Another Story

Chapter Fifteen

In which Severus says a good-bye

Some time slightly earlier in the day ...

Hermione wasn't sure how long she had been sleeping, but it felt like hours and hours had passed when someone gently shook her by the shoulder to awaken her. She had been sleeping rather soundly, roused only once by the house elves who had come to change the linens, tidy up a bit, and provide her with breakfast. Madam Pomfrey had already informed them that Severus couldn't eat anything. They did not give her a reason why, but Hermione knew that there were potions that were more effective on an empty stomach and she also believed that Severus would not be able to eat. She had taken a few bites of poached eggs and drank a large glass of pumpkin juice while they attended the Severus, managing to take care of everything without so much as jostling the sleeping professor. But that was hours ago ...

"Wake up, dear; it's time to check on our patient," said the quietly cheerful voice of Poppy Pomfrey.

Hermione opened her eyes and stifled a groan, feeling just a bit disoriented.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"About two o'clock in the afternoon," said Madam Pomfrey, drawing her wand and waving it slowly over Severus. "Time for his next round of potions," she added as she examined him.

Hermione watched her expectantly for a few moments before inquiring about his condition.

"I'm sure you would be a better judge of that than me," said Poppy, placing the tip of her wand over Severus' heart to measure his pulse. "Has his mental state shown any improvement or has he been sleeping all this time?" she asked.

"He was ... he seemed coherent for a few moments earlier before he fell asleep," Hermione told her.

"Oh?" questioned Poppy, waiting for her to provide more information.

Hermione blushed slightly as she tried to come up with a professional way of describing what had happened.

"We had a short conversation, and then we kissed," she said.

"I see," said Pomfrey, raising one eyebrow ever-so-slightly. "Did he seem to know where he was or was he disoriented?" she asked.

"He knew who I was," said Hermione. "I am certain of that."

Poppy smiled and said, "That is a very good sign, Hermione. The memory can be badly damaged by prolonged exposure to the curse, but if he remembers who you are, then there is a good chance that the damage is not too severe."

"Then he will recover?" she asked, feeling her hopes rise again.

"Only time will tell, and it may require a very long time before he is back to normal, if that ever happens. This sort of thing ... it leaves a mark on a person. I'm sure you can understand that," said Madam Pomfrey.

"Of course," Hermione nodded, looking down at sleeping Severus.

"But it ... it isn't always so terrible. We have more than one member of the staff who has been through something like this, although I would say from a purely medical standpoint that their experiences were not as severe."

"Which ones?" asked Hermione, looking up curiously.

"I can't tell you that, dear," said Madam Pomfrey, "but neither the last war nor the intervening years were without its incidents, as I am certain that you know."

"And, of course, there is Harry, but he hasn't had quite the experience Severus has had," said Hermione, who was wise enough not to press the issue, though she had never suspected that other professor or members of the school's staff had been tortured under the Cruciatus curse.

"That's right," Madam Pomfrey nodded. "Now, we should give Severus his medicine. It would be easier if he were awake," she said, taking a pair of bottles from her bag.

"What are those, if I may ask?"

Setting one bottle aside, she held up the thick gray potions and said, "This is a special anti-Cruciatus potion that Severus brews for himself. He worked for years to develop it. It isn't quite what they use at St. Mungo's, but he has a lot of faith in the mixture."

"And do you ... have a lot of faith in it?" Hermione questioned, gently shaking Severus by the shoulder to awakened him. His breathing changed and his eyelids rose slightly in response.

"It isn't a miracle draught, but I have seen it do a wondrous amount of good," she replied in rather matter-of-fact tones. "Sit him up for me," she instructed.

Hermione slipped an arm behind Severus and pushed him into a seated position. Poppy wedged a pillow behind his back. His head lolled to one side, and he whimpered softly. Hermione put her arm behind his neck, allowing him to rest his head in the crook of her elbow, while Madam Pomfrey arranged the blankets.

"If we had a set of Unrippable Robes like they have at St. Mungo's, I would suggest putting a set on him, but victims of this madness are known for shredding anything that touches their skin. I'm surprised he hasn't made an attempt at the linens," commented Poppy as she picked up the small vial of anti-Cruciatus potion.

"He has been very calm," said Hermione, stroking his cheek gently before opening his mouth for Madam Pomfrey.

"Not everyone goes mad in the same way," she said, pouring the vial between his lips. Severus swallowed without complaint, though Hermione thought she saw a flicker of something in his half-open eyes.

"I have to admit that I'm not as well versed in this particular area of knowledge as I would like to be," said Hermione. Her voice faltered. "But if you could recommend any good books on the subject ..."

"I suppose there wouldn't be any harm in you reading about the condition, but ..."

"I have read everything on the subject in our Defense Against the Dark Arts text book: Know Your Curses. But I wanted something more advanced."

"Hermione, now might not be the best time. I'm afraid that some of the things in the books I use might ... frighten you," said Poppy, picking up the second potion that she intended to give Severus. "This is a combination draught that he prefers that I keep on hand. It contains an old-fashioned Cruciatus remedy that won't interact with Severus' brew, though I well imagine that if he is capable of dreaming right now he could be having some rather interesting dreams, a mild muscle-relaxant, and a healing potion that was originally designed for Quidditch players who were struck by lightning during the aluminum broom craze," she explained.

Severus made a quiet sound of protest as Hermione and Poppy administered the second potion. Hermione dutifully hushed him and continued to hold him into her arms as the mediwitch put her instruments away.

"I have been told that that particular potion stings a bit going down," Madam Pomfrey told her.

"Well, it was fizzing a bit," said Hermione.

She started to move Severus back against his pillow to make him more comfortable, but as she began to release him, he made a piteous moaning sound. Hermione drew him close again and hushed him quietly.

"Your presence comforts him, I believe," said Poppy with a muted chuckle.

The mediwitch shook her head slightly at the sight of Severus Snape, who was normally so very controlled and so strong, seeming so fragile and dependent upon others. He would have been mortified.

"I only wish I could do more for him," said Hermione, combing her fingers through his long hair.

"Nonsense. You are doing plenty for him," said Poppy, watching Hermione shift her weight slightly and pulled Severus closer. "Few Cruciatus patients respond this well. Some part of the praise for that goes to you and how well you've handled the situation and have handled him," she added.

"Thank you," said Hermione quietly.

"I suppose I should let you know," said Pomfrey almost as an afterthought, "that the headmaster is anticipating a strike against the castle sometime soon. Possibly even tonight."

Hermione looked up sharply and repeated, "Tonight?"

"Yes."

"Then ... I ... What should I do? I have agreed to fight ..."

"I'm sure that Professor Dumbledore would want someone to stay with Severus," she said.

"But Harry and the others ... I cannot abandon them."

"Hermione, I can't tell you what to do in this matter. The dungeons are well warded. If you chose to make a stand with your peers, he would be safe. But if you didn't return to him, I know almost for a fact that it would destroy him," said Poppy.

"If I don't answer the call ..." she said quietly, looking into Severus' eyes and having the feeling that he was listening to every word she said. "How would I ever be able to look him in the eye again?"

Madam Pomfrey nodded slowly, conceding her point, but knew of no advice that she could offer her fellow Gryffindor.

"There is time yet to think upon what is to come," she said quietly before leaving Hermione and Severus.

~

Their conversation had gone on for a very long time. So long in fact that Severus had begun to pace in the darkness. His memories were returning to him, both the bad and the good, but still he felt confused, lost, and incomplete, and the delusion of his father Phaedrus remained with him during every last bit of it, talking him through what he saw and remembered and all those things that he did not understand. There remained between them only one final point of contention: the Death Eater robes that Snape wore.

"I have spoken with her, you know," said Phaedrus during a lull in their long discussion.

"With ... Hermione?" questioned Severus. The name had been dearly bought in painful recollections, but it still did not come easily to him.

"Yes," nodded Phaedrus with a smile that Severus was liking less by the minute.

"How is that possible?" he questioned.

"How are you and I speaking at this very moment?" he countered.

"You are a delusion, and I am mad. We've been over that a dozen times," Severus snapped, coming to a halt directly in front of Phaedrus.

"Actually, you aren't really all that mad anymore. This ... this is not quite the thing that it was," said Phaedrus, gesturing around him at the blackness surrounding them both.

"You won't answer my question," said Severus.

"How about this? Passion finds a way even where reason cannot."

"All right."

"You know how much she loves you, do you not, Severus?" he inquired.

Severus looked away uncertainly and replied, "Yes, but don't understand how ..."

"I don't want to hear that again! We have been at this for hours. Yes, you made some mistakes in your life, but that certainly isn't grounds for a lifetime of self-induced misery."

"You wouldn't understand," said Severus shortly. "I provided him ... Voldemort with any potion that he asked for, never considering the end results of my actions, only sating my lust for power and forbidden knowledge."

"There are worse motives, you know, than a thirst for knowledge. You were never a sadist. You never enjoyed seeing anyone suffer," defended Phaedrus.

"Do my motives really matter so much when the end results were the same?"

"If your motivations had not been so ... for lack of a better word, so pure, you would never have changed sides. You would have remained with Voldemort until the bitter end, and we would not be having this conversation right now."

"But ..." Severus began.

"Listen to me. She loves you and believes in you. Isn't that enough? Right now she is holding you in her arms. This instant she is contemplating what her part in the next battle with Voldemort shall be, using you as the standard by which to measure her own conduct. Your past does not taint her love for you," said Phaedrus, his patience beginning to wear thin.

"Must I truly deal with this matter now?"

"I insist," said Phaedrus.

Severus hesitated as he looked down at the heavy black robes, so familiar to him and at the same time a source of both pain and humiliation that he felt would never abate. His hands trembled as he reached for the clasp at his throat.

"Help me," Severus whispered.

"I can't. This is something that you must do for yourself," said Phaedrus.

Severus took a deep breath and slowly began unbuttoning the robes. Each button seemed easier to unfasten than the last, but Severus could not remember a task more difficult than removing that simple, symbolic article of clothing. As the robes slipped from his shoulders, he felt as though he were shedding a second skin. And it felt as though a great weight had been lifted from him. For a moment the robes seemed to puddle around his feet. Then they vanished , melting away into the darkness.

"It is done," said Severus, looking down at his bare skin. He touched his left arm in surprise, finding that the Mark was not there.

"And you have done very well," said Phaedrus in an approving tone that his father had never used. "Your body out there may still be marked, but in here you are no longer so contaminated," he said, tapping his own forehead and smiling.

"Now what?" asked Severus, suddenly glancing around as though expected his surroundings to change as they so often had. He felt somewhat exposed and perhaps a little afraid. But, and perhaps this was what frightened him the most, he also felt hopeful about his prospects for the future.

"I can only offer you one more thing, Severus. I don't know if it is welcome, but I know that you regret not going to your father when you left Voldemort ..." said Phaedrus, holding out his arms to Severus.

He looked at the delusion for a moment, understanding that he was attempting to give him peace with his father, who had been dead for many years, and stepped forward, nodding that he accepted the gift, such that it was. Phaedrus enveloped him in his arms, pulling him close. Severus felt tears fill his eyes as he realized how much he missed the man who had helped make him the person that he was. Phaedrus rubbed his back in slow circles, hushing and soothing him.

"I'm sorry," Severus whispered, resting his head on his shoulder.

"He knew, Severus, and for all his faults, I believe that he loved you as well as he was able," the delusion told him gently.

Severus wasn't certain how long they stood there like that, but he began to feel sleepy, truly drowsy, for the first time since he had first found himself trapped within his own mind.

"You need to go to sleep now, Severus. We ... you have done all that you can. Now you need to rest. I don't know how long you will sleep, but nothing more can be done here," Phaedrus told him.

"Thank you ... for everything," said Severus sleepily, not quite understanding.

There was a soft chuckle in his ear and a light kiss on his forehead. Then he was aware that the delusion of his father was no longer with him and that he seemed to be floating. He felt lonely for a moment. Then the moment passed and Severus fell asleep and knew no more.