Damnus Animus

Sirius Black rocked in his lonely Azkaban cell. Everything was dark; the walls were jagged and covered in moss and dirt. Dim light from the window high above shown on a threadbare rag that served as a blanket in the far corner, away from the cell opening.

The black-haired man shivered and wrapped his flimsy Azkaban robes more tightly around him, knowing that the sudden chill was caused by the approaching Dementor.

You killed them!

Sirius shut his eyes, hoping to block out the rat's voice.

Lily and James--Sirius, how could you?

He growled and held his hands tightly over his ears, not realizing that the voice was coming from inside of his mind.

I'LL KILL YOU!

"NO!" Sirius screamed, standing suddenly and throwing a rock at the far wall. The Dementor turned and glided to the bars that kept Sirius inside of his cage, warning him that if he didn't behave, he was sure to have at least one last kiss before dying in this pitiful place.

However, Sirius paid the creature no mind, as his thoughts were far too painful.

You'll be in there until you die, the Aurors told him. Damned traitor.

"I'm not a traitor," Sirius whispered as he rocked. "I'm innocent..."

*****

Severus sighed as he sat down at his desk, a new potions book in hand. He cracked open the aged cover and thumbed through the pages until he found the most difficult potion in the book. The Polymorph potion-originally created for those wishing to become Animagi but didn't know if they were sure because they had no knowledge of what being an animal was like. It was nearly identical to the Polyjuice potion, except that it lasted longer and was meant for animal transformations. The potion took nearly twice as long to brew and was far more complex. Severus was sure that not even Granger could pull that one off.

Severus was just considering an attempt of the potion when a knock on the door was heard and the headmaster walked in.

"Severus, I have something I wish to discuss with you," the aged man said as he sat down on the other side of Severus' desk.

Welcome, Severus thought sarcastically. Won't you please make yourself at home? "What about?" he asked.

"The Defense Against the Dark Arts position," Dumbledore clarified.

"Are you finally giving me the job?" Severus asked.

"I have appointed Remus Lupin as this year's Defense professor."

"What?" Severus hissed, disgusted. "Sir, he is a dangerous creature and is not to be trusted," Severus continued. "How can you hire him?"

"He needs the job," Dumbledore said simply. "As you need yours. Do not reveal his lycanthropy," the headmaster requested. "Doing so may mean losing yours."

*****

He couldn't take it anymore, he had to get out of this retched, rotting hellhole. Unable to do anything more at the moment, however, he quickly shrank into the form of the dog he knew inside and out. It was this form that ensured his sanity. It was this form he would forever be grateful to.

They would be coming soon, those damn Azkaban guards. Dementors. They'd be here to give him his six o'clock meal.

Or shall we say an excuse for a meal; after all, this pathetic mesh of vitamins and minerals necessary for survival could scarcely be called food.

The door opened, and he slipped away, not thinking; only feeling. This was his chance. This was his only way of escape.

He ran as fast as he could away from the building until he reached the end of the island where he jumped into the icy sea water and swam as fast and as far as he could, not stopping even when his muscles were ready to give out, ignoring the burning, the weakness. Letting the tide drag him home.

Home....

He had to get back.

He had no choice.

Harry was in danger.

Harry needed him.

He touched land.

Not knowing, nor caring, were the next town or village was, Sirius dragged his paws along, hoping that he would soon come to a place with a meal and a dry place to sleep.

He was weak, drained in every sense of the word. Physically, mentally, spiritually, he could go no farther. He was a hollow shell with one firm belief.

Harry was in danger....

Danger was a rat....

A rat was Wormtail....

Wormtail was the reason Voldemort knew about James and Lily....

Voldemort was the reason James and Lily were dead....

Sirius collapsed on the dirt road, miles from safety.

*****

Severus Snape was sitting in his dark dungeon bedroom, staring at the newspaper in front of him. The headlines couldn't be true...they just couldn't! Not now! Not with everything else going on!

So far, the year was shaping up to be a nightmare. Not only was the impossible happening, but the inconceivable was as well! Remus Lupin--a werewolf who had tried to kill him--would be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts--a job that Severus had been applying for for years!--and Sirius Black had just escaped from Azkaban! How was that possible? There was no way could this be happening! Was someone playing a cruel joke?

Severus threw an empty jar against the jagged stone wall in front of him.

How can they both be back, he thought, helplessly.

With all these recent happenings, Severus half expected James and Lily Potter to come bursting through the door, demanding to know why their son received such a low grade in Potions.

He nearly laughed, despite the thousands of raging emotions inside of him.

Why Black? Of all the people that could ever escape from Azkaban Prison, why did Black have to be the one to do it? Why not Bellatrix or Dolohov? Not that that would be good for the general population, but it would be for him. After all, the only connection Severus had with either of them was their common Death Eater pasts. Unlike Black, they had never gotten close.

He could handle Bellatrix or Dolohov, just as he could handle Remus Lupin (albeit that would be the hardest thing he'd done since become spy during the war) but he almost cried at the knowledge that Black was running free once more.

Once, Black had been everything to Severus. He'd been there for him for years before someone had gone and ruined everything. Severus and all the other Inner Circle Death Eaters had all known that Wormtail gave the directions to the Potter's house, but wasn't Black their Secret Keeper?

And yet, that didn't make sense. Even if Black had been the Keeper, Wormtail could not have divulged the location of the Potters to the Dark Lord. Unless Black had written it down....

There was a knock on the door and the headmaster walked in as Severus looked up.

"I see you have heard," Professor Dumbledore noted sitting at the desk.

"Yes," Severus replied roughly. "I've heard."

"What an interesting coincidence this is," the headmaster remarked softly.

"Are you sure hiring Lupin was such a good idea?" Severus asked. "If Black truly is after Potter, Lupin may help him into the castle. They're best friends after all and--"

"I do not believe Remus Lupin could do such a thing."

"But he's a werewolf! He's dangerous! You shouldn't trust him, sir."

"Just as some say I should not trust you?"

Severus was speechless. True, most would shun him if he asked for a job, but only if they knew of his past. So far, the only people who knew were few other Death Eaters and the Hogwarts staff.

"He tried to kill me, remember? At only 16 years old, the man tried to kill me."

"As per my understanding, Severus, it was Sirius Black who lead you to the Whomping Willow nearly two decades ago. Now I know I am an old man, but I was under the impression that my memory was indeed intact."

The Headmaster of Hogwarts stood and looked at the newspaper on the desk. "He looks horrible..." he remarked softly. "Not recognizable in the least...."

Severus had to disagree with that. It was a weak disagreement, as Black was indeed unrecognizable to most, but those eyes.... Those crystal blue eyes alone told Severus who that man was.

"Also," Dumbledore continued, returning both he and Severus to the conversation, "Remus Lupin is in desperate need of this job, and he is horrible at potion making. I must say, that is your strong point in this world. And the Defense does use a lot of that...foolish wand waving, as you so affectionately call it. He is also highly qualified, having fought in the war."

"He shouldn't work here." Severus insisted grudgingly.

"You will find, Severus, that I rarely ask permission as to what I decide to do with my school, and if those words come out of your mouth again, I will suspend you from teaching for a reasonable amount of time, without pay. Now, put aside these petty arguments and get over your past with this man. You will be working at his side for the next ten months or so."

"I hardly see how attempted murder is petty, sir."

"When you dwell on it and complain as though you were 6 years-old, it is petty."

"But--"

"Not another word, Severus. Now I expect you to behave while Remus is employed at this school. Do not reveal the nature of his condition to anyone, and, if you wouldn't mind, brew the Wolfsbane Potion for him monthly."

The headmaster left then, leaving Severus to his fury.

*****

Panting, Sirius ran into Surrey. It had taken him weeks to reach it, and he had to remember exactly where it was that Harry's aunt and uncle lived. He had almost reached the street when he saw James dragging his trunk down the street.

No, Sirius thought, looking closer. A nearby street lamp lit up the boy's face as he passed under it. Green eyes! Not James, Sirius realized, eyes widening. That was Harry!

The boy looked at his wand as Sirius wondered what was going on. Was he running away?

He opened his trunk and began looking for something. Sirius inched closer, in awe at the sight of his best friend's son. He had to be, what, 12? 13 years old? Had he really been in Azkaban that long?

Harry stood up suddenly and Sirius shrank back into the shadows.

" Lumos " Harry whispered, and light shown on Sirius.

Harry stepped back, clearly freaked out, and stumbled over his trunk.

BANG!

The Night Bus appeared and Harry only just got out of the way. Sirius' heart raced as the realization that he'd almost failed James.

Sirius disappeared back into the night before Harry could look back for another glance. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Harry would notice that something had been watching him, he was born in a war after all.

But Merlin, he looked exactly like James! Well, except that he had Lily's green eyes. It was remarkable....

He had a wand, so he must be going to Hogwarts. Wasn't Severus teaching at Hogwarts? Sirius had read about the appointment in the Prophet more than ten years ago that Dumbledore had hired Severus after his trial. How did he feel teaching the son of his greatest rival? He must hate it, Sirius decided, becoming human once again.

He Apparated to Hogsmeade and became a dog once more. The town looked deserted, even if it was near midnight. As he trotted down past Honeydukes, he noticed a piece of paper attached to the window.

His face blinked slowly at him under the tangle of severely matted hair. The picture was taken only a month ago...is that what he really looked like? He didn't recognize himself at all. There wasn't even a shadow of his former self in that face. 12 years...was it really that long?

Sirius continued along the road until he couldn't handle it any longer. In a fit of despair, he howled at the full moon, wondering if Moony was doing the same somewhere out there.

Wondering if Severus could hear his agony....

*****

Severus couldn't sleep. Sirius had been free for two weeks, and the term was about to start.

How could that monster, Lupin, be teaching this year? How could he have been chosen? Damn the bastard. Damn him and his abnormality that gave him gold here.

And damn Sirius, but only if he--no, damn him no matter what. Sirius had broken a very important promise that day, along with it, Severus' heart. There was no excusing the man for what he did. Nothing could change the past, but certain people could be punished for it in the present.

Severus hoped he'd be the wizard to catch the escaped convict, if only to see the look on Black's face when his former lover turned him over to the Azkaban guards, now stationed around the borders of Hogwarts.

Severus damned them as well; after all, he was flooded by memories of him and Black every time he had to pass them to go to Hogsmeade or Apparate to London. It almost made him wish the Apparation blocks weren't established in every room on every wall, floor, and ceiling. He would almost rather take a full forced Death Eater attack (with them knowing he was a traitor) than have to relive the memories.

Yet he could not see how Black could do such a thing. He could not conceive of Black betraying those closest to him. It just was not possible, and yet...he was the one who lured Severus to the Whomping Willow.

He walked outside, restless and in need of a good dose of Firewiskey.

As he neared the front gate, he began to feel the memories surface...

September 23, Seventh Year

Severus walked around the corner, intent on being the first to his potions class and stopped as soon as he saw who was standing there.

Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin.

Lupin.

Severus' blood ran cold.

All three stopped and locked eyes with the Slytherin. The corridor grew silent with sudden anticipation.

Severus looked at each teen in turn, starting with Potter, the leader. Cold blue eyes stared back into empty black ones.

Severus looked at Lupin. Fury radiated from him as he glared at the werewolf. Three months had passed, and Severus still had wounds that hadn't healed--from the tree, thankfully.

He then turned his attention to the most charming member of the four. Sirius Black, whose younger brother was currently in Slytherin.

There was something different about Sirius' blue eyes. They were different, not like they had been in the last six years. There was no pure loathing, no anger, nothing bad.

In those eyes, there was guilt, remorse, sorrow, and something else Severus didn't understand. For those eyes held lust. Of all things, Sirius Black was looking at Severus Snape with lust in his blue eyes.

Potter and Lupin looked away and left, but Sirius did not join them.

"Library," he said so quietly, only Severus could hear him. "Ten o'clock. I have something I want to say to you."

He then walked away, and Severus went to class.

That night, he went to the library, going against all his wishes and better judgment, but not his heart.

Sirius was already waiting for him when he entered and in the back of his mind, Severus wondered if this was another trap.

"You came," Sirius acknowledged, sitting down at one of the tables. Severus sat opposite him and nodded once.

"What do you want, Black?" he asked coldly.

Sirius winced. "S'pose I deserve that," he whispered. "I want to tell you why, er..."

"Snape," Severus said, knowing Sirius wanted to use his name and not wanting Sirius to get the wrong idea. "And why what?"

Sirius nodded and continued. "Why we were so..."

"Stupid, ignorant, foolish, careless, naive, insensitive, infuriating, cold, heartless, shallow...need I go on?"

"No, and thank you for clearing all that up for me. I've always wondered what you thought of us."

"If you're going to be a smart ass, Black, I'll be taking my leave."

"No!" he rushed. "No, please, don't leave."

"Then get serious."

"Right, I am sorry for the last six years--can I please use your first name?"

Severus sighed and nodded.

"Thank you, Severus.

"Look, for the last six years, we were stupid, ignorant fucks. We honestly didn't know right from wrong. We--Prongs and I--were the smartest in our year. But along with that, we were boys. Stupid boys with power and knowledge. Severus, we were horrible, and I know that an apology is not enough to pay you back for all the shit you put up wit from us."

"Especially after what you and that damned monster tried to do to me."

"He had nothing to do with that. None of them did. That was me, and me alone, Severus, so please, leave them out."

"Then why did you do it?"

"I don't know," Sirius said, closing his eyes and holding his head in his hands. "I was mad at everyone and everything. My uncle died, my family shunned me, and I'd just run away from home, Moony had been a jerk, Prongs was ignoring me for Evans, and Wormtail was distant.... Everything that could go wrong was going wrong and I took it out on you, hoping to hit two birds with one stone. You had nothing to do with my choice other than be my usual target."

"Why are you telling me this?" Severus asked after a moment of silence. "Why not let me hate you forever?"

Sirius looked directly into Severus' black eyes. "Because I love you," he said. Severus had no choice but to believe him.

*****

Because I love you.

Sirius looked away from that white giant and trotted down a familiar path to a familiar place.

He froze, however, when he saw the Azkaban guards patrolling the parameter of what was once his home. Merlin, did Dumbledore honestly allow this? The Albus Dumbledore he knew would never allow such a creature to patrol his borders.

He looked over the rest of the view and froze again when his eyes passed upon a dark figure.

This one was different than he others. It was obviously a man. And that build.... Sirius knew that figure. He'd known every inch of it at one point. He used to be able to see every scar, nook and cranny of that figure.

The nose was his favorite part. Long and hooked, yes, but beautiful just the same.

So he was still teaching here.

I love you, Sirius thought, turning away from the castle. And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break such and important promise.

*****

Severus gave up on the memories and turned to go back when he heard the howl in the distance.

Worried, he looked up at the night sky and cursed. Full moons meant werewolves, and Severus made it a rule to avoid werewolves at all costs. As would anyone else who'd been through what he'd been through.

Again, there was a howl. Severus stopped and listened this time, noting that the howl was not that of a werewolf, or any other wolf for that matter. That was a dog's howl.

Dogs. Severus loathed dogs almost as much as he despised werewolves.

Sirius had been a dog in Animagus form. The only likeness between that dog and that man--besides hair color--had been those eyes. That dog had Sirius' icy blue eyes. Not icy as in cold, dear God no, icy in color only, for Sirius Black could never have a cold heart.

At least the old Sirius Black could never have a cold heart.

This one, the one who betrayed the Potters, seemed to have the coldest heart imaginable. Especially now that he's come after the last living Potter.

They were two different people, the Marauder and the Convict. Their looks were completely different. The Marauder had been clean cut, smiling, gorgeous.... The Convict, however, was shaggy, stone-faced, and almost vampiric.

Only those eyes held any clue that the two were the same man. Those shining icy blue eyes that could tell you anything and everything, or nothing at all, with just a simple glance. Those eyes had held so much love and worry the last time Severus had seen them. Worry over James, Lily and Harry; love for Severus and the events of the night before news came of their deaths.

Severus continued walking into the castle, ignoring the next howl and the memories they tried so desperately to drag to the surface.