, but even though I try to deny it the truth is laid out in black and white. I am falling to pieces, Draco, and the thought of you is the only thing that is keeping me sane. In my mind it is your touch that I feel instead of theirs. I may fall to pieces, but you will always be there to put me back together.

June 15 1:00 am

They have moved me tonight. They tell me that my training is complete and that I am now ready to be a servant of the Dark Lord. I am no longer in a cell, but a chamber that holds a bed, nightstand and to my surprise a window. Upon arriving I immediately dashed to the window thinking that I could see the world outside, but I found nothing but bars and darkness. Although this room is better than my cell I fear that this room is more of a prison then my cell ever was. I fear that this is the room where my spirit could break. I do not know what Voldemort has in store for me, and even though I agreed to join him the child in me still fears the monster in the dark. These four walls hold my fate, and I am afraid that fate will not be kind.