Lodestar

Where are you tonight? So long it has been since I have seen your face, your eyes haunted by that which has marked your life. Eyes that I love, even in darkness and pain, because I could always see myself reflected so clearly in them. It is in those eyes that my true self lies, hidden from the world. Yes, others may sense, or even guess, but you know. You know and yet you do not turn away. Should it surprise you that I always loved you best?

I couldn't save you from your fate--the cold dark walls of Azkaban, constantly under the supervision of the dementors, every moment wishing they would perform their kiss and give you release. I wanted to--forgive me, Sirius, I wanted to. But who will trust a man who is only a man by day? Who will trust a man whose nature it is to rip and tear and kill by the light of the full moon? No one. And how could I tell them the truth? To tell them about Peter would have destroyed us all, and I alone remained unscathed...to the eye.

I have wounds that cannot be seen by eyes alone.

The day they announced your escape, I felt as if I had been the one who had broken free from those walls. To know you weren't broken, to know that you hadn't given up...everything else disappeared and all I cared about was seeing your face again, hearing your voice...seeing myself reflected again in those eyes. Going back to Hogwarts was one of the hardest things I have ever done, especially in light of what had happened since we left those halls. Memories of James came flooding back, so hard, so forceful that I became physically ill. All the nights spent roaming the castle, the grounds...the secret trips to Hogsmeade. James and Lily's wedding, and the birth of their son. When I saw Harry, Sirius, it was as if I was meeting James for the first time all over again. I wanted to tell him everything--what a wonderful man his father was, about the woman his mother was...but mostly I wanted to tell him about you. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't your fault--that you had tried to save them, but failed. I wanted to take him by the shoulders and make him understand that there was still someone out there who cared for him enough to sacrifice a life for him, to sacrifice their life for him. I guess he knows that now.

Seeing you again was the single greatest joy in my life, Sirius, even though the circumstances were not what I would have had them be. For those few brief moments I felt alive again--I felt like The Marauders were alive again. I knew that Dumbledore would clear you, and we could be together. Then that dream was shattered like so many others before it, and you were taken from me for a second time. So close, and yet so far, as they say. Do you know that I watch the skies in hopes that you will return to me? If only by words alone--just to have a sign, a fragment of hope to hang onto in the night...

Come back to me.

Even as you remain in hiding, I have faith. I believe that someday you will be freed from your shackles, that your name will be cleared. I believe that you will be a part of my life again, and I pray that day comes soon. In my dreams I can see us running together--a great black dog in long, lean strides and a wolf close behind trying to keep up with leaps and bounds. Someday I will catch you.

Until then, we live our lives in exile--me because of what I am, and you because of what you are not.