Unforgivable Promises

Unforgivable Promises

Chapter 26

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"Absolutely not," Severus said. "Under no circumstances will you risk entering the Dark Lord's mind again." He went into the Headmaster's office and returned moments later carrying a Pensieve. He handed the artifact to Harry. "Must you always choose the most difficult path?"

Suppressing a blush, Harry took the Pensieve. "Hadn't thought of that." With practiced ease, Harry drew the thread of his memory out and placed it in the dish, then set the Pensieve on the table.

"Well, shall we see what there is to see?" McGonagall asked. "We can worry about taking specific notes later."

"Are you all going to watch?" Harry asked. He was a bit uncomfortable with the thought of his three professors all diving into his memories.

"Of course, Mr. Potter," McGonagall replied. "The more minds on this, the better, I should think." Nodding in agreement, Flitwick climbed on a chair and joined the woman peering into the Pensieve.

"I have a working knowledge of runes," Severus said, holding back, "but Professors Flitwick and McGonagall are more proficient. If you would prefer, I will not invade your memories."

"Do you want to?" Harry asked. Severus's hand twitched toward his forearm. "You can if you want. You have a right to see what he did to you."

"Perhaps," Severus said. "But it is still your memory."

"Oh, my," Flitwick said, his attention back in the present. "Oh, dear." The small man slumped into his chair.

McGonagall, too, had emerged. She looked pale, and gazed mournfully at Harry as she nearly fell into a seat.

"Did you see anything useful, Minerva?" Severus asked. When she did not respond, he asked again.

"Pardon? Oh. No. No, nothing useful." McGonagall stared at the table, then looked again at Harry. "Oh, Harry. To live with such a memory." She stood and hugged Harry tightly. He could feel her trembling and suspected she was more in need of his support than wanting to give him hers. Still confused about her answer, though, Harry looked questioningly at Severus. He was frowning at the Pensieve and must have sensed Harry's gaze, as he turned to look at him. Getting answers from McGonagall and Flitwick seemed a lost cause. Harry nodded to Severus, who stepped over the Pensieve and stared into it.

To Harry's relief, Professor McGonagall collected herself, though the look of pity she gave Harry was one he would be happy to never see again. He only had to wait a few minutes for Severus to stir. Unlike the other two, he showed no emotion as he handed the Pensieve back to Harry.

"Your attention was too strongly drawn to the Dark Lord's chanting and his emotional state. I cannot make out the lines from the Mark as they were burned in."

"Oh," Harry said. He had no real idea how the Pensieve worked, but Severus seemed to think the missing information was normal enough. "I'm sorry."

Severus waved off his apology. "You did not know the Mark itself was important. And if you had, you would have probably missed some of the spells he was reciting."

"I still don't understand, though. If I was watching the whole thing, why isn't in the Pensieve?"

"Memory is not a perfect medium. The Pensieve can only show what your mind has processed. Some things may never enter our awareness, but they are still tucked away in some corner of our memory. The Pensieve can draw those details out. But other things are missed entirely by the brain. Information that is never processed is missing from the memory. It is hardly surprising that your mind did not store the Marking itself, given that you were consciously focusing on what the Dark Lord was saying. Not to mention the added distraction of his emotions and the response from the students."

"I still feel like I've let you all down," Harry replied.

"That is hardly surprising as well," Severus commented coolly.

Harry ignored the jibe, aware of the presence of his other teachers. "So it's back to my first plan, then," Harry said firmly. "He hasn't caught me in his mind yet, and I'll be careful. It's just a matter of time before I catch him in another Marking."

"To go through that again . . ." McGonagall said. He turned away from the Transfigurations Professor. The tone of her voice and the look of horror in her face were exactly why he had not wanted to share the memory in the first place. "We must speak to the Headmaster about this. You will not attempt any such thing until you have the Headmaster's approval, is that clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," Harry answered promptly. With a satisfied nod, she stood and returned to the office. Flitwick gave Harry a reassuring pat on the hand before following her.

Harry caught the white thread floating in the Pensieve with his wand and returned it to its place among the other memories he wished he did not have.

"Harry," Severus said, coming close to him. "I want you to promise me you will not go spying on the Dark Lord unless I and the Headmaster are aware."

"I already told Professor McGonagall-"

"I know all too well how you listen to your professors. I want you to promise me though. I'll believe you if you promise me."

"You aren't leaving me with much room to work with," Harry said, pretending to pout.

"That is precisely the idea. Now, promise."

"Okay. I promise."

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Harry rested his back against Severus's chest. Severus's arm was around him, and Harry idly stroked the back of his hand as he listened to the details of Karkaroff's defection.

"Wasn't he afraid the Dark Lord would punish him for turning in other Death Eaters after his first defeat?" Harry asked.

"The Dark Lord demands loyalty to himself only. He knows that the best of his followers will do whatever they must to protect themselves. As long as that does not include betraying the Dark Lord himself, he cares little for the details. Lucius Malfoy used a similar tactic to remain free. Karkaroff knew, though, that ignoring last spring's summons would be suicide, so he returned along with the rest. Unlike Malfoy, though, Karkaroff was not pleased to see his old master return."

"So he's like you?" Harry asked, feeling an irrational sense of pride for Severus's change of heart so many years ago.

"I would not go that far. He is weary of being a Death Eater, yes. And as long as the Dark Lord remains, he is forced to a life of servitude that does not suit him. He seeks asylum, not to fight with us."

"He'll practically be a prisoner here, though. He knows that?"

"Trapped here is better than being at the Dark Lord's beck and call. And the Headmaster is not prone to torturing his staff and guests."

"Better company here, too," Harry observed and stole a kiss. "Did he know if any Markings are coming up?"

"Several students from Durmstrang will be traveling to London in two weeks under the guise of a school trip. The dispositions of the students chosen suggest they come to be Marked." Severus's arm tightened around Harry.

"I'm a bit surprised you're letting me do this, you know," Harry said.

"If I believed you were only risking yourself for me, I wouldn't stand for it. But the ramifications of removing the Dark Mark go far beyond my personal objections to being scarred thusly."

Harry twisted around and kneeled on the couch, smiling at Severus. "Want to know something?" His eyes followed his fingertips as they ran down Severus's cheek. "I'm doing it for you. If it helps win the war and save the world, that's great. But I'm doing it for you."

"Why?" Severus's voice was nearly a whisper. "I'm not worth risking your life for. If the Dark Lord finds out-"

"He hasn't found me out yet. And you're worth the risk." Severus looked away, and Harry rested his open hand on the man's chest. "You're more than your past, Severus."

"You know nothing about this." Severus stood suddenly and walked to the fireplace.

"About guilt? Or about a past that won't leave you be?" Harry watched Severus turn to reply and slumped back into the couch. "I know. It's not the same. I don't want to argue; I just hate it when you act like you deserve to suffer."

"You never answered my question, though," Severus said, his voice softer. "Why are you so set upon breaking the Mark? Is the reminder of my mistakes so unbearable to you?"

Harry shook his head. "It's a reminder that you're not free, and that's unbearable." He held a hand out for Severus to join him again on the couch and reclaimed his position against the man's chest. They sat in silence for long minutes.

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Harry poked at his lunch with his fork, but left most of the meal untasted. Ten minutes ago, the Headmaster had come into the Great Hall in as bad a mood as Harry had ever seen the man display. He had fetched Severus with a word and left without a glance at anyone else in the room. Severus, too, did not catch anyone's eye, not even Harry's, and now he was worried. Severus had promised not to leave the grounds without telling him, but when Dumbledore returned alone, he could not help but be worried.

"Don't worry, Harry," Hermione whispered. "If he had to go somewhere dangerous, the Headmaster would have told you. Maybe he's brewing a potion for the Order or something like that."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it," Harry agreed, though he did not mean it. He resigned himself to a slow afternoon and waited for potions class to arrive.

Hours crept by, and Harry finally made it to the dungeons. And though he entered the room to find Severus seated behind his desk as usual, Harry was still worried.

"See, Harry?" Ron said as they sat down. "He's still here. Everything's okay. Hermione was probably right about the potion."

Harry shook his head. "No, something's wrong. Look at him! He's upset about something."

Ron looked over at the Potions Master, who was growling at Neville for standing too close to the glassware. "He looks normal to me."

Harry just shook his head again.

After class, Harry stayed back with Ron and Hermione as everyone else left.

Expecting them, Severus said, "Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley, please wait for Mr. Potter in the hall."

With the two gone and the door closed, Severus stepped behind his desk and gathered some papers. "As I am sure you noticed, the Headmaster spoke with me this afternoon. He is aware that you have been spending time alone with me in my chambers and wishes it to stop."

Harry felt himself going numb. "But . . . How did he find out? I only told Ron and Hermione, and I know it wasn't them."

"How is immaterial, Mr. Potter. As the Headmaster, I am certain he need not rely on gossip or student informers. The walls themselves have eyes and ears as you know. The point is, you are my student and I am your teacher, and that is all."

"So that's it? It's over, just like that?"

"I do not see any other option, Mr. Potter. Neither of us can afford to lose the protection of the Headmaster."

"What right does he have-"

"He is the Headmaster of this school and my superior. He is also legally responsible for your welfare while you attend here."

"You're not a danger to my welfare. I need you."

"The Headmaster disagrees, and you and I are not in a position to argue."

"Like hell I'm not!" Harry spun around and stormed toward the door.

"You will not go to the Headmaster about this," Severus ordered. "Did you hear me, Mr. Potter? Harry, stop this instant!"

Harry slammed the door, leaving Severus yelling at the empty room. Startled, Ron and Hermione jogged to keep up with him, but he ignored their questions. He was saving his anger for the man who deserved it.

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The gargoyle gazed at him impassively as he yelled at it to move. He knew Dumbledore would know he was outside trying to get in, but the statue refused to budge. How could he ignore Harry's pain like this? He pulled out his wand.

"You can't spell it open, Harry," Hermione said gently. "You need the password. Whatever's wrong, talk to us about it. I'm sure the Headmaster will see you when he can."

"He'll see me now," Harry said through clenched teeth. "Alohamora!" The gargoyle shuddered, and Harry kept his wand pointed at the guardian. By force of will, he sent his energy through his wand, demanding that the way be cleared. Stone talons scraped along the ground as if the beast were gripping the floor to no avail. Slowly, it began to move. Harry kept his focus as he rode the staircase to the rooms above.

Finally at the office door, Harry threw it open and stepped inside. Ron and Hermione kept cautiously out of the office, though both peered through the door at Harry.

Dumbledore was not alone. Remus was there, along with Tonks and Mundungus. "Harry?" the Headmaster asked, surprise for once showing on his face. "How did you get in here?"

"I won't let you take Severus away from me."

"Dear boy, I am not taking anyone from you. You are both here at Hogwarts, true?" He spoke in a calm voice. On the other side of the room, the reaction from the other Order members told Harry that they knew Harry's secret.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it."

"Yes, I do, Harry. I am sure you are feeling betrayed and hurt, but it is for the best. I cannot permit you to become involved in an inappropriate relationship with a member of my faculty."

"And who decides what's appropriate?" Harry countered. He knew Dumbledore's calm, reasonable responses were meant to shake Harry's resolve and he refused to be manipulated by the man.

"Well," Dumbledore said with a chuckle, "I am the Headmaster. It's my duty to protect you."

Knowing his rage was fading, Harry decided to play the man's game. "Protect me from what? From Professor Quirrell? From the Basilisk? Protect me from impostors who enter me illegally into contests that set me against dragons? Or maybe you're supposed to protect me from Voldemort. I don't remember seeing you in that graveyard. Who's protecting me from your mistakes? The Dursleys?"

"This has nothing to do with any of that," Dumbledore responded, not rising to Harry's bait. "This is about a member of my faculty exercising influence over you. I know very well that Professor Snape can be persuasive when he wants to be. Even charming."

"Is that what you think? That he tricked me into caring about him?"

"You did not care for him at all just a few months ago. In fact, you did not appear to care for men a few months ago."

"So he turned me gay?" Harry laughed bitterly. "I knew I was gay before I could stand being in the same room with Severus. But I grew up, Headmaster. And I stopped hating him for stupid reasons, and he stopped hating me for ancient history. And you have no right-"

"I have every right. If you will not see reason, I am sorry, but that is not required. If you wish to remain a student here, you will not spend another moment alone with him. Is that clear?"

Harry glared at Dumbledore. An order and a threat. It was a bluff. Dumbledore would never expel him for this. He needed Harry. In fact, he needed Harry more than Harry needed him.

"I understand perfectly, Headmaster." He met the man's gaze coldly, emptying his mind and protecting it from the other man's. "The Knight Bus should have me back at the Dursleys' by dinner."

"Harry, you can't!" Remus blocked the door. "You-Know-Who will know if you leave. He'll find you, and the minute you leave the Dursleys' house, he'll kill you."

"He's going to do that anyway, Remus," Harry replied. "Whether I'm leaving the Dursleys', or here, or Grimmauld Place, what's the difference?"

"Harry," Tonks said and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Be reasonable. If you care that much for Snape, and if he really does care about you, what's the rush? Once you've graduated and You Know Who's gone, you can do whatever you want."

Harry shrugged the hand away. "Voldemort's going to kill me," he replied softly. "The best I can do is kill him, too. Everyone knows it, but no one wants admit it."

"That's not true!" Ron said. "You'll win. You have to."

"I won't. I can't. He's stronger than I am, and he's a better Wizard. I'll do whatever I have to to make sure he doesn't survive, too, but there's no way I can beat him and save myself. It's okay. I've accepted it. But sometimes I forget it when I'm with Severus, and I feel normal again." He turned to look at Dumbledore. "Don't I deserve that?"

The Headmaster did not respond; he simply gazed at Harry with the same look he had during Harry's explosion in his office after Sirius died. Harry felt his anger returning, and without another word he pushed past Ron and Hermione and ran down the stairs.

He could hear his friends following again but did not slow down for them. Instead, he made for Gryffindor tower and did not stop until he was in his dorm.

"Hey, Harry," Dean called to him. "What's going on."

Hands shaking, Harry replied, "I'm leaving school." He opened his trunk and shoved his books in.

"Oh, right then. Well, take care," Dean answered with a laugh. Finally catching the other boy's expression, his eyes grew wide. "Harry, you're serious?"

Before Harry could answer, the door opened as Ron and Hermione caught up to him. Ron rushed to his trunk and slammed the lid closed. "What are you doing?" he demanded.

Harry stepped back and laughed harshly. "You're right. No need to pack, I suppose. I won't get far enough to worry about unpacking."

"Harry, you can't leave. He's not worth it."

"Don't you ever say that again," Harry replied. "He's-" Severus's dark form in the doorway quieted him. The Potions Master strode calmly into the room.

"Granger, Thomas, Weasley. Leave." No sixth year could mistake the anger in his voice, and Dean, closest to the door, was out before the last word was spoken. Ron looked hesitant until Hermione grabbed his arm.

"We'll see you're not interrupted, Professor. Or overheard."

Severus nodded in her direction, but did not take his eyes off Harry. When the door was closed, he moved closer, still tense with rage.

"Have you completely lost your mind?"

"Wanting to be happy is crazy?" Harry shot back.

"You will have no time to be happy!" Severus's eyes flared. "Listen to me. He will find you the instant you step off Hogwarts grounds. You cannot apparate, and you will never make it to the Headquarters or the Dursleys'."

"I know that."

"Then why do you insist on meeting him so quickly?"

Harry sat heavily on the trunk. "What's the difference if it happens now or later?"

"Every day you train, you become better equipped to-"

"Every day I train, he's training too. Maybe not training, but he's becoming stronger. He's not sitting around waiting for me to catch up to him. You know it as well as I do. He's probably working on ten new ways to kill me right now."

"Why fight him at all, then, if you are so sure you will fail?" Severus shot back.

"I don't expect to fail," Harry responded. "I do have an advantage. I won't give him the chance to use his skills or knowledge. One spell, strong enough to kill him before he kills me."

"He will be heavily shielded by his own spells. A spell strong enough to penetrate his defenses and kill him would drain you completely. You could never survive having that much power pass through you at once."

"I know," Harry said softly. "The prophesy said one of us had to die, but it didn't say we both wouldn't. There's no way I'm going to get through this, so the next best thing is making sure he doesn't either. And I don't need any more training to do it."

"How long have you felt this way?"

Harry shrugged. "A while, I guess. Maybe I've known it since Dumbledore first told me about the prophesy."

"So you intended to make me care about you, then run off to be taken away?"

"Of course not!" Harry looked up alarmed. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't expect this any more than you did. I never thought you'd give me a reason to want to stay alive. But if I'm not allowed to be happy any more, what's the point in waiting? It's better for everyone if I finish this now."

"The Headmaster will never allow you to leave."

"He can't keep me here. I'm stronger than he is. You said that yourself."

"I said no such thing. And Albus Dumbledore is not the enemy, Harry."

"You said you've only known one other wizard who could cast the spells I did without getting tired, and you weren't talking about the Headmaster. And if he's doing this, then he is an enemy. Maybe he's not evil like the Dark Lord, but you know what? I was never fighting him because he was evil. Everyone in the Order acts like I'm some saint, fighting for some moral cause. But I'm not. I just want a normal life, and I can't have that while he's alive."

"Are you speaking of the Dark Lord, or Dumbledore?"

Harry shrugged. "Add in Bellatrix Lestrange and you've got the whole list. Everyone who took away someone I care about."

"Harry, being told you cannot see me outside of class is hardly the same as losing your parents or your godfather."

"No, it's not. In some ways, it's worse. I never knew my parents, and I barely knew Sirius, but I know what Dumbledore's trying to take from me."

"So you choose suicide out of spite?"

"Haven't you heard what I've been saying? It's suicide no matter what. It just doesn't matter when it happens anymore."

The door opened, and Harry's jaw clenched at the sight of the Headmaster entering the room. Looking somewhat terrified, Ron leaned in from the hallway and closed the door. "Professor Snape, I think you have done enough. Please wait for me in your rooms in the dungeon."

Unexpectedly, Severus sat beside Harry. "No, Albus, I do not think I will. If Harry is going to rush to his death because of this, I will not have him do so alone."

"Severus," Dumbledore responded, his voice still calm and congenial, "surely you do not believe I would allow that. The doors are warded against Harry's leaving for now. Once he has calmed down a bit, they will be removed, of course."

Harry chose not to respond. Expecting nothing less than being kept a prisoner, he decided there was no point in arguing about it. He would leave when he wanted. Severus, though, persisted.

"Harry is fully capable of tearing down your wards, Albus. I have trained him long enough to know that. And Harry knows that as well. It will weaken him, of course, but you cannot hold him if he does not allow it. Do you really want him to meet the Dark Lord after breaking free from this castle? Would you have him drained by fighting you, too?"

"I am hardly sending him out to meet his death, Severus. I am trying to keep him here, if you recall."

"It doesn't matter," Harry cried, frustrated. "Neither of you are listening to me. It doesn't matter when I leave, it's going to end the same way no matter what. Just let me get it over with."

Severus glared at Dumbledore as he laid an arm across Harry's shoulders.

"Surely you do not believe that Harry cannot survive this, Severus." There was an edge of pleading in Dumbledore's voice now.

"What I believe does not matter. It is what Harry believes. I cannot keep him here any more than you can. Not from across a classroom."

In despair, Harry leaned against Severus and waited for Dumbledore to speak. "Well," the Headmaster replied, "it seems I have little choice. However, I must insist on the following rules." He held up a single finger and started to speak again, but Harry interrupted.

"No," Harry said simply. "Whatever it is, no. No one gets to take any part of this away from me. From us. We're going to keep it a secret because that's how we want it. That will have to do." He turned his head without waiting for an answer and leaned into Severus's chest. Moments later, the sound of the door opening and closing told of the Headmaster's exit.

Alone again, Severus stood and turned to stare down at Harry. "You," he said in a strained voice, "are not going to die. I did not waste my time teaching you everything I know about Occlumency, hexes, curses and combat to have you run off and settle for taking the Dark Lord out with you."

"Severus . . ." This was not how it was supposed to be. Severus was his hope–his escape from this.

The older man knelt in front of Harry and cupped his face in his hands. "You are not entirely irresistible, Mr. Potter, despite what your fans say, and I am more a coward than you are attractive. Do you think I would have allowed myself to care this much about you if I thought you would not survive this?"