So, You Wanna Be a Death Eater, Eh?

Message from the President of the Dark Lord Corporation (est. 1970 anno domini), Lord Voldemort:

Welcome potential associates of the most dark and evil corporation in the universe. Congratulations for wanting to join our wicked team of highly skilled Death Eaters, Giants, Dementors, and other equally wicked beasts and beings. We have had a very long and succesful heritage here at Death Eaters Incoporated (if you are a non PUREBLOOD wizard please refer to a booklet appropriate for your specie, and if you are a 'wizard' but not Pureblood, please immidiately refer to me, Lord Voldemort, for a one-on-one meating session MWAHAHAHAHAHA), a wizard part of the Dark Lord Corporation. We have over 13 units, and are proud to say that we are business partners with other evil corporations, most of them situated in the colony (former my ass), like Microsoft Corporation, Nortel, and GAP. For over 25 year, Dark Lord Corporation has been a name British fear. We have a unique position in this country and a unique relationship with our 'customers' (MWAHAHAHAHA).

Thank you for choosing us, instead of that pathetic excuse of existance, Dumbledore's Order of Some Stupid Birdie. I wish you best in success and supporting the continued growth of our company.

President & C.O.O., Dark Lord Corporation

Lord Voldemort

Now that you have read this, you ought to ask yourself if you are right for our company. Belatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy have composed this quiz to help you find that out.

1. What's your blood like?

a) I am a Muggle/Mudblood born (please immediately refer to Lord Voldemort, for a one-on-one meating session MWAHAHAHAHAHA)

b) I am a Half Blood

c) I am a Pureblood (please provide us with your birth certificate, dark literature which presents your ancestors in light as gruesome as possible, credit card number, and a blood sample so we can verify your claim)

2. Are you evil?

a) No, I am good.

b) My bum hurts from sitting on the fence for so long.

c) I am Lucifer, or should I say Lucius, incarnate.

3. What do you think about Muggles?

a) I *heart* Muggles. :-) I have a shirt to prove it.

b) Some are all right, I guess.

c) KILL!!! HACK, HACK, HACK!!!

4. If you had to date one of these Muggle celebrities, which one would you choose?

a) Mother Theresa/Dalai Lama

b) Cameron Diaz/Jude Law

c) Martha Stewart/Adolf Hitler

5. What does that bumper sticker on your family broom say?

a) Dumbledore Loves You... Just Not in THAT Way

b) Druids Rock

c) Harry Potter and the Time He Got Killed

6. And finally, do you think Lucius Malfoy would still have such lucious hair if he didn't use Pantene Pro-V? (YUB ENETNAP!!!)

a) Yes... yuck, yuck, I am stupid

b) Probably not

c) Of course not! How dare thee?

RESULTS:

mostly a:

You are a worthless excuse for a human being. Please report to Lord Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange, or Lucius Malfoy for torture. If any of them are busy when you come, please take a number, and wait in our lobby where you can read the new issue of Witch Weekly or indulge in some free tea and biscuits (courtesy of the house!).

mostly b:

While you do show a considerable amount of talent and quality, you are not what we're looking for. Try being more evil and then come again. In the meantime, report to any registred employee of Death Eater Inc for a Crucio.

mostly c:

Lord Voldemort wants you!

About us:

Mission Statement:

To make a difference in Britain, and world eventually, by decimating the population of Muggles and Mudblood-born, while abusing the rest for fun (read torture) and slavery.

Our vision is:

World where a person is judged not on their personality and deeds, but on their blood.

Our service value proposition is:

We will provide slow, painful, and deadly torture that will leave you screamin'!!!

We Are:

President & C.O.O. - Lord Voldemort, formerly known as Sir Killalot

His Personalized Servant and Suck-Up - Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew

C.E.O.s - Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange

Imperius Curse Specialist - Rabanstan Lestrange

Crucius Curse Specialist - Rodolphus Lestrange

Itch-In-an-Uncomfortable-Place Curse Specialist: Bob Avery

Inhuman Resources/Newbie Trainer (here popularly known as your 'buddy') - Theodore's Dad Nott

Blood Sweepers and Washroom Cleaners (here popularly known as the Brains of the Operation - remember, every team player is valuable, no matter how small their part is... NOT!) - Crab Crabbe and Gargoyle Goyle

Resident Potion Maker/Cafeteria Co-Ordinator - Severus 'Jamie Oliver' Snape

Resident Nurse/Vet - Walden MacNair

Secretary - Bob Jugson

Door Greeter - Antonin Dolohov

Contact:

Phone - 666-666-1313

Fax - 666-666-6666

E-Mail - [email protected]

Or visit us at the WWW, where we are open 24/7 - http://www.VeryEvilSiteWhichWillProbablyKillYouHaventYouSeenTheMovieFearDotComQuestionMark.com

Work Categories and Pay:

Part-Time - 0-168 hours a week, depending on how murderous Lord Voldemort feels

Full-Time - 28-168 hours a week, depending on how murderous Lord Voldemort feels.

Part-Time is paid seven Galleons an hour. Full-Time is paid twelve Galleons an hour. Overtime is counted if you work more than 168 hours a week (meaning you go back in time to do extra work for Lord Voldemort).

Associate Discount:

We have discount of 20% at every store in the universe. If staff at the store disagrees with our policy hex them. Please abuse your privilege.

Your Guide to Safety:

We don't care.

Union:

Yes, we all part of a large evil union, who takes away 95% of your paycheck and does pretty much nothing to help you, except side with your superiors.

Dress code:

Black Pants. Black dress shoes with steel toes (you've gotta keep those piggies safe in case any heavy object falls on your feet). Black socks. Black underwear (we will check!) Black undershirt. Black Shirt. Black Cloak. Black gloves. Black heart.

We will provide you with a mask.

Punishment Procedure:

Once either of our C.E.O.s offers you to sign your life and freedom over to us (meaning once we offer you job with us), you will be given a booklet of crimes punishable by the Code of Dark Lord Corporation. The crimes are divided in three categories, based on the severity of the punishment: Category A - Must Accompany Narcissa Malfoy When She Is Shopping, Category B - Crucio Worthy, and Category C - Death by being worn out while shopping with Narcissa Malfoy. Just to give you a gist of things, some punishable offences are: speaking of Dumbledore in good terms, mentioning hair in any context in front of Lord Voldemort (he is very sensitive aobut his alopecia), and killing your Death Eater partner by 'accident' because they screwed your wife.

In order to be considered for the job, please provide us your resume. Please have it typed. Here is an example of a good resume.

Lucius Alaric Bradford Malfoy

666 Winding Road

Malfoytown

Wiltshire, UK

OBJECTIVE: To kill and torture as many Muggles as time provides as I am a very busy many who hardly finds time to attend to his luscious hair, gorgeous nails, and sexy body.

EDUCATION: 1965-1971 Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and

Wizardry

House: Slytherin, of course

OWLS: DADA, Potions, Transfiguration, Astronomy,

Beautification Magic

Emmerged at top of his class in the subject of

Beautification Magic

WORK EXPERIENCE:

1971-Present Dark Lord Corporation

1972-1992 Governor of Hogwarts (damn Potter!)

INTERESTS AND HOBBIES:

I am just a really regular guy who likes to indulge in music (Coldplay, Franz Ferdinand, and Muse), reading (Dostoevsky, Lord Byron, and Anne Rice), occasional hardcore BDSM, reality TV (who else watched Rob and Amber's wedding?), house-elf torture, travelling, Muggle torture, and collecting antique iron maidens. I am a proud father of the slimiest git at Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy, and luckiest husband in the world, because I am married to beautiful Narcissa (except for the times she thinks that she should take me shopping... or at those times she assumes that I want to listen to her and Mrs Macnair discuss butts at the Quidditch games).

Now, this is an example of a bad resume. If your resume resembles this one, please report to Narcissa Malfoy for a Sunday morning shopping session. Yes, she forces all the shop keepers to open up shops just for her.

Now this resume is in no way tinkered or fiddled with by, oh, I don't know, Lucius Malfoy?

Arthur 'Idiot' Weasley

One room

Worst part of Britain

Uhmm... I don't know what country I live in..

OBJECTION: wotz abjection duh??

EDUCATION: eye got sum warts wen eye saw a hog oink oink i luv

makin dat sound

eye waz in stinkfindor eye didnt get any oulz eye am 2

poor 2 afford ouls

EXPERIENCE: helpin oogly n stoopin moogles oink oink eye luv

mooglez beecuz eye am so dum

INTERESTS AND HOBBIES: yuk yuk eye am so dum... i ran out of

things 2 tok 2 my fat (n not fat wid ph) wyfe... eye hav 20

kids... yuk yuk.... eye luv dumbledore we r goin 2 get

married... my umbrella is smaller then da 1 dat His Royal

Highness Lucius Malfoy haz...

Please answer the following questions and present them with your resume. Just to make things easier for you, we provided answer to them on this copy so you know what your answer should look like. If you still have any questions, owl us. (NOTE: if your IQ is similar to the one of Crabbe and Goyle, or lower, which we doubt, because in that case you would be filling out an application for Stinkidore's Order of the Large Ugly Byrd, DO NOT copy the answers that are provided on this copy, but answer filling out YOUR OWN information).

Name: Draco Ulysses Malfoy-Black

DOB: June 5th, 1980

Why do you want to work for Dark Lord Corporation? Because Father wants me to, so I could escape going shopping with Mother, and so I could kill Harry Potter.

Why do you want to kill Harry Potter? Because he beats me in Quidditch all the time, and then Father tells me I am a disappointment.

How would you kill Harry Potter? I'd put on my blood-repelling robes and stabs him from the back. Preferably while he's sleeping...

Why should we choose you? Because my Fahter promised to each of you Nimber 3000.

Can you perform the three Unforgivable curses? Of course!

Are you available to work overnight (you get paid 25% more)? Probably.

Well too bad if you are not available, because we'll kill you. That said, would you prefer full time or part time? I'd like to start part time first and then see how it's going.

Can we have your life? Sure. I mean, I dated Pansy Parkinson. What can happen to me that is worse than that?

Thank you so much for taking your time to consider Dark Lord Corporation as one of your options in this sea of work opportunities. Please owl in your resume with answered questions. Give four to six weeks for your application to be processed. If you are rejected, we will call you in for torture and then kill your wife and kids. If you are accepted, then we will call you in for an interview and orientation with your 'Buddy'. Thank you.