Malfoy's Mutability Matrix

'...And as one can see, the serendipitous experience of being catapulted into I-space has allowed us to prove arithmantically the possibility of Malfoy's Mutability Matrix. Proofs for this theory have already been presented to the Esteemed Guild of Arithmancers in Ankh Morpork and to the Institut de la Cosmologie et Astrophysique in Paris.'

'But working on that revelation, we have chosen to propose a fresh set of ideas relating to cosmology, which my colleague Mr Draco Malfoy has very unchar--I mean , very kindly, allowed me to present under my own name. However, I think this would be unethical, and therefore I ask that any credit due to the following paper must be shared equally between my colleague and me...' Hermione Granger beamed at the room, no doubt imagining herself to be speaking in the vaulted Amphitheatre at Unseen University rather than in the small classroom in the Hogwarts School Witchcraft and Wizardry, where she currently was. The room was lit by a few Ever-Burning torches suspended at intervals along the rough-hewn walls that dated from when the castle had first been built.

Completely unaffected by her uninspiring surroundings, Hermione had never felt more animated or excited, as she energetically put forth her research paper to her captive audience, consisting of Professors Sinistra and Vector, and her co-researcher, the very Malfoy whose name their theory bore.

A stray bat roosting in the ancient beams of the room would have been extremely intrigued to note, (had he been a student-of-human-nature kind of bat, that is) that one of the occupants of the classroom looked distinctly unhappy. This was none other than the co-researcher himself, who far from being proud at being one of the youngest Arithmancers to have a theory named after him, seemed be trying desperately to sink as low is in his seat as the unforgiving angles of his gothic chair would let him.

The light glittered enchantingly on said boy's golden head, as his colouring was particularly suited to torch-light, which hollowed out delicious shadows and planes on his face. But while on other days he may have angled his neck at the precise degree that would cause the mirrors on the wall (or indeed any stray roosting bats) to try and commit inappropriate acts with his person, today he seemed completely indifferent to his surroundings. He studiously avoided looking at the animated figure of Hermione Granger, who was now casting fluoro-symbols on one of the walls in preparation of her lecture, and seemed engrossed in the close study of his boots. Our friend the bat would have noted without qualms that the boots were indeed very nice (Gryphon scale, handmade in Florence) and that they suited the sprawling boy very well indeed. But really, the bat would also have wondered, why, unless he were a secret contributor to the fashion column of Witches Weekly, was young Malfoy so interested in his boots when such important arithmantic events were taking place? For indeed, one could perceive that the energetically erudite Miss Granger, having finished casting the last symbol on the magically whitened wall, had now once again opened her mouth to speak.

Our enterprising friend the bat, would have heard at this point a groan, rather despairing, which made Professor Sinistra look rather sternly at poor Professor Vector, who, poor dear, being rather deaf, hadn't heard a thing.

'In Muggle Astrophysics today, one of the most exciting theories proposed to explain our universe, is the Standard Cosmology Model, henceforth SCM. As we know the SCM relies on dark matter to generate sufficient forces that would make the current visible universe coherent. This had led to the speculative existence of many theoretical particles: such as Leptons and Neutralinos. However, as proved by Malfoy's Mutability Matrix, and by Simon's I-Space Speculation, it is possible for I -space to infringe on the natural universe, hence every time a particle is speculated beyond the I-threshold, it actually comes into being. Normally this threshold, also called the Conjuration Level I-Threshold, or C.L.I.T, is seldom found, or even touched by ordinary Muggles.'

'However, due to the popularity of layman science, through the works of such banished wizards as Professor Hawkins, and the internet, many more Muggles are now able to partake in Speculation of Extraordinary Cosmic Size, or S.E.C.S and many of them are able to reach C.L.I.T. Even W.I.M.Ps, or Weakly Interacting Massive Particles. Quite often this is because of the sheer quantity of the speculation rather than its precision. The C.L.I.T stimulation happens, as it were, by accident, but happen it does.'

Unaware of how Professor Sinistra was gazing at her in shocked disbelief, Hermione continued: ' This in turn leads to a Powerful Ordinary Layman's Effluvium or P.O.L.E, consisting of stray particles like Leptons and Nuetralinos, to enter the Current Universal Natural Totality, also called-'

'Yes, yes, Miss Granger, we get the acronym! Kindly proceed!' Our friend the bat would have now noticed that Professor Sinistra looked as if she either had a really full bladder, or as if a broomstick had found a resting place in her alimentary canal. Professor Vector, being hard of hearing, had hardly paid attention to the talking and was staring lovingly at the complex Arithmancy revolving lazily on the wall.

If Hermione was surprised at this less than charitable response from her favourite professor, she did not show it and continued blithely on.

'Very well, Professor! Thaumatons, or magical particles, which are the actual so called 'dark matter' that Muggles are so desperately looking for, react rather badly to this invasion, especially by the W.I.M.Ps. This can be seen clearly by this arithmantic model reconstruction!' and Hermione pointed proudly with her wand to the wall where a line of symbols joined up lazily into a complex equation.

Professor Vector clapped; Professor Sinistra seemed to be having trouble breathing and Malfoy was so low in his seat that he was in danger of slipping off. Also, the bat would have noted that his ears were rather red. (Malfoy's, not the bat's.)

Hermione flicked her bushy hair behind her shoulder and continued 'Mr Malfoy and I have suggested that some Thaumatons, react particularly badly to these newly speculated particles. Such Terribly Irritable Thaumatons or T.I.Ts, are an unknown quantity in our proposed model of Forcibly Unmade Cosmic Kinetics which we wish to present to the august guild!'

Hermione finished triumphantly, brown eyes flashing, cheeks flushed, knowing that a Flamel prize nomination was but a couple of weeks away. She grinned as Professor Vector stood up to applaud her, and then turned her surprised gaze to the agitated figure of Professor Sinistra who was trying to make herself heard over the loud groaning of Malfoy and the enthusiastic clapping of the Arithmancy Professor.

'Verity!' said Sinistra, and then louder: 'VERITY!'

Finally a distant voice seemed to have penetrated the brain of Professor Vector. 'What is it, my dear Sally?' she asked excitedly. 'It was excellent was it not? I have never seen more perfect Arithmancy. The cosmic beauty; the absolute perfection! Oh, I knew these two would make me proud! I see Flamels, my dear, Flamels all around! Don't you?'

'Er-yes, that is, one must--speak to headmaster-- I must--er, Severus might-' Sinistra looked around, flustered. (This may, in part, have been due to her dismay at having revealed to two of her students that her rather spectacular last name came with such a kitten of a name like 'Sally'. How she had wished as a child to have been Gorgonzola, or a Mozzarella or at least an Emmental...)

She pounced on the hapless Malfoy who was trying urgently to turn invisible without the aid of an Invisibility cloak.

'Mr Malfoy, have you any suggestion you wish to make to your partner? ANY suggestions at all?' Sinistra asked, waggling her eyebrows repressively at the boy. (Waggling eyebrows repressively is almost impossible to do, and can only be performed by bony Astronomy Professors who have the strength of will to pull out forty recalcitrant students out of bed each night of the week at midnight.)

'No, Professor,' said Malfoy unhappily, 'in fact I will be very happy to give the entire credit of these theories to Granger. She is the-' and the next words seemed to be burning his throat as he said them- 'sole brain behind them.'

'Oh no, Malfoy,' Hermione spoke from the front of the room where she was busy retracting the swirling symbols into her wand. 'I really couldn't! Agreed the theoretical speculation is mine, but the arithmantic proofs are yours, and I really wouldn't have thought along these lines had it not been for Malfoy's Mutability Matrix!'

She pulled in the last swirling number and turned to smile toothily at her audience. 'I'm afraid this F.U.C.K model is an equal collaboration between Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, Professors!'