Damnus Animus

Sirius opened a blurry eye to the sunlight weakly entering the Shrieking Shack. Morning, again. How long had it been since he felt the sun on his face? Or the wind in his hair? His hair, not the dog's. Oh! How he longed to be free! For two weeks he's lived in this torture. For two weeks, freedom has been in his grasp. But for two weeks, freedom--true freedom--has been just beyond his reach. So close, he could feel it, taste it, and breathe it! But so far that freedom is only a memory--not even that!--it is only a fantasy...

*****

Severus walked down to his classroom and readied himself to face the music. This was the Slytherin/Gryffindor double potions class, which meant that both Potter and Draco would be at eachother's throats if he allowed it.

Which he would not.

They were paired together so often, not just because Severus loathed Potter, but also because Draco always requested it. Severus personally held high hopes for the boy in that he would not turn out as dark as the world assumed his father was. The boy was a true Gryffindor, after all, and the only two Gryffindor-turn-dark Severus knew of went by the names Sirius Black and Peter Petigrew.

After dinner that night, a large blue owl sitting on his desk greeted Severus.

Severus took the letter the owl was holding and watched it fly off through the window.

He opened it carelessly, not at all bothered by the owl's untimely presence. He had always received owls at odd hours.

The handwriting seemed slightly familiar to Severus, though it's roughness was unlike any he had ever seen. It was almost as if the writer wrote against an uneven surface and hadn't written in so long that a quill felt odd in his hands.

Dear Severus,

Hey, love, long time no see. Look, before you burn this, if you haven't already, I'd like to talk to you.

First, I'm sure that you, like everyone else, believe that I am guilty of betraying my best friend and his family. Severus, you know me, you know that's not true, you know I couldn't have done it.

It was all Wormtail. We all knew there had been a traitor amongst us. We all knew that as Prongs' best friend, I'd be most targeted for information but I would be the best Secret Keeper for them, being so loyal.

None of us ever suspected Wormtail to be a Death Eater. Not in a million years would he have crossed our mind as capable of betrayal. People often overlook the shy and timid, and that was the side of Wormtail that was most familiar to us.

We should have known better.

So, our suspect became a werewolf. And we didn't tell a soul about the switch. I know now we should have at least informed Dumbledore.

As for my promise to never leave you, Sev, I am truly sorry. I had no control over the events of that night, and if I had, I would undoubtedly be with you right now. When this is over, if you'll have me, I will never leave your side again. Not even death will separate us, for in my heart, my love, I never left you.

I love you Severus Snape. You and your big nose.

Sirius

Shaking, Severus placed the letter on his desk. Now, more than ever, he wished he could Apparate in the castle walls.

But he could do the next best thing.

He walked over to the fireplace and threw in a handful of Floo powder.

"The Hog's Head," he said clearly before being sucked in.

He tumbled out of the fireplace and walked quickly to the bartender.

"What'll it be, Professor?"

"The strongest you've got," Severus ordered.

The barkeep looked at him oddly before he reached behind the counter and handed Severus a shot glass and a bottle. The liquid inside had no name; the bottle showed only a skull and crossbones, and it was called poison.

Severus took the items and journeyed to the back of the pub, looking for the darkest corner he could find.

It was occupied.

He took the closest one and sat down.

I love you, Severus Snape. You and your big nose.

Severus shivered as he poured the shot. Sirius had always told him that. He'd always been rather insecure about his nose. Especially when Sirius and friends taunted him about it....

He drank the shot, not noticing the severe burn traveling down his throat, only trying to wash down the memories he couldn't bare to put in a pensive.

"There's a skull and crossbones on that bottle for a reason, you know that, don't you?"

"Do I look like an idiot to you?" Severus asked in response to the person who dare interfere. Especially since this was the person that had taken the one darkest corner in the whole damn pub.

There was something oddly familiar about the harsh voice however. Something... Severus couldn't place what it was that made the voice so hauntingly familiar. It was as if the voice hadn't been used in years almost. It didn't make sense. If this man hadn't used his voice in so long, why would he use it now?

"Actually, you look like you've just received some very disturbing news," the man in the corner continued. "Did you just find out your daughter was pregnant?"

"I have no children, thank you," Severus snapped back. "Besides, even if there was news, I don't see how that is any of your business."

"It isn't," the man agreed. "Unless the news was my letter."

Severus turned in his chair and looked closer at the man in the ragged cloak. The man lit the candle in front of him and leaned closer to it.

Severus' eyes widened in recognition.

"Beautiful thing, the Hog's Head," Sirius said. "They don't care who comes in here."

"What are you doing here?" Severus breathed.

"Having a drink, what are you doing here? I thought you were teaching."

"In Hogsmeade," Severus clarified with a rough voice. "What the bloody hell are you doing in Hogsmeade? This is the first place they'll go to look for you."

"That godson of mine is in danger, Sev. If I don't save him, no one will because no one will know the danger that is sleeping in his very dormitory."

"What are you talking about?"

"Harry's in danger," Sirius said again. "This is the closest place for me if Wormtail decides to attack."

"Wormtail is dead. Every one knows that."

Sirius shook his head, causing his hood to fall off and his wild hair to fly. "He cast the curse that killed 12 Muggles, Sev. He's an Animagus, like Prongs and me. He takes the form of a rat. He cut off his finger, love, that's why the biggest piece of him they could find was a bloody finger.

"That's why I laughed when they took me away. We both knew that in a proper duel, he would never have stood a chance. He wasn't quick enough, so he made damn sure the street heard him accuse me of murder before he committed the act himself. He cut off his finger and attacked the street.

"Then he ran past me."

"How do you know he's after Potter?"

"It's logical. He sent Voldemort after James and Lily and Harry. Voldemort lost his life. Wormtail would kill Harry to seek revenge, and become popular among the Death Eaters again."

"Where is he?"

"Hogwarts."

Severus stared in stunned silence. "How is he at Hogwarts?"

Sirius shrugged. "My guess is that he's still in Animagus form. I saw a photograph in the newspaper recently. This boy and his family. They won this Prophet drawing or something. Anyway, they went to Egypt and had their picture taken. Wormtail was in the picture, Sev."

"Are you trying to tell me that the Death Eater who betrayed Lily and James Potter is in Hogwarts at this very instant? Not only that, but he is in the guise of the rat that belongs to your godson's best friend? What kind of fool do you take me for? If there was truly a Death Eater in the castle, we'd know about it."

"How closely do you look at rats, Severus?" Sirius demanded harshly. "Not close enough if this one slipped by you."

"We would know. Besides, if Wormtail was truly there, and after Potter, wouldn't he have attacked by now?"

"How am I supposed to know the mind of a traitor? That would be your line of understanding, not mine."

"What are you trying to say, Black?"

"You're the one who's betrayed everyone."

"I have betrayed no one."

"Voldemort," Sirius coughed.

Severus rolled his eyes at Sirius' childish behavior. "Some never grow up."

"Usually, they're damn proud of it. Look, if you don't believe me, fine. I'll go to someone else."

Sirius stood to leave. He wrapped his threadbare cloak around him and pulled up the hood, causing the candle to blow out. As he walked past his former lover, the black-eyed man gave a parting remark.

"You're werewolf lover is back in town," Severus spat. "Maybe if you shag him right, he'll believe you."

Sirius stopped a foot away from Severus. Before he could stop himself, the Animagus backhanded the love of his life.

"I never have, and never will, consider Remus Lupin to be anything more than just a friend. You have been the one-and-only ever since I met you, Severus Snape. If I ever hear anything like that from you again, I do not care how I feel about you. Do you understand? I will become the murderer they labeled me. Cold. Ruthless. Merciless. Vicious. Black, like my name. Do I make myself clear?"

"Is that a promise?" Severus asked. He almost wished for death right now. Anything to save him from the coldness of Sirius' voice.

"Consider it so," the man said before a crack signaled his disappearance.

Ignoring his shot glass, Severus brought the bottle of Poison to his lips and drank greedily.

*****

Sirius transformed into his animal self just as the Dementors approached on their hourly run through Hogsmeade. He took off running, not wanting the memories to surface. They ebbed at the back of his mind as he ran to the outskirts of the town. He was on his way to Hogwarts so he could get to the Shrieking Shack.

Once inside the shaky, rundown, abandoned building, Sirius rushed up the stairs to the bedroom. He punched the wall, furious with himself and Severus. How could he have been so...so monstrous? He had behaved the very way the entire wizarding world thought he did. He had threatened Severus. Not only that, but he had physically attacked the man he loved.

Severus doesn't love me, Sirius thought as he sighed heavily. He flung himself onto the old bed and sneezed due to the large amount of dust this one action had caused.

He soon drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

*****

Severus returned to the castle late that night, only to find the dementors waiting. He cursed himself and wished he'd had the sense enough to Floo back to his room, but then he realized he was too drunk for the memories to have much of an effect on him anyway. He briskly walked to the castle and didn't slow his pace until he reached the doors.

He collapsed onto his bed and fell into a drunken sleep, only to be plagued by nightmares.

Just after Final Exams, Sixth year

Sirius quickly walked up to Severus. "You leave him alone," Sirius said in a deadly tone.

Severus feigned innocence. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Black," he replied.

"Oh don't play smart with me, Severus," Sirius snapped. "You've been following Remus around, I've seen you. You have no right, so sod off."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Make sure you regret it if you don't."

"How?"

"Why don't you go to the Whomping Willow at sunset and find out for yourself? If you really want to know what Remus is up to, that is."

What he found when he arrived he would never forget.

"You have to prod the knot at the base of the tree if you want to follow him," Sirius' voice said from the shadows."

"Why are you helping me?" Severus asked, suddenly suspicious.

"Best interest," Sirius replied. He pushed himself off of the tree he was leaning against and walked back to the castle.

Severus looked around for something to prod the knot with. Nothing seemed to be long enough, but perhaps he could get closer to the tree than he wanted. He was far too curious for his own good and wanted to know why the sick Gryffindor disappeared every month.

Right near the full moon, Severus realized as his gaze found its way skyward.

Severus picked up the longest stick he could find. Now that he had his suspicions, he needed them to be confirmed.

He had nearly gotten the stick to the knot when someone pushed him out of the way.

"What the hell are you doing, Snape?" demanded a furious Potter.

"None of your business," Snape spat venomously.

There was a loud howl and Severus gasped.

"He's not down there," Potter said far too quickly.

Disregarding the knowledge that the tree would continue to move and strike at him if he got too close to the base, Severus ran for the trunk of the tree.

He got as far as the passage way when something slammed into him.

Severus found himself being thrown backward and landed hard on the ground.

There was another howl.

Not caring that he had a broken rib, Severus made his way back to the trunk. He had to know.

He made it just a bit further and saw a pair of glowing yellow eyes in the passage way under the Whomping Willow.

The tree had frozen and Severus found himself being pulled away again.

Too soon, the stick James had shoved into the knot had come loose and both sixteen year olds were thrown.

James cried out, his leg was broken. Severus pushed him away and stood up, only to be hit by the willow yet again.

Sirius jerked awake and only just held back a scream. He had never actually left after he told Severus about prodding the knot. He had watched as James had tried to stop Severus and was rewarded with a broken leg. He had watched as Severus continued to put himself in danger by trying to figure out if he had really seen what he had.

He watched until he had had enough.

He Stunned Severus as he ran for the base again and called out for Peter to help him. The soon-to-be-traitor obliged by turning into a rat and running for the tree. Once frozen, Sirius got both James and Severus to safety and went for the Headmaster while Peter stayed with them.

He'd nearly been expelled for that. Most days he wondered why he hadn't been, then figured that Severus was probably right--the Headmaster did favor the Gryffindors. He had been lucky in that he had only received detention for the rest of their sixth year and most of their seventh. Of course, the detention wasn't the greatest. Sirius had been forced to sit through lecture after lecture, perform chore after chore, and, worst of all, learn everything about werewolves, the killings, the punishments, and what happened to the survivors--assuming they were lucky enough to live.

It may not seem like much to some, but for Sirius, those were the worst nine months of his pre-Azkaban life.

Sirius was more than relieved that Severus had found it in his heart to forgive him. Albeit, it took the adolescent the majority of his detention, but eventually the Slytherin warmed up to him, and, well...that had led to many happy years of lust and love, an engagement, and then the worst possible thing to ever happen: James and Lily's deaths.

Sirius couldn't wait for the day he met up with Wormtail again. He couldn't wait for the day that he could actually commit the murder he had been punished for. He couldn't wait to see that little rat die at his hands.

Would Remus help him? Would he believe that Sirius was innocent?

Would Severus?

*****

Sirius was not the only one to suddenly wake from the nightmare. As soon as the dream reached the point Severus found himself unconscious, the potion master also found himself suddenly awake. Though Severus had no trouble at all with any vocal reaction, he was covered in a cold sweat and shaking horribly. That night may have been what ultimately brought Sirius and Severus together, but it was still one of his very worst memories.

Sirius was not the only one to be nearly thrown from the school. Severus, too, had found himself dreading what the headmaster had been about to say. He had been forced into detention as well, for the same amount of time, doing the same exact things. He hadn't entirely understood then, but now he knew that the reasoning behind the detention was to keep him from spilling the news of Lupin's lycanthropy to the school.

And he had made Black feel even worse about what he had done by refusing to let Madam Pomfrey heal his wounds magically. He had insisted on letting his fractured ribs heal the Muggle way, though she wouldn't allow him to go more than a week between visits to the infirmary to see how well they were healing and try, unsuccessfully, to talk him into letting her heal them. After all, it would only be a few seconds and he wouldn't have to keep going to the one place in the castle he hated above all others.

What felt like a good idea for getting back at the one who meant so much to him then seemed like a foolishly dangerous and moronic impression now that he was looking back on the situation.