Changes

What would you do if you had the chance to go back in time and change an event, no matter how large or small? Would you save a life? Would you change the past knowing the effect such an act may have on the future? Would you be able to succeed or would a person's fate remain unchanged? Would you even try?

<~|~>

I woke the next morning to find that I had been crying in my sleep and that I was in desperate need of a cold shower. I sighed in relief at hearing my father and his friends all still snoring--thus still sleeping--and got out of bed. That was when I saw Sirius and Remus lying next to each other and I felt the anger and frustration bubble up inside me. Why couldn't the rest of us have that? Why couldn't Severus and I have that? Overcome with jealousy, I headed to the shower.

"To four years as brothers," Sirius said, raising his goblet high. All four of them drank.

I sat at the window, watching as the sun began to sink behind the trees of the forest. Remus stood, after sharing an intimate moment with Sirius and announced that it was time for him to go. Remus and Sirius kissed again and Remus left.

"Here," Sirius said, handing me a goblet of butterbeer. He sat down on the window ledge with me and looked out. "This is the hard part," he said. "The waiting. It's worse when I have to see him transform but the fact that I can't see him just yet is sheer agony."

I shook my head. "Agony comes when the man you love dies in your arms and you know you're never going to see him again."

"Remus dies?" Sirius asked, taking my meaning wrong.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "Severus does."

"So then, you didn't think about that when you came here?"

"Actually it was the only reason I agreed," I confessed. "He died a month before we heard about the prophecy and decided to send me here."

"Prophecy?"

"The clues for how to defeat him before it's too late. If he gets to me again and his body and soul are separated again, it'll be too late."

"How so?"

"I really don't know," I confessed. "Things were bad when I left. Hogwarts was gone, Dumbledore was dead, and the Ministry was completely run over, Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, even Goldric's Hollow...they were all taken. He was even taking Muggle places. There was a bridge, King's Cross...Voldemort was even threatening Buckingham Palace."

"There's no way Hogwarts could be destroyed," Sirius said matter-of-factly.

"I used to think that way too," I said softly. "Thank Merlin you died before you saw it happen. The Order moved into the castle after Dumbledore died. Voldemort attacked the castle, killing nearly everyone inside.... Trelawney made the prophecy and I came back here."

"Severus died at Hogwarts, didn't he?"

I shook my head. "No, he died before. He and I were going to destroy the last Horcrux and Voldemort was there, waiting. We fought him and he got the upper hand. I was bound to a wall...I couldn't move. He had Severus.... 'I thought I could trust you,' he said." My voice was beginning to crack. " 'But you've betrayed me in ways I never thought possible.' I screamed for him to take me, to leave Severus alone.... He looked up at me and laughed. Severus was kneeling in front of him and he cast the curse. It was a curse Severus created here," I said softly. "He bled to death in my arms and there was nothing I could do. I knew then that Voldemort would take everything from me before he came for me himself."

"Severus died in your arms?" Sirius asked.

I nodded. "I used every healing spell I could think of and nothing helped. We didn't have the right potion to stop the bleeding because neither one of us had ever expected anyone to use that curse against us. I couldn't do anything..." I whispered, wiping the tears away. "That is agony," I said in a whisper. "Not what you're faced with monthly."

"Sirius," James called.

"What?" Sirius asked, looking at my father.

"Time."

I watched as they left and waited until the door was shut before I walked over to the bathroom and opened the door. Severus looked up at me with a shocked look on his face, possibly not expecting it to be me. I saw the relief show on his features as he stood and walked over to me. "What's wrong?" he asked softly.

I shook my head and forced myself to smile. "Nothing," I said.

"You really do love me, don't you?" he asked.

I was caught off guard by the oddness of the question. "Yes," I said slowly. "Why?"

He sighed. "I heard what you told Sirius," he informed me. My eyes widened in shock. "A spell," he said quickly. "I wanted to know what was going on...."

"Well now you know what happens to you," I said softly.

"And I know why you didn't want to tell me," he said. "But why tell Sirius if you can't tell me?"

"Because Sirius isn't you," I said softly. "I can tell him because I don't have to look at him and see your face. I don't have to look at him and be haunted by you."

"The problem is me then?" he asked.

"No the problem is me and the fact that I still haven't wrapped my brain around the fact that I'm living in the seventies and you're not dead. My head still thinks it's 2000."

He sighed and wrapped his arms around me. "And I'm not twenty years older than you anymore," he said softly.

I shook my head and pulled away from him. "That doesn't matter," I said. "Age never did, not with us. It was just a number. What mattered was what was in here," I said, resting my fist against my heart. "That's all that matters to me now," I said.

He kissed me then, and all thought flew from my mind.

It was like the first time, all over again.

"Holy shit!"

My eyes snapped open and I sat up only to find the worst thing to ever happen to me. I was in bed with Severus (I don't need to say that we weren't dressed) and my father stood in front of me, his jaw hanging open, a look of utter shock and disgust on his face.

"Fuck," I hissed.

"What the hell is this?" James demanded.

"What does it look like?" I snapped.

"C'mon, James," Sirius said, trying to pull my father from the room.

James rounded on him. "You knew?" he demanded.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I knew," he said. "Now before you blow like you did before, let's go down to the common room."

"Get that slime out of here," James ordered with a hateful and vindictive look at Severus.

"Watch your mouth, Potter," I snarled. "You get out."

"Who do you think you are?" my father demanded, pulling himself out of Sirius' hold and taking a step toward us. "You may be a seventh year, but you don't have any right to tell me what to do! I've been here longer!"

"And I don't give a shit!" I shouted.

"You don't have any right to tell me what to do!"

I snatched my wand from the table and pointed it at my father. "Don't make me hex you," I said darkly. "And don't try me. Now leave," I said in a forced-calm way. "Let us get dressed so that we can talk about this in a civilized fashion."

"You have ten minutes," he said. "And I want that slimeball gone."

"That slimeball has a name," I growled. "Use it."

"Look, James," Sirius said, trying to stop the fight that was sure to come, "Snape hasn't really ever done anything to us. We attacked him. Maybe it's time you listen to Lil and let him be. Remember? She's not going to give you a chance until you do."

James sighed heavily. "The things I do for women," he muttered, turning and leaving. Sirius pulled a face as Peter walked out as well.

Peter looked back before the door shut. His eyes met Severus' and the look on his face was one I would not expect from him if I had not known the truth.

Sirius turned to us. "Get dressed," he said. "Then come down." He sighed. "Are you sure you can't tell James who you are?" he asked.

I glared at him. "How would you react if you had a son that magically turned up one day claiming to be your son and you already didn't like him very much?" I asked. "Especially after you just found him in bed with someone you had spent most of your time hating?"

Sirius nodded. "Maybe someday then," he said softly, turning and leaving.

It was only after the door had shut that I showed how much my father finding me like this actually affected me. I groaned as I flopped back onto my pillow before I grabbed it and pulled it over my head. "My God, I hate my life," I said into the pillow.

Severus chuckled. "It could have been worse," he said.

I pulled the pillow away from my face and glared at him. "How so?" I demanded.

"Well if they had come back any earlier..."

"Oh God I don't even want to think about that," I said, throwing the pillow across the room. I sat up again and sighed.

"Neither do I," Severus said, sitting as well. "The fact that Potter has seen so much is enough to make me want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever."

"You know, there's very little now that I've seen that he hasn't," I said with a shrug.

"How did you know that?" Severus demanded.

"You, teaching me Occlumency, and you left your pensive out for me to find," I said. "Saw the memory and got right to that part when you showed up, furious, and didn't speak to me for a week. In fact, you threw a pickled something at me and I ran for my life."

Severus chuckled.

"I take it you don't remember everything then," I said softly.

"There's a lot I don't know," Severus confessed. "Most of it is just thoughts and feelings. I have a few vivid images from the Death Eater stuff--enough to change my mind, anyway. There are a few memories of teaching at Hogwarts with everyone hating me, but it's all vague. I remember you and I remember my feelings, and being with you is making me feel what I felt then...or whatever," he said, shaking his head slightly.

"And then, after hearing what you told Black, I can remember my death," he said softly. I felt my heart skip a beat and I didn't want him to continue. I moved to get out of bed and get dressed, but he grabbed my wrist, holding me there. "I know what you said," he said softly.

I took in a shaking breath, the tears ready to fall. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "You heard that?" I asked in a shaking whisper.

"I know I never told you," he said softly, "but I want you to know it now. I love you too. Not even death can change that."

I shut my eyes to the pain and turned my back to him, the tears falling. I couldn't take it anymore. When he placed his hand on my back, I completely lost it. He wrapped his arms around me and I held him as though if I let go I'd die.

At that moment, I truly believed I would.

"I've waited so long to hear you say that," I whispered.

Later, in the common room, I watched a miracle take place right in front of my eyes. James, my father, the man who hated Severus almost as much as he hated Voldemort, held out his hand in friendship. "I was wrong," he said. "I'm sorry."

Severus took his hand, much to the shock of the gathered Gryffindors. "Me too," he said.

I stood back, smiling slightly. I couldn't really believe what I was seeing, but I couldn't be more proud of both of them than I was in that moment.

"Oh my God," someone whispered softly. Everyone turned to Lily. Smiling, she walked up to James. "It's about time," she said softly. She reached up behind his neck and pulled him into a kiss. I realized that I hadn't come back in time my parents would have taken much longer in getting together. I had, in essence, inadvertently brought my parents together because of my relationship with Severus.

Severus and I retreated to our spot shortly after that. We were quiet the entire way and both knew exactly where we were going without discussing it first. My thoughts were running circles around each other and I couldn't see where they were going. We sat down by the river and it was almost as though I were back in my time with my Severus.

After a while, Severus spoke.

"I thought I lost you once," he said softly. "When I killed Dumbledore. After you disappeared, I thought I'd never see you again. When I returned to the Order with Draco--and nearly died because of it--to explain why I did what I had...they told me you had been there that night. The thought that you had seen me kill, that you had seen how cruel I could be...it shattered me. I loved you even then," he said softly.

"I was sure that you would kill me if we ever met up again," he said softly. "I knew that that was the only way for me to die in that instant. With you. Either by your side or by your wand."

For a moment, he sounded just like my Severus. He sounded just like the man who had died in my arms.

"When I was giving you Occlumency lessons," he said softly, "I got the first glimpses into your mind and I realized how wrong I was about you. I realized that you really weren't your father and that I was wrong. That was when I began to realize that I loved you. Learning who you were, learning about the parts of your life that were so much like mine, I began to realize that you were better than James. You never once did anything to Draco that was anything like what James did to me, with the exception of using my curse on him in your sixth year. You surpassed him..."

"Were you comparing me to him?" I asked.

Severus shook his head. "No," he said softly. "I was admiring your strength. I was impressed with your ability to prove me wrong about the sins of the father being passed to the son."

It was then that it hit me. No matter who this Severus was, no matter that this was the same person I had loved before, this was a different man. My Severus would never tell me these things. My Severus never told me he loved me because he couldn't and he was okay with that because he knew I knew he did. My Severus would never tell me about his thoughts or feelings when it came to us because he didn't know how and had spent so much of his life keeping those things to himself. My Severus would never have admitted anything that this Severus had just done.

I wasn't sure what to think about this. A part of me was elated that this Severus could tell me these things, that he was able to confide in me in ways that mine had not, and yet...a part of me was oddly disturbed by it.

"I'm not him," Severus said softly. I was shocked to hear that there were tears in his voice and even more shocked when I looked up and saw those tears fall. "That's what you're thinking, isn't it?" he asked. "Because it's true," he said, looking down at his clasped hands. "I'm not him. I'm not the Severus you fell in love with. That's why you're torn. I'm not him."

His words broke my heart. "Severus," I said helplessly.

"No, Harry," he said. "I understand." He stood and I realized in horror what he was doing. After all, it's what the Severus of my time would do.

"No," I said, standing quickly and stepping in front of him. "For the love of God, Severus, don't."

His black eyes met mine and I saw all the pain that existed between us in their echoing depths. Those eyes welled up with tears and spilled over. "I'm not him," he said yet again, driving the truth even deeper into my already shattered self. "Nothing you can do will bring him back to life, Harry," he said angrily. "I have his memories, his feelings, but they're not mine! You don't love me, you love HIM!" he shouted, causing me to jump. "You're not going to love me."

I was frozen. I felt the hot tears fall down my face as I stared at him in shock. I wanted to deny what he said. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't true, but I couldn't because it was true. He wasn't my Severus and it didn't matter how much I wanted it, he was right.

It wasn't until he started to walk away that I did or said anything.

"Severus, stop," I said, praying that he would listen to me.

He turned. "What?" he asked, his voice rough with emotion.

I turned to face him. "I love you," I said, my voice shaking. "And I love him too," I continued. "I can't change that. I can change what happens now. I can stop comparing you. I can stop living in my past and start living now, but I can't do it alone." The tears continued to fall as I spoke and prayed that he wouldn't leave me. "I can't do this without you. You're keeping me sane, you're keeping me alive. If I have to go one day without you there, without knowing that you're with me, if I have to go one day being able to see you but not have any part of you, I'll die. I can't take that. I can't take you not being there. The very thought of losing you absolutely kills me. The very thought of you hating me, of you leaving me, of you disappearing...I can't take it. I can't think like that because I know that if I do, I'll lose it. And this is you I'm talking about. Not the Severus that died in my arms."

"How?" he demanded. "How can you when you've only known this me for only three days?"

"They say it takes an hour to get to know someone," I said, "A day to love them, and a lifetime to forget them. I don't know about you, but I believe in love at first sight. I love you, and I'll do anything I have to in order to keep you, even if that means letting you go. Though that alone would kill me."

Severus looked away from me. I continued. "You say you have his memories and feelings," I said. "You say that you thought you lost me once when you killed Dumbledore, but that wasn't you. How do I know that I'm not the one for you?" I asked. "How does anyone? Maybe the Severus of my time wasn't the one that was meant for me. Maybe you are. What do you say we start over?" I asked. "Right from hello and forget all of this?"

I couldn't lose him...I just couldn't.

Severus finally looked back up at me and held out his hand. "Hi," he said with a shy smirk. "My name's Severus," he said.

I smiled and took his offered hand. "I'm Harry," I said, fighting tears.

December came quickly and with it, the winter holiday. I couldn't believe that this would be the first Christmas I wouldn't spend with Ron and Hermione. I was beginning to miss them more than I thought I would. Classes were tough, and what I knew I couldn't use. I was forced to abandon what I knew because that was future knowledge. And I constantly forgot that this age didn't have the Wolfsbane potion. I slipped once right before the break and told Remus about it.

"A potion that would let me keep my mind during the full moon?" Remus asked.

"They have it where I'm from," I said quickly. "You really don't have it here?"

Remus gave me the look he gave me every time I mentioned anything from 'where I'm from'. "And where are you from?" he demanded. "You never say."

"I'm an Aussie," I said quickly. It was the only place I could think of where the people had roughly the same accent as the English do.

"Really? Because you've got an English accent. I have family in Australia. I can hear the difference."

"Harry just tell him," Sirius sighed. "Remus is safe, he won't say anything."

I glared at Sirius. "You aren't even supposed to know," I said. "Neither is Severus."

"What are you two on about?" Remus asked. He turned to Sirius. "What are you hiding from me?"

I sighed. "Remus, I'm from the future," I said quietly.

He snapped back around to me. "You really are James' son then," he said, not surprised. "I knew it. You smell too much like him to be the possible cousin you claim to be." He hesitated. "Lily's your mother," he said softly.

I nodded. "The eyes, I know," I said.

"Wait a minute," Sirius said. "When you said that you knew about Remus' lycanthropy and that a werewolf you knew back home told you what to look for..."

"It was Remus," I said, nodding.

"What's it like?" Remus asked. "How much changes?"

I sighed. I knew that if I told them, I could be in serious trouble, but at that moment I didn't care. "1982 Voldemort kills Lily and James and gives me this scar," I said pointing to my forehead. "Everyone thinks he's dead, they think that when he tried to kill me, I destroyed him. I am the only person ever to survive the Killing Curse. That's where my problem with Pettigrew comes from. He's a Death Eater and he's the one who sold my parents to Voldemort." They flinched and I realized that they had the first time I mentioned Voldemort's name as well. "You two change quite a bit," I said. "For one, you quit flinching at that name and start saying it." They looked at each other surprised. "Sirius, you're blamed for selling them out because Pettigrew shouts that you're the one that did it before he blows up half of the street, killing 12 Muggles and leaving behind a finger. Lives as my best mate's rat for the next 12 years and is exposed when you break out of Azkaban--first ever to do so--and we almost had him when he escaped because Remus forgot to take his wolfsbane potion. Severus is a complete ass at the time and is the one that tries to take you to the Dementors. Voldemort returns in my fourth year after Cedric Diggory and I win the Triwizard Tournament and are transported to a graveyard where Pettigrew brings him back. Sirius, you die a year later at the Ministry of Magic. You're dueling Bellatrix in the Death Room and fall behind the veil. You were there to save me and Remus stops me before I follow you. A year after that, Severus kills Dumbledore because he has no other choice. Dumbledore told him long before that that he would be forced to make that choice and that he needed to choose his life over Dumbledore's. Everything falls apart after that. Voldemort starts to win. That's why I'm here. To stop him before it becomes too late."

They both stared at me in shock. I don't think either of them expected me to say anything like that.

"So when the time comes, we make you Secret Keeper," Sirius said softly.

I shook my head. "If I die the secret dies with me," I said. "One of you two will have to do it."

"You don't expect to live?" Remus asked.

I shook my head. "You can only survive a killing curse once," I said. "And I have no idea what's going to happen when that prophecy comes to term."

"Then what do we do?" Remus asked. "We can't have Peter be the Keeper, not if he's going to betray us."

"One of you," I said simply. "Or Dumbledore."

Sirius sighed. "I know you and Snape both say that Pete's a Death Eater, but I just can't believe it," he said. "Pete's too...he doesn't have it in him."

"No, he doesn't," I agreed. "But he follows you three around like a lost pup because you're stronger, more powerful, and smarter than he is. He follows those who are stronger than he is so that he doesn't get hurt and seems more than he really is. I've seen him grovel at Voldemort's feet. I watched him cut off his own hand to bring Voldemort back. I promise you, he is a Death Eater."

"Sirius, Harry's not lying," he said. "I saw Pete's Dark Mark once, but it was so quickly that I wasn't sure I saw anything so I didn't say anything. We have to tell James. His life hangs in the balance."

"No," I said strongly. "James and Lily are the two people who can't know. How would you react if I were your son and telling you all of this?" I asked. "You'd freak. You wouldn't believe me, and you'd do everything you could to prove me wrong until it became too late for you to realize that I was right. You'd think I was a Death Eater trying to set up a trap. And why not? First time I talked to Sirius he accused me of being a Death Eater. Hell, I'm nearly twenty. Why would I be here?"

"You're nearly twenty?" Sirius asked in shock.

I nodded. "Next July," I said.

"So why are you here?" Remus asked.

"To get my N.E.W.T.s so that I can be an Auror," I said.

"I told you, you do that and you'll die." Startled, I turned to the doorway where I saw Severus. "Why don't you believe me?"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. "If I don't become an Auror, I'll be thrown in Azkaban for the things I have to do."

"First off, they'll never believe you and they'll put you in St. Mungo's," Severus said, walking into the dorm. "Second, those memories I've got tell me that the Death Eaters are going to attack Auror headquarters in two years time. You'll be there, fresh from the academy, and you'll end up like all of them."

"What?" Remus asked, looking at Severus as though he were the one who should be tossed in the psychiatric ward of St. Mungo's.

"When I turned 18 I got my memories from the future," Severus said. "Almost wish I hadn't because they're fucking with my memories."

"But if you hadn't, you'd be a Death Eater," I said softly.

He looked away and sighed. "There's really nothing saying that someday I wont be," he said softly.

"What?" I demanded, standing.

"I don't want to," he nearly yelled. "But at any moment something could happen and I could easily turn. That is why Dumbledore never let me teach Defense, Harry," he said. "He knew I could turn back. And I nearly did," he said. "When I thought I'd lost you, I nearly turned back."

"Wait a second," Remus said. "You two dated in the future?"

Sirius nodded.

"But he's twenty years older!" Remus hissed.

"You never did like it much," I said turning to him. "In fact you hated me for a while. Called me a traitor and everything." I turned back to Severus and walked over to him. "Severus, please," I said, holding his head in my hands and resting my forehead against his. "Please, for the love of all things--for us--fight whatever it is inside of you that makes you want to be a part of them. I couldn't handle it if I lost you to that."

He sighed and wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped mine around his neck.

"I'll do my best," he whispered in my ear.

I spent the holiday with Severus in my dormitory. Sirius and Remus went to Remus' parent's house, James and Lily had gone together, and Pettigrew was doing something with his family.

I was amazed at how different the two Severuses were. I kept finding new things about this Severus that the other one didn't have and I loved him more for those things. He was so much more open with me than the other. This Severus didn't have all of the horrors the other one did and he was a different person for it.

I had thought the Severus of my time was the most beautiful man I had ever seen, but I see this one, and I'm awed by him. Everything about him is...gods it's amazing. I never wanted the vacation to end because I knew that when it did we would have to go back to what we had before. Nearly nothing.