Rendered Senseless

Adrasteia

Story Summary:
Tonks is forced to confront the little problems in her love life when a dinner at the Burrow goes awry.

Chapter 01

Posted:
01/11/2006
Hits:
2,891


"Sometimes, I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy," Molly sighed.

I stirred my cup a bit, taking in the warmth. I visited the Burrow lately, these days. It was all just to get away from the rest of my life, you know? Just forget about office deadlines at work and fighting and other stuff. At least, that's what I told Molly. She seemed to understand my real plight. At least, I thought she did.

"Which one are you talking about? Fred or George?"

"Oh no, it's not them. Well, not this time, in any case. It's just Bill."

"Bill?" The perfect one? Golden Boy? I couldn't believe it. "What did he do? Is he working overtime now or something, like Mr. 'Family means nothing to me'?"

The moment those words let my mouth, I felt horrible. Percy hadn't exactly reconciled with the family yet and I didn't want to remind Molly about that particular family tension.

Molly shook her head, supervising as the charmed knives chopped the vegetable for the dinner's stew. "No, I wish it were that. It's just... have you met his girlfriend yet?"

"Er, not yet."

"She's French." Molly sniffed, twirling her wand over the bubbling pot. "She was the Beauxbatons champion at the Triwizard Tournament two years ago. Against poor Harry, of course."

"She sounds nice."

"It's not that she's a bad girl or anything, it's just that she's not exactly Bill's type," she looked up at me strangely, "if you know what I mean."

"Not really," I said. She gave me an odd look, the kind Mum gives me whenever I ask if my hair looks all right. "What exactly is Bill's type?"

"Well, he may seem to be very adventurous and out-going, but Bill's really a down-to-earth boy who would want to settle down some point in his life. This Fleur isn't quite the settling type."

"Ah, I'm sure they'll be fine."

"Yes."

"And if it doesn't work out for Bill, there are still more fish in the sea. He's still young, you know."

Molly looked at me and let out a sort of strangled giggle before regaining her composure.

*****
Somehow, Molly had persuaded me to stay for dinner. I would have preferred to return home to my lonely flat to eke out a few tears and generally sulk about the whole rejection deal, but no, I had to bear witness to Bill and Fleur's romantic bliss for the duration of the evening.

Life is not fair, dammit.

*****
"Oh, this is Nymphadora, Bill's old friend from school," said Molly as I shook Fleur's hand. I glanced at Molly, who looked a bit vindictive.

"Ah, you knew 'im well?" asked Fleur, who suddenly didn't look too warm herself.

"Well, actually, I really didn't know him that well. I was a few years younger than him, but we were both in the same house. I mostly knew him at Charlie's brother."

Fleur relaxed considerably while Molly frowned. I was not entirely sure if I had said something wrong.

"Fleur, dear, wouldn't you like to remove your gloves?"

I looked at her hands as she became rather uncomfortable. Bill also seemed to be uneasy.

"Mum. Dad. Can we sit down?"

Molly's mouth formed an "o". Arthur glanced at his wife before gesturing to the dining table, where Ron, Hermione and Ginny were sitting, ready for the meal. "Sure, let's get ready to eat."

Bill took Fleur's hand and led her to the table. Molly and I helped bring out the food.

"Thank god! I'm so hungry!" Ron earned a glare from both Hermione and Molly.

"Well, dig in!" Arthur began jovially.

We ate in silence.

*****

"Well, we have an announcement to make."

If Ron hadn't burped after that statement, I think the world would have been a better place.

"Ronald, really, Bill is trying to tell us something important."

"Sorry, Mum. Just couldn't help it."

"Bill, please continue."

He took a deep breath. "Um, I really like that we're all here together tonight. I mean, I know that we're missing a few people, but we also have Tonks, who just like family now, I mean, since she's risking her neck these days just like everyone else," he smiled at me and continued. "It's just that I wanted you guys to know how important this is to me before I tell you the news."

"Oh my god! What happened?"

"Mum, calm down. It's nothing bad! I just wanted to say-"

"-Oh, Bill. Just spit it out." Ginny crossed her arms.

"Well," he glanced at Fleur. And the entire table knew and gasped. Save for Ron.

"What's going on?" he asked thickly, still finished the last of his ice cream. "Did I miss something?"

"You're getting married?"

"Yes, Mum."

"Now?"

"Yep."

"That's... that's...."

"-wonderful," said Arthur, giving Molly a firm look. Then, Fleur took off her gloves to reveal-

"Oh, that's beautiful," squealed Hermione, moving closer to see the diamond ring properly.

"Congrats, Bill," I patted his back. "Didn't know you had it in you to get hitched. I have to say, I'm surprised."

I ignored Molly's shocked expression, because, contrary to what she had said, Fleur did seem to be the settling type after all.

*****

Bill left with Fleur to escort her home leaving the rest of us to help clear up the table. By "us", I mean of course Ginny, Hermione and me. Molly and Arthur left to have a 'meaningful discussion' while Ron mentioned something about having starved his poor little owl.

"What do you think Mum and Dad are talking about?" asked Ginny, scrubbing the pots and utensils at the sink.

I shrugged as I waved my wand over the bare table, cleaning and disinfecting it. "I suppose they're excited."

"Dad is. Mum obviously isn't."

"I just think she's shocked. She didn't think Bill and Fleur were having a serious relationship, that's all."

"That's true," Hermione agreed as she wiped the dishes, "but that's the problem isn't it? Mrs. Weasley probably thinks that Bill and Fleur are rushing into the marriage."

I remembered Molly's expression at the table earlier and couldn't help but agree. Sometimes, Hermione really is a genius when it comes to those relationship things.

"I'm telling you, that's not even it!" said Ginny.

"Then what is Molly's problem?"

"Mum thinks you're in love with Bill."

Clunk.

"What?"

*****

"You're not in love with Bill?"

I covered my face. "Of course not, Molly! I don't know where you get these ideas."

"Well, I was just concerned, dear. I was all afraid you were heartbroken. You've been so gloomy lately that I couldn't help, you know, jump to conclusions."

"Molly, I know I'm a young woman and all, but there's more to my life than just love and marriage."

It wasn't a total lie. I was rather busy with other stuff lately.

Like Rufus Scrimgeour commandeering my office (again). Or preventing Mum from flooding her flat by crying over Sirius. Or my current inability to wash my clothes (who knew Scourgify doesn't work on cotton?).

"Molly, you've made a mistake," said Arthur solemnly. "But, so have I."

I turned to face him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I've known about your predicament for a while."

I would have paid a lot of money at that moment to see my own face. "How?"

"Well, let's just say that I received this package in my office a week ago in the mail and haven't forwarded it to you as I should have."

I sank into a chair and opened the large envelope to find two smaller envelopes.

I opened the first one.

Dear Arthur,

I hope all of you are well. I would have sent this to Dumbledore himself, but didn't want to trouble the man with my personal issues. You are just as responsible and yet not so burdened as our leader. I only hope that I'm not intruding upon your work as you receive and read this letter.

Currently, I am near Greyback's little retinue. I haven't crossed the boundaries to actually "register", as they call it (mocking the Ministry's policies of course), but I lurk nearby. This is the last chance for me to send all of you a proper farewell before going underground.

I wish that I had had more time to have physically bid all of you farewell. I wish that I had been there to see Harry go off to another year at Hogwarts (glowering menacingly at the Dursleys all the while, naturally!), or to have met Bill's new fiancée (as I'm sure he has informed all of you by now), or to have spent yet another wonderful dinner in your company, savoring Molly's delicious cooking. But, I fall into these "if only" desires and realize that in these circumstances, it wouldn't do to wait. I have a mission, after all.

I would have liked to written some sort of letter to everyone, but am constrained by time, necessity, and a certain lack of paper. I do however have one small request. Along with this letter, I have enclosed another letter for Miss Nymphadora Tonks. I would be eternally grateful if you would forward the letter to her. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
Remus Lupin


I tore open the other envelope, wanting to know what Remus had written to me. As I unfolded the paper, my heart dropped. It was completely blank.

"There's, there's nothing here!"

"Oh, Remus has used the special invisible ink that Diggle had supplied us with. Took me a while to figure out how to read my letter myself."

"Oh. Right." I pulled out my wand. "Aparecium dissimulo."

Ink bloomed from the center of the page and spread into patterns until it finally resembled writing.

Dear Nymphadora
Dear Tonks
Dear Nymphadora Tonks (I hope you won't charm off my buttock for using your given name, provided we meet again),

I hope you are well. I sincerely do. I know the circumstances of our parting was strained and gave neither of us a change to say a proper goodbye to each other. I would hate it if the last thing we remembered of each other was that tense farewell. I really would.

I will be stuck in a sort of hell for the comings months and when I think of you, I will remember your hair, constantly changing everyday to suit your fancy. I will remember your eyes, always bright and cheerful no matter their color. I will remember your laughter. I would liken them to the sound of musical chimes, only I imagine that would only do disservice to your voice. I will remember, beyond the meetings that we have spent together at 12 Grimmauld Place, the fun we had afterwards, enjoying each others' company, watching Sirius's antics, and laughing all the way back on the Knight Bus after dropping Harry and Company at Hogwarts after the winter holidays.

I keep thinking over our last conversation and trying to analyze my feelings for you. I don't know what to say. I think you are beautiful. I enjoy your companionship more than I feel any man my age should. I think about you too much, especially as of late. I exhibit many of the characteristics.

If this is typical of love, then I love you.

I want to scratch the sentence above, but I can't. I'm running a bit short on ink. And, I suppose, it would be good for my conscience to tell you the truth. I love you. There. I've said it twice now (using my remaining ink to a much better purpose). I love you as a strong, beautiful woman who looks beyond society's rules and mores. You don't begrudge my illness upon me. You've brought me so much happiness these past few months that it's hard to convey on this sheet of parchment without smiling insanely to myself.

Yet, I don't want you to dwell on me. I am not what you need. I'm not Sirius, blessed with wealth, classical handsomeness, and youthful vigor that remained with him until the end. I don't have Bill's adventurous spirit or Charlie's ruthless courage. I can't even measure in terms with any of these people in terms of my very human nature. I'm cursed. Whatever you could possibly see in me is negated by that. As much as I
love you, I don't want to doom you to mourning for me. I want to remember your smile. I want you to find someone who has the capacity and willingness to give you everything that you deserve in life, as I cannot do so.

Find happiness in another, for you own sake.

Love (an appropriate closing, don't you think?),
Remus


I looked up, trying to wipe a stray tear from my cheek. The nerve of that man!

"It's Remus?" Molly asked in a hushed whisper. I nodded. Molly straightened, looking rather miffed.

"Well, that man clearly doesn't know what he's doing, leaving you alone like that. He's obviously lost his senses!"

I couldn't have said it any better.