The Man Who Knew Almost Nothing

Chapter Fourteen

Accidental magic

They were all quite tired when they reached the Little Burrow that night. Sirius chose to take the floo home, promising to return with his things the next day. Harry and Gilderoy stumbled to bed, chatting wearily as they undressed.

“Harry, today was absolutely fascinating. I didn’t realize that muggles were so very interesting. The Creevey’s were absolutely splendid people,” Gilderoy told him as he put on a nightshirt.

“You taught their son Colin during his first year. Did they mention that?” Harry questioned, smiling at his excitement, but stifling a yawn too.

“Actually, yes, I do believe they mentioned it. It seems as though I taught a lot of people, doesn’t it? You, Ron and Hermione, the older Creevey boy ... I would dearly love to see that school, Hogwarts, they called it, one of these days.”

“I think I arrange for you to visit the school,” said Harry.

“When?”

“Maybe next week. Sirius needs to get settled in and everything. And I have to go to the grocer’s tomorrow.”

“Can I help Sirius with his things and all then?”

“I am sure he would appreciate the help,” said Harry with a chuckle as they climbed into the bed and the lights slowly dimmed and darkened.

“Excellent,” Gilderoy yawned.

“I’m so glad I have you.”

“I know, and I feel the same way,” he said, leaning over and kissing Harry on the forehead. “And I am sorry that I’m forever frightening you.”

“Comes with the territory I suppose.”

“Perhaps it does,” Gilderoy mused sleepily.

When Harry woke up the next morning, he decided to let Gilderoy sleep in for a change and slipped quietly into the shower. Sirius, never one to back out of something once he had agreed to it, would certainly be coming over at a semi-decent hour, although Harry expected that to be well before noon at any rate. He enjoyed a nice, long shower before throwing on some clothes. Gilderoy, he noticed, sat up and rubbed his eyes as he put his arms through the sleeves of a muggle T-shirt, which was what he usually wore to fetch the groceries from the nearest town, which was inhabited almost exclusively by muggles.

“What the devil is that you’re wearing?” asked Gilderoy.

“Muggle things,” Harry sniffed, wincing at he looked as he reflection in the mirror, which was fortunately not a charmed one. “I have to wear them when I go to town,” he explained.

“So unbecoming,” Gilderoy yawned.

“Have a lie in, won’t you? You deserve a decent rest. I’m going to the store and shan’t be back until afternoon,” said Harry.

“And Sirius?”

“I’ll leave him a note to wake you, if you still mean to help him.”

“Of course I do!”

“Good,” nodded Harry before stepping out.

Harry left a note on the guest room door for Sirius and fed Hedwig her breakfast, or whatever owls take as their morning meal, before grabbing his car keys and going off to market. The morning was chilly, but clear and breezy. It was going to be a beautiful day. Harry let the top down on his rather beat-up convertible and zipped his jacket up, grinning. There was nothing magical to this, but there was something wonderful about the wind blowing through his hair whether he was on a broom or in his car. Though neither so dangerous nor so adventurous, Harry felt just as free as he drove down the unpaved lane toward the road leading to town as he did in the air.

Harry happily speculated about the recent changes in his home life as he drove. He had a handsome lover who was already more committed than any of those of his school years had been and whom he loved desperately in return. His godfather had finally consented to leave his cellar apartment and perhaps stop living in guilt-ridden anguish, giving both of them a chance to have what he considered to be a more normal family life. Everything was beginning to look up for a change. A feeling of euphoria rushed through him as the wind whipped through his hair.

Of course, there was still the matter of Gilderoy’s memory and so forth and those memoirs that he was supposed to be writing, but no one’s life was perfect. He grinned picturing Gilderoy and himself sitting on the couch in front of Ron’s vaguely illegal enchanted typewriter with a couple of glasses of wine and a cheerful blaze roaring in the fireplace. And suddenly one out of two of his minor issues didn’t look so bad at all.

The drive to and from the grocers’ had been a very pleasant one. The back seat of his car was filled with bags of groceries and such, mostly food and various cleaning products, nothing too unusual. Harry had once considered hiring Dobby the house elf away from Hogwarts to do the necessary cooking and cleaning, but he could imagine too easily how torn Dobby would have been, wanting to serve both Dumbledore and his good friend. But then, Harry didn’t mind domestic work too much. He had done enough of it as a child not to be afraid of hard work. In fact there were days, when he lived alone, that the work had been quite satisfying. Of course, he now had someone with whom to share that work, which was all the more pleasing and satisfying.

Harry parked the car in the yard and lifted a couple of bags from the back seat, intending to have Gilderoy give him a hand with the rest if he wasn’t too busy helping Sirius. Gilderoy always seemed eager to lend a helping hand. Of course, he had been a Hufflepuff during his school days and perhaps some of that had stuck with him even if he didn’t remember the lessons learned as part of that house. Harry smiled thoughtfully as he balanced the grocery bags and let himself into the cottage.

When he stepped inside and turned toward the parlor, intending to greet Gilderoy or Sirius or whoever was around, he gasped sharply at what greeted him.

Sirius was standing there, looking a bit disheveled and embarrassed as he scratched his head. Standing next to him was a leg, a bit of robe and torso, a sleeveless right arm and the matching hand, and the left half of Gilderoy Lockhart’s head and face. But where was the rest of him? The groceries fell to the floor with a crumpling thud.

“What the hell!” yelled Harry, dashing through the kitchen.

“Splinched,” Sirius sighed, moving quickly to put Gilderoy between Harry and himself.

“How could Gilderoy get splinched? He doesn’t even know how to apparate!” Harry bellowed, although a good idea of how this had happened was beginning to form in his mind.

“Harry?” Gilderoy questioned weakly, flailing a bit with his present arm.

“Does it hurt?” Harry asked him quickly, still glowering at Sirius, who had not answered his question.

“Of course not. He’s just scared,” said Sirius in mollifying tones. “Right, Gilderoy?” he prompted.

“Right,” Gilderoy replied. It was very difficult for him to talk.

Having never been splinched himself, Harry could only take his word for it. He took Gilderoy’s hand and patted it. Gilderoy clamped onto his hand like a vice.

“I trust that the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad is on its way?” asked Harry.

“They’re already at my place actually,” said Sirius. “They thought it might be easier to pull this half of him back.”

“How soon?”

Sirius shrugged and replied, “They’ve been at it a good twenty minutes. It should be quite soon. It’s a pity too really. He got it right the first time. I imagine he just got over confident.”

Harry was slightly impressed by that fact. Apparating was a difficult bit of magic. Hardly something for a beginner to be experimenting with, but still ...

“And why was he doing it at all?” asked Harry.

“I didn’t want to take my robes and so forth through the floo. It takes forever to get all the soot out. And then there was my books ... and Gilderoy so wanted to help,” said Sirius. Harry could tell that despite his apparent nonchalance, Sirius was quite sorry for putting Gilderoy in danger and scaring them both so badly. “He has proven quite a bit more capable than I remember,” Sirius added.

“Sirius ... knew ... me ... in school,” said Gilderoy, who with some difficulty had squeezed his eye closed.

Just then a Ministry wizard, no doubt from the Reversal Squad, apparated into the sitting room. He ran a hand through his hair and shook a finger at Sirius and Harry.

“You both should have more sense than this!” he said with a bit of an Irish accent. “Especially you, Harry, you know how hard it is to do this sort of thing.”

“Seamus Finnigan! You know that I would never have encouraged ...” Harry said, laughing and defending himself at the same time, pleased to see his old Quidditch mate and fellow Gryffindor instead of some curmudgeonly old Ravenclaw.

“Just kidding, Harry,” said Seamus, who had been a brilliant chaser during their sixth and seventh years. “I think I can hush all this up and set aside the fines and paperwork, especially since no one’s seen him but Sirius, the lot of us, and you.”

“I’m in your debt, Seamus.”

“Go on with you, Harry! One of the boys never saw anyone splinched before. It was worth it just to see him turn green. Always happy to help a friend.”

“How long until you can put him back together?”

“That bit’s tricky. We need to reassemble him in a third location. Too difficult to pull him back or push him forward,” said Seamus, shaking his head.

“Where do you have in mind?” asked Harry worriedly.

“Oh, Bernard and Darby are clearing a patch of ground just outside and away from the house. Shouldn’t take long. Then they're going back to London. It will probably take the both of them to do what’s needed. I should be able to handle this end, tho’ if you want, Harry, you can pull out your wand too,” said Seamus.

Wrenching his hand from Gilderoy’s, Harry removed his wand from his jacket, tossing the garment aside.

“Remember doing this our seventh year during our Magical Remedies and Immediate Aid course with Madam Pomfrey?” asked Seamus with a grin.

“Yeah, but that was just for practice.”

“They ... are ... ready,” Gilderoy said, obviously in communication with two wizards who had just returned to London.

“Grand!” said Seamus. “On the count of three, Harry.”

“Right.”

“One ... two ... three!” Seamus counted.

“Convenio!” they shouted together, pointing their wand at Gilderoy.

Gilderoy merely squeaked and vanished with a rather sullen sounding pop. Seamus tucked his wand away and clapped Harry heartily on the shoulder.

“Let’s go see how well it worked,” said Seamus, glancing at Harry and Sirius as he nodded toward the door.

The sound of two sharp pops greeted Harry, Seamus, and Sirius as they walked outside, the other two members of the squad coming to admire their work. Harry laughed when he saw the result of their efforts. Gilderoy was looking rather dazed, not to mention a bit indecent, as he climbed to his feet, having landed in a prone position. He brushed the dirt and dust from his skin and shivered slightly. Although he had been reassembled perfectly, most of his clothes had found themselves in a heap on the floor of a dingy London apartment.

Relief that he was back in one piece flickered in Gilderoy’s eyes as he looked at Harry. One of the wizards had an amber colored robe draped over his arm, which he offered to Gilderoy almost immediately. For all intents and purposes, Gilderoy may have been content to remain in his underclothes, if it were not for the deuced cold. He hastily tossed on the robe and darted toward Harry, who was chuckling. All of the Ministry wizards looked a bit embarrassed on Gilderoy’s behalf.

“I didn’t mean to cause any trouble,” Gilderoy told him as Harry pulled him into a warm embrace. “Sirius thought ...”

“Let that be a lesson to you,” said Harry. “My godfather almost never thinks and unbelievable trouble is usually the result when he does. But no harm done, I suppose,” said Harry, trying not to grin at the faint look of discomfort on Finnigan’s face. He had always been a good friend and fine Quidditch player, but he had never been completely at home with Harry’s sexual preferences.

“I resent that,” Sirius mumbled.

“Now why don’t you go and get dressed properly while I talk to these gentlemen,” Harry suggested, shooing Gilderoy toward the cottage.

Giving him a peck on the cheek and holding his robes closed, Gilderoy simply smiled his thanks before dashing inside and out of the cold.

“This has made for an entertaining morning to say the least,” Seamus told them.

“Too right,” agreed one of the wizards.

“You are all welcome to stay for lunch. I would hate to think Sirius and Gilderoy had made you miss yours,” said Harry.

“Oh, we couldn’t do that,” said Seamus, who despite his age seemed to be in charge of the operation. “We usually have lunch with our colleagues and swap stories in the Ministry cafeteria,” he added.

“With anyone I would know?” asked Harry.

“Ron Weasley joins us from time to time, but mostly it’s Dean and some older blokes from Ravenclaw. They may be a bit by the book, but they are never short on stories,” shrugged Seamus.

“I won’t keep you then,” nodded Harry.

“Right, and see that your ... friends don’t try any more shenanigans any time soon,” Seamus warned before he and his two colleagues apparated back to the offices in London.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” said Sirius, rocking on his heels.

“You ... inside ... now,” said Harry in a low and dangerous voice.

“You sound just like your mum when you do that,” said Sirius as they walked back inside the cottage.

“Do you even realize how dangerous that stunt was?” Harry asked him, slamming the door behind him.

“I didn’t mean any harm, Harry. He was so eager to help and I couldn’t see the use of sending him through the floo when he could just ...”

“Sirius! He could have wound up inside a wall or in Wales or in a lake. Think about it! There are sensible reasons why wizards don’t just decide to start apparating one day, why there are classes and tests and precautions.”

“I know,” said Sirius. “And I am sorry. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was frighten either of you like that. It won’t happen again.”

“No, I dare say that Gilderoy will know better next time even if you don’t,” said Harry.

“Well, in any event, we did get most of my things moved in. Just a few arm loads of clothing and a trunk of books left, I believe. I can handle that myself.”

“Good. I have groceries to bring in, and I imagine that Gilderoy ...”

“Yes, you probably should see to him,” Sirius cut in, looking guilty for a moment. “I can unload your car before I get back to my moving and all.”

“Thanks.”

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