Changes

What would you do if you had the chance to go back in time and change an event, no matter how large or small? Would you save a life? Would you change the past knowing the effect such an act may have on the future? Would you be able to succeed or would a person's fate remain unchanged? Would you even try?

<~|~>

The day of the party arrived and I made it to Godric's Hollow roughly twenty minutes late. I wasn't much for parties anyway, but the fact that this was the man who had died in my arms was what had driven me to attend. There was a part of me that hoped that, perhaps, this Harry could be what he was the first time around. A part of me didn't know what to think about the desire, but I couldn't deny that it was there.

They were at the back of the house. The Weasleys had all gathered, Sirius, Remus, a few of Harry's friends from school, his brothers, and his parents. I was the last to arrive.

James looked up as I walked through the gate. "Severus!" he said with a wave. "We didn't think you'd show."

I smirked. "I almost didn't," I said smoothly.

"Grab a drink," Sirius said. "This is a party for all of us."

"All of us?" Harry asked, turning to his godfather confused.

"Sev's gay too," James said, handing me a butterbeer. I sent him a glare at the play on my name and he chuckled. "Sorry," he said. "Severus."

"You're gay too?" Harry asked me in shock.

I nodded. "I was married to the man you're named after," I informed him.

"Harry Porter?" Harry asked.

I shook my head. "Harry Potter," I answered.

"Severus, don't!" Sirius said suddenly.

I looked at him. "Why not?" I asked. "The three of us know. Shouldn't James and Lily know how close they came to death? Shouldn't Harry know that he nearly became an orphan?"

"Severus, what are you talking about?" James asked.

Suddenly I realized what I was doing. I realized what had driven me to come here today. I realized what I was doing and why. I hoped that with the truth I could have a second chance.

I froze. "Nothing," I said, shaking my head. I put the butterbeer down on the picnic table unopened and turned away. I was nearly to the gate when Sirius ran over to me.

"What do you think you're doing?" he hissed, turning me around.

"What would you do?" I asked darkly. "If you were where I am?"

"I would keep my bloody mouth shut, that's what I would do," Sirius said. "Harry is seventeen, Severus. Seventeen. He is not the same man you married.'

"Yes he is!" I hissed. "He's got the same goddamn body, the same voice, the same eyes! He's got the same soul!" I could feel tears burning at my eyes and I suddenly knew how Harry had felt when he had seen me for the first time. "God," I cried, looking away from Sirius. "Why did you all invite me here?" I asked, looking back up at him.

"It was James' idea," Sirius informed me.

"What was my idea?" James asked, walking up to us. "And what were you talking about back there? How close did Lil and I come to death? How close did Harry come to being an orphan?"

Sirius sighed heavily and hung his head.

"What do you know?" James asked. The question was directed more at Sirius than it was to me.

"Harry was your son," Remus said, also joining us. "The Harry we knew in school was your son."

James shook his head. "That's not possible," James said. "He was seventeen when we met him."

"Nineteen, actually," I said. "He was sent back in time to do what he did," I continued. "In the future he came from, Voldemort killed you and Lily Halloween the year after he was born. Harry was raised by Lily's sister and her family, and he hated every minute of it. He was neglected and abused and when he came to Hogwarts he was just like you in every way but one. He was never as reckless, arrogant, or commanding as you were. I thought he was just like you and I hated him for it for the first five years I knew him. When he was seventeen we started dating. I died in his arms. He came back to when we met him a month later. You know the rest from there."

"The question is, how do you?" James asked.

"I had a plan," I said, remembering saying the words to Harry. "When I die, my thoughts and memories would be passed to my eighteen year-old self. I had wanted to know what being a Death Eater meant before I became one. That was why it took so long for me to turn," I said.

"Why did you turn anyway?" James asked.

"I lost the battle," I said, repeating what I had said to Sirius all those long years ago. "I ended up winning the war."

"You helped Harry win," James said. "For that you have my respect. However, if I ever hear you speak about my son being your dead husband again, I will not be held responsible for my actions. Harry is dead, Severus. He has been for seventeen years. Get over it and stop pretending that you can have him back."

"Use Legilimency," I said. "You're good at it, I've seen you. Use Legilimency on me, right here, right now. I'll show you the proof."

"Severus, there's no point," Remus said softly. "James won't believe it unless he sees them standing next to each other."

"I have a picture," I said suddenly, reaching in my robes for it. I handed the picture to James. It was Harry and I on our wedding day. I saw James' face change as he realized that they looked identical. He shook his head. "That's not possible," he whispered. "That is not my son."

"James," Sirius said, "I'm your brother. You know I'd never lie to you. I heard the story too. I didn't believe it at first either, but then Remus and Severus both made me believe it. We would never have found out Pettigrew was a Death Eater if Harry hadn't been there. What if Voldemort would have killed you and Lil? Then Harry would have gone to his aunt and uncle because I would have done something stupid and landed myself in Azkaban. Think, James. Where are the holes in the story?"

"Don't forget: he knew I was a werewolf and we never told him," Remus added.

James shook his head again and handed me the photograph. "It's still not possible."

"Then explain why Harry died the night your son was born," I said. "Tell me why. We all know that the soul cannot be in two places at once and the weaker of the two bodies will die. My husband was near death. He died so that your son would live. Don't you dare tell me that it's not him."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

All four of us turned to see Harry standing there. Harry took a step towards us, looking bewildered. "Are you telling me that I went back through time and killed Voldemort?" he asked. "And that I was married to you?"

I nodded.

"Show me," he said.

I sighed heavily before I looked up at James. "Are you willing to see as well?" I asked.

He sighed and nodded. "I need to know for sure," he said. He raised his wand and pointed it at me. "Ready?" he asked. I nodded. "Legilimens" he said softly.

The memories flushed out as though a dam had just been opened. I saw everything from the first time I had talked to Harry--a conversation I let James see--to places I was not willing to share, such as the night he died (and other things that happened when the lights were off...), and my Death Eater past. When he released control, we were both out of breath.

"Holy shit," he said, breathing hard.

"Dad?" Harry asked.

Bewildered, James turned to his son and nodded. "It's true," he whispered. "It's all bloody true."

That was when Harry's eyes met mine and I felt everything I had ever felt for him hit me all over again at once. Something changed in his eyes and I knew it would happen all over again. Before I really knew what I was doing, I had turned and left, not wanting to be near the man I considered my soul mate.

When he came back to school for his seventh year, he came to me. I was sitting in my office, grading papers, and he had come in unannounced. I looked up as he shut the door and my heart rate skyrocketed. "Yes?" I asked. I hadn't seen him since the party and I wasn't sure what he would do. He didn't even have my class.

"I knew," he said softly. "I knew there was something..." he sighed in frustration and looked torn between walking out and sitting down. "I've always felt some sort of connection to you," he confessed. "I didn't know what it was. I guess...I always kind of hoped you were gay," he said, taking a step closer to me. "I couldn't figure out why--I thought maybe it was just a crush or something. What I heard at the party...it all makes sense," he said. "Everything fits. I understand now. A part of me has always felt that this isn't right. In fact, I almost didn't come back this year even after making Head Boy. It just doesn't feel right. It feels like there's something missing. Do you know what I mean?"

I nodded. "In the future we're not living, Dumbledore was killed last June," I said. "The school was closed and soon destroyed. By that time, you and I had...we were together. I died when you were nineteen and you went back in time, dying when I was twenty. I know exactly how you feel, Harry," I said.

"Age is just a number, right?" he asked, taking another step closer to me.

I shook my head. "Not while you're a student," I said softly.

"Then I'll drop out!" he cried.

"No," I said firmly. "First of all, your father would never forgive me for that. Second, I hear you want to be a professional Quidditch player. Do you honestly think they'll look at a drop out?" I asked. "Finish the year. Anything between us can wait--after all, it's been waiting for seventeen years."

He shook his head. "I can't wait," he said softly. "I don't want to. I sighed and closed my eyes. "Harry, you don't understand. If anything happens between us, we'll both suffer the consequences."

Harry let out a sound of frustration mixed with protest. He quickly crossed the distance between himself and me only to pull me into a kiss. "I. Don't. Care," he said softly. "All I want is you."

Having not felt anything for anyone for the last sixteen years, I could not stop myself from taking Harry's lips with mine for the second time.

It wasn't until my brain caught up with my body that I realized what was happening. I hastily shoved Harry away, leaving him both hurt and confused, and walked over to the wall. I stared at it, unseeing, for what felt like an eternity before I turned back to him. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat before I spoke. "This cannot happen," I said, trying to convince myself just as much as I was Harry. "Not until you've graduated. Your father is a friend of mine and he would kill me if he knew I was the reason you dropped out or were expelled," I said. "Since he is your guardian and can do something to keep you away from me, I am not willing to risk that. Were you out of school, I would gladly go where you are asking me to go," I said softly. "Until that time, however, I beg you, do not ask me to do this. I can't keep saying no and the day I stop is the day we suffer."

"We already suffer," Harry said softly. For a second, I could have sworn I was looking at the man I had married, rather than the seventeen year-old who just so happened to be the exact same person.

"I know," I said softly, returning to my desk. I sat down heavily and looked up at him, the longing and need lodging itself in a tight knot somewhere in the pit of my stomach. At that moment I would have given anything to have him back in my arms, but the consequences of those actions weighed heavily in my mind. I couldn't allow myself to give in to my desires when I knew that it could cost both my life and job and ruin his dreams. I would not be the one to strip him of his right to be whatever he wanted to be.

He walked over to me again and sat on the edge of my desk. He reached for my hand and held it as he stared at the stone floor at his feet. "Dad knows...he knows that there's no stopping me," he said softly. "He knows that, since something between us happened before, it's likely to happen again. Sirius and Remus both say that it will. They told me, right before term started, what I was like then. They said it was like I was two different people and that it was hard for them to believe I was the same person they had gone to school with. Am I really that different?" he asked. "The Harry that went back in time and the one sitting here...are we really two different people?"

I sighed. "Yes and no," I said softly. "Yes because you never had to face the same horrors that your other self did, and no because you have the same beliefs and ideals and you love the same things. You're different physically in one aspect only. You do not have a lightning bolt shaped scar on your forehead, like he did. Your lives have walked different paths, and yet you are the same man. You have taught me, time and time again, that it doesn't matter what life brings, we are the same."

"We?" Harry asked, looking up at me at last.

I nodded. "The biggest problem between Harry and I in the past was that I had not yet faced the horrors in my life that he had known me to. Because I chose a different path this time around, I was a different person to him, as you are to me. Yet we are still the same as they knew us as. You are the same Harry I knew sixteen years ago. I am the same Severus you knew in a different future."

Harry sighed. "I still don't really understand it," he said softly, "and a part of me refuses to believe it, but...it all makes sense, you know?" he asked. I nodded. "Knowing that I was married to you...it makes sense to me because for the longest time, you were the one in my dreams. You still are," he confessed. "And hearing you tell me no, not now, it's...it's like you're denying a part of me and making me only half of myself. I feel like I'm only half alive," he confessed.

"I feel the same," I said softly, the words escaping me before I knew what they were.

There was a knock on my door before it opened and the headmaster walked in. Harry let go of my hand as he turned to see who the new entrant was. He froze slightly before he stood, looking guilty.

"Mr. Potter, would you please excuse us?" the headmaster asked. Harry quickly fled the room. Dumbledore looked at me curiously once the door had shut. "What did I interrupt?" he asked.

"Me telling my student that, despite our very chaotic pasts, there would be nothing until he graduated."

"He really is the very same Harry, isn't he?" the headmaster asked, sitting at my desk.

I nodded. "Yes, he is," I answered.

"And you told him no?"

I nodded. "There are rules, Headmaster," I said.

"You're married," he said.

I looked at him confused. "What?" I asked. "But Harry died."

Dumbledore shook his head. "The Harry you were married to died after this one was born," he informed me. "Contrary to popular belief, the soul can exist in two places at the same time. Therefore, you were married to the baby as well as the man. Harry Potter is your husband, especially since the name on your marriage license is Harry Potter, not Porter."

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"That you and Mr. Potter can be together while he is in school," Dumbledore informed me. "I came here to tell you that very thing, actually."

I raised my eyebrows, doubtful. "Is that all?" I asked.

Dumbledore chuckled. "You know me very well, Severus," he said softly, amusement in both his eyes and his voice. "I'm offering you a promotion."

"What?" I asked, shocked.

"It has finally occurred to me that I am getting rather old for this job and I will step down when the year is through. I am asking both you and Minerva to consider taking over for me. Minerva, being the Assistant Headmistress at this school for nearly as many years as I have been Headmaster, is considering becoming the Headmistress. I would like you to think about becoming the Assistant Headmaster. Although you disagree quite often, I know you will work well with each other."

I stared at him in shock. "You want me to become Assistant Headmaster?" I asked.

"Or Headmaster, depending on Minerva's choice. She informed me when I approached her about the job that she was also thinking of retiring."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Are you sure about this?" I asked. "Surely there are other professors who are more worthy of this honor than I am," I said.

Dumbledore smiled as he usually did. "Is that a no then?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I am merely wondering where you lost your head."

He chuckled. "I haven't the foggiest," he said. "Consider it, Severus. You have a year."

I nodded and he stood. "Shall I send Harry back to you?" he asked. "So that you may tell him of your situation?"

Unable to process all of the sudden information of the last hour, I don't know whether I nodded or shook my head. Either way, Dumbledore left and I was alone with the thoughts that confused me.

Harry did not come back that day, or the next, or even the one after that. In fact, a week passed before his presence graced my office once more.

"You've been avoiding me," I said without looking up as he opened the door. I didn't know how, but I always knew who was entering my office before I looked up at them. I looked up then and saw him standing frozen. "Why?" I asked.

He quickly recovered and walked over to the chair in front of me. He sat down and shrugged. "Well, with things the way they are...I just...I don't know."

I chuckled at his nervousness, then felt my own creep up on me. I was about to tell him what the headmaster had told me and I wasn't sure how he would react.

"You know I was married to you before, yes?" I asked. He nodded. "It has recently come to my attention that you and I are as well."

"What?" Harry asked, shocked. "How?"

"He died after you were born. The name on our marriage license is the one he was born with, not the alias he went by back then. That contract binds me to him, therefore it binds me to you, and vice versa. Because of that, my reasons for saying no the last time we talked are now null and void."

"Oh," he said softly. "You know, mum and dad aren't going to be too thrilled about me being married before I was born..."

"If you want, I'll file for a divorce."

He shook his head, surprising me. "Don't," he said softly. I felt my eyebrows rise in curiosity. "Why?" I asked.

He sighed heavily and shifted, clearly nervous. "I don't want you to," he said softly. "Especially if it means that I can...I mean we can..." his voice trailed off and that was when I realized that he was where I had been all those years ago with Harry.

"You've never done this before, have you?" I asked. He blushed and shook his head. I had always loved it when Harry blushed. Now I had the chance to see it again. I smirked recognizing the feelings and stood. He looked up at me curiously as I walked to the door at the back of my office. "Come," I said softly, holding the door open.

He walked into my room and he looked around as though he were trying to take in everything all at once. He walked around and stopped when he reached the mantle. There was a picture of Harry and I on our wedding day there. I watched as Harry reached up and touched his forehead where the scar was located once upon a time. He turned around and looked at me. "That's what I looked like?" he asked. I nodded. "That's what you do look like," I said softly. He shook his head and looked back. "No, it's different," he said softly.

"Age, perhaps?" I asked softly, walking up behind him. I reached out from behind him and picked up the picture frame. "He was twenty-one when this was taken," I said. "I was nineteen. It was around the time your parents got married." I sighed heavily. "I became a Death Eater roughly two years later and then came to his rescue the day before you were born. He died later that night, after you were born."

"You were a Death Eater?" Harry asked, looking up at me in shock. I sighed heavily and put the picture back on the mantle. "I was," I said softly. "And it's not something I'm proud of." I turned to the sofa and sat down. "I regret every second of it because it was one that he was mad at me or that he hated me or that he wasn't there."

"Why did you turn?" he asked, sitting next to me.

I sighed. "It was my nature," I said softly. "I fought against it for so long. We had problems, as I said before, I wasn't the Severus he had known and that got in the way. One day I simply had enough and I went to one of my House mates. She took me to become a Death Eater and I lived a double life until it became too much. I told Harry, he...he kicked me out, and then I helped him. I told him where Voldemort was and he went to destroy him. I showed up, knowing something was wrong.... I don't know what it was that killed him, but it was something Voldemort had done to him."

"You Know Who did something to me?" Harry asked. "I mean him?"

"No, you're right," I said. "He did something to you. There was a curse he cast at some point that caused Harry to bleed to death internally. I find it rather ironic. He told me that in his future I had bled to death in his arms, and then he bled to death in mine..."

"So what happens this time?" Harry asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know," I said softly. There was bliss in that knowledge. The fact that I didn't know what was going to happen made me feel safer than when I did know what the future would bring. I could look toward tomorrow and feel anticipation, rather than dread. I could look toward the future and not be able to see a thousand bad and horrible things that had not yet come to pass. For once, I could look toward the years to come with hope.

"Then what happens now?" Harry asked softly.

I sighed heavily and pulled him closer to me. "Whatever we want," I said softly before kissing him.