Marauder MST - The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone

BOOM. They knocked again.

Sirius - Ever noticed how Harry tends to state the obvious?
James - Maybe someone should let whoever's out there in.
Remus - (to Sirius) Gee, I wonder where he gets that from...

Dudley jerked awake. "Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.

Peter - There's no cannon. Hagrid, however...
Sirius - I still decline comment.
Peter - (mutters) Loser.
Sirius - Hey!

There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room.

Sirius - Pushed from behind?
James - Quite probably. Somebody should put some salt or something on the floor, too. Harry could get hurt.

He was holding a rifle in his hands -- now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.

Peter - Oh, dear...

"Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you -- I'm armed!"

Sirius - Yep. He's got two of 'em.
Remus - Prescription please, Sirius...

There was a pause. Then --

James - Harry, being the wonderful, polite boy he was, went and opened the door.... hint hint...

SMASH!

The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor.

Peter - Looks like Harry's not so polite after all.

A giant of a man was standing in the doorway.

James - Whoa, he's tall!
Sirius/Remus/Peter - *roll eyes*
Srius - No, Merlin...[1]

His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.

Peter - I've got a feeling this is Hagrid, y'know.

The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all.

"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey..."

All - It's Hagrid.

He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.

James - Oh no! He's frozen!
Sirius - Thaw him out, quick!
Remus - Why?
Sirius - Good point...

"Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.

James - Harry's not that big!
Remus - I think he's talking to Dudley, Prongs...
James - Oh. All right, then.

Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.

Sirius - It's a new game! Musical Dursleys!
James - No, nononono. It's a conga line, look.
Sirius - *stares off into the distance* Oh yes, so it is...
Remus - *sighs* Maybe we should take you down to the doctors, if you're both so adamant you don't have prescriptions...
*conga line goes by underneath the window*
Remus - ... I take that back...

"An' here's Harry!" said the giant.

All - Yup.

Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.

Peter - Well, at least Prods is perceptive.

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mum's eyes."

Sirius - Hear that, James? He looks like you! *pauses, then aside* Oh, God... that poor child... *whacked by James*
Remus - And his mother had bright green eyes.
James - Called Lily with bright green eyes? Uh-oh...
Sirius - Aw, come on. What are the chances in a million you'll fall in love with her?
Peter - (to Remus) Getting better every chapter, I'd say.
Remus - *nods*

Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.

Peter - Think he needs oiling?

"I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"

James - And? So're you!

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune,"

All - *snigger*
Remus - Prune... trust Hagrid to find a good word...

said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room.

Sirius - Think that's why Dumbledore sent him?
Remus - Quite probably, yes.

Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.

James - What does that sound like?
Remus - I've no idea.
Sirius - Only one way to find out. C'mere, Peter....
Peter - *squeaks* No way in hell!
Remus - He's a rat, anyway. We need a mouse...
Sirius - Good point.
Peter - Phew!

"Anyway -- Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh.

James - Yeah, and it's about time he had one.

Got summat fer yeh here -- I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right."

All - *roll eyes* Hag-rid...

From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing.

Sirius - WHOOO! Chocolate!
James - Hey! That's my son's birthday cake!
Sirius - WHOOO! Cake!

Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you,

James - Good...

but the words got lost on the way to his mouth,

James - Bad...

and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"

Remus - Reasonable. We know, but he doesn't.

The giant chuckled.

"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."

Peter - Ah-HAH! I knew it was Hagrid!
Sirius - Yeah, and everyone else has worked that out by now too...

He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.

James - Definitely Hagrid.

"What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."

Sirius - Absolutely.

His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there. It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.

Remus - He's not supposed to do magic...
Peter - Aw, shut up, Professor. Nobody cares.
Remus - Why can everyone here see me as a teacher?

The giant sat back down on the sofa, which sagged under his weight, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea.

James - Where does he keep all this stuff, anyway?
Peter - ...in his coat pockets, Merlin...
James - Hear that, guys? Peter thinks I'm Merlin!
Sirius/Remus/Peter - *roll eyes*

Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little. Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."

Sirius - Hey! Hagrid wouldn't poison anything!
Peter - No, but Dudley might explode if he eats any more.

The giant chuckled darkly.

James - This seems to suggest that he has poisoned them...
Remus - Don't be daft, he's going to give them to Harry.
James - That's precisely why I'm worried!

"Yet great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."

He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful, but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."

Peter - Peter Pettigrew. Call me Wormtail.
Remus - Remus Lupin. Moony to you.
James - James Potter. Call me dad.
Sirius - Sirius Black - Mr. Padfoot to you...

The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Remus - *tuts*

"Call me Hagrid,"

Peter - We do.

he said, "everyone does.

All - Yep.

An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts -- yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

James - No. He doesn't.

"Er -- no," said Harry.

Hagrid looked shocked.

"Sorry," Harry said quickly.

Sirius - This boy is too self-blaming for his own good.
Peter - Rather like someone else I know. *cough*Remus*cough*
Remus - Well, half the time it is my fault!
Peter - See? See?

"Sorry?" barked Hagrid,

Sirius/Remus - *bark*
James - Yet another line to sue the author for...
Peter - Yeah, and add the squashed mouse one to the list, too.

turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. "It' s them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't gettin' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud!

James - No offense, Hagrid, but you're not the brightest spark in the wand...

Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"

"All what?" asked Harry.

Sirius - I'd be furious if I wasn't already aware of the situation.
Remus - So you're not angry?
Sirius - Of course. But it's cooling off a little now.
Remus - Ah.

"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered.

Peter - He's pretty angry, too...

"Now wait jus' one second!"

James - One.

He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut.

Peter - I'm not sure that's not just the fact that he's huge, y'know...

The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.

Remus - Cowards.
James - Be fair. If Hagrid was looking at you like that, wouldn't you be frightened?
Remus - No. I'd bite him.
Sirius - *sniggers* Bit of a stupid question there, Prongs...

"Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy -- this boy! -- knows nothin' abou' -- about ANYTHING?"

Sirius - Pretty much, yeah.

Harry thought this was going a bit far.

Peter - Yeah, Sirius...

He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.

James - Good. I'd hate to think I had a stupid, short, geeky, victimised son...

"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do maths and stuff." But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world."

Remus - 'Fraid not, Hagrid. Sorry.

"What world?"

Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.

Peter - Rather like Sirius when he gets mildly annoyed.

"DURSLEY!" he boomed.

Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "Mimblewimble."

Peter - It's a new word!
James - Mimblewimble... hmm... I like it. Got a nice ring.
Sirius - Mimble, Wimble, Padfoot and Prongs... good point.
Remus - Mr. Moony absolutely refuses to change his name to Mimble.
Peter - Ditto on Mr. Wormtail.
James/Sirius - Awww....

Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.

Peter - He's becoming unhinged...

"But yeh must know about yer mum and dad," he said.

Sirius - You mean what they did to get him there?
James - *lunges at Sirius*

"I mean, they're famous. You're famous."

James - *stops trying to throttle Sirius* We are? He is?

"What? My -- my mum and dad weren't famous, were they?"

James - No! ...Well, except as the second-worst prankster ever to grace Hogwarts...
Peter - Who's the worst?
Sirius - *grins and waves*
Peter - Oh.
Remus - Bit of a stupid question really, Pete...

"Yeh don' know... yeh don' know..."

James - No, and I'd quite like to, if it's all the same to you.
Remus - Hold on... could this have something to do with the fact that Harry defeated Voldemort?
James - (dismissively) Oh, that.

Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare.

"Yeh don' know what yeh are?" he said finally.

Remus - I'm a werewolf and proud of it!
Peter - And Harry's a vampire werewolf and doubly proud!

Uncle Vernon suddenly found his voice.

Sirius - Where was it?
James - Dunno. Down the back of the sofa, maybe.
Remus - Prescription time...
James/Sirius - What prescriptions?

"Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sir! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"

A braver man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.

Sirius - I don't blame him.
James - Ditto. Tell him, Hagrid!
All - *chant* Tell him! Tell him! Tell him! Tell him!

"You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"

Remus - Pretty much, yeah.

"Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.

"STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.

Sirius - SHUT UP!
James/Remus/Peter - *back away*
Sirius - Just getting into the spirit of the thing, that's all...

Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.

James - Tell him! Ignore them, they're evil!

"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh,"

Remus - I couldn't agree more with that sentiment.

said Hagrid. "Harry -- yer a wizard."

There was silence inside the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.

Sirius - *whistles*

"-- a what?" gasped Harry.

"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back down on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower,

Peter - D'you think he'll realise before or after it collapses?
James - Knowing Hagrid? After.

"an' a thumpin' good'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be?

James - I'm flattered.
Sirius - Not quite. Go and stand in the road for a while, would you?
James - I said flattered, not flattened!
Sirius - You shouldn't be, you know. It's bad for your head.
James - How so?
Sirius - Makes it alarmingly big. *whacked by James*

An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."

Remus - Don't we all.

Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

Peter - *gasps* He can read!

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Remus - Great man.
James/Sirius/Peter - Yeah...

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Mr. Potter,

James - Hi!

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall,

Deputy Headmistress

Sirius - Evil kitty-cat.
Remus - Why so?
Sirius - She nearly ate Rocky!
Peter - *pouts*

Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks

James - That's gotta hurt.

and he couldn't decide which to ask first.

Remus - Methinks he needs a Pensieve.

After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"

"Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse,

Peter - That's our Hagrid.

and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl

Sirius - ...I'm not sure that keeping owls in coat pockets is allowed, Hagrid...
James - This is Hagrid's coat, though. The thing's got plenty of breathing space.
Sirius - Ah, that's OK then.

-- a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl

Peter - Merlin's beard, really? My God! The owl's alive!
Remus - Peter, you know how we keep telling you nobody likes a smartass? Well...

-- a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:

James - He can read upside-down, too! Wow...
Sirius - Yeah, he's doing better than you. *ducks as James lunges at him*

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

Given Harry his letter.

Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.

Weather's horrible. Hope you're Well.

Hagrid

Remus - He never was one to mince words, was he?
Peter - Nup.

Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door,

Remus - Am I the only one reading this as if it was the owl that went to the door?
James/Sirius/Peter - Nup.

and threw the owl out into the storm.

Peter - Cruelty to owls!
James - Naw, they've managed blizzards at Hogwarts. It'll be fine.

Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.

Peter - It is.
Sirius - More so. Fellytones are fiddly.
James - I'll say.
Remus - I like the telephone. Then again, owls tend to get mysteriously savaged when I'm around...
James/Sirius/Peter - Mmmm...

Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.

James - Good lad.

"Where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight.

Sirius - Oh, what does he want now?

"He's not going," he said.

James - Yes he is.

Hagrid grunted.

Peter - *gasps* He's a vampire werepig too!

"I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.

Remus - Yeah, so would I actually... especially with Hagrid in the room.

"A what?" said Harry, interested.

"A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

Remus - And it's James' bad luck he's going to marry into that family.

"We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish,"

All - Magic? Rubbish?

said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him!

James - Oh, charming!

Wizard indeed!"

Remus - Indeed a wizard. Ther'es nothing you can do about it... It's in the blood.
Sirius - And only a werewolf would come up with that analogy.

"You knew?" said Harry. "You knew I'm a -- a wizard?"

[1] A Muggle would name Einstein in this sense.